Disclaimer: me = nothing *runs away crying*
Dedication: Hmm.Let's see.who should this chapter be dedicated to? All of my reviewers ever!!! I love you!
~*~ Soooooooooooo close to 100.Com on.Thank you so much to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Malfoy. I didn't think that I would get so many. Nearly 150 different ways! I only need 48 for this chapter! Thank you, though. I couldn't use all of them, though it wanted to so! It was so hard to think of new ones that you all haven't thought of. So, this chapter is basically made up of your ideas! Then I added a few things. It was so much fun to write this time. Sorry if I don't mention everyone who's I picked. There were just so many, I couldn't keep track. Well, I'm done. Hope you like it! Happy reading!
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE
Chapter 5
The fifth years were all seated around the fire on Saturday night anxiously awaiting the entrance of Fred and George.
"This is it. We're going to win for sure today," Ron muttered. Harry had to admit, if they did everything on their list to annoy Malfoy, not only would he be annoyed beyond reason, but all of the Gryffindor fifth years would most likely be kicked out of school.
As Harry smiled at the thought of tormenting Malfoy, Ron read over their list for the sixteenth time, muttering to himself.
Parvati leaned to Harry's ear, yet watching Ron reproachfully. "Do you think he's alright?" she asked tentatively.
"The losing streak of ours is really getting to him, isn't it," Dean chimed in.
It was true. Since last Saturday, Ron spent nearly every waking moment devoted to the contest. It was beginning to get a little scary.
"But, hey," Dean said, "At least we'll probably win."
"I wouldn't get your hopes up," Parvati whispered. "Have you seen the points lately?"
A deep booming voice suddenly echoed across the common room. Everyone turned toward the staircase. "In the name of Slytherin, we -"
"Shh! You're not doing it right," came another voice in an audible whisper. "Let me."
"Fine," the first voice answered.
The second voice rang, "In the name of Salazar Slytherin, greatest git of the Hogwarts four, I order everyone to bow down to us!" Two identical figures with bright blond hair appeared at the top of the staircase for a moment before they tripped and tumbled head first down the stairs. After the last thud was heard, Fred and George stood up, blond hair and all. They were greeted by the most cheerful laughter yet.
Staggering slightly, they climbed on top of their table, slipping on a few books here and there.
"Wow, George, that was a fantastic entrance if I do say so myself," Fred said.
"Yes, indeed, Fred. You see," he said turning to the awaiting audience, "It is most helpful when causing mayhem to fully understand your victim."
"Even if that means becoming a blond git." The two of them then turned to the wall opposite and stared at it with their mouths open slightly and a confused expression on their faces.
It was an extremely strange sight, indeed, to see the odd combination of stupidity, cleverness, blond hair, and freckles standing before them in the Gryffindor common room.
They continued to stare off into space for another minute or so. Then Fred said, "All right then. On with the humiliation," and they snapped out of their trance.
Routinely, seven people went to the front of the room, parchment in hand. When everything was collected, Fred said, "So, what is the best way to annoy Malfoy?"
"Dye his hair red and tell him he looks pretty!" Lee Jordan shouted.
With a puzzled look on his face, George bent over the first list and said, "Oddly enough, you didn't write that down."
"Good one, though," Fred added.
"I told you," Lee hissed at the other seventh years.
"Anyway, we'll start with the seventh years," George said as he cleared his throat. "'One: Give him a kiss.'" At this he covered his ears, ready for an explosion from Fred, but it didn't come.
Fred merely grinned at Angelina. "Well, I do have an uncanny resemblance to Malfoy at the moment. So, how about a kiss?" Angelina blushed, and ran up to the front of the room. Fred bent down and she kissed him on the cheek. She returned to her chair followed by an eruption of giggles from her friends.
"Oh, only on the cheek?" George said with a smile as Fred straightened up seeming very pleased with himself.
"I take what I can get," Fred said shrugging.
"Well, as interesting as your love life is, I say we get on with the contest," George said, returning to the list. "'Two: Ask him if he's a natural blond, and say, 'That explains a lot,' when he says yes. Three: Strap him down and wash out all of his hair gel.' Oh, hair jokes. 'Four: Put toothpaste in his hair gel. The next day, say, 'Why, Malfoy, your hair smells minty fresh today!' That's great. Oh, here's one that's not hair- related. 'Tell him you tried to be like him but you couldn't get your head that far up your bum.'"
"Excuse me, but I don't think that is very appropriate for the first years to hear," Fred said, raising his hand.
"I'll allow it," George muttered. "'Six: Give him a perm. Tell him his hair would look so cute all bouncy-like. Seven: Use polyjuice potion to turn your self into Crabbe, run up to Malfoy and hug him and say 'I love you! I always have!' And eight: Get Snape fired and Hagrid a pay raise.'"
"Yes!" Lee shouted.
"Hagrid does disserve one, too," George nodded with confidence.
"Well, that was very nice. Let's have the sixth years now. 'One: Tell him that if he looks really close, he'll discover that he's his own uncle.'" Fred snorted with laughter. "Maybe that's why he's slightly deformed," he spluttered. "Okay. 'Two: Mess up his hair. Three: Ask him when he and Snape set the date. Four: Tell dumb blonde jokes rather loudly and obnoxiously whenever he passes.' Oh, how nice. Blond jokes. 'Five: Charm Gummy Bears to follow him around singing 'Another Dumb Blonde' Six: Ask him just how big his house is, then while he's talking, stare at his hair and then say 'Oh I'm sorry, are you still talking? It's just your hair... I can practically see myself reflected in it. How much gel do you use anyway?'"
"Let me do some," George said. "'Seven: Tell him his roots are showing. And Eight: Tell him he has split ends from dying his hair so much."
"Really?" Fred asked in a concerned way, looking at his own hair.
George turned toward him. "Please tell me your joking."
"My hair won't be pretty with split ends though," Fred muttered, frowning and pealing two pieces of hair apart.
"Okay, this is just too weird, even for me" he said. He pulled out his wand, tapped his head, and a bright red color spread across the blond. Within a second, there wasn't a trace of blond hair on his head. He turned to Fred who was attempting to see how a single strand of hair would look in different lighting. "Do you need some help?"
"I think I'll keep it like this for a while. See how it glistens?"
George was stunned. "Okay. Maybe you need a timeout until you can think more clearly. Sit down. I said - sit." And Fred sat down on the bench next to the table, all the time fiddling with his hair. "Well then, let's just go on. Fourth years. "'One: Whenever Malfoy says something about Gryffindors, say, "You only insult what you love." Two: Draw a scar on his forehead while he's sleeping.' And the Harry Potter Fan Club is back! 'Three: Wear I Love Harry Potter badges.' Haven't seen that one in a while. 'Four: Put a permanent sticking charm on I Love Harry Potter badges, and put them on all of the Slytherin's foreheads. Five: Call him a 'Harry Potter Wannabe.' Six: When he asks why everyone likes Harry better than him, answer, "Well, there were all of those times when he beat you at quiditch, gave you detention, got you scared."' And many others. 'Seven: Cast a spell on Crabbe and Goyle to sing Harry's praises at every possible moment. Eight: Talk loudly about how Mad-Eye Moody is returning to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and how thrilled he is about the "no transfiguring students" rule being abolished.' Well that was fun. Better now, Fred?" he asked, turning to his brother.
Fred was now sitting on the floor with several girls around him. "You're hair is just so long and flowy. I'm so jealous," Fred said, braiding a sixth year's hair.
"Okay," George said, jumping off the table and pulling Fred to his feet. "This is just - scary. This is for your own good, you know." With a tap of his wand, Fred's hair became flaming red once more.
Fred looked shocked for a moment as he slowly looked around him. "What just happened?" he asked tentatively.
"Trust me, you don't want to know."
Fred shrugged and grabbed the next parchment. They walked up onto the table once more. "First years now. 'One: Tell him that Harry got transferred to Slytherin.'"
"Typical," George muttered.
"'Two: Tell him that there's a rumor that he's engaged to Hermione.'"
"Hermione won't like that."
"'Tell him he got transferred to Gryffindor.'"
"Not creative in the slightest."
"'Call him Dracie-poo.'"
"Oh, daring!" George said.
"'Five: Tell him that Umbridge went to Azkaban along with Snape.'" At this the entire hall rang in approval.
"Down with Umbridge!" George shouted.
"It wouldn't be so bad if she took Snape down with her, either. 'Six: Change the Slytherin colors to green and pink. Seven: Dye his hair red and gold. And eight: Put poison in the sweets that he gets from home.' Well, technically he would be dead before he could be annoyed."
"But that works," George said with approval.
"Now, fifth years!"
"Yes!" Ron said under his breath.
"'One,'" George began, "'Slip three-hundred ferrets into the Slytherin common room. Two: Steal his wand, snap it in half, and send it to him for Christmas.' What a nice present. 'Tell him that Ron's wand isn't broken any more, unlike his own, and he should watch who he's calling a Mudblood unless he wants to burp up slugs.' I remember that. How pleasant. 'Four: Pass out tickets to see Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing Ferret. Five: Have Dobby go in front of the school and start telling all of the embarrassing things about Malfoy that he knows...'Oh yes, Dobby had to change Malfoy's sheets a lot, the young master was always wetting the bed...''" Ron smirked from across the room as Fred and George laughed outright. "Think we could really do that? How perfect! 'Six: Get Polyjuice Potion to Snape's specifications and take 200 points from Slytherin for 'offensive body odor.' Seven: While talking with him, stare at the middle of his forehead. Stare at it first very confused, then scared, then intrigued, offended, awed, then laugh openly. Eventually he'll forget what he was saying and lose his train of though.' That would be so excellent." At that moment the twins looked up with the blank expression on their faces. They came back to reality with a few laughs. "Okay, let's see what the last one is. 'Buy a pink teddy bear and sent it to him with a howler. Charm your voice so it sounds like his mother's and yell: HOW DARE YOU FORGET THIS? DID YOU FORGET THAT WITHOUT THIS YOU CAN'T SLEEP? I DON'T WANT MY BABY TO STAY WITHOUT HIS BEAUTY SLEEP! AND YOUR FATHER WAS THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT JUST FOR OUR SWEET ANGEL! SO BE A GOOD BOY AND DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR EVERY DAY! That's my sweetie!' Oh, he'd be our sweetie too if we could see that happen."
The entire hall echoed with laughter. "Let's keep going," Fred said. "Third year. 'One: Curse him to sing 'Dancing Queen' in front of the entire school. Make sure there is a dance routine involved.' Excellent. More singing. 'Tell Crabbe and Goyle that you'll give them each a muffin if they ditch Malfoy.' Hmm. Muffins. 'Three: Have multiple females attach themselves to Dobby and walk past Malfoy saying how much sexier he is than Malfoy. Tell him that Dobby's a real man.' Ah, another one with our friend Dobby in it. 'Four: Slip Veritaserum into his pumpkin juice at breakfast and ask him highly incriminating questions about his dad being a Death Eater, and of course, which hair dye and gel he uses. Five: Send him an anonymous love letter, and bribe Eloise Midgeon to wink at him and grin flirtingly when he reads the letter.' Now that's just mean. 'Six: Give him a white ferret and tell him it looks just like him. Seven: Charm a stuffed ferret to follow him around (when hexed the ferret replicates at an exponential rate) and the masses of ferrets continue to follow him. Eight: Transform his wand into a portkey so that he teleports into a Peruvian Vipertooth Dragon reservation.' That would be fun to watch." Fred trod on the spot with his arms in the air screaming, "Help me, my hair's caught on fire!"
After the laughter for this died down, Lee Jordan made his way up to the front and whispered something into George's ear.
"Ladies and gentlemen," George said, "We have just been informed that some people took offense to our previous statements about blonds. It must be known - that I am not to be held responsible for Fred's actions."
"Hey!" Fred said. "You're the one who put that spell on me in the first place!"
"Okay, then, I am held responsible for my brother's actions, but please know that we are not making fun of all blonds, just ones named Malfoy."
"Here, here!" Lee said.
"Well, let's read the last list, the second years. 'One: Tamper with his dinner and when he pokes his fork into the food, make it sing, 'Do you really want to hurt me? OW! Do you really want to make me cry?'' Very creative," George said, nodding. "'Two: Use polyjuice potion to turn into one of his cronies and follow him around. Flirt with him and kiss him.' I think something to that extent has already been mentioned, but sure! 'Three: Dye his hair and clothes the Gryffindor colors.' That's been done also. Liked the first one, though. 'Four: Ask him for makeup and hairstyling types.' There we go. 'Five: Tell them that all seven of the Holyhead Harpies will kiss him if he alone killed a full grown Hungarian Horntail Dragon.'" Once again, Fred put on his impression of Malfoy screaming with his head on fire. "'Six: Tell him that he's the prettiest girl at Hogwarts. Seven: Have a first year muggleborn run up to him yelling, 'How's my best friend in the whole wide world doing?' and give him a big hug. Eight: Find a picture of him as a child with some embarrassing childhood comfort toy, and doctor it to make it pink (if it already isn't). Then stick it up above the teacher's table with a permanent sticking charm.' How sweet - pink."
By this time the common room was full of nothing but smiles and laughter.
"This is a really tough round to judge."
"Yes, it is, George."
"Well, we'll be back in three minutes and thirty seconds," Fred said with a wink. With that, they left up the stairs.
While the rest of the hall erupted into joyous chatter, the fifth years remained silent. If they didn't win, Ron would be likely to crack, and they didn't want to get him hopes up.
Several minutes later, Fred and George came down the stairs - this time walking, not falling.
"I have to say that this is one of the best chapters yet!" Fred shouted to get everyone's attention. The sound of clapping filled the hall.
"As always, it was a very hard to decide who should win."
"But we managed."
"We all know that we have to get onto our lives -"
"That is those of us who have lives -"
"So we'll just get to the point. Third place goes to -"
"Bum, bum, bum!"
"Second year for finding the embarrassing picture of Malfoy and graciously letting the whole school see it!"
"And first place goes to -third year for telling Malfoy that Dobby's a real man." The third years' cries of happiness echoed through the common room.
Ron swore loudly, but could not be heard over the shouts from the sixth years' side of the hall.
Once the noise died down, Fred said, "So, the points are now second year - 150 points, seventh year - 100, fourth year - 150, third year - 200 points, fifth, sixth and first - none, sorry 'bout that."
"So now, I expect you want us to tell you who our next buddy is," George said.
"Well, let's see, we've had two Slytherins, a ghost, and a rotten squib. So we've decided to switch things around a bit."
"That's right. Next week, we're going to be annoying our dear Professor McGonagall." He bowed his head as several people clapped with approval.
"Happy writing!" Fred said waving.
Harry looked over at Ron. There was a determined look in his eye as he took a spare quill and began scratching on a piece of parchment.
~*~ Well, that was fun. Yes? No? Funny or just sad? Well, you know what to do! Love, Carmen
PS Really quick - Thanks to everyone who reads The Mystery of Stone Mansion and wished me a happy birthday - it was last week. You're so awesome!
A last minute addition: Another way to annoy Malfoy: Give him a part in Hogwarts: The Musical singing "Dancing Queen" AND "I Feel Pretty."
Dedication: Hmm.Let's see.who should this chapter be dedicated to? All of my reviewers ever!!! I love you!
~*~ Soooooooooooo close to 100.Com on.Thank you so much to everyone who sent in ways to annoy Malfoy. I didn't think that I would get so many. Nearly 150 different ways! I only need 48 for this chapter! Thank you, though. I couldn't use all of them, though it wanted to so! It was so hard to think of new ones that you all haven't thought of. So, this chapter is basically made up of your ideas! Then I added a few things. It was so much fun to write this time. Sorry if I don't mention everyone who's I picked. There were just so many, I couldn't keep track. Well, I'm done. Hope you like it! Happy reading!
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPE
Chapter 5
The fifth years were all seated around the fire on Saturday night anxiously awaiting the entrance of Fred and George.
"This is it. We're going to win for sure today," Ron muttered. Harry had to admit, if they did everything on their list to annoy Malfoy, not only would he be annoyed beyond reason, but all of the Gryffindor fifth years would most likely be kicked out of school.
As Harry smiled at the thought of tormenting Malfoy, Ron read over their list for the sixteenth time, muttering to himself.
Parvati leaned to Harry's ear, yet watching Ron reproachfully. "Do you think he's alright?" she asked tentatively.
"The losing streak of ours is really getting to him, isn't it," Dean chimed in.
It was true. Since last Saturday, Ron spent nearly every waking moment devoted to the contest. It was beginning to get a little scary.
"But, hey," Dean said, "At least we'll probably win."
"I wouldn't get your hopes up," Parvati whispered. "Have you seen the points lately?"
A deep booming voice suddenly echoed across the common room. Everyone turned toward the staircase. "In the name of Slytherin, we -"
"Shh! You're not doing it right," came another voice in an audible whisper. "Let me."
"Fine," the first voice answered.
The second voice rang, "In the name of Salazar Slytherin, greatest git of the Hogwarts four, I order everyone to bow down to us!" Two identical figures with bright blond hair appeared at the top of the staircase for a moment before they tripped and tumbled head first down the stairs. After the last thud was heard, Fred and George stood up, blond hair and all. They were greeted by the most cheerful laughter yet.
Staggering slightly, they climbed on top of their table, slipping on a few books here and there.
"Wow, George, that was a fantastic entrance if I do say so myself," Fred said.
"Yes, indeed, Fred. You see," he said turning to the awaiting audience, "It is most helpful when causing mayhem to fully understand your victim."
"Even if that means becoming a blond git." The two of them then turned to the wall opposite and stared at it with their mouths open slightly and a confused expression on their faces.
It was an extremely strange sight, indeed, to see the odd combination of stupidity, cleverness, blond hair, and freckles standing before them in the Gryffindor common room.
They continued to stare off into space for another minute or so. Then Fred said, "All right then. On with the humiliation," and they snapped out of their trance.
Routinely, seven people went to the front of the room, parchment in hand. When everything was collected, Fred said, "So, what is the best way to annoy Malfoy?"
"Dye his hair red and tell him he looks pretty!" Lee Jordan shouted.
With a puzzled look on his face, George bent over the first list and said, "Oddly enough, you didn't write that down."
"Good one, though," Fred added.
"I told you," Lee hissed at the other seventh years.
"Anyway, we'll start with the seventh years," George said as he cleared his throat. "'One: Give him a kiss.'" At this he covered his ears, ready for an explosion from Fred, but it didn't come.
Fred merely grinned at Angelina. "Well, I do have an uncanny resemblance to Malfoy at the moment. So, how about a kiss?" Angelina blushed, and ran up to the front of the room. Fred bent down and she kissed him on the cheek. She returned to her chair followed by an eruption of giggles from her friends.
"Oh, only on the cheek?" George said with a smile as Fred straightened up seeming very pleased with himself.
"I take what I can get," Fred said shrugging.
"Well, as interesting as your love life is, I say we get on with the contest," George said, returning to the list. "'Two: Ask him if he's a natural blond, and say, 'That explains a lot,' when he says yes. Three: Strap him down and wash out all of his hair gel.' Oh, hair jokes. 'Four: Put toothpaste in his hair gel. The next day, say, 'Why, Malfoy, your hair smells minty fresh today!' That's great. Oh, here's one that's not hair- related. 'Tell him you tried to be like him but you couldn't get your head that far up your bum.'"
"Excuse me, but I don't think that is very appropriate for the first years to hear," Fred said, raising his hand.
"I'll allow it," George muttered. "'Six: Give him a perm. Tell him his hair would look so cute all bouncy-like. Seven: Use polyjuice potion to turn your self into Crabbe, run up to Malfoy and hug him and say 'I love you! I always have!' And eight: Get Snape fired and Hagrid a pay raise.'"
"Yes!" Lee shouted.
"Hagrid does disserve one, too," George nodded with confidence.
"Well, that was very nice. Let's have the sixth years now. 'One: Tell him that if he looks really close, he'll discover that he's his own uncle.'" Fred snorted with laughter. "Maybe that's why he's slightly deformed," he spluttered. "Okay. 'Two: Mess up his hair. Three: Ask him when he and Snape set the date. Four: Tell dumb blonde jokes rather loudly and obnoxiously whenever he passes.' Oh, how nice. Blond jokes. 'Five: Charm Gummy Bears to follow him around singing 'Another Dumb Blonde' Six: Ask him just how big his house is, then while he's talking, stare at his hair and then say 'Oh I'm sorry, are you still talking? It's just your hair... I can practically see myself reflected in it. How much gel do you use anyway?'"
"Let me do some," George said. "'Seven: Tell him his roots are showing. And Eight: Tell him he has split ends from dying his hair so much."
"Really?" Fred asked in a concerned way, looking at his own hair.
George turned toward him. "Please tell me your joking."
"My hair won't be pretty with split ends though," Fred muttered, frowning and pealing two pieces of hair apart.
"Okay, this is just too weird, even for me" he said. He pulled out his wand, tapped his head, and a bright red color spread across the blond. Within a second, there wasn't a trace of blond hair on his head. He turned to Fred who was attempting to see how a single strand of hair would look in different lighting. "Do you need some help?"
"I think I'll keep it like this for a while. See how it glistens?"
George was stunned. "Okay. Maybe you need a timeout until you can think more clearly. Sit down. I said - sit." And Fred sat down on the bench next to the table, all the time fiddling with his hair. "Well then, let's just go on. Fourth years. "'One: Whenever Malfoy says something about Gryffindors, say, "You only insult what you love." Two: Draw a scar on his forehead while he's sleeping.' And the Harry Potter Fan Club is back! 'Three: Wear I Love Harry Potter badges.' Haven't seen that one in a while. 'Four: Put a permanent sticking charm on I Love Harry Potter badges, and put them on all of the Slytherin's foreheads. Five: Call him a 'Harry Potter Wannabe.' Six: When he asks why everyone likes Harry better than him, answer, "Well, there were all of those times when he beat you at quiditch, gave you detention, got you scared."' And many others. 'Seven: Cast a spell on Crabbe and Goyle to sing Harry's praises at every possible moment. Eight: Talk loudly about how Mad-Eye Moody is returning to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and how thrilled he is about the "no transfiguring students" rule being abolished.' Well that was fun. Better now, Fred?" he asked, turning to his brother.
Fred was now sitting on the floor with several girls around him. "You're hair is just so long and flowy. I'm so jealous," Fred said, braiding a sixth year's hair.
"Okay," George said, jumping off the table and pulling Fred to his feet. "This is just - scary. This is for your own good, you know." With a tap of his wand, Fred's hair became flaming red once more.
Fred looked shocked for a moment as he slowly looked around him. "What just happened?" he asked tentatively.
"Trust me, you don't want to know."
Fred shrugged and grabbed the next parchment. They walked up onto the table once more. "First years now. 'One: Tell him that Harry got transferred to Slytherin.'"
"Typical," George muttered.
"'Two: Tell him that there's a rumor that he's engaged to Hermione.'"
"Hermione won't like that."
"'Tell him he got transferred to Gryffindor.'"
"Not creative in the slightest."
"'Call him Dracie-poo.'"
"Oh, daring!" George said.
"'Five: Tell him that Umbridge went to Azkaban along with Snape.'" At this the entire hall rang in approval.
"Down with Umbridge!" George shouted.
"It wouldn't be so bad if she took Snape down with her, either. 'Six: Change the Slytherin colors to green and pink. Seven: Dye his hair red and gold. And eight: Put poison in the sweets that he gets from home.' Well, technically he would be dead before he could be annoyed."
"But that works," George said with approval.
"Now, fifth years!"
"Yes!" Ron said under his breath.
"'One,'" George began, "'Slip three-hundred ferrets into the Slytherin common room. Two: Steal his wand, snap it in half, and send it to him for Christmas.' What a nice present. 'Tell him that Ron's wand isn't broken any more, unlike his own, and he should watch who he's calling a Mudblood unless he wants to burp up slugs.' I remember that. How pleasant. 'Four: Pass out tickets to see Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing Ferret. Five: Have Dobby go in front of the school and start telling all of the embarrassing things about Malfoy that he knows...'Oh yes, Dobby had to change Malfoy's sheets a lot, the young master was always wetting the bed...''" Ron smirked from across the room as Fred and George laughed outright. "Think we could really do that? How perfect! 'Six: Get Polyjuice Potion to Snape's specifications and take 200 points from Slytherin for 'offensive body odor.' Seven: While talking with him, stare at the middle of his forehead. Stare at it first very confused, then scared, then intrigued, offended, awed, then laugh openly. Eventually he'll forget what he was saying and lose his train of though.' That would be so excellent." At that moment the twins looked up with the blank expression on their faces. They came back to reality with a few laughs. "Okay, let's see what the last one is. 'Buy a pink teddy bear and sent it to him with a howler. Charm your voice so it sounds like his mother's and yell: HOW DARE YOU FORGET THIS? DID YOU FORGET THAT WITHOUT THIS YOU CAN'T SLEEP? I DON'T WANT MY BABY TO STAY WITHOUT HIS BEAUTY SLEEP! AND YOUR FATHER WAS THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT JUST FOR OUR SWEET ANGEL! SO BE A GOOD BOY AND DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR EVERY DAY! That's my sweetie!' Oh, he'd be our sweetie too if we could see that happen."
The entire hall echoed with laughter. "Let's keep going," Fred said. "Third year. 'One: Curse him to sing 'Dancing Queen' in front of the entire school. Make sure there is a dance routine involved.' Excellent. More singing. 'Tell Crabbe and Goyle that you'll give them each a muffin if they ditch Malfoy.' Hmm. Muffins. 'Three: Have multiple females attach themselves to Dobby and walk past Malfoy saying how much sexier he is than Malfoy. Tell him that Dobby's a real man.' Ah, another one with our friend Dobby in it. 'Four: Slip Veritaserum into his pumpkin juice at breakfast and ask him highly incriminating questions about his dad being a Death Eater, and of course, which hair dye and gel he uses. Five: Send him an anonymous love letter, and bribe Eloise Midgeon to wink at him and grin flirtingly when he reads the letter.' Now that's just mean. 'Six: Give him a white ferret and tell him it looks just like him. Seven: Charm a stuffed ferret to follow him around (when hexed the ferret replicates at an exponential rate) and the masses of ferrets continue to follow him. Eight: Transform his wand into a portkey so that he teleports into a Peruvian Vipertooth Dragon reservation.' That would be fun to watch." Fred trod on the spot with his arms in the air screaming, "Help me, my hair's caught on fire!"
After the laughter for this died down, Lee Jordan made his way up to the front and whispered something into George's ear.
"Ladies and gentlemen," George said, "We have just been informed that some people took offense to our previous statements about blonds. It must be known - that I am not to be held responsible for Fred's actions."
"Hey!" Fred said. "You're the one who put that spell on me in the first place!"
"Okay, then, I am held responsible for my brother's actions, but please know that we are not making fun of all blonds, just ones named Malfoy."
"Here, here!" Lee said.
"Well, let's read the last list, the second years. 'One: Tamper with his dinner and when he pokes his fork into the food, make it sing, 'Do you really want to hurt me? OW! Do you really want to make me cry?'' Very creative," George said, nodding. "'Two: Use polyjuice potion to turn into one of his cronies and follow him around. Flirt with him and kiss him.' I think something to that extent has already been mentioned, but sure! 'Three: Dye his hair and clothes the Gryffindor colors.' That's been done also. Liked the first one, though. 'Four: Ask him for makeup and hairstyling types.' There we go. 'Five: Tell them that all seven of the Holyhead Harpies will kiss him if he alone killed a full grown Hungarian Horntail Dragon.'" Once again, Fred put on his impression of Malfoy screaming with his head on fire. "'Six: Tell him that he's the prettiest girl at Hogwarts. Seven: Have a first year muggleborn run up to him yelling, 'How's my best friend in the whole wide world doing?' and give him a big hug. Eight: Find a picture of him as a child with some embarrassing childhood comfort toy, and doctor it to make it pink (if it already isn't). Then stick it up above the teacher's table with a permanent sticking charm.' How sweet - pink."
By this time the common room was full of nothing but smiles and laughter.
"This is a really tough round to judge."
"Yes, it is, George."
"Well, we'll be back in three minutes and thirty seconds," Fred said with a wink. With that, they left up the stairs.
While the rest of the hall erupted into joyous chatter, the fifth years remained silent. If they didn't win, Ron would be likely to crack, and they didn't want to get him hopes up.
Several minutes later, Fred and George came down the stairs - this time walking, not falling.
"I have to say that this is one of the best chapters yet!" Fred shouted to get everyone's attention. The sound of clapping filled the hall.
"As always, it was a very hard to decide who should win."
"But we managed."
"We all know that we have to get onto our lives -"
"That is those of us who have lives -"
"So we'll just get to the point. Third place goes to -"
"Bum, bum, bum!"
"Second year for finding the embarrassing picture of Malfoy and graciously letting the whole school see it!"
"And first place goes to -third year for telling Malfoy that Dobby's a real man." The third years' cries of happiness echoed through the common room.
Ron swore loudly, but could not be heard over the shouts from the sixth years' side of the hall.
Once the noise died down, Fred said, "So, the points are now second year - 150 points, seventh year - 100, fourth year - 150, third year - 200 points, fifth, sixth and first - none, sorry 'bout that."
"So now, I expect you want us to tell you who our next buddy is," George said.
"Well, let's see, we've had two Slytherins, a ghost, and a rotten squib. So we've decided to switch things around a bit."
"That's right. Next week, we're going to be annoying our dear Professor McGonagall." He bowed his head as several people clapped with approval.
"Happy writing!" Fred said waving.
Harry looked over at Ron. There was a determined look in his eye as he took a spare quill and began scratching on a piece of parchment.
~*~ Well, that was fun. Yes? No? Funny or just sad? Well, you know what to do! Love, Carmen
PS Really quick - Thanks to everyone who reads The Mystery of Stone Mansion and wished me a happy birthday - it was last week. You're so awesome!
A last minute addition: Another way to annoy Malfoy: Give him a part in Hogwarts: The Musical singing "Dancing Queen" AND "I Feel Pretty."