I've been doing a lot of talkin' lately. Talkin' to doctors and nurses.
I've tried to learn everything I can about Bosco's condition. What I'm
really trying to figure out is when he'll get his memory back. .if he ever
gets it back. I have my doubts but I think that's just a side of me that
trying not to get my hopes up...you know, just in case.
What I've learned is complex and confusing. It doesn't make any sense that he can remember things like colors. They put three colors in front of him and he knows which one is red...which one is blue...and which one is green. But, he doesn't know that his car is blue. He knows what a police officer does...sort of...he just doesn't remember being a police officer.
I visit him as much as I can. A lot of people do including some of the neighbors from where his mom lived. A lot of them have lived there for what seems like forever. Some of the people from the 55th visit him too. Sully and Ty see him almost every day. I've noticed that it's always the two of them. Until yesterday that is. Ty visits him sometimes by himself but I know that Sully never has. I'd question him about it but I think he'd make up some sort of story. Truth is, I think he really misses old Bosco...the guy who'd given him a hard time for years...has been a thorn in his side...and the same guy who went out of his way to help Sully when he was drinking too much. I doubt he'd admit it but I really do think he misses Bosco. It's not just Bosco who's changed. I haven't seen Sully with a Krispy Kreme since the shooting. Not that he's been able to work 'cause he's still recovering as well but I overheard Ty offering to bring him some and he turned him down. Something just changes in Sully whenever Bosco's name comes up.
I think a lot of people are having trouble with this. I include Lieu in that as well as Stick. I don't think Stick has been to Mercy since the day Bosco got shot. I can understand that I guess. At least he asks about him whenever I go to work. The last few days I've been riding with Ty. We talk about Bosco sometimes but then other times we ride in silence for what seems like hours.
There's been some discussion about Bosco being released soon...like in the next couple days. The discussion amounts to the fact that there are a lot of questions. Questions about where he'll live. I guess they're concerned with how well he'll do on his own. His memory is so sporadic that the doctors and nurses are trying to piece together what he remembers and what he doesn't. For instance, what if he leaves wherever he's living...will he remember how to get back home or even where home is? Does he remember how to cook for himself? The whole issue of driving is a big question. I did show him a picture of his car I got from his apartment. I was amazed at how many pictures he has of that car. At least he knows what his car looks like...that it's blue...should he be allowed to drive.
Then there's the subject of money. From what I understand, he is clear on what a dollar is versus a ten dollar bill. He can understand that if you spend $5.47 and you have a ten dollar bill, you get $4.53 back. He's a little unclear when it comes to prices though. To go for breakfast at the corner diner, he could easily be charged twenty or thirty bucks for breakfast and that's assuming he has a normal breakfast like bacon and eggs with toast and coffee.
The issue of his job is a big question too. Physically he'll be able to do the job of a police officer. His arm is healing fine and the gunshot to his lung area is healing too. He'd be able to do the job; he just can't remember what it is he's supposed to do. So, the question is, should he have to re-attend the academy as if he'd never been a cop. Technically he wasn't on duty at the time of the shooting but then after that car crashed through the funeral home, he did assume the role of an on-duty cop by securing the situation...preventing that guy from detonating a bomb. One could argue that he was injured in the line of duty while it could also be argued the other way around. So far, the department has treated it as if he were injured in the line of duty...the on-duty 24/7 theory. The big question is does he even want to be a cop?
So many questions, so few answers...
The few times I've visited him since I told him about his family, he's avoided the topic. Mary's noticed a change in him too but nothing compares to the change in him I saw the next time I visited him in the hospital.
When I got there, he was out of bed, standing in front of a window. It was the first time I'd actually seen him out of bed. I'd heard that he'd been getting up and walking around, I'd just never been there when he had. So, it was a nice surprise to see him standing. I guess this must be something like when he saw me in that diner...the night we talked about me coming back to work.
Anyway, I was happy to see him up but that happiness soon disappeared. I'd spoke with Mary earlier and she'd told me that he wasn't in a good mood. I had no idea just how bad a mood he was in.
He turns around and I see a cross between anger and pain in his eyes. As I look deeper, I see what's there...pain. My first thought is that he remembers something but it's not so much about remembering but more about what he's feeling.
"Bosco?"
"The truth...I wanna hear the truth."
"Okay," I reply, thinking it might be best if I listen rather than defend myself. It's obvious from the look on his face and the way he demands the truth.
"This is how it's going to go," he continues, not allowing me to say a word. "I have questions...I want answers. Not the answers I've been getting cause I think there's more to it than what I've been told and I think you know exactly what I mean."
"Fine."
"Fine? So is that a yes or a no 'cause if you aren't going to tell me the truth, then you can leave now. But, what I understand is that you were my best friend so I'm hoping you'll be honest with me."
I didn't say a word, but I pulled up a chair and took a seat. I figured that was my answer.
"My brother...Mikey...he died cause of me..."
I looked at him...for a second I thought he might have remembered something. But then, his earlier thoughts entered my brain. 'I wanna hear the truth.'
"And my mother...Angela Rose....she died cause of me too..."
I slumped back into the chair, thinking maybe it was best to let him have his say and then somehow...somehow try to explain all of this to him.
"And you...you almost died because of me. And you're married or at least you were until I screw that up too."
"That's not your fault Bosco."
"It's not my fault? It's not my fault you got shot last year? I created a mess of my own life and then dragged you into it so that you could get shot? How is that not my fault?"
"Bosco, you had no idea what was going to happen in that hotel room. Had you had any idea that there would be shooting, you wouldn't have involved me. And you didn't drag me into that. I went on my own."
"But you got shot though right? And you were paralyzed for a while...and then you went back to work and now your husband is gone?"
"My husband...soon to be ex-husband is an alcoholic ass who slept with another woman while I was paralyzed. Had he not left, I would have kicked his ass to the curb."
"I didn't help my brother...he got killed...butchered and left in a trash can all 'cause I didn't help him. And my mother, she got hit by a car because of me...cause someone wanted me dead?"
"He wanted us all dead Bosco, not just you. He wanted everyone involved in the death of his son to be dead."
"So then I went to work only to screw up big with some Sgt somebody and then almost got you killed and my mother and brother were killed because of some guy's son got killed? It's no wonder my father isn't around...that he doesn't want anything to do with me...who could blame him?"
"Your father is an ass and the fact that he's not around is proof of that."
"How can you say that after everything I did?"
"Because I know you. Unfortunately I know you a lot better than your father which isn't how it should be. Now you wanna tell me who's been filling your head with all this?"
"Filling my head? With what? The truth?"
"Okay so some of it was true...Mikey did die in a horrific way and yes your mother did get hit by a car but that was like I said. This guy who was behind it hurt a lot of people. He'd destroyed lives long before you or me crossed paths with him. Narcotics had been trying to catch up to him before his son tried to run for it."
"What happened with his son?"
"We found out where he hung around and we'd gone there to try to find him. He got out the back door but we were able to follow him. We were following him when he got close to a school crossing. He got cut off and swerved, sliding under a semi. He was decapitated."
"So he had Mikey killed the same way....so Mikey dying was my fault."
"Bosco, this guy Mann was involved in drugs. Some of the names Mikey gave the police were tied in with him. Mikey was trying to do the right thing. Mann's people got wind of it and he was killed for that."
"You honestly believe that?"
"Yeah, I do. Bosco, you tried to talk to Mikey...several times. He warned him that he was going to have a price on his head if he did what he was going to do. He didn't want to go to jail again. He'd done that before and he wanted to find a way out of it. Turning into a witness for the state was what he decided."
"Again? You said he didn't want to go to jail again. So this wasn't the first time?"
"No, he'd been arrested for drugs before. That time before, it was you and me who brought him in."
"I arrested my own brother?"
"Yeah, we arrested him. I knew it wasn't such a great idea and your ma, she wasn't too happy with it either but truth is, what he did was wrong...dealing in drugs. What Mikey did was wrong and you thought that he didn't deserve any breaks just 'cause he was your brother. You were a good cop Bosco."
"That's not what I hear."
"I don't understand," I replied, trying to figure out what would give Bosco that idea. "Where did you hear this? Who told you all this?"
"I had a visitor today."
"A visitor? Who?"
"He said his name was Fred."
"Fred? Fred came to see you? My soon to be asshole ex-husband Fred?"
He didn't reply but the look on his face was that of confusion.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry Bosco," I replied, trying to find a way to undo some of my obvious one-sided feelings. "It's just that you and Fred....these last couple years, you've been at odds and that bothered me cause you were both important in my life. As far as my marriage is concerned, the biggest problem was my being a cop period. Being a cop is dangerous work. I wont fault him that but it's always been dangerous. Besides, do you have any idea why I went to the police academy in the first place? Fred probably didn't tell you that but I will. I went to the academy because I needed a job...not just any job but one that would allow me to take care of my family without my husband. Fred was and will always be an alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I didn't want my kids to grow up the same way I did."
"Your kids? You have two?"
"Yeah I have two...Emily's going to be sixteen pretty soon and Charlie is twelve."
"Emily...Charlie?"
"Yeah...they used to call you Uncle B...Charlie still does. I think Emily's outgrown the Uncle stuff."
"So all this...everything you've told me...is it the truth...or are you still leaving things out?"
"Bosco...about all that. I know I wasn't completely honest with you before. I wanted to tell you everything about your past but you'd just had surgery...major surgery. You were lucky to be alive. I didn't want to drop too much on you so soon after surgery."
He nodded his head, still not looking me in the eye.
"Bosco...I promise you," I started to say before pausing.
"What?" Bosco interrupted after I hadn't continued for a moment. "You started to say something."
"It's just that what happened between us as friends and as partners...we weren't honest with one another. You think I would've learned?"
"Twelve years is a long time," Bosco said. "But we got past all that right? I mean from what I understand, we were partners again. That's what Fred said...that you wanted to partner up with me again. He said that was the last straw."
"Well, part of that is true. I did insist on being your partner again but that was because we had worked together for so long. I trusted you. I don't know how much you understand about our job but your partner can be the difference between life and death. The day you were shot...when all the shooting started...you pushed me to the ground. That's how you ended up getting shot. You were trying to protect me."
"So the day I got shot...I understand that several people were killed including one who was in that room with us. According to Fred, the fact that she didn't make it was a blessing of some sort? I didn't understand what he was talking about but I think he really hated her...that you didn't like her either?"
"He was talking about Sgt Cruz. No, she wasn't my favorite person. She was probably right up there on my life of my least favorite people. Beyond that, I think that discussion will have to wait for another day. I gotta get to work. I promise you though, next time, we'll talk about this Sgt. Cruz."
I left the hospital that afternoon with mixed emotions. I was pissed off at Fred for what he'd told Bosco. I know Bosco deserved to know the truth about his life, but I really didn't want to dump all of it in his lap so soon. He was going through enough without all the added burden of feeling guilty which is exactly what Fred had made it out to be. As usual, Bosco was the bad guy in all of this and Fred went riding off on his high horse, acting as if his own actions were deserving of sainthood. The truth is, finding God had become a joke. Fred may have found God but he'd lost him just as quick as he'd found him. I'm not a church-going Christian. I can't think of the last time I was in a church but I seriously think God saw Fred's adultery role as the big, fat sin that it was.
But, Fred was out of my life at least as much as I could control for the time being. As for Bosco, he was still at a loss as far as his past goes. But, I knew once he got out of the hospital, I was going to do everything I could to help him remember his life. Fifteen years with Fred had been nothing more than a waste of my time. The twelve years with Bosco were somewhat of a blank slate but that was something that I could change...one day at a time.
What I've learned is complex and confusing. It doesn't make any sense that he can remember things like colors. They put three colors in front of him and he knows which one is red...which one is blue...and which one is green. But, he doesn't know that his car is blue. He knows what a police officer does...sort of...he just doesn't remember being a police officer.
I visit him as much as I can. A lot of people do including some of the neighbors from where his mom lived. A lot of them have lived there for what seems like forever. Some of the people from the 55th visit him too. Sully and Ty see him almost every day. I've noticed that it's always the two of them. Until yesterday that is. Ty visits him sometimes by himself but I know that Sully never has. I'd question him about it but I think he'd make up some sort of story. Truth is, I think he really misses old Bosco...the guy who'd given him a hard time for years...has been a thorn in his side...and the same guy who went out of his way to help Sully when he was drinking too much. I doubt he'd admit it but I really do think he misses Bosco. It's not just Bosco who's changed. I haven't seen Sully with a Krispy Kreme since the shooting. Not that he's been able to work 'cause he's still recovering as well but I overheard Ty offering to bring him some and he turned him down. Something just changes in Sully whenever Bosco's name comes up.
I think a lot of people are having trouble with this. I include Lieu in that as well as Stick. I don't think Stick has been to Mercy since the day Bosco got shot. I can understand that I guess. At least he asks about him whenever I go to work. The last few days I've been riding with Ty. We talk about Bosco sometimes but then other times we ride in silence for what seems like hours.
There's been some discussion about Bosco being released soon...like in the next couple days. The discussion amounts to the fact that there are a lot of questions. Questions about where he'll live. I guess they're concerned with how well he'll do on his own. His memory is so sporadic that the doctors and nurses are trying to piece together what he remembers and what he doesn't. For instance, what if he leaves wherever he's living...will he remember how to get back home or even where home is? Does he remember how to cook for himself? The whole issue of driving is a big question. I did show him a picture of his car I got from his apartment. I was amazed at how many pictures he has of that car. At least he knows what his car looks like...that it's blue...should he be allowed to drive.
Then there's the subject of money. From what I understand, he is clear on what a dollar is versus a ten dollar bill. He can understand that if you spend $5.47 and you have a ten dollar bill, you get $4.53 back. He's a little unclear when it comes to prices though. To go for breakfast at the corner diner, he could easily be charged twenty or thirty bucks for breakfast and that's assuming he has a normal breakfast like bacon and eggs with toast and coffee.
The issue of his job is a big question too. Physically he'll be able to do the job of a police officer. His arm is healing fine and the gunshot to his lung area is healing too. He'd be able to do the job; he just can't remember what it is he's supposed to do. So, the question is, should he have to re-attend the academy as if he'd never been a cop. Technically he wasn't on duty at the time of the shooting but then after that car crashed through the funeral home, he did assume the role of an on-duty cop by securing the situation...preventing that guy from detonating a bomb. One could argue that he was injured in the line of duty while it could also be argued the other way around. So far, the department has treated it as if he were injured in the line of duty...the on-duty 24/7 theory. The big question is does he even want to be a cop?
So many questions, so few answers...
The few times I've visited him since I told him about his family, he's avoided the topic. Mary's noticed a change in him too but nothing compares to the change in him I saw the next time I visited him in the hospital.
When I got there, he was out of bed, standing in front of a window. It was the first time I'd actually seen him out of bed. I'd heard that he'd been getting up and walking around, I'd just never been there when he had. So, it was a nice surprise to see him standing. I guess this must be something like when he saw me in that diner...the night we talked about me coming back to work.
Anyway, I was happy to see him up but that happiness soon disappeared. I'd spoke with Mary earlier and she'd told me that he wasn't in a good mood. I had no idea just how bad a mood he was in.
He turns around and I see a cross between anger and pain in his eyes. As I look deeper, I see what's there...pain. My first thought is that he remembers something but it's not so much about remembering but more about what he's feeling.
"Bosco?"
"The truth...I wanna hear the truth."
"Okay," I reply, thinking it might be best if I listen rather than defend myself. It's obvious from the look on his face and the way he demands the truth.
"This is how it's going to go," he continues, not allowing me to say a word. "I have questions...I want answers. Not the answers I've been getting cause I think there's more to it than what I've been told and I think you know exactly what I mean."
"Fine."
"Fine? So is that a yes or a no 'cause if you aren't going to tell me the truth, then you can leave now. But, what I understand is that you were my best friend so I'm hoping you'll be honest with me."
I didn't say a word, but I pulled up a chair and took a seat. I figured that was my answer.
"My brother...Mikey...he died cause of me..."
I looked at him...for a second I thought he might have remembered something. But then, his earlier thoughts entered my brain. 'I wanna hear the truth.'
"And my mother...Angela Rose....she died cause of me too..."
I slumped back into the chair, thinking maybe it was best to let him have his say and then somehow...somehow try to explain all of this to him.
"And you...you almost died because of me. And you're married or at least you were until I screw that up too."
"That's not your fault Bosco."
"It's not my fault? It's not my fault you got shot last year? I created a mess of my own life and then dragged you into it so that you could get shot? How is that not my fault?"
"Bosco, you had no idea what was going to happen in that hotel room. Had you had any idea that there would be shooting, you wouldn't have involved me. And you didn't drag me into that. I went on my own."
"But you got shot though right? And you were paralyzed for a while...and then you went back to work and now your husband is gone?"
"My husband...soon to be ex-husband is an alcoholic ass who slept with another woman while I was paralyzed. Had he not left, I would have kicked his ass to the curb."
"I didn't help my brother...he got killed...butchered and left in a trash can all 'cause I didn't help him. And my mother, she got hit by a car because of me...cause someone wanted me dead?"
"He wanted us all dead Bosco, not just you. He wanted everyone involved in the death of his son to be dead."
"So then I went to work only to screw up big with some Sgt somebody and then almost got you killed and my mother and brother were killed because of some guy's son got killed? It's no wonder my father isn't around...that he doesn't want anything to do with me...who could blame him?"
"Your father is an ass and the fact that he's not around is proof of that."
"How can you say that after everything I did?"
"Because I know you. Unfortunately I know you a lot better than your father which isn't how it should be. Now you wanna tell me who's been filling your head with all this?"
"Filling my head? With what? The truth?"
"Okay so some of it was true...Mikey did die in a horrific way and yes your mother did get hit by a car but that was like I said. This guy who was behind it hurt a lot of people. He'd destroyed lives long before you or me crossed paths with him. Narcotics had been trying to catch up to him before his son tried to run for it."
"What happened with his son?"
"We found out where he hung around and we'd gone there to try to find him. He got out the back door but we were able to follow him. We were following him when he got close to a school crossing. He got cut off and swerved, sliding under a semi. He was decapitated."
"So he had Mikey killed the same way....so Mikey dying was my fault."
"Bosco, this guy Mann was involved in drugs. Some of the names Mikey gave the police were tied in with him. Mikey was trying to do the right thing. Mann's people got wind of it and he was killed for that."
"You honestly believe that?"
"Yeah, I do. Bosco, you tried to talk to Mikey...several times. He warned him that he was going to have a price on his head if he did what he was going to do. He didn't want to go to jail again. He'd done that before and he wanted to find a way out of it. Turning into a witness for the state was what he decided."
"Again? You said he didn't want to go to jail again. So this wasn't the first time?"
"No, he'd been arrested for drugs before. That time before, it was you and me who brought him in."
"I arrested my own brother?"
"Yeah, we arrested him. I knew it wasn't such a great idea and your ma, she wasn't too happy with it either but truth is, what he did was wrong...dealing in drugs. What Mikey did was wrong and you thought that he didn't deserve any breaks just 'cause he was your brother. You were a good cop Bosco."
"That's not what I hear."
"I don't understand," I replied, trying to figure out what would give Bosco that idea. "Where did you hear this? Who told you all this?"
"I had a visitor today."
"A visitor? Who?"
"He said his name was Fred."
"Fred? Fred came to see you? My soon to be asshole ex-husband Fred?"
He didn't reply but the look on his face was that of confusion.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry Bosco," I replied, trying to find a way to undo some of my obvious one-sided feelings. "It's just that you and Fred....these last couple years, you've been at odds and that bothered me cause you were both important in my life. As far as my marriage is concerned, the biggest problem was my being a cop period. Being a cop is dangerous work. I wont fault him that but it's always been dangerous. Besides, do you have any idea why I went to the police academy in the first place? Fred probably didn't tell you that but I will. I went to the academy because I needed a job...not just any job but one that would allow me to take care of my family without my husband. Fred was and will always be an alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I didn't want my kids to grow up the same way I did."
"Your kids? You have two?"
"Yeah I have two...Emily's going to be sixteen pretty soon and Charlie is twelve."
"Emily...Charlie?"
"Yeah...they used to call you Uncle B...Charlie still does. I think Emily's outgrown the Uncle stuff."
"So all this...everything you've told me...is it the truth...or are you still leaving things out?"
"Bosco...about all that. I know I wasn't completely honest with you before. I wanted to tell you everything about your past but you'd just had surgery...major surgery. You were lucky to be alive. I didn't want to drop too much on you so soon after surgery."
He nodded his head, still not looking me in the eye.
"Bosco...I promise you," I started to say before pausing.
"What?" Bosco interrupted after I hadn't continued for a moment. "You started to say something."
"It's just that what happened between us as friends and as partners...we weren't honest with one another. You think I would've learned?"
"Twelve years is a long time," Bosco said. "But we got past all that right? I mean from what I understand, we were partners again. That's what Fred said...that you wanted to partner up with me again. He said that was the last straw."
"Well, part of that is true. I did insist on being your partner again but that was because we had worked together for so long. I trusted you. I don't know how much you understand about our job but your partner can be the difference between life and death. The day you were shot...when all the shooting started...you pushed me to the ground. That's how you ended up getting shot. You were trying to protect me."
"So the day I got shot...I understand that several people were killed including one who was in that room with us. According to Fred, the fact that she didn't make it was a blessing of some sort? I didn't understand what he was talking about but I think he really hated her...that you didn't like her either?"
"He was talking about Sgt Cruz. No, she wasn't my favorite person. She was probably right up there on my life of my least favorite people. Beyond that, I think that discussion will have to wait for another day. I gotta get to work. I promise you though, next time, we'll talk about this Sgt. Cruz."
I left the hospital that afternoon with mixed emotions. I was pissed off at Fred for what he'd told Bosco. I know Bosco deserved to know the truth about his life, but I really didn't want to dump all of it in his lap so soon. He was going through enough without all the added burden of feeling guilty which is exactly what Fred had made it out to be. As usual, Bosco was the bad guy in all of this and Fred went riding off on his high horse, acting as if his own actions were deserving of sainthood. The truth is, finding God had become a joke. Fred may have found God but he'd lost him just as quick as he'd found him. I'm not a church-going Christian. I can't think of the last time I was in a church but I seriously think God saw Fred's adultery role as the big, fat sin that it was.
But, Fred was out of my life at least as much as I could control for the time being. As for Bosco, he was still at a loss as far as his past goes. But, I knew once he got out of the hospital, I was going to do everything I could to help him remember his life. Fifteen years with Fred had been nothing more than a waste of my time. The twelve years with Bosco were somewhat of a blank slate but that was something that I could change...one day at a time.