Part 3 – Cliffhanger

Hogan and Klink were still sitting at the table, talking about how nice it was to have a few scenes without the others in it.

"Hey, I resent that remark!" shouted Le Beau.

"Right, me too," agreed Newkirk. "You bloody fool writer better not exclude us too much, if you know what's good for you."

"Just think how I feel," Baker said.

"Hey Baker, when did you get here?" Le Beau asked.

"Just this chapter," Baker replied. "It's bad for me because I only appear in parts where Kinch doesn't."

"Really? I never noticed," Newkirk said.

"Sure," Baker retorted. "Have you ever seen the two of us together on a mission?" Le Beau and Newkirk both shook their heads. "See, I don't get to do much." Then Baker turned to the man behind the screen. "And you, you literary idiot of a writer. Just how DOES one retort? Huh? I didn't think you knew."

"Baker, calm down," Le Beau said. "At least he doesn't have you sighing or muttering or even appearing in strange costumes like General Burkhalter."

Hogan looked over sharply from the table. "Le Beau!" he shouted. "You know better than to mention that man's name in one of HIS stories!"

"Sorry Colonel," Le Beau said.

At that moment, Carter burst through the door and strolled over to the table where Hogan and Klink were sitting. He feigned a few heavy puffs.

"Carter, you're supposed to be out of breath after bursting in here," Hogan said.

"I know, but it hardly seems worth the effort," Carter replied.

Hogan rubbed his eyes and looked at Carter. Then he looked at Klink. "Did you see that?" he asked the German.

Klink thought for a moment. "I think so, but I couldn't be sure," he replied.

Hogan turned back to Carter. "Say something else, Carter," Hogan requested.

Carter looked at the two Colonel's sitting at the table as if they had lost their mind. After all, he thought, in a story like this one, it's very plausible.

Hogan was impatient. "Carter!" he yelled. "Stop thinking and say something. And besides, you never say plausible so you shouldn't use it in your thoughts either!"

"Oh, sorry Colonel," Carter said. "What do you want me to say?"

Hogan stared at Carter with his mouth agape. Agape? Thought Hogan. When do I ever have my mouth agape?

Klink cleared his throat. "Colonel Hogan," he said. "I suggest that we move on with this scene and not spend too much time with useless thought dialog."

Hogan jolted himself. "I agree Kommandant," he replied. "But did you notice it that time?"

Klink nodded. "Yes, it was very pronounced," he said.

Carter looked puzzled. "What was it?" he asked. When he asked, his mouth moved rapidly for about 30 seconds, but the only thing that emerged was "What was it?" He noticed the confused and worried look on the two men's faces, but brushed them aside. He started moving his mouth frantically, waving his arms and pointing towards the barracks door. This went on for about a minute.

Hogan and Klink watched Carter the whole minute. His mouth moved rapidly the whole time, but the only words that came out were "It's here. Heading this way. Quick, run!" The words were short and quickly said.

Hogan looked at Klink. "I feel as if I am in a horribly bad Japanese monster movie," he said.

When Carter heard that, he started nodding and jumping up and down, frantically waving his arms and moving his mouth.

"I think he's trying to fly," said Klink.

"No, I think he's the person that first sees the monster, tries to warn the others of the danger, and then flees away never to be seen again for the rest of the movie," Hogan said.

Upon hearing that, Carter stopped jumping up and down and looked at Hogan with a pained expression on his face. He tried to say something, his mouth moving for another 30 seconds. In the middle of this, Hogan heard him say, "Fine, if that's your attitude." Carter's mouth kept moving even after the words were out. Suddenly, Carter stopped moving his mouth, turned and walked dejectedly out the barracks door.

Klink turned to Hogan. "I think this is the part where the readers are supposed to feel sorry for him," he said.

"Why should they be?" Hogan asked. "He's the lucky one! He's going to get to take a chapter off from this monstrosity of a story."

"Good point," Klink replied. "But do you think he was trying to warn us about something?"

"Sure," Hogan replied. "I suspect that we'll find out what it was pretty soon too."

"What makes you say that?" Klink asked.

"We're getting pretty far into this chapter and nothing has happened yet," Hogan replied. "That means that the writer has to get on the ball and make it happen before the chapter is over."

Klink nodded. "That makes sense," he said. "I'd forgotten that you went through this before. I didn't get much of a chance last story."

"Kommandant, I would have gladly traded places with you," Hogan said. "I sighed too much and then started muttering to myself."

"Sounds dreadful," Klink responded. "But this is pretty nice though. We haven't moved from this table since I got here."

"True," Hogan said. "If we're going to have to go through this, it's best to do so sitting down."

Klink cocked his head to one side. "Hogan, did you hear that noise?" he asked.

"The one that sounded like a screech?" Hogan asked.

Klink nodded. "Yes, yes, that's the one," he said.

"Sounds like we're about to find out what Carter was babbling about," Hogan replied.

"Was Carter babbling?" Klink asked. "It looked to me like he was having some sort of seizure."

Before Hogan could reply, the barracks door smashed open, and in walked General Burkhalter. The General was dressed in some sort of white, fuzzy jumpsuit and had to pink ears pasted to his head. He looked around the room with angry eyes. Suddenly, he opened his mouth and emitted a horrendous deafening screech.

Hogan and Klink covered their ears. When the sound subsided, Hogan looked at Klink and shouted, "Oh no!"

"What is it?" Klink asked.

"It's a cliffhanger," Hogan replied.

Klink pointed at the General. "That thing is a cliffhanger?" he asked.

Hogan shook his head. "No, no," he said. "We won't find out what that thing is until the next chapter. This one is going to end now, so as to provide the illusion of suspense for the readers."

"Oh, I see," Klink said. "So this chapter is going to end right here, and we'll have to sit here and wait until the next chapter to find out what's going to happen."

Hogan nodded. "Yes, that's it," he said. "But first, we'll have to listen to the dramatic announcer."

"The dramatic announcer?" Klink asked. "We have one of those?"

"No," Hogan replied. "We've borrowed him from the Batman set just for this chapter."

"Oh," Klink said. Both he and Hogan turned and looked at the screen, trying their best to keep a controlled look of fear on their faces. Neither succeeded.

Will our Heroes be alright? Can they survive the terror that awaits them? Will they succumb to the utter uselessness of this story? Tune in next time, same bat-time, same bat-channel to find out!

"Are you batty?" cried Newkirk from the sidelines. "We don't have bat-times or bat-channels, we're in a German POW camp!"

Well, you know what I mean.

"Yes I do," Newkirk countered. "But it sounds stupid to say that in this setting!"

Well that's too bloody bad!

"Hey Newkirk, he sounds like you!" Le Beau said laughing.

"Shut up Cockroach," Newkirk said.