Within Holy Walls
A Final Fantasy Tactics fanfic
By Tenshi no Ai
I don't own the characters and locations in the game that are presented in this work, Square-Enix does.
Chapter 17: In My Heart (Chantage Melody)
I'm afraid.
I couldn't sleep last night knowing this.
The choices I make are always wrong.
Lying on my bed in the partially undone dress I had eagerly made with my own hands, staring blankly at the bland white ceiling lined with cracks, this is the only thing I can think of. The only thing that makes sense right now.
It's always me.
If he hadn't told me that he loved me at that crucial moment, I definitely would've given myself to him. That wouldn't have been a bad thing. Having him next to me right now sounds a lot better than numbly staring at my ceiling.
But he deserves all of me, not just a substitution of the words he says so easily.
I used to want to be on Beowulf's level. Last night showed that...I'm nowhere near it.
I want to tell him that I love him, but I don't even know...are those true words? Even if they are, after last night...
--I think you're a lot braver than me--
I wonder if he really even knows me at all if he can say something like that.
The sun's shining through my window. It looks like another beautiful summer day, the last day of July...but I think I'll just stay and work for the entire day.
It's too bright for me.
-----
During the Essol period (340-570), it was expected that all the females in the priest's immediate family, after reaching a certain age of about twelve or thirteen, would work full-time in the church as healers to any traveler that needed assistance. This was due to the belief that women, like Saint Ajora's own mother, were closer to the core of the essence of magic and therefore were more competent at the magical arts. Thus the first white mage' societies were born at this time, the requisite white cloaks derived from the prayer robes these women wore while within the church. That's not to say that white mages hadn't existed prior to this time, but only that...
A low rumble gurgles through my stomach and I lower my pen. I'm so hungry but I don't want to leave...
Good afternoon, Reis, I hear Verden's voice and his footsteps as he approaches me, what are you still doing here? It's lunchtime, is it not?
Watching him as he takes his regular seat across from me, I find that I'm not really as wary of him as I was when he tried to defame Peppermint to me. He can say what he wants, but I know the truth about Peppermint...about Beowulf. Good afternoon, Verden, I can't even attempt a smile, I just want to finish my work as quickly as possible.
A small frown appears, distorting his serene mask. Oh? Not at the expense of your own health, I hope.
Would it really matter? Don't worry about me, please.
I can't help it... he stares at me strangely. What's that look for? Reis? What's that mark on your neck?
...Mark? Why would I have a mark on my neck...
--Reis...I love you...--
Oh, no.
What to say, what to say...I don't even know what it looks like, so, um... It must be a bug bite.
He gives me an incredulous look. From what I can see, it looks a bit like a bruise.
...Well, if nothing else, my hair seems to be hiding most of this bruise'. I look straight into Verden's eyes. Then, it must be a bruise that I've forgotten about until now, although I murmur these words calmly, he doesn't look convinced. I can't say that I blame him.
It's hard to be vague about a physical feature that wasn't there yesterday.
Then, if you don't mind me asking, where did you acquire such an odd-looking bruise since I last saw you yesterday and today? He steeples his hands. I can't help but notice how nicely trimmed his fingernails are.
I wish I could distract him as easily as I can distract myself.
That question...there's only one way out of this. Yes, I mind you asking me that question, Verden, keeping my face pleasantly blank is so hard in this case...
Oh, alright then, light blue eyes widen just a bit at my words. I think I've surprised him, forgive my intrusion into your privacy, then.
...That was easier than I thought it would be. It's okay, I smile slightly and he seems to visibly relax, giving me a little smile in return, thank you for your concern.
My stomach rumbles again, and Verden stands up from his seat. If you don't wish to leave, then you won't mind if I bring you something to eat instead?
I look down at the tome in front of me, that would be more than welcome. Thank you, Verden.
I can feel his eyes on me, then he walks past me towards the door. Just under his breath, I can hear him whisper something that makes me narrow my eyes.
I would always endeavor to help an angel...
-----
Sunday finds me in the library after the morning sermon. As usual I sat in the front pew; more unusual were my glances back, hoping that maybe Beowulf had attended as well. While I did see at least one man who I remembered as being a knight, there was no sign of Beowulf. I knew it was a futile search
--Church? Ah...I've never attended. Not in Lesalia, not in Bervenia...I usually just schedule myself for the morning shift on Sundays just so Buremonda won't bother me about my not attending church too--
but I still couldn't help but try.
I was hoping that maybe he wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him. Just a glance to see how he's doing, a smile to let me know that I didn't completely ruin our relationship...
Other than that, though...I still don't know what to tell him.
I can't bring myself to go over to the barracks...I just...
That's scary.
So here I am in the library, pretending to read through this book, which I've noticed ends at around two hundred years ago and is written in a style that is technically not ancient Ivalician but a variation of the modern speech that we use now. I wonder if Verden made a mistake giving me this tome?
Not like it really matters.
I...maybe I should go over to the barracks. Yes. At least just to talk to Chiroseau and ask him about Beowulf's well-being. That and advice. And...and if Beowulf's there, I'll talk to him. I'll tell him why I pushed him away that night.
I pushed you away because I was afraid of hurting your feelings even more than I might've already.'
I pushed you away because I can't show you how I feel anymore than I can tell you.'
I pushed you away because I don't know if I love you like you love me.'
I close my eyes.
I pushed you away.'
I have a feeling that...he's used to that. More than a feeling...it's the truth. No matter how kind and forgiving he may be, it's like...it's like I'm throwing back into his face all the kindness and affection he's shown me, not giving him the love he deserves. Just like that woman...his mother...
No.
I don't want to be compared to a woman like that!
Crossing my arms on the table, I lay my head on them and stare at the tables on the other side of the hallway that runs straight through the center of the library.
If I don't want to be compared to a woman like that, then I shouldn't act like that in the first place. Shoving away without reason, running away...I can only imagine what kind of message that had sent to him.
I just wanted to get away from my thoughts at that moment.
God! Whenever something happens to me emotionally, I always run! Now look what it's gotten me into...
What I've gotten myself into.
Beowulf...I'm so sorry that you have to put up with someone like me...after this, I can't blame you if you don't want to...
If I go and see him now while I'm all wound up like this, it would probably just make matters worse. Just a little more time...
Footsteps enter the library and I hastily sit up straight. These are lighter footsteps than Beowulf's, so they're probably Verden's. That's probably just as well, I could use some friendly--well, towards me--company.
I look up as Verden walks past me, but he stops at the head of the table instead of going around to his usual seat. His face is drawn tightly, with pursed lips and eyes streamed with something that isn't tranquil. I glance down to his hands, which have something blue and gold in them...
No...that isn't...
I've heard something very interesting while talking to some of the parishioners after my sermon, he starts, his voice sounding deeper than usual, these particular people were nobles who had attended the ball this last Friday. Some of them were remarking upon two mysterious women at the ball, one of them being the daughter of the ambassador from the Eastern Lands, another being a woman from Limberry. Or, at least, according to one man, she sounded as if she were from Limberry.
No...no...
A woman with golden hair past her shoulders and light brown eyes, she wore an exquisite white dress with Holy Knight add-ons. An extremely beautiful woman, by all accounts. Her date was Sir Beowulf Kadmus, he pauses, staring at me in such a way...it feels like an invasion... I was surprised, to say the least.
...I have no excuses, no evasive little words...nothing...
I was amazed to hear that there is another woman out there who could possibly even match your description and yet not be you.
...?
What?
He clears his throat and I start at the rough noise. After all, I know that you would not disobey a law of any sort, you are too pure-hearted for that... his voice softens at the last few words, I just thought you would be interested to know that.
There's something wrong with this...
Placing my collar onto the table, he smiles a bit tightly. One of the white mages found this outside your door and I figured that it was for one of those interesting outfits of yours, he pauses, his face going back to its normal serenity, to think, another woman with an appearance just like yours. Although, I would say that her morals are suspect.
Those are my morals you're referring to, Verden. Why would you say that?
Or rather, she was not informed about her date's morals, what's that supposed to mean? if it weren't for the dubious amount of protection they afford to us, as well as Examiner Draclau's misplaced affection for them, those knights would've been run off out of Lionel a long time ago. They have no regard for the higher moral standard that the Church requires. It's a shame, he looks at me. For one blistering second, I want to glare back, do be careful, Reis. As a cataloger from Murond, I hold you to the highest moral standard.
Out of gritted teeth, I try to form a response. Thank you for your consideration.
It is only yourself you have to thank. Like I once said, to my eyes you are a queen of angels, he closes his eyes, but even angels have fallen, as Saint Ajora has told us. Anyway, I have some work to attend to. I hope to see you soon, Reis.
I'll hope for the opposite. Goodbye, Verden.
Silently he pads away and out of the library. Good. I look at my crumbled collar sitting innocently next to me.
He knew. I saw it in his demeanor. He knew.
What is he doing this for?
A queen among angels', hm?
--Because...you're real. You're not an impassive, serene angel--
This angel' fell a long time ago.
--You're realistic, and you're empathic, and you're...alive--
Don't shove me into some idealistic image, Verden.
I don't wish to be protected by the likes of you.
-----
I want to go back to Murond.
It's safer there. The priests are kind but not intrusive, the knights are more concerned with training, and the white mages are sweet, innocent girls.
Here in Lionel, the priest is invasive, the knights will stop and cheerfully talk to anyone in their path, and the white mages have definitely deviated from their roots and become women who only care about their own affairs. God only knows how much a normal cataloger would change from Murond to here.
I hardly consider myself normal.
It's been four or so months since I left Murond. When will I be transferred back? I'm not even helping the person from whose orders I was sent here by. And, as far as translations go, I've heard that Orbonne Monastery needs them far more than a tiny library with a glass ceiling.
That loneliness I felt, that willingness to forget all of my memories as Reis Dular of Bariaus Hill, my inability to help myself...they weren't that bad compared to the anger I feel for Verden, the confusion and pain and the different sort of loneliness because of my treatment of Beowulf, and my overall frustration at myself.
Emotions are overrated, I think.
Staring at all these words, the individual letters...nothing makes sense anymore. It's Wednesday, two full days since Verden last stopped by, and I can't translate a single word.
It was easier being a blank slate, frozen in emotional stasis...at least I was competent at my job then.
Here's the library, Alia.
Oh, wow, look at that huge glass pane in the ceiling!
It's not just one pane, it's an entire skylight. It was here before I was.
Wow, I didn't realize that Lionel was so well off compared to Dorter!
This is new. I've never seen anybody other than Verden or Izlude--or his sister, but that shouldn't count--specifically coming into the library for any reason at all. The woman of the two sounds like a pilgrim...a rather loud one at that.
Two sets of footsteps--light female and medium male--enter the library. I hope they leave me alone and leave quickly. Oh, Miss Dular, the male of the two says, sounding friendly. Holding in a sigh--I'm never lucky anymore, it seems--I look up into a serious-looking man's and a happy-looking female's faces. They're a couple, it seems.
It's nice to be a part of something...
That man...he's one of the knights at the door to the castle. Dark-haired...he's the one who greeted me. I also saw him in church...is he Mikner or Riola...?
You may not remember me, but I greeted you at the castle, he smiles, locks of brown hair falling into bright green eyes, my name's Samuel Riola, of the Lionel Holy Knights.
He's very polite. Reis Dular, I bow slightly in my seated position, ...although you already know me...
How is Beowulf doing?
I'm here too, Riola's female companion pokes him in the side, smiling when he winces and blushes. She turns to me, hazel eyes just as bright as his eyes, I'm Alia Mikner, this guy's-- she pokes him again, --fiancé. I just moved here from Dorter a day or so ago. He wanted to pick up a book, she leans towards me, he's really religious.
You don't have to say that like it's a crime, he sounds exasperated, I'll be right back, they share a look before he wanders towards the back of the library.
Ah...why did he leave her here?
Alia smiles at me. I'm going to keep you company, kay? Sammy hates it when I follow him around cause he says all I ever do is complain. Yeah, whatever, she shrugs, long golden hair moving like water as she takes the seat across from me. I've never heard anyone talk like she does, so...isn't it a bit hot to be wearing a long-necked blouse?
My right hand immediately goes up to my neck, touching the mark along the left side of it. It's faded considerably from the last few days into a mere discoloration, but with my skin color it still looks very visible. No, I don't tend to feel hot or cold very often, I suppose that's a good excuse.
she makes a face. I can't help but feel calmed by her presence...she's very different than what I've seen in Lionel. She's a bit like Peppermint... say, I hear you're like super-popular!
...'Super-popular'...? Um, that's odd terminology. ...Why do you say that?
Because all the knights say that you're the most beautiful woman in all of Lionel! She grins. So, it's really lucky that I look like you, even though I have Sammy... she quickly looks behind her, but Riola is paging through a book and doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything said over here, but I heard you have someone too, right?
I look down, touching the mark on my neck. The last tangible link I have to him...
Y'know, when I was hanging out with Sammy and Ryan--my cousin, Ryan Mikner--I got a glimpse of Sir Kadmus. I hear he's been holing himself up in his office, I lower my head slightly. Oh... I think he thought I was you for a second, cause he looked pleasantly surprised and stuff, but then he realized that I was someone completely different, so he got all depressed looking and went to his office, she takes in a deep breath, I thought that was weird, but Sammy told me it was probably because I look like you, just, y'know, not as beautiful.
...She talks so differently from the normal proper speech patterns. Then again, Dorter's a big trade city, so who knows what sort of speech patterns exist there. I can't think of a single thing to say. I mean, what should I respond to first?
Beowulf...depressed? Because of me...
I don't even know her...why is she telling me all these things?
Y'know, if you don't do something soon, this situation will become bigger than it really should, Alia says quietly. I look at her and her serious expression...what a sudden change, I mean, Sir Kadmus has more people depending on him than just you. He's a knight, but he's also a leader. He's already affected all the knights in this town; how long before he gets to everyone in this region? And, like, I've heard other things, she narrows her eyes, something about a priest calling him in Monday. I heard that was really bad. So, y'know...
You should really stop being so self-centered and talk to him.
I lower my eyes, blankly staring at the text that won't tell me what it says. Thank you for your advice, Miss Alia.
It's a little more complicated than that.
Even though all this is completely my fault...I'm scared...
Someone like myself really shouldn't have the ability to affect another person so much. I don't even know myself. I don't understand many of my own feelings. And now I'm being called self-centered' because I didn't immediately rectify the situation, because I'm afraid, because I don't know what to say...
Because I'm the person I am.
I don't know how to change that.
How...how do I change that?
Geez...I feel bad saying that, y'know, I look up at her and her shining hazel eyes, but I have to for Sammy's sake. Sammy really... she looks away, speaking quietly, he got the worst job.
I don't understand...?
I found a book, Alia, Riola smiles as he approaches us. He looks at me almost guiltily, Miss Dular, I know you don't check out books or anything, but do you mind if I borrow this? He shows me the cover of the tome he's holding...it's just a book on religious theory. I nod and he smiles at me. Thank you, Miss Dular. Alia, shall we go?
Alia stands up, taking Riola's hand in the process, and she waves at me. It was great meeting you, Reis! Let's talk again!
Does she really mean those words?
They leave, but not before I hear, It isn't as bad as you think it is. There's no way he... before they're too far away to listen to. It probably doesn't have anything to do with me.
I already have enough on my mind as is.
I wish I were back in Murond.
-----
Today's my day off. Friday...it was just a week ago today that I was finishing the last touches on my dress, feeling a happy sort of nervousness because of my dress, because of all the people, because it was such a huge risk on our part but we were going anyway...
I've never really thought about it, but...what kind of risk was our relationship to Beowulf?
--I want to be with you, and he can't do anything to me anyway--
That's what he said, but was that really the truth?
How much was he risking just to be with me?
Am I really worth it?
I turn over in my too-short bed, back facing the window already streaming light into my room. I used to get ten hours of sleep easily, but now I can barely seem to get half of that.
The risk was worth it to me. I never really even had to think about it.
I just wanted to be near him.
...If that was really true, would the issue of love have worried me as much?
--You should really stop being so self-centered and talk to him--
What do I say? What can I say?
I don't know if I can tell him what he needs to hear, what he deserves to hear. I'm scared that he'll tell me that...God, I can't really imagine him saying anything bad' to me. He's always treated me with respect and kindness, and I...
Why me, Beowulf? Why did you decide that you loved someone like me? You just suddenly said
--I love you--
and now I'm stuck behind you, desperately trying to catch up, but...
--Maybe that's your problem, Miss Reis...you're forcing it--
I hate this.
Maybe I should go back to sleep.
-----
--knoknok--
Groggily I sit up on my bed. Is someone knocking on my door?
--knoknoknok--
I guess so. Rubbing at my eyes with my hands, I walk over to the door and open it slightly. I don't want whoever's on the other side to see me in my nightgown.
There's a white mage on the other side, a few letters in her small hands. She looks at me oddly. Miss Dular? Some letters arrived for you.
Oh, it's Friday. Holding out my hands, I look at the name of the sender on the top envelope. Penelope Mishima' ...Peppermint? Thank you very much, I almost attempt a smile, but my face doesn't seem to want to cooperate.
You're welcome, she says, pulling down her hood so that her short blond hair is exposed, by the way, it's almost four in the afternoon. Did you just wake up?
...Hm, I didn't think that I'd slept that long. I haven't received a lot of sleep lately, she nods warily at this, that odd look still on her face, then she walks down the hall. I close the door and walk over to my bed, plopping down on it and scooting up to prop my back against the wall. The light from the window above my head is still there, though not as bright as it would be if it were morning.
Looking at the two letters in my hands, I smile. Other than Peppermint, Izlude also wrote. I open the envelope easily. I wonder what my little brother has to say...
Dear Big Sister Reis,
I'm in Bervenia right now with Father and Meliadoul. There's nice weather here, really bright and sunny but not terribly hot. Is that the same for Lionel? We're all doing fine; you are too, right?
Meliadoul and I entered a contest for dueling. It wasn't very big like the ones they have sometimes in Murond, but it was still a lot of fun. One of the knights in Lionel has family here, and his children were competing too. I won against Pietre Chiroseau; he was a lot younger than me but he was still pretty skilled. My sister went up against Aimiere Chiroseau in the finals. The battle really surprised me because I always thought that my sister was the best but the duel really showed that there are other people just as good. I always thought that the best fighters were all in Murond. That's what Father always said, and that's what Meliadoul and I always strive to follow. To be as good as Father and to be worthy as Shrine Knights of the Glabados Church would be the best honors to ever receive.
I don't think I would've been good enough if it weren't for you, Big Sister. When I think about you, I know that I have to keep on trying for my dream. How are you doing with your dream? I really believe that you're trying even harder than I am. I bet you'll succeed faster than me, too. Father told me I was improving after my win at the tournament and that made me really happy, but I want to hear from you too. I hope that we can stop by at Lionel again, unless we're going to Murond via Dorter or something. I miss you a lot.
-Izlude Tingel
P.S. Please send your reply to Murond because we're leaving Bervenia on the 20th of July.
P.P.S. I'm sorry this letter took so long. It was hard to write it all out in ancient Ivalician. I hope you can read it!
I smile. He spent a lot of time on this letter, I can tell. Each letter is printed so neatly...he really is such a determined boy. Considering that it's only the sixth of August, I think this letter arrived here pretty quickly. Maybe that says something about the war...
Now for Peppermint's letter...
Dear Reis,
I bet the name on the envelope confused you at first, right? Takeo and I were married on the same day we arrived in Warjilis. Nothing fancy, of course, and we settled down to the married life right afterward. It was pretty hard at first, because of money issues and such, but then the best opportunity happened! See, Takeo used to work on the docks and I was working the odd proposition that came at the local bar, when one day I heard about this gambler who travels the world. So I convinced Takeo to come with me to talk to Mr. Gabbiani, the gambler who owns the Blackjack, which is a very awesome ship/casino hybrid. To make a long story short, we're now traveling the world as a bodyguard and cook/healer, respectively. This also means that this is the last letter I can send for a while, and you can't reply to this. I'm sorry, but it was the perfect opportunity!
I've talked about myself enough. How are you doing? How are you doing with Sir Kadmus? Takeo sometimes talks about the times he had with the Knights (the Order, he calls them...I don't understand it either) and it really seems as if it's the way it is because of Sir Kadmus. You should be proud that you even caught the attention of that guy, although I think that for you it wasn't such a hard thing at all. I bet you think that isn't true, that it wasn't you, but I really think you should have more faith in yourself. You know, faith is a very important thing, and I don't mean for religious purposes. If you have faith in yourself, then I think that everything else comes into place a lot more easily.
Am I rambling on too much? I'm sorry. I really would've loved to see your reply to this letter. The Blackjack is actually supposed to head to the Eastern Lands next. Takeo is so excited to introduce me to his parents, so he keeps teaching me random bits of his native language. I thought it was nice to be that excited about going home and seeing family, but I guess that's not possible for me...but that's not really important. Anyway, I hope that everything's going well for you, and the next time I see you, I hope we can introduce ourselves to each other as Mrs. Mishima' and Mrs. Kadmus'!
-Peppermint
It seems as if Peppermint is really happy...
--If you have faith in yourself, then I think that everything else comes into place a lot more easily--
Faith' ...hm.
I've...never really thought about that before. I've never thought about believing in myself because I never needed to in order to make it day by day.
How does one obtain faith, anyway?
It seems like such a silly thing to ask.
I close my eyes, moving my letters off onto my pillow. Faith...
Beowulf is an easy person to believe in, unlike Verden. So I guess that means I have faith in Beowulf. But in myself...
--I don't think I would've been good enough if it weren't for you, Big Sister. When I think about you, I know that I have to keep on trying for my dream--
If other people can depend on me, maybe...maybe I should live up to that. In fact, I should because people believe in me. Izlude would probably be so disappointed in me if he saw me like this.
Opening my eyes slightly, I can see my door, so close to me...
I can't expect to do anything by just sitting around and worrying. Peppermint would probably tell me that I need to have faith in myself and that I should do something instead of...instead of angsting about it.
I smile slightly. Yes, she would really hate what I'm doing right now.
I'll wait for him at our place. It's a bit of a stretch to think that he'll arrive, but maybe...
Is that a little bit of what faith is?
-----
Feeling nice and clean after a long soak in the bath, I brush out my hair while sitting on my bed, dressed in a long cerulean dress over a short-sleeved white blouse. I think I'll leave my hair down. It's not as if this is a date or something. I've never felt this nervous about any of our dates.
I still don't know what to say, but I do want to apologize. That's a start, right?
Slipping on my black boots, I head for the door, quietly closing it behind me. It's already dark. There's a twisty nervousness in my stomach that I can't ignore. It churns more and more as I approach the back of the church, but I can't go back now.
No more running away, Reis. Mama never ran. If I can be a tenth as strong as she is, I can do this.
I will do this.
There's a dark figure standing next to the sill we usually sit on. The new moon makes it a lot harder to see, but of course it's Beowulf.
My stomach abruptly compresses at this realization, but I grit my teeth and keep going.
I have to keep going.
He looks over at me with colorless eyes, lips curving into a tentative smile as I approach. Oh...it seems he's somewhat pleased to see me... my eyes widen. I really missed the sound of his voice...
I stop just before him. If I raised my arm, I would touch him. I want to touch him, I want to hug him, I want to believe that this last week never happened, it's been a while, hasn't it?
Oh, God...that wasn't an obvious statement...
he trails off, ah, sit down. Please.
... I move past him, my arm brushing past his as I walk to the sill. Sitting in the middle of it, I watch as he glances at me, then at the spaces on either side of me, finally opting to sit close enough to me to touch me, but it still feels as if I have a lot of room.
I feel isolated.
I stare at my hands in my lap. What should I say?
Apologize first, then everything will be easier from there...
Okay. Sure. I understand.
Painfully, I raise my head. Beowulf, I--
I'm sorry, Reis.
...? What...what's he sorry about?
He looks over at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to force you into doing anything you're not comfortable doing.
...Wait. Are we still talking about the same night? I clearly remember that he was more hesitant than I was, so why... Beowulf...what are you saying?
...Chiroseau told me that you had been confused about how you felt about me, he looks away, out into the moonless night, that you felt that you needed to return my feelings. I didn't know you felt like that, that you would go so far just to... he stops, looking over at me with an almost tangible pain in his eyes, I said it was fine if you didn't share my feelings. You don't need to push yourself into doing things for my sake.
I close my eyes. It's not that he's wrong, because he really isn't, but... You say that...as if I hadn't enjoyed it as well.
I can't deny that. I wouldn't want to.
He looks faintly disbelieving when I open my eyes. It's hard to believe that when you pushed me away and stared at me as if I were--
It wasn't because I was scared of you that I pushed you away! Jumping up, hands clenched at my sides, I stare at him with stinging eyes. Why isn't this conversation going the way I thought it would?
Can't I pull him back to me?
Yes, I'll admit that I thought I could show you how I truly felt instead of telling you. It's hard...it's hard for me to tell people important things, and that's my own fault, I can feel my nails digging into my palms. There's a waver in my voice that won't go away. I sound weak and scared and I am, but...
I hate this.
It was a bad idea, I whisper, trying to regain control of my voice, and I hate that I thought that I could use the easier way when it comes to you. I hate myself for that, and I hate that my first instinct was to run away instead of talking things out. I hate that I have such an effect on you because I don't deserve it.
I hate this!
Reis, calm down, it's okay... his voice is soothing and kind but I can't let myself feel any of that.
I'm not done yet. If I calm down, I'll never be able to finish. I need to tell him...
I don't understand it, you know. I don't understand how you can tell someone as emotionally ruined as I am that you love me, staring into his face, I can see his shock in his widened eyes and slightly agape mouth. He's never seen me like this. I'm sorry for that, you do know that, right? I can't tell you how I arrived in Murond even if I wanted to. I can't tell you why I never made a friend in the almost eight years I was there.
Keep going...
But I can tell you this: it's because of you that I'm even willing to talk to other people now. It's because of you that I can even stand to go through my memories and enjoy them. It's because of you that I'm standing here, telling you what I hate about myself. It's because of you that I'm willing to take responsibility for my actions, so don't even apologize to me about something I wanted, I finish, taking a deep breath.
I don't think I've ever talked that much at one time in my life.
His eyes widen, looking completely surprised...then he lowers his head, eyes closing with that movement. Reis...I don't want you to say anything for my sake, especially that...
...That hurts.
Am I that untrustworthy...?
Beowulf...what did I say that you don't believe? My voice is soft, yet it's not wavering for once. I'm proud of that.
His eyes flicker up to my face momentarily, completely drained of emotion. It's not that I don't believe you. You just... he sighs heavily, I think you're giving me far too much credit.
Well...
--Well then, consider me your big sister when it comes to matters like this--
--I want to be your brother--
--Miss Reis, I'm not Kadmus, but...would you tell me what is bothering you?--
Of course, there are others who've helped me become the person I am now, but... That may be true, but you're the most important person to me, please believe me...
I love you, Beowulf.
Lowering my head, I slowly begin to smile.
--Do you feel as if you absolutely have to return his feelings?--
I don't have' to.
I just do.
Raising my head slightly, I can see that Beowulf seems a bit...I'm not sure. But he's smiling, so that must be a good sign. You're the most important person to me, Reis, his eyes stay on my face he stands up and steps up to me. He places his hands on my shoulders, then they move to my back as he embraces me tightly, I'm sorry, Reis.
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I can't help but smile. God, I missed this feeling of being securely surrounded... About what?
Doubting you, he hugs me tighter, a hand entangled in my loose hair as the other presses against my back, ...I missed you.
I close my eyes. I missed you too, Beowulf.
He has every right to doubt me. I wish that wasn't true, but my own actions alone were probably enough that he couldn't just believe anything I said without worrying about the intent behind my words.
Maybe words and actions are dependent of each other, so it's not such a great idea to substitute one for the other.
I'll keep that in mind.
Next time, if you feel strange about something I've said or done, can you please come up to me and tell me? I'm not a mind-reader, he kisses the top of my head and I sigh happily, and I'd really rather not go through another week like this.
That's fine by me. Then let me take responsibility for my own mistakes. I didn't like hearing you apologize for something I basically started, I look up at him, and I'm not quite sure why he's smiling like that...
Let's go get some dinner, Beowulf slowly releases me, taking my hand, it's a nice night.
even though I'm dressed in rather plain clothes, and I'm still a bit surprised at tonight's events...well, it's made me hungry.
Besides, I get to spend time with the man I love.
Soon...soon I'll tell him. At a calmer time, in a calmer place, I'll be sure to tell him.
I love you, Beowulf.
-End to chapter 17-
I wrote this and the next chapter--actually a long interlude--together because I have both finals and picking next semester's classes for the next couple of weeks and I'd like to try this weird thing called studying'. But I'll still post on time next week.- Chantage': a perfume with a peaceful scent'. This one's hugely popular because it has Always: Reraise and Regen. Steal it off of Meliadoul in the Bervenia fight or poach it from a Porky.
-Because I love FFVI the most, I had to put in a reference to Setzer independent of the propositions you get about him in the game.
Reviewers!
Luna, Eternity' is a great song. Actually, most of Akino Arai's songs are wonderful. Hm...Chieko's just that way. No other reason. I do have a sketch of Reis' dress, but I don't have a scanner or else I would've put it up on my author profile. Meh.
Delita reminds me of the French Revolution. Y'know, the whole Ragh! Let's kill off some nobles and make ourselves king!' mentality, just...a lot more subtle. As for his complexity as a character...I'm not sure if he's so much complex' as he is the poster child of When bad things happen to good people', just with exponentially stronger feelings. He's definitely had some extremes, but it's understandable. I'd like to see a detailed fanfic about Delita as well, cause there's no way I'd write one. Why don't you write it?
Thank you, Josh, for answering...and so promptly, too! Well, this is the only way I know how to write, so I guess I can only hope to get better. Thank you once again, and I'll be sure to keep the quality as high as you expect it to be!
I wonder where Mavina is...it's weird not seeing her all of a sudden...
Ahem. Thank you very much for reading! This is now officially the longest story I've ever had the pleasure of writing, but it's still not anywhere near done yet! If you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to tell me!
Interlude #1: The Lionel Holy KnightsClasped Hands: I think what I really love most about this place is being with the Knights. I'm not the only one who feels this way, either. It's like being with a dysfunctional family...okay, it's less melodramatic than that. But if something should happen to any one of us, the rest of us would immediately run and help that guy.
That's what family is for, right?'