THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the many pieces of Harry Potter merchandise in my room.
Dedication: To all of my reviewers! Thank you! I've never had so many reviews! *tear*
Sorry about the weird things that are coming instead of ' and " and stuff like that. My computer is really messed up and I'm working on it, but right now, that's the only way that I'm going to be able to get it posted. Sorry. Please bear with me.
~Okay. I know that I haven't updated in such a long time, but I do hope that you'll forgive me, and that some of you are still reading. On a happier note, WOW! 40 reviews! I wasn't expecting that much! Thank you sooooooooo much!!! Oh, special thanks to those of you who gave me ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris. Sadly, I couldn't use them all, otherwise all you would have to do is read the reviews to find the whole story. So, I chose a few of them, and would like to recognize the following people super quick: Sparkles, Cat, Catzi, Yoshi-fan2003, element_Lenore, el loco uno, Am 'Broise, and Prankster Queen. I think that is everyone. I'm terribly sorry if I forgot anyone but my computer isn't working right, and I can't look over my reviews. And, also, I didn't receive many of the reviews until I had made the final list, so I'm sorry bout that. So, thank you again to everyone who reviewed! I'm so happy! *tear of happiness * Well, I'll let you get onto the story! So, here you go!
Chapter 3
Over the following week, nearly all of the students noticed that the same giggles and sniggering that Snape received were now passed onto Filch. Finding it both annoying, and possibly even a little flattering at all of the attention, Filch decided to barricade himself in his office. However, not all of the limelight was on Filch. There were still people humming "We hate you Snape" in the corridors.
Before long, however, it was Saturday. Nearly all of the Gryffindors were gathered in the Common Room to wait for the next stage of the contest to begin. The fifth years, all except for Hermione that is, were sitting in front of the fire. While they were waiting, Ron and Harry were poring over their Divination homework. They were now working on reading Tarot cards.
"Ah, no, I got the death card again," Ron said with a groan.
"But that card doesn't necessarily mean death or anything bad. It can also mean transition," Harry said, looking up from his cards. It had been the only one that he memorized. He wanted to make sure that he had a comeback in case Trelawney decided to tell him that he would die the next day. "What does the nine of swords mean again?"
Ron flipped through pages in Tarot: A Guide to the Future and read, "'Misery, concern, unhappiness, anxiety over a loved one, worry, despair, or suffering.' Tough luck, mate." Harry groaned.
"At least we have the contest to look forward too, right?" Harry asked as the forth years took seats behind him. "Unless Snape finds out about all of this and thinks it was my idea. Then I'd really suffer." He broke away from his homework and turned to look at the forth years.
"Well, we have better stuff this time, so let's just hope we win," Ron said, still trying to interpret his cards, but Harry wasn't listening. He was still gazing at the forth years.
"Where's Ginny?" he asked them abruptly for she was, indeed missing from the group. Colin Creevy turned around.
"Hi ya, Harry! Ginny said that she wouldn't help us this time," he said looking rather grim. "She said that she didn't want insult the cat. Guess she likes cats." He shrugged. Harry turned back to Ron, his stomach doing an unpleasant sort of summersault suddenly realizing that they could be making jokes about how she opened the Chamber of Secrets in her first year. He had not done so, of course, but he just hoped that everyone else would have the decency to not mention it.
"Welcome brave Gryffindors," Fred Weasley shouted coming down the stairs with George by his side, "to the second chapter of The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape Contest!" They were still wearing their outrageous ties, but this time, they each had a hat on that looked as if it belonged to Napoleon.
"Branched out a bit, haven't they?" Harry asked Ron while everyone else clapped, ready to get started.
Once again, the twins jumped up onto the table, looking very dignified.
"I would just like to congratulate everyone again for last week," George said over the noise. "It was brilliant! The best part is that even though Snape has no clue what's going on, he's looking even greasier than usual!" A few people laughed.
"Well, let's get down to business," Fred said. "The points are now: forth year – 100; Seventh year – 50 points. Everyone else – nothing." He shrugged.
"Don't worry, though, there are still many more opportunities to get points," George added.
"So, let's hear The Top 70 Ways to Annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris!"
Everyone clapped, and seven people made their way to the front of the room to hand off their lists. Once all of the pieces of parchment were collected, Fred glanced at the top one and said, "Let's start with forth year. That should make a nice start."
"What's this?" George asked. "You have twelve things on here. It was only supposed to be ten."
"That's just not fair!" a sixth year shouted.
"Some people just have no regard for the rules," Fred said shaking his head.
"Well, we'll read 'em all, but only count the first ten. Okay?
"Hem hem. 'Number one: Dump red pain and ketchup on yourself in an empty corridor. Scream at the top of your lungs. When Filch arrives, play dead. When he goes to get a mop, write, 'Who cleaned these floors?' in paint and then run.'" Polite laughter followed this. "'Two: Never speak English in front of him. Always speak German.' Ah. Just like last week! 'Three: sing the I Hate You Snape song only change the words to Filch and/or Mrs. Norris.' Okay, that's just not very creative. 'Four: sing the I Love You Harry song only put in Peeves instead of Harry.'"
"Now come on. Anything new besides that first one?" George asked across the room.
"Wait, here we go. 'Five: When Filch has his back turned, yell, "Dungbombs!" and run.' Better, George?"
"I guess," he said shrugging. "Go on."
"'Six: Call him 'Baka' repeatedly until he finally gets a Japanese dictionary and realizes that it means 'stupid.' Seven: Paint 'Filch, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened again, and I have your cat!' on his office door.' Wonder when we'd get to that. 'Eight: Turn the hall into a mud pit. Nine: Ask him what year he graduated from Hogwarts. Ten: Talk to him like a valley girl. Eleven: Talk to him in rhymes only. Twelve: Sing Filch Hippie songs,'" Fred finished. "Well, I do like the one about rhymes, but that wasn't at all up to last week's standards."
"Sorry, but I agree. You could be loosing your touch. Bet you're missing Ginny now, huh?" "Well, lets have the third years now. George," Fred said, handing off the next parchment to his brother.
"'Number one: Tell Filch to 'Think of sunshine, unicorns, and happy elves and everything will seem a lot better.'" He laughed along with everyone else. "I do that a lot. Thought of happy elves bringing me cakes, and they did; I was a lot happier after that." He turned back to the list. "'Two: Vanish the door to his office and all of the broom closets. Three: Poke your head around a corner where Filch is, make a sound like a cat being kicked, then run for your life. Four: Find a way to smuggle a working radio into Hogwarts and jinx it to play "It's a Hard Knock Life" from Annie, and put it in his office. See how long he can last before he chucks it out of a window. Five: Give him voice lessons, and teach him how to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" properly.'"
"Wasn't Dad singing something like that last summer? Said something about Santa? That would be great if Filch sang it!" Fred shouted over the people suppressing giggles.
"'Six: Take him to a muggle karaoke night. Seven: Give Filch caffeine. Eight: Take Mrs. Norris hostage, and leave a note saying that she was used as an experimental flight animal for NASA, and she is on her way to Pluto right now.' Hey, I know about NASA! It's the Nastily Academic Snobbish Academy! Percy wanted to go there, but Mum said no."
"Now that was just too bad, huh."
"Anyway. 'Nine: Lock Mrs. Norris in the vanishing cabinet. And Ten: Lock Mrs. Norris in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.' Well, that was much more satisfying," George said, casting a glance at the forth years.
"Now here are the seventh years!" Fred yelled, hastily changing the subject. Large amounts of laughter came from the front of the room. "Number one: Give him a kiss on the cheek.' Angelina! I know that was you – again!" he yelled, outraged. Angelina gave him a mysterious sort of smile.
"I'll just take this," George said, reaching for the list. "'Two: Worship Fred and George.'"
"Well, that's better," Fred said crossing his arms.
"Glad to hear that you two are all patched up. 'Three: Let off fifty or so of Fred and George's new fireworks in Filch's office.' They're on sale, by the way. Now nine galleons each! 'Four: Test out Fred and George's new Skiving Snackboxes on Mrs. Norris by 'accidentally' putting them into her food dish.' That's good cuz we're always looking for new testers. 'Five: Have a bunch of girls run up to him squealing, "We love you, Argus!"'"
"I hope that doesn't include a certain girlfriend," Fred interrupted.
"'Six: Persuade Peeves to kiss Filch.'"
"I like that one much better."
"'Seven: Say to him, 'Mr. Filch, meet Mr. Bar-of-Soap.'' That's great! 'Eight: Tell him to take a bath.' And he needs it. 'Nine: Buy Filch some new clothes for his birthday with a note saying 'A donation to the poor and fashionless.' Ten: Rewrite his list of rules to include running around making as much noise as possible, doing spells in corridors, and destroying school property.' Oh, that would make things so much easier." Much laughter followed the seventh year's list. "Fred, do you think you can read the next one?"
"Sure," he said, still with an uneasy look about him. "Okay, brace yourself, George, cuz it's the first years."
"Are they even worth reading?" he asked.
"Well, let's just give them a chance. 'One: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dog.' A big dog? Cuz that would just give her the strength to actually eat students. 'Two: Turn Mrs. Norris into a hippogriff.'"
"Oh, come on. That's even worse. We're thinking of ways to annoy them, not to make them more dangerous!"
"Breathe, George."
"Okay. Right," he said, inhaling very deeply.
"'Turn Mrs. Norris into a pair of sandals.' Ya see, here we go. 'Turn Mrs. Norris into a chicken. Five: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dungbomb. Turn Mrs. Norris into a book and give her to Madam Pince to put away in the library.' Not bad. 'Turn Mrs. Norris into a bludger. Seven: Turn Mrs. Norris into Filch's cleaning solutions. Eight: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dandelion.' Oh, here's a different one. 'Transfigure Mrs. Norris into a fluffy pink bunny rabbit.' See, that wasn't that bad, was it, George?"
"Guess not. Well, let's move onto the second years. 'One: Feed Mrs. Norris dungbombs. Two: Persuade Peeves to kidnap Mrs. Norris. Three: Encourage Peeves.' Simple, yet effective," he added. "'Four: When Mrs. Norris finds you and goes to tell Filch, kidnap her and leave a note saying, 'If you ever want to see your cat again, bring seventy boxes of lemon drops to the Grand Canyon at midnight.' See if he can find out what lemon drops are, get seventy boxes of them, then get to the Grand Canyon by midnight without having a nervous break down.' Very creative. 'Five: Put a Filibuster firework in Mrs. Norris's food dish. Six: Introduce Filch to Moaning Myrtle. Who knows, despite all of the constant flooding of the corridors, two miserable people might find some things in common.' What a cute couple," George added waiting for the constant laughter to die down. "'Let off twenty or so dungbombs in Filch's office and leave a not saying that it was Mrs. Norris. Eight: Kidnap Mrs. Norris, and leave clues for Filch in order to find her, but they only lead in circles: "In your office…got to the broom closet…go to the great hall…got to your office…"' We should try that sometime, right Fred? 'Nine: Put a silencing charm on the cat, then dress her up in glasses and robes then when Filch comes by, walk on casually saying "Hi, Professor McGonagall!" Ten: Invite him to participate in a male beauty contest called Mr. Hogwarts Squib.' What a site – Filch in a dress!" It took several minutes for the insane laughter to die down after George finished. When he did, however, Fred picked up another list and continued.
"Now, let's hear it for the good old fifth years!" Several people, including Harry and Ron, applauded. "'One: While walking past Filch's office, say in a very loud voice, "Did you hear? Dumbledore was going to allow the old method of punishing students again!" then watch him run like a maniac to Dumbledore's office with a stupid grin on his face to see if it was true. Two: Hang Filch by his ankles in the dungeons. Three: Start wearing boots with spikes on the bottom, threaten Mrs. Norris with a good kick, and see if she comes near you after that. Four: Convince Peeves to go on a rampage of the entire school.'"
"We should try that. Think he'd listen to us, or just throw doxies at us again?"
"That did hurt. I think I still have some bruises. Anyway. 'Five: Send him five hundred Kwick Spell letters. Six: Set loose bewitched mice that appear to have Filch's head, and laugh when Mrs. Norris eats them in front of him.'" At this, Fred himself chuckled. "Norris…eating…Filch…that's great. Seven: Perform very simple magic in front of him and ask him if he can do that. Eight: Give Mrs. Norris a good kick. Nine: Send him a flyer advertising a "So You're a Squid Now Learn How to Cope With It" meeting that you made up and see if he turns up. And ten: Take him into the Forbidden Forest and see how he likes it.'"
"Much better than last time."
"My compliments."
"Finally, the sixth years," George said, reaching for the last piece of parchment. "'One: Hang stuffed cats from torches. Two: Dribble diced up fresh catnip all over the halls, and see Norris goes psycho. Three: Choose several halls and paint them neon colors.'"
"Well, someone had too much sugar today."
"'Four: Place a framed fake marriage certificate with Filch and Mrs. Norris's names on it outside the Great Hall.'"
"Well, they might as well be married."
"'Five: Bring twenty dogs into the castle and watch Mrs. Norris run. Six: Get Moaning Myrtle to flood the corridors at least five times a day.' Peeves could convince her."
"All he'd have to do would be to say, 'You're dead – '"
"'And you're ugly!' 'Seven: Tie large and bright bows around Mrs. Norris's neck that will simply not go away.'"
"Again with the sugar."
"'Eight: Transfigure his cleaning liquids into permanent paint. Nine: If you're a prefect, try to give him detention.' Hey, it might work. And the last way to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris: 'Introduce Mrs. Norris to a male cat, and see if Filch gets jealous.'"
When the last list was finished, the few people who had been suppressing giggles laughed right out loud.
"Well, thank you very much everyone for the ingenious ways to possibly get a restraining order!" Fred shouted.
"Yes, we'll have a job decided this week, won't we, Fred?"
"Absolutely. We'll get going now and choose –"
"But we'll be back sooner than you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes are the best things ever for three hundred and seventy-two reason. Number one...'"
"Come, George."
"Righto!" With that, they left for their dormitory with even more laughter and clapping following them.
"What do you recon?" Ron asked Harry.
"Don't think the first years got it," he responded, collapsing into an armchair. He sighed. "At least Ginny's name didn't come up at all. That would have been horrible."
"Yeah, I didn't even think of that. I don't think that Fred and George would have read it, though, if it had. So, what do you recon?" Ron repeated.
"I don't know. Probably sixth or seventh year. Second was really funny this time. Why don't you ask your tarot cards who will win?"
"Good idea! If only they weren't such bloody useless things. Let's see." He mixed up the cards and picked the top one up. It showed a picture of a skeleton riding a horse. "Darn. Death again."
"Hey could be worse," said Harry, shrugging.
They sat there for nearly fifteen minutes before Fred and George finally made their way back down the staircase. Once again, applause greeted their entrance. They both bowed very deeply before climbing on top of their usual table. "Well, this was a very hard decision to make."
"Everyone here is equally evil," George added with his arms outstretched. There were several more cheers here.
"I'm sure you're all anxious and waiting, so let's just get on with this."
"Second place, I am very proud to say, goes to seventh year for offering to test out our Skiving Snacks on Mrs. Norris!" Loud screams erupted from the other side of the common room.
"Yes, yes. We all love the seventh years," Fred began. Angelina beamed. "What I mean is, they are…very big…trouble makers…yeah. First place," he said, changing the subject, "goes to…dramatic pause…"
"Come on already!" Ron yelled.
"Second year dressing Mrs. Norris up as McGonagall!" Ron swore under his breathe as the second years screamed wildly.
"However, we would like to award an honorable mention to Ronikins and the rest of them for suggesting to charm mice to look like Filch."
"Yes!" Ron, Seamus and Dean yelled together.
"No points, though. Sorry bout that," Fred said. Ron groaned.
"Tough luck mate."
"One more thing, of course. Next week, we need the top, let's see…"
"The Top 63 Ways to Annoy Peeves!"
"So, go forth with joy –"
"And find ways that would really put a stopper in Peeves's happiness."
"Is Peeves ever unhappy?"
"Your guess is as good as mine." Then they went off to celebrate with the rest of the seventh years who gratefully welcomed them.
"We should have won," Ron said, turning back to Harry. "Yeah, we should have, but what can ya do?" Harry said.
"Well, let's get to work. For next week we have to have something completely brilliant."
"Alright," Harry replied, gladly pushing his Divination homework aside.
~*~ Did you like it? Was it as good as the Snape one? Personally, I think that Ron and Harry and the rest of the 5th years should have won. That one was my favorite! But that's just the way the story goes.
One more quick way to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris that wouldn't fit in the story: "Give Filch a part in Hogwarts: The Musical. He can be the curtain puller."
Well, you know what to do! I need ways to annoy Peeves! Thank you again to EVERYONE who reviewed/wrote ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris! They were hilarious!!! They all made me madly laugh! Now, however, it is Peeves turn. Other more familiar people that you suggested are going to be the 'buddies' next!
Do you think that we could get over 50 reviews before I update again? That would be so cool! Oh, and if we can get over 100, I'll do a special bonus chapter! K?
Lots of love!
Carmen Willows
PS Once again, I'm sorry it took so long to update, but I'm writing three fan fics at once. So, if you have nothing to do one day, check out one of my other ones. Thanks! Now – clickity, click, click, click!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the many pieces of Harry Potter merchandise in my room.
Dedication: To all of my reviewers! Thank you! I've never had so many reviews! *tear*
Sorry about the weird things that are coming instead of ' and " and stuff like that. My computer is really messed up and I'm working on it, but right now, that's the only way that I'm going to be able to get it posted. Sorry. Please bear with me.
~Okay. I know that I haven't updated in such a long time, but I do hope that you'll forgive me, and that some of you are still reading. On a happier note, WOW! 40 reviews! I wasn't expecting that much! Thank you sooooooooo much!!! Oh, special thanks to those of you who gave me ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris. Sadly, I couldn't use them all, otherwise all you would have to do is read the reviews to find the whole story. So, I chose a few of them, and would like to recognize the following people super quick: Sparkles, Cat, Catzi, Yoshi-fan2003, element_Lenore, el loco uno, Am 'Broise, and Prankster Queen. I think that is everyone. I'm terribly sorry if I forgot anyone but my computer isn't working right, and I can't look over my reviews. And, also, I didn't receive many of the reviews until I had made the final list, so I'm sorry bout that. So, thank you again to everyone who reviewed! I'm so happy! *tear of happiness * Well, I'll let you get onto the story! So, here you go!
Chapter 3
Over the following week, nearly all of the students noticed that the same giggles and sniggering that Snape received were now passed onto Filch. Finding it both annoying, and possibly even a little flattering at all of the attention, Filch decided to barricade himself in his office. However, not all of the limelight was on Filch. There were still people humming "We hate you Snape" in the corridors.
Before long, however, it was Saturday. Nearly all of the Gryffindors were gathered in the Common Room to wait for the next stage of the contest to begin. The fifth years, all except for Hermione that is, were sitting in front of the fire. While they were waiting, Ron and Harry were poring over their Divination homework. They were now working on reading Tarot cards.
"Ah, no, I got the death card again," Ron said with a groan.
"But that card doesn't necessarily mean death or anything bad. It can also mean transition," Harry said, looking up from his cards. It had been the only one that he memorized. He wanted to make sure that he had a comeback in case Trelawney decided to tell him that he would die the next day. "What does the nine of swords mean again?"
Ron flipped through pages in Tarot: A Guide to the Future and read, "'Misery, concern, unhappiness, anxiety over a loved one, worry, despair, or suffering.' Tough luck, mate." Harry groaned.
"At least we have the contest to look forward too, right?" Harry asked as the forth years took seats behind him. "Unless Snape finds out about all of this and thinks it was my idea. Then I'd really suffer." He broke away from his homework and turned to look at the forth years.
"Well, we have better stuff this time, so let's just hope we win," Ron said, still trying to interpret his cards, but Harry wasn't listening. He was still gazing at the forth years.
"Where's Ginny?" he asked them abruptly for she was, indeed missing from the group. Colin Creevy turned around.
"Hi ya, Harry! Ginny said that she wouldn't help us this time," he said looking rather grim. "She said that she didn't want insult the cat. Guess she likes cats." He shrugged. Harry turned back to Ron, his stomach doing an unpleasant sort of summersault suddenly realizing that they could be making jokes about how she opened the Chamber of Secrets in her first year. He had not done so, of course, but he just hoped that everyone else would have the decency to not mention it.
"Welcome brave Gryffindors," Fred Weasley shouted coming down the stairs with George by his side, "to the second chapter of The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape Contest!" They were still wearing their outrageous ties, but this time, they each had a hat on that looked as if it belonged to Napoleon.
"Branched out a bit, haven't they?" Harry asked Ron while everyone else clapped, ready to get started.
Once again, the twins jumped up onto the table, looking very dignified.
"I would just like to congratulate everyone again for last week," George said over the noise. "It was brilliant! The best part is that even though Snape has no clue what's going on, he's looking even greasier than usual!" A few people laughed.
"Well, let's get down to business," Fred said. "The points are now: forth year – 100; Seventh year – 50 points. Everyone else – nothing." He shrugged.
"Don't worry, though, there are still many more opportunities to get points," George added.
"So, let's hear The Top 70 Ways to Annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris!"
Everyone clapped, and seven people made their way to the front of the room to hand off their lists. Once all of the pieces of parchment were collected, Fred glanced at the top one and said, "Let's start with forth year. That should make a nice start."
"What's this?" George asked. "You have twelve things on here. It was only supposed to be ten."
"That's just not fair!" a sixth year shouted.
"Some people just have no regard for the rules," Fred said shaking his head.
"Well, we'll read 'em all, but only count the first ten. Okay?
"Hem hem. 'Number one: Dump red pain and ketchup on yourself in an empty corridor. Scream at the top of your lungs. When Filch arrives, play dead. When he goes to get a mop, write, 'Who cleaned these floors?' in paint and then run.'" Polite laughter followed this. "'Two: Never speak English in front of him. Always speak German.' Ah. Just like last week! 'Three: sing the I Hate You Snape song only change the words to Filch and/or Mrs. Norris.' Okay, that's just not very creative. 'Four: sing the I Love You Harry song only put in Peeves instead of Harry.'"
"Now come on. Anything new besides that first one?" George asked across the room.
"Wait, here we go. 'Five: When Filch has his back turned, yell, "Dungbombs!" and run.' Better, George?"
"I guess," he said shrugging. "Go on."
"'Six: Call him 'Baka' repeatedly until he finally gets a Japanese dictionary and realizes that it means 'stupid.' Seven: Paint 'Filch, the Chamber of Secrets has been opened again, and I have your cat!' on his office door.' Wonder when we'd get to that. 'Eight: Turn the hall into a mud pit. Nine: Ask him what year he graduated from Hogwarts. Ten: Talk to him like a valley girl. Eleven: Talk to him in rhymes only. Twelve: Sing Filch Hippie songs,'" Fred finished. "Well, I do like the one about rhymes, but that wasn't at all up to last week's standards."
"Sorry, but I agree. You could be loosing your touch. Bet you're missing Ginny now, huh?" "Well, lets have the third years now. George," Fred said, handing off the next parchment to his brother.
"'Number one: Tell Filch to 'Think of sunshine, unicorns, and happy elves and everything will seem a lot better.'" He laughed along with everyone else. "I do that a lot. Thought of happy elves bringing me cakes, and they did; I was a lot happier after that." He turned back to the list. "'Two: Vanish the door to his office and all of the broom closets. Three: Poke your head around a corner where Filch is, make a sound like a cat being kicked, then run for your life. Four: Find a way to smuggle a working radio into Hogwarts and jinx it to play "It's a Hard Knock Life" from Annie, and put it in his office. See how long he can last before he chucks it out of a window. Five: Give him voice lessons, and teach him how to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life" properly.'"
"Wasn't Dad singing something like that last summer? Said something about Santa? That would be great if Filch sang it!" Fred shouted over the people suppressing giggles.
"'Six: Take him to a muggle karaoke night. Seven: Give Filch caffeine. Eight: Take Mrs. Norris hostage, and leave a note saying that she was used as an experimental flight animal for NASA, and she is on her way to Pluto right now.' Hey, I know about NASA! It's the Nastily Academic Snobbish Academy! Percy wanted to go there, but Mum said no."
"Now that was just too bad, huh."
"Anyway. 'Nine: Lock Mrs. Norris in the vanishing cabinet. And Ten: Lock Mrs. Norris in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.' Well, that was much more satisfying," George said, casting a glance at the forth years.
"Now here are the seventh years!" Fred yelled, hastily changing the subject. Large amounts of laughter came from the front of the room. "Number one: Give him a kiss on the cheek.' Angelina! I know that was you – again!" he yelled, outraged. Angelina gave him a mysterious sort of smile.
"I'll just take this," George said, reaching for the list. "'Two: Worship Fred and George.'"
"Well, that's better," Fred said crossing his arms.
"Glad to hear that you two are all patched up. 'Three: Let off fifty or so of Fred and George's new fireworks in Filch's office.' They're on sale, by the way. Now nine galleons each! 'Four: Test out Fred and George's new Skiving Snackboxes on Mrs. Norris by 'accidentally' putting them into her food dish.' That's good cuz we're always looking for new testers. 'Five: Have a bunch of girls run up to him squealing, "We love you, Argus!"'"
"I hope that doesn't include a certain girlfriend," Fred interrupted.
"'Six: Persuade Peeves to kiss Filch.'"
"I like that one much better."
"'Seven: Say to him, 'Mr. Filch, meet Mr. Bar-of-Soap.'' That's great! 'Eight: Tell him to take a bath.' And he needs it. 'Nine: Buy Filch some new clothes for his birthday with a note saying 'A donation to the poor and fashionless.' Ten: Rewrite his list of rules to include running around making as much noise as possible, doing spells in corridors, and destroying school property.' Oh, that would make things so much easier." Much laughter followed the seventh year's list. "Fred, do you think you can read the next one?"
"Sure," he said, still with an uneasy look about him. "Okay, brace yourself, George, cuz it's the first years."
"Are they even worth reading?" he asked.
"Well, let's just give them a chance. 'One: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dog.' A big dog? Cuz that would just give her the strength to actually eat students. 'Two: Turn Mrs. Norris into a hippogriff.'"
"Oh, come on. That's even worse. We're thinking of ways to annoy them, not to make them more dangerous!"
"Breathe, George."
"Okay. Right," he said, inhaling very deeply.
"'Turn Mrs. Norris into a pair of sandals.' Ya see, here we go. 'Turn Mrs. Norris into a chicken. Five: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dungbomb. Turn Mrs. Norris into a book and give her to Madam Pince to put away in the library.' Not bad. 'Turn Mrs. Norris into a bludger. Seven: Turn Mrs. Norris into Filch's cleaning solutions. Eight: Turn Mrs. Norris into a dandelion.' Oh, here's a different one. 'Transfigure Mrs. Norris into a fluffy pink bunny rabbit.' See, that wasn't that bad, was it, George?"
"Guess not. Well, let's move onto the second years. 'One: Feed Mrs. Norris dungbombs. Two: Persuade Peeves to kidnap Mrs. Norris. Three: Encourage Peeves.' Simple, yet effective," he added. "'Four: When Mrs. Norris finds you and goes to tell Filch, kidnap her and leave a note saying, 'If you ever want to see your cat again, bring seventy boxes of lemon drops to the Grand Canyon at midnight.' See if he can find out what lemon drops are, get seventy boxes of them, then get to the Grand Canyon by midnight without having a nervous break down.' Very creative. 'Five: Put a Filibuster firework in Mrs. Norris's food dish. Six: Introduce Filch to Moaning Myrtle. Who knows, despite all of the constant flooding of the corridors, two miserable people might find some things in common.' What a cute couple," George added waiting for the constant laughter to die down. "'Let off twenty or so dungbombs in Filch's office and leave a not saying that it was Mrs. Norris. Eight: Kidnap Mrs. Norris, and leave clues for Filch in order to find her, but they only lead in circles: "In your office…got to the broom closet…go to the great hall…got to your office…"' We should try that sometime, right Fred? 'Nine: Put a silencing charm on the cat, then dress her up in glasses and robes then when Filch comes by, walk on casually saying "Hi, Professor McGonagall!" Ten: Invite him to participate in a male beauty contest called Mr. Hogwarts Squib.' What a site – Filch in a dress!" It took several minutes for the insane laughter to die down after George finished. When he did, however, Fred picked up another list and continued.
"Now, let's hear it for the good old fifth years!" Several people, including Harry and Ron, applauded. "'One: While walking past Filch's office, say in a very loud voice, "Did you hear? Dumbledore was going to allow the old method of punishing students again!" then watch him run like a maniac to Dumbledore's office with a stupid grin on his face to see if it was true. Two: Hang Filch by his ankles in the dungeons. Three: Start wearing boots with spikes on the bottom, threaten Mrs. Norris with a good kick, and see if she comes near you after that. Four: Convince Peeves to go on a rampage of the entire school.'"
"We should try that. Think he'd listen to us, or just throw doxies at us again?"
"That did hurt. I think I still have some bruises. Anyway. 'Five: Send him five hundred Kwick Spell letters. Six: Set loose bewitched mice that appear to have Filch's head, and laugh when Mrs. Norris eats them in front of him.'" At this, Fred himself chuckled. "Norris…eating…Filch…that's great. Seven: Perform very simple magic in front of him and ask him if he can do that. Eight: Give Mrs. Norris a good kick. Nine: Send him a flyer advertising a "So You're a Squid Now Learn How to Cope With It" meeting that you made up and see if he turns up. And ten: Take him into the Forbidden Forest and see how he likes it.'"
"Much better than last time."
"My compliments."
"Finally, the sixth years," George said, reaching for the last piece of parchment. "'One: Hang stuffed cats from torches. Two: Dribble diced up fresh catnip all over the halls, and see Norris goes psycho. Three: Choose several halls and paint them neon colors.'"
"Well, someone had too much sugar today."
"'Four: Place a framed fake marriage certificate with Filch and Mrs. Norris's names on it outside the Great Hall.'"
"Well, they might as well be married."
"'Five: Bring twenty dogs into the castle and watch Mrs. Norris run. Six: Get Moaning Myrtle to flood the corridors at least five times a day.' Peeves could convince her."
"All he'd have to do would be to say, 'You're dead – '"
"'And you're ugly!' 'Seven: Tie large and bright bows around Mrs. Norris's neck that will simply not go away.'"
"Again with the sugar."
"'Eight: Transfigure his cleaning liquids into permanent paint. Nine: If you're a prefect, try to give him detention.' Hey, it might work. And the last way to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris: 'Introduce Mrs. Norris to a male cat, and see if Filch gets jealous.'"
When the last list was finished, the few people who had been suppressing giggles laughed right out loud.
"Well, thank you very much everyone for the ingenious ways to possibly get a restraining order!" Fred shouted.
"Yes, we'll have a job decided this week, won't we, Fred?"
"Absolutely. We'll get going now and choose –"
"But we'll be back sooner than you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes are the best things ever for three hundred and seventy-two reason. Number one...'"
"Come, George."
"Righto!" With that, they left for their dormitory with even more laughter and clapping following them.
"What do you recon?" Ron asked Harry.
"Don't think the first years got it," he responded, collapsing into an armchair. He sighed. "At least Ginny's name didn't come up at all. That would have been horrible."
"Yeah, I didn't even think of that. I don't think that Fred and George would have read it, though, if it had. So, what do you recon?" Ron repeated.
"I don't know. Probably sixth or seventh year. Second was really funny this time. Why don't you ask your tarot cards who will win?"
"Good idea! If only they weren't such bloody useless things. Let's see." He mixed up the cards and picked the top one up. It showed a picture of a skeleton riding a horse. "Darn. Death again."
"Hey could be worse," said Harry, shrugging.
They sat there for nearly fifteen minutes before Fred and George finally made their way back down the staircase. Once again, applause greeted their entrance. They both bowed very deeply before climbing on top of their usual table. "Well, this was a very hard decision to make."
"Everyone here is equally evil," George added with his arms outstretched. There were several more cheers here.
"I'm sure you're all anxious and waiting, so let's just get on with this."
"Second place, I am very proud to say, goes to seventh year for offering to test out our Skiving Snacks on Mrs. Norris!" Loud screams erupted from the other side of the common room.
"Yes, yes. We all love the seventh years," Fred began. Angelina beamed. "What I mean is, they are…very big…trouble makers…yeah. First place," he said, changing the subject, "goes to…dramatic pause…"
"Come on already!" Ron yelled.
"Second year dressing Mrs. Norris up as McGonagall!" Ron swore under his breathe as the second years screamed wildly.
"However, we would like to award an honorable mention to Ronikins and the rest of them for suggesting to charm mice to look like Filch."
"Yes!" Ron, Seamus and Dean yelled together.
"No points, though. Sorry bout that," Fred said. Ron groaned.
"Tough luck mate."
"One more thing, of course. Next week, we need the top, let's see…"
"The Top 63 Ways to Annoy Peeves!"
"So, go forth with joy –"
"And find ways that would really put a stopper in Peeves's happiness."
"Is Peeves ever unhappy?"
"Your guess is as good as mine." Then they went off to celebrate with the rest of the seventh years who gratefully welcomed them.
"We should have won," Ron said, turning back to Harry. "Yeah, we should have, but what can ya do?" Harry said.
"Well, let's get to work. For next week we have to have something completely brilliant."
"Alright," Harry replied, gladly pushing his Divination homework aside.
~*~ Did you like it? Was it as good as the Snape one? Personally, I think that Ron and Harry and the rest of the 5th years should have won. That one was my favorite! But that's just the way the story goes.
One more quick way to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris that wouldn't fit in the story: "Give Filch a part in Hogwarts: The Musical. He can be the curtain puller."
Well, you know what to do! I need ways to annoy Peeves! Thank you again to EVERYONE who reviewed/wrote ways to annoy Filch and Mrs. Norris! They were hilarious!!! They all made me madly laugh! Now, however, it is Peeves turn. Other more familiar people that you suggested are going to be the 'buddies' next!
Do you think that we could get over 50 reviews before I update again? That would be so cool! Oh, and if we can get over 100, I'll do a special bonus chapter! K?
Lots of love!
Carmen Willows
PS Once again, I'm sorry it took so long to update, but I'm writing three fan fics at once. So, if you have nothing to do one day, check out one of my other ones. Thanks! Now – clickity, click, click, click!