Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize. All but a few random characters that I made up belong to Ms. Rowling.
Author's Notes: I would like to thank everyone at for helping me make the worst Mary Sue ever. Thanks to Saucy Pirate!
Another thing: This story contains Order of the Phoenix spoilers to the dozens. And, our main goal is to make fun of all the Green Flame Torch fics. This is clichéd and quite frightening. Run if you need, and keep a bucket nearby. And some tissues as you may cry from laughter.
And now, to our regularly scheduled program.
Sorry for not writing. School is starting, and I just moved, and I'm out of it.
Again, Harry pulled away from Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black, eyes closed. She stood up rather quickly and put a hand behind her back. "I have something for you," she cooed. Harry grinned broadly and tilted his head to the side. "What is it, sweetie?"
"This." Her hand quickly pulled out and a metal object met with Harry's throat. Her free hand seized his head and tilted it forward. Harry recognized the object as a dagger, and tried to see it. He caught a glimpse of a ruby-encrusted hilt and ice blade.
"My father gave it to me as a child," she hissed in a dangerous voice, eyes flaming to a deep red. "Useful man, he is." Her minty breath steamed up his glasses and he watched as her hair shortened into flared red with orange tips. "Now, Potter. I need you to do something for me." He froze. What would he do? She was beautiful and kind to him, and he was deeply and passionately in love with her, but what would she ask?
"My father wanted to murder you. He did. Yes, oh yes you did. He wanted to so mu-"
"Can you get on with it?" Harry gasped. She cleared her throat.
"He married the mother of one of his Death Eaters. Sadly, the Death Eater was a wimpy. I was born shortly after.
"You thwarted Lord Voldie -"
"Voldie? What kinda name is that?"
"My papa said I could call him that," she sulked before regaining her composure. "You thwarted him too many times. So, I was stuck in Hollywood with Elves and vampires for years while he had no body. You have no clue how hard it was to hug him." She sniffled slightly. "And now, I shall complete the task for him."
Harry poked her softly. She glared coldly. "Are you Crouch?" he asked, remembering an almost same speech from the fake Moody.
"No. Get off." She smacked him. AS the dagger was pressed into his throat, Harry let out a scream before she casted a wandless silencing charm on him. Fortunatly, Hermione and Ron ran downstairs to his rescue.
"Darn," she muttered, as saying a ruder version of the word would taint her personality. "What's going on?" Ron yawned. "Oh. Don't worry, Harry. She wouldn't kill you. She's too perfect." He planted a kiss on her before leaving with Hermione. He was dying. Harry could feel the sharp blade pierce deeper into his skin, almost breaking it. Memories of Dudley farting on a small bike drifted to mind. Great. He was going to die thinking of Dudley passing gas. Then-
"Stupefy!" came a shout from a man in the doorway. He stepped forward into the light and Harry was finally glad to see Lupin.
He just now took in Lupin's appearance, as though he had not noticed him all summer. He looked quite angry at the moment, his graying hair covering his brown eyes. He looked taller, which could only make him look thinner.
Harry turned to Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black, who looked like a broken swan now. Her eyes fluttered shut in a graceful manner. Blood red lips were slightly open to breath, and pearly white teeth shone under them. Her hair became raven again, and Harry saw the red, blue, and purple highlights shimmering like a river of color. Her body was twisted at the hips, arms bent to the side. He silently ran a hand down her pale neck.
Lupin walked up and stared down at her. Without a word, he pulled out a clear bottle and tipped it down her throat. Then, he pointed his wand at her, and quietly whispered a word Harry couldn't make out. Dumbledore walked in as she opened her eyes, blinking like a newborn deer. "Who are you?" Lupin asked. Harry then realized that the bottle contained a Truth Potion. He guessed Snape brewed it earlier.
"Jill Miller." Dumbledore helped Harry up and sat him down. "Is your father Voldemort?"
"No."
"Who is?"
"William Miller."
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to take over the world."
Lupin smiled slightly at this statement. "Is your natural hair color black?"
"Blonde," she responded.
"Are you even a witch?"
"No." Lupin looked up at Dumbledore and raised an eyebrow. Dumbledore nodded. "You may have the pleasure, Headmaster," Lupin said curtly. Dumbledore lifted Jill Miller and tossed her into the blazing fire.
"Third one this month, Harry," Lupin sighed, sitting down. Harry, meanwhile, was staring at the melting form of Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. "Why did you do that?" he managed to gasp. Dumbledore started.
"It all started when Sirius died."
Both Lupin and Harry flinched.
"Crazed women from the Muggle world were depressed," Lupin continued. "They wanted to find a way to bring him back."
"So, they created siblings for him," Dumbledore said.
"They were usually 'keys' to bringing him back," Lupin added. "They were stunning, had long names, and were evil."
"We call them Mary Sues," Dumbledore finished. "They provide rather pleasant bonfires if you collect enough. Just add gas."
Harry's brain drifted back to Dudley passing gas.
That was awkward. I planned for Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black to kill Harry, but I guess Lupin's too cool to let that happen. I hope your laughed at least once, and please, feel free to drop a little review.
Please do not flame. This was done out of my pleasure and brain. If you don't like it, click back, don't drag me down. Flames are pointless. Keep them to yourself.
Author's Notes: I would like to thank everyone at for helping me make the worst Mary Sue ever. Thanks to Saucy Pirate!
Another thing: This story contains Order of the Phoenix spoilers to the dozens. And, our main goal is to make fun of all the Green Flame Torch fics. This is clichéd and quite frightening. Run if you need, and keep a bucket nearby. And some tissues as you may cry from laughter.
And now, to our regularly scheduled program.
Sorry for not writing. School is starting, and I just moved, and I'm out of it.
Again, Harry pulled away from Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black, eyes closed. She stood up rather quickly and put a hand behind her back. "I have something for you," she cooed. Harry grinned broadly and tilted his head to the side. "What is it, sweetie?"
"This." Her hand quickly pulled out and a metal object met with Harry's throat. Her free hand seized his head and tilted it forward. Harry recognized the object as a dagger, and tried to see it. He caught a glimpse of a ruby-encrusted hilt and ice blade.
"My father gave it to me as a child," she hissed in a dangerous voice, eyes flaming to a deep red. "Useful man, he is." Her minty breath steamed up his glasses and he watched as her hair shortened into flared red with orange tips. "Now, Potter. I need you to do something for me." He froze. What would he do? She was beautiful and kind to him, and he was deeply and passionately in love with her, but what would she ask?
"My father wanted to murder you. He did. Yes, oh yes you did. He wanted to so mu-"
"Can you get on with it?" Harry gasped. She cleared her throat.
"He married the mother of one of his Death Eaters. Sadly, the Death Eater was a wimpy. I was born shortly after.
"You thwarted Lord Voldie -"
"Voldie? What kinda name is that?"
"My papa said I could call him that," she sulked before regaining her composure. "You thwarted him too many times. So, I was stuck in Hollywood with Elves and vampires for years while he had no body. You have no clue how hard it was to hug him." She sniffled slightly. "And now, I shall complete the task for him."
Harry poked her softly. She glared coldly. "Are you Crouch?" he asked, remembering an almost same speech from the fake Moody.
"No. Get off." She smacked him. AS the dagger was pressed into his throat, Harry let out a scream before she casted a wandless silencing charm on him. Fortunatly, Hermione and Ron ran downstairs to his rescue.
"Darn," she muttered, as saying a ruder version of the word would taint her personality. "What's going on?" Ron yawned. "Oh. Don't worry, Harry. She wouldn't kill you. She's too perfect." He planted a kiss on her before leaving with Hermione. He was dying. Harry could feel the sharp blade pierce deeper into his skin, almost breaking it. Memories of Dudley farting on a small bike drifted to mind. Great. He was going to die thinking of Dudley passing gas. Then-
"Stupefy!" came a shout from a man in the doorway. He stepped forward into the light and Harry was finally glad to see Lupin.
He just now took in Lupin's appearance, as though he had not noticed him all summer. He looked quite angry at the moment, his graying hair covering his brown eyes. He looked taller, which could only make him look thinner.
Harry turned to Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black, who looked like a broken swan now. Her eyes fluttered shut in a graceful manner. Blood red lips were slightly open to breath, and pearly white teeth shone under them. Her hair became raven again, and Harry saw the red, blue, and purple highlights shimmering like a river of color. Her body was twisted at the hips, arms bent to the side. He silently ran a hand down her pale neck.
Lupin walked up and stared down at her. Without a word, he pulled out a clear bottle and tipped it down her throat. Then, he pointed his wand at her, and quietly whispered a word Harry couldn't make out. Dumbledore walked in as she opened her eyes, blinking like a newborn deer. "Who are you?" Lupin asked. Harry then realized that the bottle contained a Truth Potion. He guessed Snape brewed it earlier.
"Jill Miller." Dumbledore helped Harry up and sat him down. "Is your father Voldemort?"
"No."
"Who is?"
"William Miller."
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to take over the world."
Lupin smiled slightly at this statement. "Is your natural hair color black?"
"Blonde," she responded.
"Are you even a witch?"
"No." Lupin looked up at Dumbledore and raised an eyebrow. Dumbledore nodded. "You may have the pleasure, Headmaster," Lupin said curtly. Dumbledore lifted Jill Miller and tossed her into the blazing fire.
"Third one this month, Harry," Lupin sighed, sitting down. Harry, meanwhile, was staring at the melting form of Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black. "Why did you do that?" he managed to gasp. Dumbledore started.
"It all started when Sirius died."
Both Lupin and Harry flinched.
"Crazed women from the Muggle world were depressed," Lupin continued. "They wanted to find a way to bring him back."
"So, they created siblings for him," Dumbledore said.
"They were usually 'keys' to bringing him back," Lupin added. "They were stunning, had long names, and were evil."
"We call them Mary Sues," Dumbledore finished. "They provide rather pleasant bonfires if you collect enough. Just add gas."
Harry's brain drifted back to Dudley passing gas.
That was awkward. I planned for Mariasha Zalika Yoana Noelani Guan-yin Ulrike Sage Pogisa Odilia Jerrine Ireri Galina Brylea Riddle-Black to kill Harry, but I guess Lupin's too cool to let that happen. I hope your laughed at least once, and please, feel free to drop a little review.
Please do not flame. This was done out of my pleasure and brain. If you don't like it, click back, don't drag me down. Flames are pointless. Keep them to yourself.