Note: Oh my god, you guys, I'm super sorry I haven't updated in... way too long. I'm so bad, you should whip me. (Oooh, kink. wiggles eyebrows) I'll try to be more action-y from now on. For all those that're still being patient with me (you're all crazy), a big, big thank you.
(FF killed my formatting! Grr!)

Disclaimer: I wish I owned BtVS... but alas...


Dedicated to: All of you out there who're still reading from my sorry self! Love y'all!



Part III – "Dazed"

"You went out clubbing again..."

Lights. Flashing, multicolored, chaotic enough to mirror myself. My life, my thoughts, my feelings.

"You told me you'd stop."

Music. Deafening, hard, honest, real, screaming words that dig so far back into my past... Hurting so badly, I can't even find the words to describe... I don't want... don't like to remember – but it just feels so good to hurt sometime.

"You don't even listen to me anymore."

People. Girls with long blonde hair, pastel clothes. Girls, whose eyes hold more secrets, more pain, so much more than they should. Girls who should be... you. Being held in my arms. But not.

"Why won't you let me in?"

You cared. You cared. You cared... You used to care. Do you still care? But I don't care. I'm winning. I don't care. Don't. Care. I have your best friend wrapped around my finger. You lose this one, bitch.

"Faith..."

She looks sad. So sad. Like you sometimes... but it's different. I made her sad. I did. Making her sad would get to you, wouldn't it? Let her go back and cry about it to you. Let her. I don't care. I'm winning. Winning. Finally.

"Sometimes, I just..."

Cigarette between my fingers. Watching as I light a match. It all moves by itself. Like a movie. It's all a movie... And I wonder... would the fire burn if I touched it? Will my skin blister and peel? Would it hurt? Could it hurt more than... you?

Red looks at me. Tears brim her eyes.

Like my tears that night. Do you still remember them? When you made me cry like a fucking pussy. Sometimes I don't feel myself around you. You turn me into someone else.

"Buffy."

It takes a while to register what she says. But when it does... it feels like the world just stopped moving. And everything turns into ice. "What did you say?"

"It's about Buffy."

She can't know this.

"It's always been about Buffy."

I flinch. "Shut up."

"I'm leaving." Red squares her shoulders, and she stands tall. It lasts a split second before the entire facade crumbles to nothing again. Her head turns to the side. I can't tell if she's just looking off into space or avoiding my eyes. "I don't know what brings me back, but I've stayed even when I should've gone. I'm turning into someone that's not me, and someone that's more like you."

B. Golden hair. Sunny smiles. Endless lengths of smooth, tanned skin... Deep hazel eyes. Tortured, pained, unhappy. Ashes fall on the sheets.

I can't stop thinking about you.

The door slams shut. Red left.

The lighted cigarette is lifted up to my lips, and a bitter warmth seeps in. It reminds me of us. And I don't care that Red is gone. And I don't know how, but maybe...

She loves me.

I'm still winning.

Aren't I?