Disclaimer: Don't own anything, but I'm glad JK Rowling does.
Dedication: This is to EVERYONE who reviewed! I'm so happy with all of them! Thank you for putting a smile on my face. I love making all of you laugh.
Thank you to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Peeves. I really needed it. I'm so so so so sorry that I couldn't put this up sooner, but I got some writer's block concerning the list. Also, I was working on trying to get the lists posted on a Harry Potter web site so that everyone can look at the full lists, but that web site fell down a few days ago. If anyone knows of another site that might like to host the lists, I'd love to know. Perhaps I'll try mugglenet.Hmmm.Anyway, next chapter should be up sooner.
Well, thank you once again to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Peeves. I used examples in this chapter from: Cait-chan1, Insane trio, Maraudersgirl, A Bit of Old Parchment, Sparkles, Jeni, and Nurvilyawen of Imladris. Thank you for all of your help! I was laughing out loud while I was reading them. I could imagine them all happening! You are all so brilliant! I wish that I could thank everyone individually, but I'll save that for the last chapter. Promise! Thank you again.
Enough of my rambling. On with the story!
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE
Chapter 4
Once again, sniggering now followed the four 'buddies' wherever they went, though now that the Gryffindors had a chance to think of ways to humiliate Peeves, Snape received slightly less abuse. However, many people seemed to have a hard time trying to think of ways to annoy Peeves, as he was the one who did most of the annoying. Then there was the fact that he's a ghost, so you couldn't show any signs of physical abuse in the lists. In fact, some people's minds were so blank, that Harry noticed a few first years crouched behind the statue of Boris the Bewildered carefully watching Peeves, hoping that some stroke of brilliance might come to them.
On Saturday night, Ron and Harry were sitting in front of the fire, with ugly toads sitting in front of them. They had been the only ones to receive extra Charms homework that Friday, and they figured that since they had several essays to write over the weekend, they might as well get started.
"But it wasn't our fault we couldn't concentrate," Ron explained, outraged about getting so much homework. "We thought of some other ways to annoy that git Peeves, and we were on a roll! We couldn't stop there!"
As much as Harry disliked getting assignments, he didn't think that Professor Flitwick would accept that answer as a reasonable excuse. So there they were, waving their wands at the toads, trying to get them to sing opera. What bothered Ron the most was that the first day, Hermione had successfully made hers become a very high soprano.
"Why won't this work?" Ron yelled, waving his wand carelessly.
"Hello, fellow Gryffindors!" came a loud voice from the staircase. Surprised, Ron accidentally poked his toad in the eye, which caused it to turn purple, sprout wings and fly out of the open window.
"Nice one, Ron. I see that you're working hard on your homework," George said as the twins passed them.
"Yeah, showing real potential as a failure," Fred added.
Ron mumbled something under his breath and looked up at them and nearly fell backwards into the fire. Harry, too, looked up and gave a small gasp. Fred and George were standing there, talking to them, yet - they didn't seem to have any heads. Possibly seeing their looks of surprise - Harry didn't see how they could, for they didn't have any visible eyes - Fred said, "Don't worry, this is part of our costume." While Ron and Harry stared at them in bewilderment, they turned and ran to their usual table.
"Welcome once again to the Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape contest! This week, we honor Peeves with our insults!"
There was a pause after the finished. Lee Jordan looked around from his group of seventh years and widened his eyes. Then he said with the sense of reciting something memorized, "Fred, George, where on earth are your heads?"
"Why," Fred said, pulling off a feathered hat that was invisible a moment before, "right here!"
"They're on sale, too. Contact one of our representatives."
"You see, we wanted to see what it's like to be invisible -,"
"At least partly invisible -,"
"So we could try to figure dear old Peevesy out."
"What we found is that -,"
"He's a giant see-through git!"
A few laughs followed their jokes.
"Well, now, let's get on to the main attraction." The twins stepped onto the table.
At this several people cheered. Seamus, Dean and Neville along with Parvati and Lavender came to sit near the fire with Harry and Ron. The two girls seemed to be much more involved in the contest after Peeves spilt two bottles of ink over their heads Wednesday morning. The rest of the fifth years were glad of this change, because it seemed to make their list even better. They were now very confident of their list, thinking it their best yet.
Ron went up to the front of the room along with six other people to deliver their parchment to the judges. Once everyone was seated, Fred began, "Thank you. Let's just get going here. We all know that we have lots of joyous homework to get along with. Now, we'll start right off with the sixth years! 'One: When he insults you smile at him, pat him on the head, give him flowers and chocolate and say: That's a good boy.' I'm sure he'd enjoy that. 'Two: Tell him Umbridge passed another decree giving her full control over all of the ghosts.' That would sure annoy him - and me. 'Three: Tell him that pulling pranks is, like, so last year.'"
"Oh, but, it isn't -," George began.
"At least it isn't when we pull pranks. 'Four: Send him a letter from Filch saying, "I know we've always have our differences, but I think we should try and resolve them. Will you marry me?" Be sure to include a little plastic ring.' How sweet. 'After sending the letter, whenever you see Peeves, start humming "Here comes the bride." Six: Whenever you see Filch chasing Peeves, say "Awe, don't they make such a cute couple..." Seven: Worship Filch and Umbridge.' That just wouldn't be very nice to do in the first place. They're not worth wasting perfectly good seconds on. 'Eight: Ask why he always looks so paranoid.' Yeah," Fred said, ruffling the back of his hair, "he does, oddly enough. 'And nine: Make a statue of Peeves and bash it to pieces with a pipe while he's watching you.' That would be fun, too." Every person in the room was smiling if not suppressing giggles as they imagined this.
"Now, let's have the.the first years," George finished as his smile faded slightly.
"Do you think you can handle that, George? I mean, they have been getting better," Fred added with a nod.
"Yeah, I think so. They have a full nine."
"That's a plus."
"Okay, I'll give it a try. Here we go. 'One: Be happy.' Okay, I guess that would work. 'Two: Whenever he insults you, just smile and say, "I'm rubber you're glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." Three: Encourage Filch.' Wasn't there something like that last time? It was the third years or something? Anyway. 'Four: Get him kicked out of Hogwarts. Five: Cast a spell on him that will make him lose his voice.' That would actually annoy him. 'Six: If that doesn't work, cast a spell on him that will make his voice sound very high pitched and girlish.'" At this, he paused for a moment, and to everyone's surprise, he gave a little smile. He soon went on, "'Seven: Tell him that the world would be a better and far more interesting place without him. Eight: Tell him that he's very immature.'"
"Actually, he might take that last one as a compliment."
"'And Nine: Blow raspberries at him."
"Well, you see, George, that wasn't that bad."
"I guess."
"Now, let's have the fifth years!" The area around Harry erupted with noise and yells. "Okay, okay, settle down now. What's this? Look, George, they have seventeen on their list!"
It was true. They had come up with so many things that they thought that it couldn't hurt to have more than required. It would only make everyone else laugh more, even if some of them didn't count.
"Well, as you know, we can only accept the first nine," George began. "But, sure, we'll read the rest."
Fred cleared his throat. "'One: Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of Lysol.'"
"That's because he contaminates everything," George said with a wink.
"Two: Walk a few feet in front of him skipping and throwing flowers in front of anywhere he floats. Three: Follow him around acting, like his best friend and constantly giving full reports of EVERYTHING you do: waking up, yawning, stretching, roll over, ect. Four: Talk to him about your personal life.' Oh, look, dialogue! '"But how could Chris do that to me, Peeves? I spent every night with him and he cheats on me with that Ravenclaw chick! Men, you know what I mean?"'" At this, several people burst out into fits of laughter. "'Pretend you don't understand what he's saying, no matter how much he yells and how slowly he says it. Six: Point and laugh loudly at him in the corridors when he isn't doing anything remotely funny. Seven: Bewitch the suits of armor to say, "Eat dung, Peeves!"'" By this time, even Fred was trying to contain laughter. "'Eight: End every other sentence with ".at least that's what the Bloody Baron told me." Nine: Sit and stare at him for hours. Bring others to join you. Ten: Put a permanent sticking charm on all of the heavy statues and other objects so he can't drop them on top of you.'"
"He would really hate that, you know."
"We did that once, remember? Kept him away from the Potions corridor," Fred said.
"Or maybe he just didn't like Snape, and that's why he never went down there."
"Anyway. On with the humiliation - I mean, the joyful study time. 'Eleven: Torture the first years before he gets a chance to. Twelve: Find some fearless first years to stalk him. Thirteen: Tell him that Lupin is back and ready to send some more bubblegum flying up Peeves' nose. Fourteen: When Peeves starts chucking stuff at you, cast a charm so all the objects follow Peeves around and hit him.' Wouldn't they go right through him?"
"Oh well, it's the thought that counts," George said through spurts of his own laughter.
"Fifteen: Sing, "Oh, most think he's barking, the Peevesy wee lad, but some are more kindly and think he's just sad, but the Gryffindors know better and say that he's mad." Sixteen: Chase him around with a hair dryer.' What's that?"
"Don't know; don't particularly care."
"'And seventeen: Eat peanuts, throwing a few at him. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."' Well, that was very entertaining," Fred said over the noise.
"Now we have last weeks winners: the second years! George would you like to - George? George?" Fred looked around because George was no longer standing on the table with him. A gasp of air was heard, and Fred looked down to see George rolling on the floor in silent laughter.
"Okay," Fred said. "I'll just read this next one. 'One: Ignore him. Two: Get a stuffed cat that resembles Mrs. Norris and bewitch it to follow Peeves around, meowing loudly.' A perminant babysitter. 'Three: Tell him that Umbridge died and is coming to be a ghost at Hogwarts, as an assistant to the Bloody Baron. Four: Send him flowers with a note saying that they are from Moaning Myrtle.' Awe. They make an even better couple than Peeves and Filch. 'Five: Tell Moaning Myrtle that Peeves thinks she's cute. Six: Have a Hogwart's Best Poltergeist contest and don't invite him. Seven: While wearing an invisibility cloak, throw things at him.' Once again, they would just go right through him. 'Eight: Cut off his sugar supply. And nine: Tell him that he would have a very lovely singing voice if only he stopped cackling the words.'"
By this time, George was steadily able to get up with the help of Lee. He climbed up onto the table and took a few deep breaths.
"Welcome back, bro," Fred said, handing him the next list.
"Thank you, glad to be here. Now we have the seventh years!" From the very front of the room came the loudest applause yet. "Yes, we all know that you're wonderful."
"Wait, George," Fred said suddenly, "we're seventh year, too!"
"And that means - we're wonderful! Anyway. Continuing. 'One: Tell him that the Weasley twins cause ten times more trouble than he ever will.'"
"Oh, thank you," Fred said, taking a bow.
"We're touched," George added, wiping away a fake tear. "'Two: Walk around calling him 'Second Best.' Three: Every so often, mumble something about how Fred and George's pranks are better than his.'"
"Oh, and they are."
"Now don't be so modest, dear brother. 'Four: Tell the entire school that Fred and George taught Peeves everything he knows.'"
"Suck ups!" Ron yelled.
"Yes. Yes, they are," Fred said.
"Five: Tell him he's loosing his touch. Six: Give him a kiss."
"Ha!" Fred interrupted. "You can't kiss him, Angelina, because he's not solid!" Everyone stared at him. "Well, he isn't!"
"Continuing on. Tell him that the Bloody Baron wants him to kiss Filch, Snape, all of the Gryffindors.' Now wait a moment. I don't want him kissing me! 'If he talks to you, respond with the words "I know you are, but what am I?" every single time, insult or not. Nine: Strike up a chorus of, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold. A circle's round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend," whenever you see him.'"
"Excellent job demonstrating, once again, how immature you seventh years are!" Fred shouted.
"Well, we're nearing the end now. Let's have the forth years. See if they're any better this week," George said, handing off the parchment.
Fred cleared his throat. "'One: Ignore him.' Sorry, guys, but that one was already used. 'Two: Go around the school in an invisibility Cloak and pretend that you're the Bloody Baron. Three: Ask him how he died. Laugh at him when he tells you.' I'd love to do that one! 'Four: Follow him around the castle, whistling and poking your hand through him. Five: Be nice to Harry.'"
"Oh, the Harry Potter Fan Club is back!"
"'Six: Follow him around the corridors chanting, "I know something you don't know." Seven: Always speak Spanish in front of him. Eight: Follow him around the corridors singing, "I know the most annoying song." And nine: Follow him singing, "We love you, Peeves, oh yes we do. We love you, Peeves, and will be true." and see if he chucks something at you.' Now you know you've used that one every single time."
"And you were doing so well. Now there's one left - and that's the third years." After the applause died down, George began to read the last list. "'One: Tell him that the Bloody Baron thinks he's a git. Two: Trap him in a room with Filch who's singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" and see how long before he cracks.' That's truly brilliant! 'Three: Sing "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music whenever you see him in the halls.' Never heard of it. Oh well. 'Four: Teach him how to sing "My Favorite Things" just as well as Filch sings "It's a Hard Knock Life." Five: While wearing an invisibility cloak, tell Peeves that you're the Bloody Barron, and go into a lengthy discussion about a six-month journey to find buried treasure that he must go on. Laugh when he doesn't appear for half a year and has to go tell the real Bloody Barron that he didn't find any treasure. Six: Tell the Bloody Barron that Peeves has been doing good. Seven: Tell him that the Bloody Baron is your great-great grandfather and see if he acts any nicer to you.'"
"Don't think he would. He hates the living too much."
"Eight: Tell him that the Bloody Baron is now taking orders from Filch. And finally: Wear a bowtie just like his and walk around bumping into walls and throwing random things saying, "Oi, I'm Peeves!"' That would be really fun, actually."
Throughout the entire reading of this list, many people broke out into more fits of giggles, including George.
"Well," said Fred, rolling up the lists, "I'm overall very pleased with how things went today."
"Best yet, I think," George added.
"Yes, we aren't disappointed at all. Not even with the first years."
"Perhaps."
"Yes, well, we'll go back and decide who'll win this time."
"We'll be back sometime before class starts on Tuesday."
"So grab some Wizard Wheezes, cuz you might be here a while." And with identical winks, they retreated up the staircase to the boys dormitories.
"We've got it," Seamus said at once. "There's no way that we aren't going to win. Did you see George laughing during ours?"
Perhaps they would win? Overall, they had the best out of everyone. Harry didn't seem quite in the mood to resume his Charms homework, so he sat and listened to Seamus's hopeful gloating.
Some ten minutes later, Fred and George reentered the common room to find many screams and claps echoing around them.
"Yes, yes, I know," Fred said. "We've already determined that we're brilliant. Thank you, though!"
"Well, we have come to a decision."
"It was very hard, mind you."
"So we hope that you're all pleased."
"Well, they won't be, though, would they, that is if they lost."
"Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be too fun."
"But there is always next week."
"So don't give up hope."
"Everyone still has a chance to be excellent troublemakers!"
"Now," continued George, "let's get right onto the best part - winning!" Several cheers followed.
"Second place goes to the forth years for asking him how he died and then laughing!"
"What do you know," George added, "they can do something without Ginny."
"Though Ginny's was better."
"She's got what it takes."
"And first place and one hundred points goes to -"
"The third years for getting Peeves to go on a never-ending treasure hunt!"
"What!" Several of the fifth years yelled in outrage. However, they were not heard over the commotion that the third years were making.
When the noise died down, George said, "Well, done, everyone."
"Yes, excellent job."
"Now as we said, there is always next week. Our buddie is - wait, Fred, who's our next victim?"
"It's - er - oh, yes! A git if ever there was one."
"Now I remember! Ladies and gentlemen, for next week, we would like you to find the top 56 Ways to Annoy Malfoy!"
Without any more being said, they jumped off of the table and returned to the boy's dormitory.
"That's not right!" Ron complained, slumping down into an armchair. "We should have won!"
Though it was an injustice, Harry couldn't argue himself. It wasn't all bad. Even though they didn't win this time, he'd have a lot of fun humiliating Malfoy.
~*~You know what to do. I need ways to annoy Malfoy - Harry's rival. That chapter should be up sooner, and I'm going to have a lot of fun writing it. He's so awesomely evil. So review! Clickity click click click!
Carmen
Dedication: This is to EVERYONE who reviewed! I'm so happy with all of them! Thank you for putting a smile on my face. I love making all of you laugh.
Thank you to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Peeves. I really needed it. I'm so so so so sorry that I couldn't put this up sooner, but I got some writer's block concerning the list. Also, I was working on trying to get the lists posted on a Harry Potter web site so that everyone can look at the full lists, but that web site fell down a few days ago. If anyone knows of another site that might like to host the lists, I'd love to know. Perhaps I'll try mugglenet.Hmmm.Anyway, next chapter should be up sooner.
Well, thank you once again to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Peeves. I used examples in this chapter from: Cait-chan1, Insane trio, Maraudersgirl, A Bit of Old Parchment, Sparkles, Jeni, and Nurvilyawen of Imladris. Thank you for all of your help! I was laughing out loud while I was reading them. I could imagine them all happening! You are all so brilliant! I wish that I could thank everyone individually, but I'll save that for the last chapter. Promise! Thank you again.
Enough of my rambling. On with the story!
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE
Chapter 4
Once again, sniggering now followed the four 'buddies' wherever they went, though now that the Gryffindors had a chance to think of ways to humiliate Peeves, Snape received slightly less abuse. However, many people seemed to have a hard time trying to think of ways to annoy Peeves, as he was the one who did most of the annoying. Then there was the fact that he's a ghost, so you couldn't show any signs of physical abuse in the lists. In fact, some people's minds were so blank, that Harry noticed a few first years crouched behind the statue of Boris the Bewildered carefully watching Peeves, hoping that some stroke of brilliance might come to them.
On Saturday night, Ron and Harry were sitting in front of the fire, with ugly toads sitting in front of them. They had been the only ones to receive extra Charms homework that Friday, and they figured that since they had several essays to write over the weekend, they might as well get started.
"But it wasn't our fault we couldn't concentrate," Ron explained, outraged about getting so much homework. "We thought of some other ways to annoy that git Peeves, and we were on a roll! We couldn't stop there!"
As much as Harry disliked getting assignments, he didn't think that Professor Flitwick would accept that answer as a reasonable excuse. So there they were, waving their wands at the toads, trying to get them to sing opera. What bothered Ron the most was that the first day, Hermione had successfully made hers become a very high soprano.
"Why won't this work?" Ron yelled, waving his wand carelessly.
"Hello, fellow Gryffindors!" came a loud voice from the staircase. Surprised, Ron accidentally poked his toad in the eye, which caused it to turn purple, sprout wings and fly out of the open window.
"Nice one, Ron. I see that you're working hard on your homework," George said as the twins passed them.
"Yeah, showing real potential as a failure," Fred added.
Ron mumbled something under his breath and looked up at them and nearly fell backwards into the fire. Harry, too, looked up and gave a small gasp. Fred and George were standing there, talking to them, yet - they didn't seem to have any heads. Possibly seeing their looks of surprise - Harry didn't see how they could, for they didn't have any visible eyes - Fred said, "Don't worry, this is part of our costume." While Ron and Harry stared at them in bewilderment, they turned and ran to their usual table.
"Welcome once again to the Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape contest! This week, we honor Peeves with our insults!"
There was a pause after the finished. Lee Jordan looked around from his group of seventh years and widened his eyes. Then he said with the sense of reciting something memorized, "Fred, George, where on earth are your heads?"
"Why," Fred said, pulling off a feathered hat that was invisible a moment before, "right here!"
"They're on sale, too. Contact one of our representatives."
"You see, we wanted to see what it's like to be invisible -,"
"At least partly invisible -,"
"So we could try to figure dear old Peevesy out."
"What we found is that -,"
"He's a giant see-through git!"
A few laughs followed their jokes.
"Well, now, let's get on to the main attraction." The twins stepped onto the table.
At this several people cheered. Seamus, Dean and Neville along with Parvati and Lavender came to sit near the fire with Harry and Ron. The two girls seemed to be much more involved in the contest after Peeves spilt two bottles of ink over their heads Wednesday morning. The rest of the fifth years were glad of this change, because it seemed to make their list even better. They were now very confident of their list, thinking it their best yet.
Ron went up to the front of the room along with six other people to deliver their parchment to the judges. Once everyone was seated, Fred began, "Thank you. Let's just get going here. We all know that we have lots of joyous homework to get along with. Now, we'll start right off with the sixth years! 'One: When he insults you smile at him, pat him on the head, give him flowers and chocolate and say: That's a good boy.' I'm sure he'd enjoy that. 'Two: Tell him Umbridge passed another decree giving her full control over all of the ghosts.' That would sure annoy him - and me. 'Three: Tell him that pulling pranks is, like, so last year.'"
"Oh, but, it isn't -," George began.
"At least it isn't when we pull pranks. 'Four: Send him a letter from Filch saying, "I know we've always have our differences, but I think we should try and resolve them. Will you marry me?" Be sure to include a little plastic ring.' How sweet. 'After sending the letter, whenever you see Peeves, start humming "Here comes the bride." Six: Whenever you see Filch chasing Peeves, say "Awe, don't they make such a cute couple..." Seven: Worship Filch and Umbridge.' That just wouldn't be very nice to do in the first place. They're not worth wasting perfectly good seconds on. 'Eight: Ask why he always looks so paranoid.' Yeah," Fred said, ruffling the back of his hair, "he does, oddly enough. 'And nine: Make a statue of Peeves and bash it to pieces with a pipe while he's watching you.' That would be fun, too." Every person in the room was smiling if not suppressing giggles as they imagined this.
"Now, let's have the.the first years," George finished as his smile faded slightly.
"Do you think you can handle that, George? I mean, they have been getting better," Fred added with a nod.
"Yeah, I think so. They have a full nine."
"That's a plus."
"Okay, I'll give it a try. Here we go. 'One: Be happy.' Okay, I guess that would work. 'Two: Whenever he insults you, just smile and say, "I'm rubber you're glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." Three: Encourage Filch.' Wasn't there something like that last time? It was the third years or something? Anyway. 'Four: Get him kicked out of Hogwarts. Five: Cast a spell on him that will make him lose his voice.' That would actually annoy him. 'Six: If that doesn't work, cast a spell on him that will make his voice sound very high pitched and girlish.'" At this, he paused for a moment, and to everyone's surprise, he gave a little smile. He soon went on, "'Seven: Tell him that the world would be a better and far more interesting place without him. Eight: Tell him that he's very immature.'"
"Actually, he might take that last one as a compliment."
"'And Nine: Blow raspberries at him."
"Well, you see, George, that wasn't that bad."
"I guess."
"Now, let's have the fifth years!" The area around Harry erupted with noise and yells. "Okay, okay, settle down now. What's this? Look, George, they have seventeen on their list!"
It was true. They had come up with so many things that they thought that it couldn't hurt to have more than required. It would only make everyone else laugh more, even if some of them didn't count.
"Well, as you know, we can only accept the first nine," George began. "But, sure, we'll read the rest."
Fred cleared his throat. "'One: Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of Lysol.'"
"That's because he contaminates everything," George said with a wink.
"Two: Walk a few feet in front of him skipping and throwing flowers in front of anywhere he floats. Three: Follow him around acting, like his best friend and constantly giving full reports of EVERYTHING you do: waking up, yawning, stretching, roll over, ect. Four: Talk to him about your personal life.' Oh, look, dialogue! '"But how could Chris do that to me, Peeves? I spent every night with him and he cheats on me with that Ravenclaw chick! Men, you know what I mean?"'" At this, several people burst out into fits of laughter. "'Pretend you don't understand what he's saying, no matter how much he yells and how slowly he says it. Six: Point and laugh loudly at him in the corridors when he isn't doing anything remotely funny. Seven: Bewitch the suits of armor to say, "Eat dung, Peeves!"'" By this time, even Fred was trying to contain laughter. "'Eight: End every other sentence with ".at least that's what the Bloody Baron told me." Nine: Sit and stare at him for hours. Bring others to join you. Ten: Put a permanent sticking charm on all of the heavy statues and other objects so he can't drop them on top of you.'"
"He would really hate that, you know."
"We did that once, remember? Kept him away from the Potions corridor," Fred said.
"Or maybe he just didn't like Snape, and that's why he never went down there."
"Anyway. On with the humiliation - I mean, the joyful study time. 'Eleven: Torture the first years before he gets a chance to. Twelve: Find some fearless first years to stalk him. Thirteen: Tell him that Lupin is back and ready to send some more bubblegum flying up Peeves' nose. Fourteen: When Peeves starts chucking stuff at you, cast a charm so all the objects follow Peeves around and hit him.' Wouldn't they go right through him?"
"Oh well, it's the thought that counts," George said through spurts of his own laughter.
"Fifteen: Sing, "Oh, most think he's barking, the Peevesy wee lad, but some are more kindly and think he's just sad, but the Gryffindors know better and say that he's mad." Sixteen: Chase him around with a hair dryer.' What's that?"
"Don't know; don't particularly care."
"'And seventeen: Eat peanuts, throwing a few at him. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."' Well, that was very entertaining," Fred said over the noise.
"Now we have last weeks winners: the second years! George would you like to - George? George?" Fred looked around because George was no longer standing on the table with him. A gasp of air was heard, and Fred looked down to see George rolling on the floor in silent laughter.
"Okay," Fred said. "I'll just read this next one. 'One: Ignore him. Two: Get a stuffed cat that resembles Mrs. Norris and bewitch it to follow Peeves around, meowing loudly.' A perminant babysitter. 'Three: Tell him that Umbridge died and is coming to be a ghost at Hogwarts, as an assistant to the Bloody Baron. Four: Send him flowers with a note saying that they are from Moaning Myrtle.' Awe. They make an even better couple than Peeves and Filch. 'Five: Tell Moaning Myrtle that Peeves thinks she's cute. Six: Have a Hogwart's Best Poltergeist contest and don't invite him. Seven: While wearing an invisibility cloak, throw things at him.' Once again, they would just go right through him. 'Eight: Cut off his sugar supply. And nine: Tell him that he would have a very lovely singing voice if only he stopped cackling the words.'"
By this time, George was steadily able to get up with the help of Lee. He climbed up onto the table and took a few deep breaths.
"Welcome back, bro," Fred said, handing him the next list.
"Thank you, glad to be here. Now we have the seventh years!" From the very front of the room came the loudest applause yet. "Yes, we all know that you're wonderful."
"Wait, George," Fred said suddenly, "we're seventh year, too!"
"And that means - we're wonderful! Anyway. Continuing. 'One: Tell him that the Weasley twins cause ten times more trouble than he ever will.'"
"Oh, thank you," Fred said, taking a bow.
"We're touched," George added, wiping away a fake tear. "'Two: Walk around calling him 'Second Best.' Three: Every so often, mumble something about how Fred and George's pranks are better than his.'"
"Oh, and they are."
"Now don't be so modest, dear brother. 'Four: Tell the entire school that Fred and George taught Peeves everything he knows.'"
"Suck ups!" Ron yelled.
"Yes. Yes, they are," Fred said.
"Five: Tell him he's loosing his touch. Six: Give him a kiss."
"Ha!" Fred interrupted. "You can't kiss him, Angelina, because he's not solid!" Everyone stared at him. "Well, he isn't!"
"Continuing on. Tell him that the Bloody Baron wants him to kiss Filch, Snape, all of the Gryffindors.' Now wait a moment. I don't want him kissing me! 'If he talks to you, respond with the words "I know you are, but what am I?" every single time, insult or not. Nine: Strike up a chorus of, "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold. A circle's round. It has no end. That's how long I want to be your friend," whenever you see him.'"
"Excellent job demonstrating, once again, how immature you seventh years are!" Fred shouted.
"Well, we're nearing the end now. Let's have the forth years. See if they're any better this week," George said, handing off the parchment.
Fred cleared his throat. "'One: Ignore him.' Sorry, guys, but that one was already used. 'Two: Go around the school in an invisibility Cloak and pretend that you're the Bloody Baron. Three: Ask him how he died. Laugh at him when he tells you.' I'd love to do that one! 'Four: Follow him around the castle, whistling and poking your hand through him. Five: Be nice to Harry.'"
"Oh, the Harry Potter Fan Club is back!"
"'Six: Follow him around the corridors chanting, "I know something you don't know." Seven: Always speak Spanish in front of him. Eight: Follow him around the corridors singing, "I know the most annoying song." And nine: Follow him singing, "We love you, Peeves, oh yes we do. We love you, Peeves, and will be true." and see if he chucks something at you.' Now you know you've used that one every single time."
"And you were doing so well. Now there's one left - and that's the third years." After the applause died down, George began to read the last list. "'One: Tell him that the Bloody Baron thinks he's a git. Two: Trap him in a room with Filch who's singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" and see how long before he cracks.' That's truly brilliant! 'Three: Sing "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music whenever you see him in the halls.' Never heard of it. Oh well. 'Four: Teach him how to sing "My Favorite Things" just as well as Filch sings "It's a Hard Knock Life." Five: While wearing an invisibility cloak, tell Peeves that you're the Bloody Barron, and go into a lengthy discussion about a six-month journey to find buried treasure that he must go on. Laugh when he doesn't appear for half a year and has to go tell the real Bloody Barron that he didn't find any treasure. Six: Tell the Bloody Barron that Peeves has been doing good. Seven: Tell him that the Bloody Baron is your great-great grandfather and see if he acts any nicer to you.'"
"Don't think he would. He hates the living too much."
"Eight: Tell him that the Bloody Baron is now taking orders from Filch. And finally: Wear a bowtie just like his and walk around bumping into walls and throwing random things saying, "Oi, I'm Peeves!"' That would be really fun, actually."
Throughout the entire reading of this list, many people broke out into more fits of giggles, including George.
"Well," said Fred, rolling up the lists, "I'm overall very pleased with how things went today."
"Best yet, I think," George added.
"Yes, we aren't disappointed at all. Not even with the first years."
"Perhaps."
"Yes, well, we'll go back and decide who'll win this time."
"We'll be back sometime before class starts on Tuesday."
"So grab some Wizard Wheezes, cuz you might be here a while." And with identical winks, they retreated up the staircase to the boys dormitories.
"We've got it," Seamus said at once. "There's no way that we aren't going to win. Did you see George laughing during ours?"
Perhaps they would win? Overall, they had the best out of everyone. Harry didn't seem quite in the mood to resume his Charms homework, so he sat and listened to Seamus's hopeful gloating.
Some ten minutes later, Fred and George reentered the common room to find many screams and claps echoing around them.
"Yes, yes, I know," Fred said. "We've already determined that we're brilliant. Thank you, though!"
"Well, we have come to a decision."
"It was very hard, mind you."
"So we hope that you're all pleased."
"Well, they won't be, though, would they, that is if they lost."
"Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be too fun."
"But there is always next week."
"So don't give up hope."
"Everyone still has a chance to be excellent troublemakers!"
"Now," continued George, "let's get right onto the best part - winning!" Several cheers followed.
"Second place goes to the forth years for asking him how he died and then laughing!"
"What do you know," George added, "they can do something without Ginny."
"Though Ginny's was better."
"She's got what it takes."
"And first place and one hundred points goes to -"
"The third years for getting Peeves to go on a never-ending treasure hunt!"
"What!" Several of the fifth years yelled in outrage. However, they were not heard over the commotion that the third years were making.
When the noise died down, George said, "Well, done, everyone."
"Yes, excellent job."
"Now as we said, there is always next week. Our buddie is - wait, Fred, who's our next victim?"
"It's - er - oh, yes! A git if ever there was one."
"Now I remember! Ladies and gentlemen, for next week, we would like you to find the top 56 Ways to Annoy Malfoy!"
Without any more being said, they jumped off of the table and returned to the boy's dormitory.
"That's not right!" Ron complained, slumping down into an armchair. "We should have won!"
Though it was an injustice, Harry couldn't argue himself. It wasn't all bad. Even though they didn't win this time, he'd have a lot of fun humiliating Malfoy.
~*~You know what to do. I need ways to annoy Malfoy - Harry's rival. That chapter should be up sooner, and I'm going to have a lot of fun writing it. He's so awesomely evil. So review! Clickity click click click!
Carmen