Chapter 11 - Can't See Beyond the Moment
"Recovery relies on the patient's mental state. Desire, willpower and perseverance are key for recovery," Luka could hear the words from his med-school professor echo in his head, like it was yesterday. There were days when those were words to live by and then there were others when he had nothing left. No will, no confidence, no strength.
After he emerged from the coma, he spent another week being closely observed because he spiked another fever and was being treated for pneumonia. One day he asked a nurse to hand him his chart before she left. He had not been keen on reading it and no one really asked him if he wanted to. He wondered if what was written there was so bad that everyone preferred if he didn't read it. No one was around, so slowly, he flipped the first page. As he read over the pages he could feel a lump rise in his throat. He was scared, shocked and he was worried that his fractures would threaten his career. He knew that if he was concerned, so too were, Anspaugh, Elizabeth and Dean. He felt a knot in his stomach as he continued to read about his internal injuries. He had surgery on his kidney and renal vein, he had a lung re- inflated, a hemorrhage repair in his small intestine, a repaired liver laceration and major surgery on his right leg and left arm. He froze when he saw that his heart stopped during surgery and he was in v-tach in the ER.
He peered over the chart, very aware of his breathing. He tried to get a glimpse of his leg. It was in lightly bandaged while the external fixation pins in his leg did their job. They would have to be removed and the incision healed somewhat before casting but though it was elevated the sling made it impossible for him to have a look. He tried adjusting the bed but it was no use. He was fixed in the position he was in. He started to feel panicked. Sweat beaded on his brow and chest. He tried to move again but his ribs ached too much. Suddenly he felt pain stab throughout his body. "The meds must be wearing off," he thought. He just wanted to move out of the bed, out of the room; but it seemed sweltering and it was difficult to breathe. He tugged at and ripped out the nasal cannula and was even trying to get out of the bed.
Susan and Lydia were giggling and chatting as they approached his room. Suddenly Lydia called out, "Dr. Kovac!" The two women rushed to his side which alerted the ICU nurse who was with another patient.
"Luka! Luka, calm down. It's okay!" said Susan as she tried to stop him from thrashing about.
"He's hyperventilating," she said.
"He's burning up," said Lydia "Dr. Kovac, you've got to take slow deep breaths. Look at me," she said turning his face towards her to get eye contact. "Look at me ... Good ... Good. Okay, breathe slowly. Good, good," Lydia encouraged.
Lydia, Susan and the ICU nurse settled him in the bed again. The nurse brought him some pain medication and Lydia gently dabbed his chest and brow. Glancing at Susan, she moved her eyes to the chart on the bed.
"So, you've been reading," Susan began.
Luka said nothing; only sulked and avoided her eyes.
"Doctors truly make the worst patients," smiled Lydia. "There, comfortable?" she asked Luka nodded and said thanks. "Well, I certainly didn't expect to find you like this on my visit. Take it easy, okay?" Lydia squeezed his hand. "I've got to get back. No more reading!" she wagged a finger at Luka and he smiled like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar.
"What's up, Luka?" Susan asked. The look on her face and her tone of voice told him he had to answer her question.
"I ... read ... what happened to me and ... I panicked. I don't know what's going to happen now. I don't even know if I'll be able to work again. Then what will I do? I just can't see past today!"
"Well, let's start with you're not dead. You've just come out of a coma. That was the first step,"
"But Susan, my leg's been shattered and my arm is broken in two places. I need my arm so that I can work!"
"Luka, you're going to have to take things one at a time. You were lucky. Steve could have killed you. I nearly lost you in the ER and then Elizabeth nearly lost you in the OR. You've survived another huge blow. You're going to take a long time to heal but you will heal," Susan could see her words were beginning to have an impact on him. His faced looked more relaxed.
"Look here. You probably didn't see the part where there is no known nerve damage to your arm. And look, about your leg ... Says here the femoral artery was in tact and there didn't seem to be a lot of serious muscle damage. The fact that you have a strong distal pulse is good and you can move your foot and your toes so the nerve damage is minimal. Stop reading! But if you must, try and read the good stuff too,"
Luka looked out the window.
"What?" asked Susan.
"You're right. I'm lucky,"
"Again Luka ... what? Say what's on your mind,"
"Do you believe in ... that whole ... I don't know ... comatose state where patients say they hear and see things; people, places?" he asked
"Yeah. Lots of patients say that's what brought them out of comas. Why?" asked Susan.
"No reason,"he said, looking away again.
"Did you experience something like that?" asked Susan. "It must be weird experiencing that as a doctor. It crosses a lot of lines ... scientific reasoning, religion ..."
"I got permission to come back ... from my family. They were in my dream or something and they kept telling me that Sam and Alex needed me here. It was strange. I could hear all of you. Your voices were muffled but I recognized voices, Sam's touch, Alex's voice, smells ... (Humph,) I even knew when the nurses' shift changed because I could hear Haleh, Chuney and Lydia when they came to see me. It was funny, coming to think of it. They would adjust the sheets and check the IV and just question the ICU nurses' judgment every time they were here. It was a very strange state to be in. Anyway, I got permission to come back and now ... I don't know how I'm going to be a doctor, a husband or a father if I can't even walk. What if I don't heal properly? What good will I be to anyone?"
"Did I just hear you correctly?" asked Susan looking very surprised. "Are you going to ask Sam to marry you?"
"I was but I don't want her to get stuck with me if ..."
"She's not going to be stuck with you!"
"She will be if I can't walk or I can't work. She doesn't need any more problems! And I've had enough pity in my life, thank you,"
"Can you look beyond yourself right now, Luka? Don't you see Sam and that kid adore you, no matter what? She went through hell when she thought you were going to die! Come on, don't be like this. You're badly hurt ... and yes, it's depressing and uncertain but you're loved ... and wanted and you've got tons of support. You can't quit now!" Susan huffed and looked down at her watch. "I've gotta get back. Just remember what I said, okay? Hang in there," she kissed him on the cheek and turned to leave.
"Easy for you to say," he said with a half grin "You're not the one getting stuck with me," He wanted to get her riled up again and it worked.
"Ahhhh!" growled Susan as she left the room. She passed Sam on her way out.
"Hey, what's up?" asked Sam, jovially.
"That man of yours better be delirious from his fever. He's a stubborn mule who is very good at driving me mad!"
Confused, Sam looked at Luka "What?"
Luka smiled and reached his arm out to Sam and she came to his side and kissed him. Susan had a point. Sam wouldn't care about what unnerved him about his recovery. She and Alex loved him and that was all. Still, he couldn't see beyond this moment. He wanted to assume his role in their family and he was doubtful if he could do it the way he envisioned.
"Recovery relies on the patient's mental state. Desire, willpower and perseverance are key for recovery," Luka could hear the words from his med-school professor echo in his head, like it was yesterday. There were days when those were words to live by and then there were others when he had nothing left. No will, no confidence, no strength.
After he emerged from the coma, he spent another week being closely observed because he spiked another fever and was being treated for pneumonia. One day he asked a nurse to hand him his chart before she left. He had not been keen on reading it and no one really asked him if he wanted to. He wondered if what was written there was so bad that everyone preferred if he didn't read it. No one was around, so slowly, he flipped the first page. As he read over the pages he could feel a lump rise in his throat. He was scared, shocked and he was worried that his fractures would threaten his career. He knew that if he was concerned, so too were, Anspaugh, Elizabeth and Dean. He felt a knot in his stomach as he continued to read about his internal injuries. He had surgery on his kidney and renal vein, he had a lung re- inflated, a hemorrhage repair in his small intestine, a repaired liver laceration and major surgery on his right leg and left arm. He froze when he saw that his heart stopped during surgery and he was in v-tach in the ER.
He peered over the chart, very aware of his breathing. He tried to get a glimpse of his leg. It was in lightly bandaged while the external fixation pins in his leg did their job. They would have to be removed and the incision healed somewhat before casting but though it was elevated the sling made it impossible for him to have a look. He tried adjusting the bed but it was no use. He was fixed in the position he was in. He started to feel panicked. Sweat beaded on his brow and chest. He tried to move again but his ribs ached too much. Suddenly he felt pain stab throughout his body. "The meds must be wearing off," he thought. He just wanted to move out of the bed, out of the room; but it seemed sweltering and it was difficult to breathe. He tugged at and ripped out the nasal cannula and was even trying to get out of the bed.
Susan and Lydia were giggling and chatting as they approached his room. Suddenly Lydia called out, "Dr. Kovac!" The two women rushed to his side which alerted the ICU nurse who was with another patient.
"Luka! Luka, calm down. It's okay!" said Susan as she tried to stop him from thrashing about.
"He's hyperventilating," she said.
"He's burning up," said Lydia "Dr. Kovac, you've got to take slow deep breaths. Look at me," she said turning his face towards her to get eye contact. "Look at me ... Good ... Good. Okay, breathe slowly. Good, good," Lydia encouraged.
Lydia, Susan and the ICU nurse settled him in the bed again. The nurse brought him some pain medication and Lydia gently dabbed his chest and brow. Glancing at Susan, she moved her eyes to the chart on the bed.
"So, you've been reading," Susan began.
Luka said nothing; only sulked and avoided her eyes.
"Doctors truly make the worst patients," smiled Lydia. "There, comfortable?" she asked Luka nodded and said thanks. "Well, I certainly didn't expect to find you like this on my visit. Take it easy, okay?" Lydia squeezed his hand. "I've got to get back. No more reading!" she wagged a finger at Luka and he smiled like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar.
"What's up, Luka?" Susan asked. The look on her face and her tone of voice told him he had to answer her question.
"I ... read ... what happened to me and ... I panicked. I don't know what's going to happen now. I don't even know if I'll be able to work again. Then what will I do? I just can't see past today!"
"Well, let's start with you're not dead. You've just come out of a coma. That was the first step,"
"But Susan, my leg's been shattered and my arm is broken in two places. I need my arm so that I can work!"
"Luka, you're going to have to take things one at a time. You were lucky. Steve could have killed you. I nearly lost you in the ER and then Elizabeth nearly lost you in the OR. You've survived another huge blow. You're going to take a long time to heal but you will heal," Susan could see her words were beginning to have an impact on him. His faced looked more relaxed.
"Look here. You probably didn't see the part where there is no known nerve damage to your arm. And look, about your leg ... Says here the femoral artery was in tact and there didn't seem to be a lot of serious muscle damage. The fact that you have a strong distal pulse is good and you can move your foot and your toes so the nerve damage is minimal. Stop reading! But if you must, try and read the good stuff too,"
Luka looked out the window.
"What?" asked Susan.
"You're right. I'm lucky,"
"Again Luka ... what? Say what's on your mind,"
"Do you believe in ... that whole ... I don't know ... comatose state where patients say they hear and see things; people, places?" he asked
"Yeah. Lots of patients say that's what brought them out of comas. Why?" asked Susan.
"No reason,"he said, looking away again.
"Did you experience something like that?" asked Susan. "It must be weird experiencing that as a doctor. It crosses a lot of lines ... scientific reasoning, religion ..."
"I got permission to come back ... from my family. They were in my dream or something and they kept telling me that Sam and Alex needed me here. It was strange. I could hear all of you. Your voices were muffled but I recognized voices, Sam's touch, Alex's voice, smells ... (Humph,) I even knew when the nurses' shift changed because I could hear Haleh, Chuney and Lydia when they came to see me. It was funny, coming to think of it. They would adjust the sheets and check the IV and just question the ICU nurses' judgment every time they were here. It was a very strange state to be in. Anyway, I got permission to come back and now ... I don't know how I'm going to be a doctor, a husband or a father if I can't even walk. What if I don't heal properly? What good will I be to anyone?"
"Did I just hear you correctly?" asked Susan looking very surprised. "Are you going to ask Sam to marry you?"
"I was but I don't want her to get stuck with me if ..."
"She's not going to be stuck with you!"
"She will be if I can't walk or I can't work. She doesn't need any more problems! And I've had enough pity in my life, thank you,"
"Can you look beyond yourself right now, Luka? Don't you see Sam and that kid adore you, no matter what? She went through hell when she thought you were going to die! Come on, don't be like this. You're badly hurt ... and yes, it's depressing and uncertain but you're loved ... and wanted and you've got tons of support. You can't quit now!" Susan huffed and looked down at her watch. "I've gotta get back. Just remember what I said, okay? Hang in there," she kissed him on the cheek and turned to leave.
"Easy for you to say," he said with a half grin "You're not the one getting stuck with me," He wanted to get her riled up again and it worked.
"Ahhhh!" growled Susan as she left the room. She passed Sam on her way out.
"Hey, what's up?" asked Sam, jovially.
"That man of yours better be delirious from his fever. He's a stubborn mule who is very good at driving me mad!"
Confused, Sam looked at Luka "What?"
Luka smiled and reached his arm out to Sam and she came to his side and kissed him. Susan had a point. Sam wouldn't care about what unnerved him about his recovery. She and Alex loved him and that was all. Still, he couldn't see beyond this moment. He wanted to assume his role in their family and he was doubtful if he could do it the way he envisioned.