Seek and Go Hide
part four
Pacey and Doug, bundled in their coats and hats, sat on the deck of the Ice House. It was a cold November night and it was very late. Capeside did a very good impression of being utterly deserted. Doug was tense and shivering. Pacey, on the other hand, felt flattened - like he had just had a ton of bricks dropped on him. He struggled to find the right thing to say.
"You know I was kidding right? I mean I know it bugged you but I thought…it just, you know, bugged you…I never meant to…shit Doug. It's just… I didn't mean to hurt you," stammered Pacey.
"I know. Forget it." Doug gave Pacey a smile letting him know that it was all water under the bridge as far as Doug was concerned.
There was a comfortable silence until Pacey suddenly burst out with, "Good thing Dad isn't alive!"
"That's a terrible thing to say but you're right," said Doug. They both laughed, neither really glad the old man was dead but recognizing how much more difficult this would have been for Doug had he been alive. Would I have been able to do it? wondered Doug. He had spent his whole life trying to win and keep his father's approval. And there was no doubt in his mind that John Witter definitely would not approve of his oldest son being 'a queer homo'.
"So."
"So?"
"So…are you gonna start wearing a dress and waxing your legs?"
Doug couldn't help it, he snorted. "Not hardly. I'm still me Pacey."
There was another pause before Doug said, "I am seeing a therapist in Boston - just to help sort some things out."
"That's cool. So, have you told Mom? Or Gretchen? Or anybody else?" asked Pacey.
"Not yet. I will, but not yet. I wanted to tell you first because…" Doug sighed and his voice trailed off.
"Because of Jack right?" Pacey finished for him.
"Jack…" The thought of Jack made Doug's face light up but he played it cool, "Jack's great but there's nothing going on between us."
"Not yet you mean," said Pacey. He hadn't missed the way his brother's face changed when Jack's name came up. He knew that look, or rather, he knew what that look felt like. It was the same look he felt come over him when he let himself think about Joey. Which was almost never.
"I don't know Pacey. I don't think Jack wants…"
"He really likes you Doug…" Pacey interrupted. He thought back to some of Jack's recent weird behavior - it all made a lot more sense in light of this new information. In fact, he could kick himself for not putting two and two together sooner.
"Maybe," said Doug thoughtfully. "Unfortunately there's more to it than that. It's complicated."
"How so?" pushed Pacey. "You like him - he likes you - what's complicated about that?"
"You really need a definition of complicated relationships? I urge to look at your own love life, little brother. You're a living, breathing example of how complications can mess up your life long term."
"But Dougie, we aren't talking about me. Focus please."
"I just don't know if turning my life completely upside down is really the right thing to do."
"Really?" asked Pacey playfully, "Gonna take a page from Cher and 'Turn Back Time' are you? Enlarge the closet and just move in permanently?"
"No. No, I don't think I can do that." Doug took a deep breath, "It's just so… so messy. I hate messy!" More softly he said, "I hate it!"
"Well, you know me;" Pacey said smiling, "I'm a proponent of mess making, a creator of personal chaos, a firm believer in the wrong thing sometimes being the right thing."
"Typical Pacey philosophy," said Doug trying not to resent his little brother's fearlessness. "It's certainly taken you far."
Ignoring the dig, Pacey said sincerely, "You deserve to be happy Doug."
"I do." Doug conceded, knowing it was true. "We all do I guess. Even you little brother."
"Don't go all gay on me Doug - not now!"
"Too late!" joked Doug, making them both laugh.
"So when, exactly, is it going to be ok for me to say 'I told you so'?" teased Pacey.
"Pretty much never - it would be terribly insensitive and cruel after all."
"Yeah, I guess so. But Doug…"
"Yeah?"
"I totally told you so!" hooted Pacey.
"And Pacey Witter's never-ending quest for sensitivity fails yet again!" said Doug shaking his head with mock sadness.
--------------
Later that week, Doug sat in his therapist's tastefully decorated Boston office and tried to explain his contradictory feelings. He was so glad Pacey knew but he also never wanted to tell another person he was gay for as long as he lived. He longed for intimacy but the thought of dating made him want to vomit up everything he had ever eaten in his entire life. He was gay. He was excited. He was terrified. He was so frustrated he wanted to bang his head against the colonial style coffee table that sat between him and Doctor Fiona Olson. She recognized his extreme state of aggravation and said, "Let's put aside the issue of sexual preference for a minute Doug."
"But that's why I'm here," huffed Doug.
"Just humor me a minute," she said. "Can you tell me a little bit about your feelings regarding change in general?"
"I don't hate change," said Doug a little defensively.
"That's an interesting way to start."
"I mean it. I don't hate it, I just…I hate mistakes. I hate that feeling of when you mess up."
"What is that feeling Doug?" she prodded gently.
"What do you mean?"
"Just think about it a minute. When you make a mistake, what specifically is that feeling?"
There was a pause and then Doug answered, "Frustration. Shame. Failure I guess."
She nodded, "So you have to do everything right, all the time? Or else you're a failure."
"Pretty much," Doug agreed. "I either do things right or I don't do them at all."
"So when do you get to try new things? When do you get to experiment? When do you get to play?"
"I don't really… It's not…I'm a perfectionist. That's all. I like doing things the right way."
"Have you always had to be perfect?"
"For as long as I can remember," said Doug chewing worriedly on his lower lip, "My family, well my Dad…but look, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about me being gay and why it freaks me out so much."
"Ok," said Dr. Olson changing her tack slightly "Let me ask you this Doug. Do you think there is something wrong with homosexuality as it pertains to other people?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong or defective with people who are gay? People like your friend Jack?" she clarified for him.
"Of course not, no."
"Do you think homosexuality, in general, is immoral or deviant?"
"No."
"Do you think it's a crime to love someone of the same sex?"
"No."
"Do you think it's repulsive or shameful to be attracted to someone of the same sex?"
"Not really."
"Do you think you deserve to find love and happiness?"
"Yeah…"
"Are you willing to mistakes to find that love and happiness Doug?"
"?" Doug sat there, staring at Dr. Olson but not answering her question.
"You see Doug; I'm starting to think this isn't really about your sexuality at all. You seem to be rather open minded and accepting of homosexuality. Maybe you've known for a long time that you are attracted to men. But you've never acted on it. It wasn't until you considered acting on those feelings that they suddenly became a problem. So it seems to me, that your neurosis stems not from the fact that you are attracted to men but rather from the fact that you don't allow yourself to make mistakes. You are resistant to change because you are reluctant to try anything outside of your comfort zone."
Dr. Olson paused and smiled at Doug before continuing, "Accepting and then acting on your sexuality is going to take you out of your comfort zone in unpredictable ways. You'll be dealing with myriad new options and within each one, there is a potential for failure. From learning how to be physically close to someone to becoming intimate with someone on an emotional level - even the most experienced and well-adjusted human being makes mistakes in these areas. And in many ways, because you've closed yourself off for so long from love, and the intimate contacts that come with love, you'll be starting from square one. You'll be an adolescent. And what do adolescents do better than anyone else? They make mistakes. So you have to decide if starting over at square one and doing all that work is better or worse than not starting at all. And if you decide you are willing to do the work, then you are going to have to give yourself permission to make some mistakes. Even big, appalling, humiliating mistakes. But I can promise you; no one has died from embarrassment, at least not yet."
Doug just sat there looking thoughtful and a bit stunned. What Dr. Olson said made a lot of sense but it was a lot to take in at once.
"I tell you what," said the doctor, "I'll go get you a glass of water and give you a minute to digest all this."
With that she left the office, leaving Doug pondering what to do next. Make mistakes. He didn't really like the sound of that, but it had a certain logic to it. When Dr. Olson returned with his water, she noted that their time was up for the day, "But we'll talk more about this next week. It would be great if between now and then, you allowed yourself a new experience or two. It doesn't have to be anything major. Just do something you wouldn't normally allow yourself to do because you're afraid you can't do it perfectly."
Doug nodded, "I'll give it a try." Doug finished his water quickly; even after all these weeks, he was always a little surprised how thirsty these sessions made him. Doug stood up to go, "Thanks Doc. This was actually pretty helpful."
Doctor Olson smiled and let out a small laugh. She was as glad that the skeptical Sheriff Witter was finally starting to realize that therapy wasn't a waste of his valuable time. "Have a good week Doug."
-------------
Later that afternoon, Doug and Pacey were driving back to Capeside in Pacey's beloved wreck of a car. Pacey had insisted on driving up to Boston with Doug after claiming that he needed to speak to a new supplier for the Ice House who was, conveniently, located in the city. He had convinced Doug that a Witter brother road trip was something neither one of them could afford to miss. So far, the trip had been fun. The two brothers had done a little Christmas shopping and had lunch before splitting up and going to their respective appointments.
"So what she said made a lot of sense but I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do next," finished Doug. He couldn't believe he was talking to Pacey about all this but his little brother had proven to be a surprisingly good listener and had even kicked in some words of wisdom in his own right. After the years of animosity between them, Doug appreciated the friendship that had slowly grown between them over the last year and he knew Pacey did too.
"Well, luckily you happen to be related to the King of Blunders, Mishaps and General Errors in Judgment. I know exactly what you need to do!" said Pacey with a sly smile. With that said, he made a spectacularly hasty U turn and headed back toward Boston.
"Jesus Pacey! Death on the highway wasn't exactly the new experience I was hoping for!" yelped Doug.
"Relax man. I know what I'm doing!"
"Where are we going?" asked Doug.
"Back to Boston," answered Pacey merrily.
"Why?"
"Because Beantown is a great place to make mistakes! And unlike Capeside, there's plenty of anonymity to go around."
"Yeah, I don't like the sound of this," said Doug who was suddenly squeamish, "Let's just go home."
"No can do. It's time for you to get your gay on Doug!"
"I don't even know what that means you moron!"
"You will by the time this night is over," laughed Pacey.
-----------
The bar Pacey took them to was called The Juju Lounge; it was dark, smoky and a little sordid. It was also packed with a variety of beautiful, and one assumed, available men.
Doug was extremely apprehensive and so, in an effort to calm his nerves, he downed several beers in quick succession. Doug wasn't really a big drinker; consequently, he became tipsy very quickly. As Doug finished beer number three, Pacey scoped out the place and asked, "So what's your type Dougie?"
"I don't have a type yet do I?"
"Sure. You must. What about that guy?" Pacey gestured to a very tall slender blonde who was wearing cropped red t-shirt, silver pants and several hoop earrings.
Without missing a beat, Doug said, "Way too gay."
"That one?" asked Pacey motioning to a Latino man in baggy pants that were about to fall down.
"Belt-adverse. That's a problem," laughed Doug.
"Ok, what about him?" This time Pacey pointed to an older man in a plaid shirt.
"Ugh. He looks like Dad. Your taste in men is terrible! Maybe I'll just go check this place out on my own," laughing a little Doug got up from the table and headed over to the bar. He didn't really want to mix and mingle but he couldn't sit there picking out men with his little brother. It was too weird.
He waited to get the bartender's attention, then ordered yet another beer, this one with a whiskey side car. He was feeling pretty good. Maybe Pacey had been right to drag him here. He looked over at his brother to see that even in a bar primarily full of men, Pacey had found a couple of girls to chat up. And they even looked interested. Must be fag hags thought Doug hazily. He turned back to his beer and took a deep drink.
"Hey there cowboy. Mind if I join you?" asked a smooth voice. Doug looked over and focused on the owner of the voice. He was of medium build with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He wore a green sweater, jeans, and some unfortunate tennis shoes. Not bad thought Doug, I think. Does that mean he's my type?
"So, do I pass inspection? Can I sit down?" the man indicated the barstool next to Doug.
"Yeah. Go ahead. I didn't mean to stare. Did I stare?"
"I'm Greg," said the man deliberately ignoring Doug's question.
"Doug. Are you hitting on me? And if so, why? Are you hitting on me?" asked Doug not realizing what an ass he sounded like.
"Not anymore," said Greg as he got up and walked away.
That didn't go well thought Doug drunkenly as he finished his beer and ordered another. I better do better.
He scanned the dim room searching for he didn't know exactly what. When he saw a tall, slender but well muscled, man with dark hair and full lips he instinctively thought of Jack and smiled. Without thinking he walked across the room and toward the man who bore a passing resemblance to Jack and introduced himself.
"Hi, I'm Doug"
"David," said the man not bothering to look at Doug.
"You remind me of someone," said Doug. "He's beautiful too."
With that, David turned and actually looked at Doug. Pleased by what he saw, David smiled and said, "Really?" David's eyes were shining at Doug and he gave him a seductive look as if daring him to say more.
"Oh yeah," Doug couldn't help it he ran his hand up this stranger's strong arm, thrilling to the touch and amazed by his boldness. Alcohol is really very helpful he thought, I'm not nervous at all!
From across the bar, Pacey saw Doug talking to a tall, good-looking man. In fact, he was surprised to see that Doug was practically hanging off the man's arm. That was fast thought Pacey. Maybe too fast he corrected as he saw another man approach Doug and the stranger. This new guy looked decidedly angry. When he saw the angry guy shove his brother, he hurriedly excused himself to the redhead he had been chatting up and headed over toward Doug.
"I don't know what your problem is man but you better step off."
"I have no problem. I was merely having a conversation with David here," said Doug slurring his words a tiny bit. "If there is a problem, perhaps it is you. Maybe you should leave us alone."
"Doug, what's going on?" asked Pacey, doing his best to look tough and formidable. He didn't like the feel of this.
"Pace - Meet the beautiful David!" enthused an obviously drunk Doug. "I do not know who this rude fellow is."
"I'm David's boyfriend," snarled the angry man. David, for his part, just stood back and looked for all the world like he enjoyed nothing more than having men fight over him.
Pacey realized this situation could get ugly fast and in hopes of defusing the situation said, "Look dude, my brother, he's not a drinker and he's pretty drunk right now. So how 'bout we just get outta your way and no harm, no foul."
"I think that's a smart idea," sneered the man, "and if your brother can't hold his liquor or his tongue, maybe he shouldn't be playing with the grown ups."
"Fuck you!"
Pacey couldn't believe it; he was pretty sure he had never heard Doug utter those words before in his life. What has happening here?
"What did you say?" bellowed Mr. Angry Boyfriend.
"You heard me. You think you can mess with me? I may be a little bit drunk but you're a huge jackass."
"Doug, come on, let's just go," urged Pacey.
"Back off Pacey, I can take care of myself!"
"I know you can Doug," said Pacey, "But think, is it really worth it?"
Just then Mr. Angry Boyfriend took a swing at Doug, who neatly dodged the incoming blow. Whirling around, Mr. Angry looked, if anything, angrier and sputtering he came at Doug again.
Again Doug sidestepped the bigger man. Looking at Pacey, Doug said, "You're right, it's not worth it. Besides, he's a total clod." Turning toward Mr. Angry, Doug said haughtily, "You sir, lack finesse."
Pacey was pretty sure that that was the final straw. Mr. Angry may lack finesse but he had motivation and muscles to spare. He reared back and Pacey steeled himself for what was coming next...
Just then a bartender came over to see what all the commotion was about, "Is there a problem here? Billy are you fighting again? Goddammit. I told you last time…"
As the bartender hollered at Billy, Pacey and Doug decided to take their leave of The Juju Lounge. Grabbing their coats, they headed out to the street.
"Jesus, Doug," cried Pacey, "What was that all about? Doug Witter picking a fight in a bar? That's something I never thought I'd see."
"I didn't pick a fight," exclaimed Doug. The brothers were walking briskly down the street towards the car in hopes of staying warm.
"Yeah, you did. And you were hitting on the guy's boyfriend!"
"I was not! Was I? He was cute," said Doug.
"Who are you?"
"Hello. I'm supposed to be trying new things. Plus, do I have to remind you that this was your big idea."
"I didn't know you were going to try everything tonight," said Pacey, laughing a little. "I thought maybe some flirting, a phone number exchange, you know rookie stuff."
"I didn't try everything. I didn't even kiss him!"
"Well the night is still," Pacey looked at his watch, "…relatively young. If you're still up for it that is."
"Where will we go?"
"What about this place?" They were in front of a place called The Cuff Club; it was far seedier than The Juju Lounge but just as packed, if not more so.
"Ok," said Doug and he turned and he walked in the front door, surprising Pacey once again. He must be drunker than I thought, thought Pacey as he attempted followed him inside.
Inside the club, the music was so loud that Doug could barely hear himself think. He wandered over toward the dance floor, just to take a look. It was crowded with men and women dancing. He took it all in and soon found that he was hypnotized by the rhythm of the music and the pulsating bodies.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
Wake me up, thought Doug, save me from the nothing…Doug found himself on the dance floor moving, lost amongst the bodies, feeling the heat and the beat and the alcohol envelope him in a safe bubble. Save me from the nothing I've become. More than anything Doug wanted to feel what everyone else felt, to know what they knew.
When he felt a pair of strong hands on his waist, Doug was startled. He turned around to face a very pretty boy with green eyes, black hair and a lusty look in his eyes. Doug opened his mouth to say something then realized he'd never be heard above the music, so he shut his mouth. He let himself dance with this mysterious stranger, trying not to think about what he was doing. I need another beer thought Doug as he felt the familiar anxiety rear its head.
The boy had no idea that Doug was struggling with himself to stay in the moment and just live. But when he leaned in and kissed Doug, he felt the jolt that shot through him and smiled.
Doug was so shocked by the kiss that for a moment he just stood stock still in the middle of the dance floor. But the boy didn't let up; he kept kissing Doug, nuzzling his neck and nibbling on his ear. Doug's vulnerable defenses came crashing down and he found himself making out with a total stranger in the middle of a dance floor in a seedy little club in Boston. Doug couldn't believe how turned on he was by this. He was aware that a small part of his brain found the experience very funny and strange but he ignored it. He kept dancing. He kept kissing the boy.
When the boy took his hand and pulled him off the dance floor and out the back door and into the alley, Doug had no desire to resist him. Once outside he said, "What's your name?" The boy, he had to be at least 21 didn't he? thought Doug, didn't answer but instead started kissing Doug ferociously again.
When they broke apart, the boy said, "Blaze."
"What?" asked Doug somewhat breathlessly.
"You can call me Blaze. You wanna go somewhere more private? Your place?" He ran his hands up Doug's chest and stared deep into his eyes.
"I'm not from here," said Doug.
Blaze sighed and looked annoyed.
"My car isn't far away," Doug quickly offered wanting more than anything at that moment, to make Blaze happy. "We could go there."
"Ok. Let's go."
As they walked the short distance to the parking garage, Doug tried to strike up a conversation.
"How old are you?"
"Don't worry about it ok? I'm old enough."
Puzzled by Blaze's response he changed the subject. "Do you go to The Cuff Club often?"
"Are you kidding me with this shit?"
"I was just…you know, curious."
"Don't worry I'll satisfy your curiosity when we get to the car ok?"
They walked in silence the rest of the way. When they got to the garage, Doug panicked thinking Pacey has the keys! The he remembered he had the spare key on his key ring. Thank goodness! That would have been so embarrassing!
"Your car's kinda a piece of shit," observed Blaze.
"Actually it's my brother's car. I have an Explorer but we took his car this time. He used to have a BMW but…" aware that he was starting to ramble, Doug fell silent. He unlocked the passenger door and held it open for Blaze then walked around and got in the driver's side.
As he situated himself, he looked at Blaze more closely. He was very handsome but maybe not as young as he had appeared in the Club. That's a good thing he told himself. He had a strained look around his eyes Doug noted. He reached up and stroked Blaze's face tenderly. Blaze took that as his cue to start kissing Doug again.
I should have told Pacey I was leaving thought Doug. He won't know what happened to me. I hope he doesn't worry.
"Hey big guy, you want to do this or not? I get the feeling you aren't really here."
"No, I mean I do. Want to. I'm here," Doug assured Blaze.
"Ok, since we're in a car, we're kinda limited by what can happen. But you'll enjoy it no matter."
"Sure…" said Doug becoming a little confused.
"So it's $35 for hand, $55 oral - which you want?"
"What?" The reality of the situation came crashing down on Doug. This boy, this beautiful boy, was soliciting him. There was no spontaneous, magical passion between them; it had all been about money. For a minute Doug thought he was going to be sick. He was sober in an instant.
"What's it gonna be Mister? Hand job or blowjob? I ain't got all night."
"Yeah, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding here…" Doug wished the earth would open up and swallow him whole. This would teach him. Or yes, it certainly would.
'You're shitting me right?" Blaze was getting angry. "Don't fuck with me man. You drug me all the way out here!" Then he saw the look on Doug's face and laughed bitterly, "What? Did you think this was some love connection we had going on? Gimme a break. You fuckin' idiot. Look at least give me $20 bucks for my trouble."
"That's not going to happen Blaze."
"Give me one reason why the fuck not?"
"How about because I'm a cop." Doug pulled out his badge betting Blaze wouldn't notice that he was from Capeside and not Boston. He was right.
"Shit man," Blaze hustled to get out of the car, "No hard feelings huh? Honest mistake. Have a good evening officer." Blaze beat a hasty retreat away from Doug and out the parking garage. A minute passed by and Doug just sat there letting the horrified feelings and nausea wash over him. What had he done? What had he almost done? Why? What was wrong with him?
He sagged in the car seat and rested his head on the steering wheel. He willed his heart to keep beating. He reminded his lungs to keep exhaling and inhaling. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He wished for some sort of unexpected, spur-of-the-moment amnesia.
When, after 20 minutes he neither died from the humiliation nor ceased remembering what had just transpired, Doug realized he was going to have to go back to the Club and find Pacey. That's just perfect, thought Doug angrily. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
Doug stomped back to The Cuff Club and stared at the building that not that long ago seemed to hold fun and excitement. The music still beat loudly and people still poured in and out, but to Doug's now jaded eye, it seemed disgusting, shallow, and pathetic. He walked in and looked for Pacey. He saw him by the bar, nursing a beer and looking around as if trying to spot someone in the crush of people. He's looking for me Doug realized. It made him feel a tiny bit better to know somebody cared about him. Even if it was his no-good brother. He pushed his way over to Pacey and signaled that they should leave.
When they both reached the sidewalk, Pacey grinned and said, "Where did you go? I was starting to think you ditched me! Last I saw, you were working it out on the dance floor. So," he arched his eyebrows at Doug, "what happened? Spill it. Did you get lucky?"
Doug started walking back toward the car. "Did I get lucky?" asked Doug bitterly. "In a manner of speaking, I suppose I did."
"You dog! Tell me…"
"I don't want to talk about it Pacey."
"Pretty sure I'm not gonna let you off the hook with that Doug," laughed Pacey as he threw an arm around Doug's neck and pretended to give him a noogie.
Doug quickly disentangled himself from Pacey and shoved his brother away. "Pretty sure you have no choice," spat Doug.
"Doug, what the hell happened? Last I saw you, you were happy and having a good time."
Doug stopped walking and turned and faced Pacey, "That guy you saw me with on the dance floor…?"
"Yeah?"
"We went out to the car…"
"And?"
"And he was a prostitute! He wanted me to pay him for…you know."
"And did you?"
Doug stormed off down the street, practically screaming, "Hell no! HELL NO! Why would you think…?!"
"Calm down Doug," Pacey ran to catch up with Doug and said in his most soothing voice. "A lot of guys have gone to…professionals…for…stuff. It's not the end of the world."
"Pacey! I thought there was something, some spark between us. I didn't know…I'm so stupid. Stupid!"
"Dougie, stop for a second."
Arms crossed and face stony, Doug did as Pacey asked. Pacey could see that Doug was embarrassed and hurting and truthfully Pacey didn't know what he could say that would make him feel even a little bit better. He opened with the obvious, "I'm sorry that happened Doug. Really."
Doug looked at Pacey his eyes filling with tears, "I…it's…why…"
"It sucks Doug, but it's not your fault. These things…well they happen when you put yourself out there. Life is a series of fuck-ups man. At least for most of us."
"I hate this."
'I know but try and look on the bright side. You wanted to have some new experiences and allow yourself to make some mistakes and you did. That's a big deal Doug. You made some real doozies too. You got drunk, hit on a guy with a boyfriend, got in a bar fight, made out on the dance floor with a hot guy who turned around tried to get you to pay for sex. You did all that in one night. One night. It's a pretty impressive array of mistakes. But now you won't have to worry about making any mistakes for the next… several months at least. You met your quota."
"It's not funny Pacey."
"No. It's not," agreed Pacey, nodding solemnly. "Maybe…well, just a tiny bit funny. Come on Doug! You never screw up! I had no idea you had this in you! I honestly thought I had the family market cornered on spectacular mistakes. Seriously, I know you're freaked out, but I'm impressed. You went for it - you just grabbed life by the balls and went for it. It's cool. I mean, I know it didn't turn out great but Damn! You should try and be proud of the fact that you went for it Doug."
"You are such a moron," said Doug but he couldn't help but smile. Pacey was obviously sincere in his admiration and surprisingly, it did make Doug feel a little bit better. "Can we please go home?"
"Absolutely. Destination: Capeside," said Pacey glad he was able to smooth Doug out at least a little bit.
-------------------
It was late when the brothers pulled into town. Doug had fallen asleep for a large part of the drive back and Pacey had to shake him awake when he finally got to Doug's place.
"Dougie? Rise and shine," Pacey chirped. "You're home."
"Wha..? Oh, I feel like hell. My neck…" Doug rolled his head around trying to stretch the kink out of his neck. The movements made him feel queasy, well queasier actually. "My head….urghh."
"Drink a big glass of water and take some aspirin before you go to bed champ," counseled Pacey.
Doug got out of the car gingerly and stretched when he stood up. He looked at his brother, rumpled and bleary from the drive back to Capeside, "Thanks Pacey."
"For what?"
"For what you said. And did. And for driving my sorry butt home."
"Sure thing."
"I'll probably be blaming at least some of this on you tomorrow."
"I wouldn't have it any other way Doug."
"Ok, well good night," Doug turned and headed toward the front door of his building.
"Hey Gaywad," hollered Pacey. "Don't beat yourself up too much ok? There's no sport in it."
"Go home Pacey," replied Doug, smirking despite the pain in his head. The song from earlier in the night ran through his mind. I may not feel good Doug thought but at least I feel something.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
(Bring me to life)
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
- Bring Me To Life
By Evanescence
part four
Pacey and Doug, bundled in their coats and hats, sat on the deck of the Ice House. It was a cold November night and it was very late. Capeside did a very good impression of being utterly deserted. Doug was tense and shivering. Pacey, on the other hand, felt flattened - like he had just had a ton of bricks dropped on him. He struggled to find the right thing to say.
"You know I was kidding right? I mean I know it bugged you but I thought…it just, you know, bugged you…I never meant to…shit Doug. It's just… I didn't mean to hurt you," stammered Pacey.
"I know. Forget it." Doug gave Pacey a smile letting him know that it was all water under the bridge as far as Doug was concerned.
There was a comfortable silence until Pacey suddenly burst out with, "Good thing Dad isn't alive!"
"That's a terrible thing to say but you're right," said Doug. They both laughed, neither really glad the old man was dead but recognizing how much more difficult this would have been for Doug had he been alive. Would I have been able to do it? wondered Doug. He had spent his whole life trying to win and keep his father's approval. And there was no doubt in his mind that John Witter definitely would not approve of his oldest son being 'a queer homo'.
"So."
"So?"
"So…are you gonna start wearing a dress and waxing your legs?"
Doug couldn't help it, he snorted. "Not hardly. I'm still me Pacey."
There was another pause before Doug said, "I am seeing a therapist in Boston - just to help sort some things out."
"That's cool. So, have you told Mom? Or Gretchen? Or anybody else?" asked Pacey.
"Not yet. I will, but not yet. I wanted to tell you first because…" Doug sighed and his voice trailed off.
"Because of Jack right?" Pacey finished for him.
"Jack…" The thought of Jack made Doug's face light up but he played it cool, "Jack's great but there's nothing going on between us."
"Not yet you mean," said Pacey. He hadn't missed the way his brother's face changed when Jack's name came up. He knew that look, or rather, he knew what that look felt like. It was the same look he felt come over him when he let himself think about Joey. Which was almost never.
"I don't know Pacey. I don't think Jack wants…"
"He really likes you Doug…" Pacey interrupted. He thought back to some of Jack's recent weird behavior - it all made a lot more sense in light of this new information. In fact, he could kick himself for not putting two and two together sooner.
"Maybe," said Doug thoughtfully. "Unfortunately there's more to it than that. It's complicated."
"How so?" pushed Pacey. "You like him - he likes you - what's complicated about that?"
"You really need a definition of complicated relationships? I urge to look at your own love life, little brother. You're a living, breathing example of how complications can mess up your life long term."
"But Dougie, we aren't talking about me. Focus please."
"I just don't know if turning my life completely upside down is really the right thing to do."
"Really?" asked Pacey playfully, "Gonna take a page from Cher and 'Turn Back Time' are you? Enlarge the closet and just move in permanently?"
"No. No, I don't think I can do that." Doug took a deep breath, "It's just so… so messy. I hate messy!" More softly he said, "I hate it!"
"Well, you know me;" Pacey said smiling, "I'm a proponent of mess making, a creator of personal chaos, a firm believer in the wrong thing sometimes being the right thing."
"Typical Pacey philosophy," said Doug trying not to resent his little brother's fearlessness. "It's certainly taken you far."
Ignoring the dig, Pacey said sincerely, "You deserve to be happy Doug."
"I do." Doug conceded, knowing it was true. "We all do I guess. Even you little brother."
"Don't go all gay on me Doug - not now!"
"Too late!" joked Doug, making them both laugh.
"So when, exactly, is it going to be ok for me to say 'I told you so'?" teased Pacey.
"Pretty much never - it would be terribly insensitive and cruel after all."
"Yeah, I guess so. But Doug…"
"Yeah?"
"I totally told you so!" hooted Pacey.
"And Pacey Witter's never-ending quest for sensitivity fails yet again!" said Doug shaking his head with mock sadness.
--------------
Later that week, Doug sat in his therapist's tastefully decorated Boston office and tried to explain his contradictory feelings. He was so glad Pacey knew but he also never wanted to tell another person he was gay for as long as he lived. He longed for intimacy but the thought of dating made him want to vomit up everything he had ever eaten in his entire life. He was gay. He was excited. He was terrified. He was so frustrated he wanted to bang his head against the colonial style coffee table that sat between him and Doctor Fiona Olson. She recognized his extreme state of aggravation and said, "Let's put aside the issue of sexual preference for a minute Doug."
"But that's why I'm here," huffed Doug.
"Just humor me a minute," she said. "Can you tell me a little bit about your feelings regarding change in general?"
"I don't hate change," said Doug a little defensively.
"That's an interesting way to start."
"I mean it. I don't hate it, I just…I hate mistakes. I hate that feeling of when you mess up."
"What is that feeling Doug?" she prodded gently.
"What do you mean?"
"Just think about it a minute. When you make a mistake, what specifically is that feeling?"
There was a pause and then Doug answered, "Frustration. Shame. Failure I guess."
She nodded, "So you have to do everything right, all the time? Or else you're a failure."
"Pretty much," Doug agreed. "I either do things right or I don't do them at all."
"So when do you get to try new things? When do you get to experiment? When do you get to play?"
"I don't really… It's not…I'm a perfectionist. That's all. I like doing things the right way."
"Have you always had to be perfect?"
"For as long as I can remember," said Doug chewing worriedly on his lower lip, "My family, well my Dad…but look, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to talk about me being gay and why it freaks me out so much."
"Ok," said Dr. Olson changing her tack slightly "Let me ask you this Doug. Do you think there is something wrong with homosexuality as it pertains to other people?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you think there is something fundamentally wrong or defective with people who are gay? People like your friend Jack?" she clarified for him.
"Of course not, no."
"Do you think homosexuality, in general, is immoral or deviant?"
"No."
"Do you think it's a crime to love someone of the same sex?"
"No."
"Do you think it's repulsive or shameful to be attracted to someone of the same sex?"
"Not really."
"Do you think you deserve to find love and happiness?"
"Yeah…"
"Are you willing to mistakes to find that love and happiness Doug?"
"?" Doug sat there, staring at Dr. Olson but not answering her question.
"You see Doug; I'm starting to think this isn't really about your sexuality at all. You seem to be rather open minded and accepting of homosexuality. Maybe you've known for a long time that you are attracted to men. But you've never acted on it. It wasn't until you considered acting on those feelings that they suddenly became a problem. So it seems to me, that your neurosis stems not from the fact that you are attracted to men but rather from the fact that you don't allow yourself to make mistakes. You are resistant to change because you are reluctant to try anything outside of your comfort zone."
Dr. Olson paused and smiled at Doug before continuing, "Accepting and then acting on your sexuality is going to take you out of your comfort zone in unpredictable ways. You'll be dealing with myriad new options and within each one, there is a potential for failure. From learning how to be physically close to someone to becoming intimate with someone on an emotional level - even the most experienced and well-adjusted human being makes mistakes in these areas. And in many ways, because you've closed yourself off for so long from love, and the intimate contacts that come with love, you'll be starting from square one. You'll be an adolescent. And what do adolescents do better than anyone else? They make mistakes. So you have to decide if starting over at square one and doing all that work is better or worse than not starting at all. And if you decide you are willing to do the work, then you are going to have to give yourself permission to make some mistakes. Even big, appalling, humiliating mistakes. But I can promise you; no one has died from embarrassment, at least not yet."
Doug just sat there looking thoughtful and a bit stunned. What Dr. Olson said made a lot of sense but it was a lot to take in at once.
"I tell you what," said the doctor, "I'll go get you a glass of water and give you a minute to digest all this."
With that she left the office, leaving Doug pondering what to do next. Make mistakes. He didn't really like the sound of that, but it had a certain logic to it. When Dr. Olson returned with his water, she noted that their time was up for the day, "But we'll talk more about this next week. It would be great if between now and then, you allowed yourself a new experience or two. It doesn't have to be anything major. Just do something you wouldn't normally allow yourself to do because you're afraid you can't do it perfectly."
Doug nodded, "I'll give it a try." Doug finished his water quickly; even after all these weeks, he was always a little surprised how thirsty these sessions made him. Doug stood up to go, "Thanks Doc. This was actually pretty helpful."
Doctor Olson smiled and let out a small laugh. She was as glad that the skeptical Sheriff Witter was finally starting to realize that therapy wasn't a waste of his valuable time. "Have a good week Doug."
-------------
Later that afternoon, Doug and Pacey were driving back to Capeside in Pacey's beloved wreck of a car. Pacey had insisted on driving up to Boston with Doug after claiming that he needed to speak to a new supplier for the Ice House who was, conveniently, located in the city. He had convinced Doug that a Witter brother road trip was something neither one of them could afford to miss. So far, the trip had been fun. The two brothers had done a little Christmas shopping and had lunch before splitting up and going to their respective appointments.
"So what she said made a lot of sense but I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do next," finished Doug. He couldn't believe he was talking to Pacey about all this but his little brother had proven to be a surprisingly good listener and had even kicked in some words of wisdom in his own right. After the years of animosity between them, Doug appreciated the friendship that had slowly grown between them over the last year and he knew Pacey did too.
"Well, luckily you happen to be related to the King of Blunders, Mishaps and General Errors in Judgment. I know exactly what you need to do!" said Pacey with a sly smile. With that said, he made a spectacularly hasty U turn and headed back toward Boston.
"Jesus Pacey! Death on the highway wasn't exactly the new experience I was hoping for!" yelped Doug.
"Relax man. I know what I'm doing!"
"Where are we going?" asked Doug.
"Back to Boston," answered Pacey merrily.
"Why?"
"Because Beantown is a great place to make mistakes! And unlike Capeside, there's plenty of anonymity to go around."
"Yeah, I don't like the sound of this," said Doug who was suddenly squeamish, "Let's just go home."
"No can do. It's time for you to get your gay on Doug!"
"I don't even know what that means you moron!"
"You will by the time this night is over," laughed Pacey.
-----------
The bar Pacey took them to was called The Juju Lounge; it was dark, smoky and a little sordid. It was also packed with a variety of beautiful, and one assumed, available men.
Doug was extremely apprehensive and so, in an effort to calm his nerves, he downed several beers in quick succession. Doug wasn't really a big drinker; consequently, he became tipsy very quickly. As Doug finished beer number three, Pacey scoped out the place and asked, "So what's your type Dougie?"
"I don't have a type yet do I?"
"Sure. You must. What about that guy?" Pacey gestured to a very tall slender blonde who was wearing cropped red t-shirt, silver pants and several hoop earrings.
Without missing a beat, Doug said, "Way too gay."
"That one?" asked Pacey motioning to a Latino man in baggy pants that were about to fall down.
"Belt-adverse. That's a problem," laughed Doug.
"Ok, what about him?" This time Pacey pointed to an older man in a plaid shirt.
"Ugh. He looks like Dad. Your taste in men is terrible! Maybe I'll just go check this place out on my own," laughing a little Doug got up from the table and headed over to the bar. He didn't really want to mix and mingle but he couldn't sit there picking out men with his little brother. It was too weird.
He waited to get the bartender's attention, then ordered yet another beer, this one with a whiskey side car. He was feeling pretty good. Maybe Pacey had been right to drag him here. He looked over at his brother to see that even in a bar primarily full of men, Pacey had found a couple of girls to chat up. And they even looked interested. Must be fag hags thought Doug hazily. He turned back to his beer and took a deep drink.
"Hey there cowboy. Mind if I join you?" asked a smooth voice. Doug looked over and focused on the owner of the voice. He was of medium build with dark brown hair and brown eyes. He wore a green sweater, jeans, and some unfortunate tennis shoes. Not bad thought Doug, I think. Does that mean he's my type?
"So, do I pass inspection? Can I sit down?" the man indicated the barstool next to Doug.
"Yeah. Go ahead. I didn't mean to stare. Did I stare?"
"I'm Greg," said the man deliberately ignoring Doug's question.
"Doug. Are you hitting on me? And if so, why? Are you hitting on me?" asked Doug not realizing what an ass he sounded like.
"Not anymore," said Greg as he got up and walked away.
That didn't go well thought Doug drunkenly as he finished his beer and ordered another. I better do better.
He scanned the dim room searching for he didn't know exactly what. When he saw a tall, slender but well muscled, man with dark hair and full lips he instinctively thought of Jack and smiled. Without thinking he walked across the room and toward the man who bore a passing resemblance to Jack and introduced himself.
"Hi, I'm Doug"
"David," said the man not bothering to look at Doug.
"You remind me of someone," said Doug. "He's beautiful too."
With that, David turned and actually looked at Doug. Pleased by what he saw, David smiled and said, "Really?" David's eyes were shining at Doug and he gave him a seductive look as if daring him to say more.
"Oh yeah," Doug couldn't help it he ran his hand up this stranger's strong arm, thrilling to the touch and amazed by his boldness. Alcohol is really very helpful he thought, I'm not nervous at all!
From across the bar, Pacey saw Doug talking to a tall, good-looking man. In fact, he was surprised to see that Doug was practically hanging off the man's arm. That was fast thought Pacey. Maybe too fast he corrected as he saw another man approach Doug and the stranger. This new guy looked decidedly angry. When he saw the angry guy shove his brother, he hurriedly excused himself to the redhead he had been chatting up and headed over toward Doug.
"I don't know what your problem is man but you better step off."
"I have no problem. I was merely having a conversation with David here," said Doug slurring his words a tiny bit. "If there is a problem, perhaps it is you. Maybe you should leave us alone."
"Doug, what's going on?" asked Pacey, doing his best to look tough and formidable. He didn't like the feel of this.
"Pace - Meet the beautiful David!" enthused an obviously drunk Doug. "I do not know who this rude fellow is."
"I'm David's boyfriend," snarled the angry man. David, for his part, just stood back and looked for all the world like he enjoyed nothing more than having men fight over him.
Pacey realized this situation could get ugly fast and in hopes of defusing the situation said, "Look dude, my brother, he's not a drinker and he's pretty drunk right now. So how 'bout we just get outta your way and no harm, no foul."
"I think that's a smart idea," sneered the man, "and if your brother can't hold his liquor or his tongue, maybe he shouldn't be playing with the grown ups."
"Fuck you!"
Pacey couldn't believe it; he was pretty sure he had never heard Doug utter those words before in his life. What has happening here?
"What did you say?" bellowed Mr. Angry Boyfriend.
"You heard me. You think you can mess with me? I may be a little bit drunk but you're a huge jackass."
"Doug, come on, let's just go," urged Pacey.
"Back off Pacey, I can take care of myself!"
"I know you can Doug," said Pacey, "But think, is it really worth it?"
Just then Mr. Angry Boyfriend took a swing at Doug, who neatly dodged the incoming blow. Whirling around, Mr. Angry looked, if anything, angrier and sputtering he came at Doug again.
Again Doug sidestepped the bigger man. Looking at Pacey, Doug said, "You're right, it's not worth it. Besides, he's a total clod." Turning toward Mr. Angry, Doug said haughtily, "You sir, lack finesse."
Pacey was pretty sure that that was the final straw. Mr. Angry may lack finesse but he had motivation and muscles to spare. He reared back and Pacey steeled himself for what was coming next...
Just then a bartender came over to see what all the commotion was about, "Is there a problem here? Billy are you fighting again? Goddammit. I told you last time…"
As the bartender hollered at Billy, Pacey and Doug decided to take their leave of The Juju Lounge. Grabbing their coats, they headed out to the street.
"Jesus, Doug," cried Pacey, "What was that all about? Doug Witter picking a fight in a bar? That's something I never thought I'd see."
"I didn't pick a fight," exclaimed Doug. The brothers were walking briskly down the street towards the car in hopes of staying warm.
"Yeah, you did. And you were hitting on the guy's boyfriend!"
"I was not! Was I? He was cute," said Doug.
"Who are you?"
"Hello. I'm supposed to be trying new things. Plus, do I have to remind you that this was your big idea."
"I didn't know you were going to try everything tonight," said Pacey, laughing a little. "I thought maybe some flirting, a phone number exchange, you know rookie stuff."
"I didn't try everything. I didn't even kiss him!"
"Well the night is still," Pacey looked at his watch, "…relatively young. If you're still up for it that is."
"Where will we go?"
"What about this place?" They were in front of a place called The Cuff Club; it was far seedier than The Juju Lounge but just as packed, if not more so.
"Ok," said Doug and he turned and he walked in the front door, surprising Pacey once again. He must be drunker than I thought, thought Pacey as he attempted followed him inside.
Inside the club, the music was so loud that Doug could barely hear himself think. He wandered over toward the dance floor, just to take a look. It was crowded with men and women dancing. He took it all in and soon found that he was hypnotized by the rhythm of the music and the pulsating bodies.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
Wake me up, thought Doug, save me from the nothing…Doug found himself on the dance floor moving, lost amongst the bodies, feeling the heat and the beat and the alcohol envelope him in a safe bubble. Save me from the nothing I've become. More than anything Doug wanted to feel what everyone else felt, to know what they knew.
When he felt a pair of strong hands on his waist, Doug was startled. He turned around to face a very pretty boy with green eyes, black hair and a lusty look in his eyes. Doug opened his mouth to say something then realized he'd never be heard above the music, so he shut his mouth. He let himself dance with this mysterious stranger, trying not to think about what he was doing. I need another beer thought Doug as he felt the familiar anxiety rear its head.
The boy had no idea that Doug was struggling with himself to stay in the moment and just live. But when he leaned in and kissed Doug, he felt the jolt that shot through him and smiled.
Doug was so shocked by the kiss that for a moment he just stood stock still in the middle of the dance floor. But the boy didn't let up; he kept kissing Doug, nuzzling his neck and nibbling on his ear. Doug's vulnerable defenses came crashing down and he found himself making out with a total stranger in the middle of a dance floor in a seedy little club in Boston. Doug couldn't believe how turned on he was by this. He was aware that a small part of his brain found the experience very funny and strange but he ignored it. He kept dancing. He kept kissing the boy.
When the boy took his hand and pulled him off the dance floor and out the back door and into the alley, Doug had no desire to resist him. Once outside he said, "What's your name?" The boy, he had to be at least 21 didn't he? thought Doug, didn't answer but instead started kissing Doug ferociously again.
When they broke apart, the boy said, "Blaze."
"What?" asked Doug somewhat breathlessly.
"You can call me Blaze. You wanna go somewhere more private? Your place?" He ran his hands up Doug's chest and stared deep into his eyes.
"I'm not from here," said Doug.
Blaze sighed and looked annoyed.
"My car isn't far away," Doug quickly offered wanting more than anything at that moment, to make Blaze happy. "We could go there."
"Ok. Let's go."
As they walked the short distance to the parking garage, Doug tried to strike up a conversation.
"How old are you?"
"Don't worry about it ok? I'm old enough."
Puzzled by Blaze's response he changed the subject. "Do you go to The Cuff Club often?"
"Are you kidding me with this shit?"
"I was just…you know, curious."
"Don't worry I'll satisfy your curiosity when we get to the car ok?"
They walked in silence the rest of the way. When they got to the garage, Doug panicked thinking Pacey has the keys! The he remembered he had the spare key on his key ring. Thank goodness! That would have been so embarrassing!
"Your car's kinda a piece of shit," observed Blaze.
"Actually it's my brother's car. I have an Explorer but we took his car this time. He used to have a BMW but…" aware that he was starting to ramble, Doug fell silent. He unlocked the passenger door and held it open for Blaze then walked around and got in the driver's side.
As he situated himself, he looked at Blaze more closely. He was very handsome but maybe not as young as he had appeared in the Club. That's a good thing he told himself. He had a strained look around his eyes Doug noted. He reached up and stroked Blaze's face tenderly. Blaze took that as his cue to start kissing Doug again.
I should have told Pacey I was leaving thought Doug. He won't know what happened to me. I hope he doesn't worry.
"Hey big guy, you want to do this or not? I get the feeling you aren't really here."
"No, I mean I do. Want to. I'm here," Doug assured Blaze.
"Ok, since we're in a car, we're kinda limited by what can happen. But you'll enjoy it no matter."
"Sure…" said Doug becoming a little confused.
"So it's $35 for hand, $55 oral - which you want?"
"What?" The reality of the situation came crashing down on Doug. This boy, this beautiful boy, was soliciting him. There was no spontaneous, magical passion between them; it had all been about money. For a minute Doug thought he was going to be sick. He was sober in an instant.
"What's it gonna be Mister? Hand job or blowjob? I ain't got all night."
"Yeah, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding here…" Doug wished the earth would open up and swallow him whole. This would teach him. Or yes, it certainly would.
'You're shitting me right?" Blaze was getting angry. "Don't fuck with me man. You drug me all the way out here!" Then he saw the look on Doug's face and laughed bitterly, "What? Did you think this was some love connection we had going on? Gimme a break. You fuckin' idiot. Look at least give me $20 bucks for my trouble."
"That's not going to happen Blaze."
"Give me one reason why the fuck not?"
"How about because I'm a cop." Doug pulled out his badge betting Blaze wouldn't notice that he was from Capeside and not Boston. He was right.
"Shit man," Blaze hustled to get out of the car, "No hard feelings huh? Honest mistake. Have a good evening officer." Blaze beat a hasty retreat away from Doug and out the parking garage. A minute passed by and Doug just sat there letting the horrified feelings and nausea wash over him. What had he done? What had he almost done? Why? What was wrong with him?
He sagged in the car seat and rested his head on the steering wheel. He willed his heart to keep beating. He reminded his lungs to keep exhaling and inhaling. He clenched and unclenched his fists. He wished for some sort of unexpected, spur-of-the-moment amnesia.
When, after 20 minutes he neither died from the humiliation nor ceased remembering what had just transpired, Doug realized he was going to have to go back to the Club and find Pacey. That's just perfect, thought Doug angrily. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
Doug stomped back to The Cuff Club and stared at the building that not that long ago seemed to hold fun and excitement. The music still beat loudly and people still poured in and out, but to Doug's now jaded eye, it seemed disgusting, shallow, and pathetic. He walked in and looked for Pacey. He saw him by the bar, nursing a beer and looking around as if trying to spot someone in the crush of people. He's looking for me Doug realized. It made him feel a tiny bit better to know somebody cared about him. Even if it was his no-good brother. He pushed his way over to Pacey and signaled that they should leave.
When they both reached the sidewalk, Pacey grinned and said, "Where did you go? I was starting to think you ditched me! Last I saw, you were working it out on the dance floor. So," he arched his eyebrows at Doug, "what happened? Spill it. Did you get lucky?"
Doug started walking back toward the car. "Did I get lucky?" asked Doug bitterly. "In a manner of speaking, I suppose I did."
"You dog! Tell me…"
"I don't want to talk about it Pacey."
"Pretty sure I'm not gonna let you off the hook with that Doug," laughed Pacey as he threw an arm around Doug's neck and pretended to give him a noogie.
Doug quickly disentangled himself from Pacey and shoved his brother away. "Pretty sure you have no choice," spat Doug.
"Doug, what the hell happened? Last I saw you, you were happy and having a good time."
Doug stopped walking and turned and faced Pacey, "That guy you saw me with on the dance floor…?"
"Yeah?"
"We went out to the car…"
"And?"
"And he was a prostitute! He wanted me to pay him for…you know."
"And did you?"
Doug stormed off down the street, practically screaming, "Hell no! HELL NO! Why would you think…?!"
"Calm down Doug," Pacey ran to catch up with Doug and said in his most soothing voice. "A lot of guys have gone to…professionals…for…stuff. It's not the end of the world."
"Pacey! I thought there was something, some spark between us. I didn't know…I'm so stupid. Stupid!"
"Dougie, stop for a second."
Arms crossed and face stony, Doug did as Pacey asked. Pacey could see that Doug was embarrassed and hurting and truthfully Pacey didn't know what he could say that would make him feel even a little bit better. He opened with the obvious, "I'm sorry that happened Doug. Really."
Doug looked at Pacey his eyes filling with tears, "I…it's…why…"
"It sucks Doug, but it's not your fault. These things…well they happen when you put yourself out there. Life is a series of fuck-ups man. At least for most of us."
"I hate this."
'I know but try and look on the bright side. You wanted to have some new experiences and allow yourself to make some mistakes and you did. That's a big deal Doug. You made some real doozies too. You got drunk, hit on a guy with a boyfriend, got in a bar fight, made out on the dance floor with a hot guy who turned around tried to get you to pay for sex. You did all that in one night. One night. It's a pretty impressive array of mistakes. But now you won't have to worry about making any mistakes for the next… several months at least. You met your quota."
"It's not funny Pacey."
"No. It's not," agreed Pacey, nodding solemnly. "Maybe…well, just a tiny bit funny. Come on Doug! You never screw up! I had no idea you had this in you! I honestly thought I had the family market cornered on spectacular mistakes. Seriously, I know you're freaked out, but I'm impressed. You went for it - you just grabbed life by the balls and went for it. It's cool. I mean, I know it didn't turn out great but Damn! You should try and be proud of the fact that you went for it Doug."
"You are such a moron," said Doug but he couldn't help but smile. Pacey was obviously sincere in his admiration and surprisingly, it did make Doug feel a little bit better. "Can we please go home?"
"Absolutely. Destination: Capeside," said Pacey glad he was able to smooth Doug out at least a little bit.
-------------------
It was late when the brothers pulled into town. Doug had fallen asleep for a large part of the drive back and Pacey had to shake him awake when he finally got to Doug's place.
"Dougie? Rise and shine," Pacey chirped. "You're home."
"Wha..? Oh, I feel like hell. My neck…" Doug rolled his head around trying to stretch the kink out of his neck. The movements made him feel queasy, well queasier actually. "My head….urghh."
"Drink a big glass of water and take some aspirin before you go to bed champ," counseled Pacey.
Doug got out of the car gingerly and stretched when he stood up. He looked at his brother, rumpled and bleary from the drive back to Capeside, "Thanks Pacey."
"For what?"
"For what you said. And did. And for driving my sorry butt home."
"Sure thing."
"I'll probably be blaming at least some of this on you tomorrow."
"I wouldn't have it any other way Doug."
"Ok, well good night," Doug turned and headed toward the front door of his building.
"Hey Gaywad," hollered Pacey. "Don't beat yourself up too much ok? There's no sport in it."
"Go home Pacey," replied Doug, smirking despite the pain in his head. The song from earlier in the night ran through his mind. I may not feel good Doug thought but at least I feel something.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I've become
(Bring me to life)
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
- Bring Me To Life
By Evanescence
end part four