Part 2 – The Cue is Silent
Colonel Klink put down the last of the comic books and sighed. "So what are we waiting for, Hogan?" he asked.
Hogan sipped a cup of coffee while reading the MAD magazine. He shrugged. "I'm not sure," he said. "It is kind of boring around here right now."
"So what are we waiting for, Hogan?" Klink asked again.
Hogan put down his coffee cup and turned around in his chair. "Hey!" he said loudly. "You with the cue cards! Come on, keep up with us. Old Klink here is repeating his lines."
The stage hand with the cue cards smiled apologetically. He looked at his cards, shuffled a few and then held them up for all to see.
"That's better," Hogan said.
Klink sighed. "What is the point of this inane story anyway?" he asked the American Colonel.
Hogan shrugged. "You got me," he said. "The title says something about the revenge of something called a Plot Bunny."
At that moment, the door to the barracks opened and Major Wolfgang Hochstetter entered. "Aha Hogan!" he exclaimed. "I finally have you. I will get my revenge on you now!"
Hogan laughed. "Hi Major," he said. "You want some coffee?"
"BAH!" Hochstetter cried. Then he stopped, shaking his head. "Cripes, is that all I ever get to say? Just one time I would like to be able to have a witty and coherent remark."
"Sorry Major," Hogan said. "Those are reserved for the regulars. As a guest star, you aren't eligible for anything but stale clichés and catch phrases."
"But I'm a recurring character," Hochstetter said. "Surely I rate an intelligent line or two every once and a while."
Hogan shook his head. "No, union rules," he said. "And don't call me Shirley."
"Aw blimey," Newkirk exclaimed. "I think this crazy writer has been watching the movie Airplane! again. That's the second bad joke he's stolen from it already."
Kinch nodded. "It does seem that way," he said.
Hochstetter cleared his throat loudly. "May I continue please?" he asked. Everyone nodded. Hochstetter began screaming again. "Hogan, I will have my revenge on you this time! Your head will roll!"
Hogan looked at Klink and they both chuckled. "Sorry Wolfie," Hogan remarked. "You misread the title. It doesn't say The Revenge of Major Hochstetter, it says Plot Bunny."
Hochstetter looked confused. "Really?" he asked tentatively.
Hogan pointed to the title at the top of the story. Hochstetter looked and shook his head. "Well I'll be darned," he muttered. "It does say that."
"Yea Major, and let me tell you boy, um sir, you don't look much like a Plot Bunny to me!" Carter said excitedly.
"Carter, that's enough," Hogan said.
"Yes sir," Carter replied. "Sorry sir."
"Why don't you take a walk out in the compound," Hogan said.
"Why sir? Is there something out there you want me to spy on for you?" Carter asked eagerly.
Hogan shook his head. "No," he said. "But you're due to run into the barracks again at the beginning of the next chapter, so you'd better be outside of the barracks. We don't want to give this writer fellow any excuse to introduce a major plot gaffe into the story." Carter nodded and headed for the door.
"Colonel Hogan, isn't this whole story just one gigantic plot gaffe?" Klink asked.
"Good point," Hogan replied. "Still, every little bit helps."
"So true," Klink said, looking at the walls of the barracks. "Hogan, why is it that, with the exception of the first chapter of the last inane story, all the action takes place in this barracks?"
"Cheap writer," Hogan replied. "Also extremely lazy."
"I don't follow," Klink replied.
"It's simple really," Hogan explained. "You see, if we stay here, the scenery doesn't have to be described. The whole story is just little snippets of action, like the barracks door slamming open and Carter running in breathless."
At that moment, the barracks door slammed open and Carter ran into the room breathless.
Hogan looked at the man. "Not yet Carter," Hogan said showing his dismay. "You're supposed to do that at the beginning of NEXT chapter."
"But ... I ... heard ..." Carter gasped.
"You heard me explaining something to Klink," Hogan said. "Now get back out there and don't come in until I tell you to!"
"Yes sir," Carter replied. "Boy, you try to do something right around here, and you get sent outside," he muttered to himself.
"Now where were we?" Hogan asked.
"You were explaining why we are stuck in this barracks for the duration of this inane story," Klink replied.
"Oh yes, I remember now," Hogan said. "You see, if things were to take place in other settings, the writer would have to spend time setting up the scene so that the reader would understand what is going on."
"But Hogan, I'm IN the scene and I don't even understand what is going on!" Klink said. "How can we expect the poor readers to make heads or tails of this?"
Hogan shrugged. "Beats me," he replied. "I just do what they tell me, say what they tell me and wear what they tell me. And even that last one is pretty confusing at times."
"What do you mean by that?" Klink asked. "You're wardrobe can't be too confusing. You usually just wear that black jacket you have on now."
The barracks door opened and a woman stuck her head into the barracks. "It's not black, it's brown!" she exclaimed.
"Madam, I assure you," Hogan said, "that I know the color of my clothes. And my jacket is black."
"No, it is brown," the woman said again. "It's always been brown."
Hogan shook his head. "I've been wearing this jacket for a long time, and I am telling you it's ..." Hogan was interrupted before he could continue.
"Brown," the woman said. "And if you keep insisting it is black, I just might leave you in that ravine!"
"You do raise a good point," Hogan said. "Like I was saying, my jacket is brown."
The woman smiled. "That's better," she said and closed the barracks door.
Klink looked at Hogan. "So what are we waiting for, Hogan?" he asked.
"Nothing now," Hogan replied.
Klink looked at him with a confused look on his face. "Why not?" he asked.
"Because you're reading the first cue card of this chapter again, so that means that this chapter is over," Hogan replied.
"Thank heavens!" Klink said.