Part 4 – Thanks, I Needed That

Hogan and Klink were still staring at the screen. Both men were showing the strain of trying to remain motionless with the same facial expression.

Finally, Hogan took a deep breath. "Whew," he gasped. "I'm glad that was over. If we would have had to do that any longer, I think my face would have frozen that way."

"Mine has," Klink said through clenched teeth.

Hogan looked over at Klink. He still had the same expression on his face. "Snap out of it, Kommandant!" Hogan said. He reached over and slapped the German across the face a couple of times.

Klink shook his head, reeling a little from the slaps. "Thanks, I needed that," he said.

Both men looked at General Burkhalter, who was still by the door. Occasionally, the General would open his mouth and emit his horrendous screech.

"What do you suppose he is supposed to be?" Klink asked.

"I'm not sure," Hogan said. "I'm just glad that he got that part instead of me."

General Burkhalter stopped and looked at Hogan. "Do you think I enjoy being in these stories?" he asked. "So far, I've had my bath interrupted – twice – and had to wear a stupid blonde wig and sing soprano. Do you know what they had to do to make me sing that high?"

Both Hogan and Klink held up their hands. "I'd rather we not go into that," Hogan said.

"And now this silly writer has me doing this," Burkhalter continued. "It's humiliating."

"I'm sure it is," said Klink. "You look ridiculous."

"Of course I do," Burkhalter replied. "Look at you, you get to wear your uniform and Hogan gets to wear his black jacket."

"It's brown!" Both Klink and Hogan said the words simultaneously.

"Black, brown, whatever," Burkhalter said dismissively. "The point is, you two get to wear your normal clothes."

"But what exactly are you supposed to be?" asked Klink

"No time to explain," Burkhalter said. "I have to get back into character before the writer has me doing a soft-shoe routine with a cartoon character or something." With that, Burkhalter resumed looking around. He opened his mouth and let out another horrendous screech.

"So we still don't know what this is," Klink said.

"I believe I can help you, Kommandant," said Kinch, who was sitting on one of the bunks.

"Kinch, welcome back," Hogan said. "Where were you?"

"I was prowling around the writer's brain for a chapter, trying to figure out what the plot of this story is supposed to be," Kinch replied.

"Sounds like a nasty undertaking," Klink said.

Kinch nodded. "Yes," he said. "Actually, there wasn't much in there. There were a lot of empty rooms that lead nowhere. The deeper I got into things, the more I got lost. I had a hard time finding my way out of that deserted structure."

"Did you find anything out?" Hogan asked.

"Yes, I think I did," Kinch replied. "The General here is a big Plot Bunny. Actually, he's more of a cross between a Plot Bunny and Godzilla."

"Plotzilla?" Hogan asked speculatively.

Kinch shook his head. "No, I believe the author is referring to him as the Plot Burky," he said.

Both Klink and Hogan stared at Kinch with their mouths hanging open. "You have GOT to be kidding me," Hogan said.

"No, but you have to remember who we are dealing with here," Kinch said. "This writer's creativity could fit on the head of a pin."

Klink sneered and said, "I'd like to take that pin and poke him in the ..."

"Colonel Klink!" Hogan shouted. "Remember, this is a family story!"

"Sorry, I got carried away for a second," Klink said. "Still, it's a very pleasant thought."

Hogan smiled. "Yes it is, and maybe we can follow through on that during one of the chapter breaks," he said. "But now we should let Kinch finish."

"Well, it seems that the Plot Burky is here to terrorize the writers so that they won't finish their fan fiction stories."

"That's terrible," Klink said. "If he succeeds, our fandom will be doomed."

With those words, Hogan flinched and looked around the barracks. Not hearing any dramatic music, he relaxed. "Whew, at least we don't have sound effects in this story."

"So what are we going to do, Colonel," Kinch asked.

Before Hogan could answer, the barracks door opened and a short, stock man with a crew cut and clean uniform walked into the room.

"Alright you knuckleheads," the man yelled. "Everybody fall out. Come on, move it, move it, move it!" When nobody moved, the man yelled louder. "I said fall out! Are you all going to get moving?"

"No," Le Beau responded. He was sitting beside Kinch on one of the bunks. Newkirk was sitting on another bunk nearby.

"What?" the man yelled again. "I can't hear you!"

"NO!" the men yelled back.

"Excuse me, but who are you?" Hogan asked.

The man looked over at Hogan. Seeing that he was a Colonel, he snapped to attention and saluted. "Sergeant Vince Carter reporting for duty, sir!" he said.

Hogan let his head fall to the table. He rolled it from side to side muttering "Why me?"

"But what are you doing here?" Klink asked.

"I'm here as a replacement for Sergeant Andrew Carter," Carter said. "The writer thought that since he was taking this chapter off, there should still be a Sergeant Carter in the story."

"I see," Klink said calmly. "Colonel Hogan, are these stories always like this?"

"Yes they are," Hogan responded, his head still down on the table.

"Then I'm very glad I missed most of the last one," Klink said.

"Excuse me," Carter said. "But is this going to take long? I've got to take my girlfriend Bunny out tonight."

A collective groan escaped from the men sitting on the bunks.

Carter looked at them. "Did I say something wrong?" he asked.

"No," Kinch replied. "It's not your fault. You only say what that fool writer tells you to."

"Well, now that I'm here, what do I do?" Carter asked.

Newkirk pointed to a nearby bunk. "Have a seat," he said. "We're pretty much on the sidelines for this story. The officers get to have the fun this time." Carter headed to the bunk and sat down.

"So Hogan," Klink said. "What do we do about this Plot Burky thingy?"

"The best way to fight fire is with fire," Hogan said.

"I thought it was with water, Colonel," Carter replied.

Hogan looked over at Carter on the bunk. Carter shrugged. "Was that something that your Sergeant Carter would say?"

"Unfortunately, it was," Hogan replied. "But anyway, what I meant is that we have to beat this writer at his own game."

"You mean we have to write a totally inane story featuring the writer?" Klink asked.

"No, I will not sink to his level," Hogan replied. "Kinch, get on the internet. Tell SmartGroups that we need to have the Hogan's Heroes Fan Fiction Writer Airborne Division sent over to this story right away."

"But Colonel, isn't our writer part of that group?" Le Beau asked.

"Yes he is," Hogan replied. "But he'll be outnumbered and if we can get that musician to come along with her oboe, I think he'll be on his best behavior."

"Bloody right," Newkirk said. "You saw what happened at the end of the last story. Have you noticed that the dog hasn't appeared in this one?"

"Alright Kinch," Hogan said. "Get to it. I want those writers here for the next chapter."