Part 16: What is Sorrow?
I am a new person now; days have passed since Jessica's death. I do not feel grief anymore, what is sorrow? The guys still think she's alive and they can't wait to call her. I've been sitting on my bed for at least an hour now; alone. But I don't care if I lie to them, it's their loss not mine! Fortunately for me mom and dad haven't seen the 'need' for me to go to a psychiatrist. But they could make me very easily, but what do I care?
I set the diary on the edge of my bed and softly placed the blankets over it. They'd sit there for a good long while, and I have no real need to hide it. Mom and dad don't go prodding around my room now; they've started respecting my privacy more. I enjoy the little things I've gained since Jesse died, I'm not sad anymore.
"Lily..." My mom walks in.
"Hey mom." I reply not bothering to look up from this ink stain I suddenly managed to find on the wall.
"You can't hate your father and I forever." My mom sighed.
"What's stopping me?" I ask, and suddenly seeing the hurt expression on her face I change my attitude. "I'm kidding, I don't hate you. I couldn't possible hate you...you're my mom...I grew up knowing you. There was nothing we could have done."
My mom opened her mouth as if to disagree with my comments, but I put my hand in the air to stop her.
"Even if you'd told me about her sooner, there's nothing we could have done. It was a simple matter of fate, as Travis would say it has nothing to do with your karma, my karma, dad's karma, or anyone else's karma." I smiled to her, and she left silently.
I returned my gaze to the same expressionless one I'd held so dearly for so long. No one could see past it, and if someone asked me how I felt I simply said "fine" or "happy"; and that usually satisfied them. I felt like a mighty turtle tucked inside my protective shell; I need not grieve. I need not cry. I do the normal things I always did, usually involving my guitar. But I avoided playing sad songs, and played songs full of joy. If I didn't play happy songs...if even one lyric were a grief filled cry for help, who knows what they'd do. I banish a frown that I find suddenly invading my face, and turn into a lie. An undetectable lye that constantly follows me; unnoticed by my many friends and family. Unnoticed by me. You see I've trained my mouth to curve into a smile in any situation, and if people are suspicious I simply replace my smile with an expressionless gaze like a trance. I've fooled everyone. I've fooled myself. I've...
Lily woke up panting. She stared at the clock, and realized that she'd had a nightmare. She looked at the calendar. Everything had happened, as it seemed; she had a twin sister, a dead twin sister. It was only 5:30, but she pulled on a long sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans feeling a sudden urge to visit the warehouse. Travis would probably be there, he usually spent his nights trying to sleep in the shadows of his technology-filled booth.
"Hey Trav." She called into the darkness, and heard a soft thud.
"Ouch." Said a voice, but it WAS NOT Travis.
"Robbie?" Lily asked.
"No actually we're all here, you just startled me." He rubbed a bump on his head. "We weren't asleep anyway."
"Why are you here, Lily?" Ray asked.
"My instincts drew me here." Lily replied with a laugh.
"So you're a bird?" Ray asked, and Lily walked into the darkness and punched his figure.
"What's going on, and why wasn't I invited?" Lily asked, sounding genuinely hurt.
"You know what is going on," Travis said mysteriously. "You just don't know it yet."
"Hey Swami wasn't that redundant?" Ray asked.
"Ray," Travis said.
"Yeah?" Ray asked.
"Don't call me Swami." Travis replied.
"Right..." Ray returned.
I am a new person now; days have passed since Jessica's death. I do not feel grief anymore, what is sorrow? The guys still think she's alive and they can't wait to call her. I've been sitting on my bed for at least an hour now; alone. But I don't care if I lie to them, it's their loss not mine! Fortunately for me mom and dad haven't seen the 'need' for me to go to a psychiatrist. But they could make me very easily, but what do I care?
I set the diary on the edge of my bed and softly placed the blankets over it. They'd sit there for a good long while, and I have no real need to hide it. Mom and dad don't go prodding around my room now; they've started respecting my privacy more. I enjoy the little things I've gained since Jesse died, I'm not sad anymore.
"Lily..." My mom walks in.
"Hey mom." I reply not bothering to look up from this ink stain I suddenly managed to find on the wall.
"You can't hate your father and I forever." My mom sighed.
"What's stopping me?" I ask, and suddenly seeing the hurt expression on her face I change my attitude. "I'm kidding, I don't hate you. I couldn't possible hate you...you're my mom...I grew up knowing you. There was nothing we could have done."
My mom opened her mouth as if to disagree with my comments, but I put my hand in the air to stop her.
"Even if you'd told me about her sooner, there's nothing we could have done. It was a simple matter of fate, as Travis would say it has nothing to do with your karma, my karma, dad's karma, or anyone else's karma." I smiled to her, and she left silently.
I returned my gaze to the same expressionless one I'd held so dearly for so long. No one could see past it, and if someone asked me how I felt I simply said "fine" or "happy"; and that usually satisfied them. I felt like a mighty turtle tucked inside my protective shell; I need not grieve. I need not cry. I do the normal things I always did, usually involving my guitar. But I avoided playing sad songs, and played songs full of joy. If I didn't play happy songs...if even one lyric were a grief filled cry for help, who knows what they'd do. I banish a frown that I find suddenly invading my face, and turn into a lie. An undetectable lye that constantly follows me; unnoticed by my many friends and family. Unnoticed by me. You see I've trained my mouth to curve into a smile in any situation, and if people are suspicious I simply replace my smile with an expressionless gaze like a trance. I've fooled everyone. I've fooled myself. I've...
Lily woke up panting. She stared at the clock, and realized that she'd had a nightmare. She looked at the calendar. Everything had happened, as it seemed; she had a twin sister, a dead twin sister. It was only 5:30, but she pulled on a long sleeved shirt and a pair of jeans feeling a sudden urge to visit the warehouse. Travis would probably be there, he usually spent his nights trying to sleep in the shadows of his technology-filled booth.
"Hey Trav." She called into the darkness, and heard a soft thud.
"Ouch." Said a voice, but it WAS NOT Travis.
"Robbie?" Lily asked.
"No actually we're all here, you just startled me." He rubbed a bump on his head. "We weren't asleep anyway."
"Why are you here, Lily?" Ray asked.
"My instincts drew me here." Lily replied with a laugh.
"So you're a bird?" Ray asked, and Lily walked into the darkness and punched his figure.
"What's going on, and why wasn't I invited?" Lily asked, sounding genuinely hurt.
"You know what is going on," Travis said mysteriously. "You just don't know it yet."
"Hey Swami wasn't that redundant?" Ray asked.
"Ray," Travis said.
"Yeah?" Ray asked.
"Don't call me Swami." Travis replied.
"Right..." Ray returned.