Disclaimer: I don't own any of these plotlines.
I know it took such a long time to get this up. I've been so busy, and just when I was almost done, my computer deleted it, so I had to write it all over again. But here it is at last. Enjoy the very last chapter of:
THE TOP 77 WAYS TO ANNOY SNAPEChapter 9: Annoying Everyone
"The Top 77 Ways to Annoy Snape," Harry muttered, staring down at his half finished potions essay that night. "Who would have thought that this game would be so literal?"
"I did, unfortunately," Hermione replied from her armchair in the Gryffindor common room. She had apparently taken up knitting and was creating what looked like an extremely bunchy glove. "I knew that they'd do something like this."
"Yeah, but I didn't think that Fred and George would have had the guts," Ron said, sitting up from his spot on the floor, glad to find an excuse to put his homework aside.
"Well, we'll see if it's guts they have or just plain stupidity when someone tries to annoy Snape and McGonagall," Hermione said. Ron's face suddenly went slightly pale, and his mouth fell open a quarter of an inch. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell on them," she said seeing his face.
"Hermione," Ron said slowly, "I almost forgot. Someone has to annoy you, don't they?"
"Oh, they've already tried," Hermione replied with a hint of pride in her voice. "But I put an unbreakable locking charm on my trunk last night. No sixth year is going to be turning my shoes into go-go boots."
"Well, that's one year that we know isn't going to win – sixth," said Harry. "Who else is there? There's first, and they're annoying Snape – "
"Fat chance that'll happen," Ron interrupted.
"And second year's got Filch and Mrs. Norris. Third is Malfoy – no Peeves – forth year has Malfoy," Harry continued.
"And Fred and George are reserved for their own year," Hermione concluded.
"And we get to annoy McGonagall!" Ron said. "So, how are we going to stick fur on her face? We could sneak into her office while she's sleeping. We could use the invisibility cloak!"
"How are we going to annoy McGonagall?" Hermione repeated incredulously, looking down at Ron. "Simple. We're not."
"Oh, err. . . yeah. . ." Ron mumbled. "I only meant. . ."
"I've already talked to Seamus and Dean and the rest of the fifth years," Harry said. "They don't think it's worth getting on McGonagall's bad side, either. I mean, seventh year might be able to get away with it, but we've got another full two years with her. It'd be nice if she wasn't breathing fire at us."
"There is one thing that is worrying me, though," Hermione said, a questioning look coming over her face. "What is Fred and George's 'surprise?' How could they possible find something more troublesome to do than what they've already asked us?"
"I don't know," Ron said, eager to jump back into the conversation. "I guess we'll have to just wait and see."
The next day, as it was Sunday, both Harry and Ron slept in until the late morning. After groggily dressing, they walked down the spiral staircase and found Hermione sitting cross-legged on a squashy armchair with an overly large book on her lap.
"Hi," Hermione said, looking up from her book as they approached. "Care for any breakfast?"
"Yeah, alright," Harry said while Ron stifled a huge yawn.
They proceeded out of the portrait hole and down the many staircases that lead to the Great Hall. However, when they reached the entrance hall, they found it flooded with students.
"What's going on? I'm starving," Ron muttered, craning his neck to try and see over the head of a burly seventh year. "What's the hold up?"
"Excuse me," Hermione said with a commanding air, squeezing between people. "Prefect coming through. Excuse me. Yes, I'm sure everything is alright." Harry and Ron followed closely behind her, as to not get lost in the crowd. Just when they reached the front of the cluster, Professor McGonagall walked out of the Great Hall and quickly closed the doors behind her. Harry caught the briefest glimpse of a large something hanging over the teacher's table, though what exactly it was, he couldn't tell.
"Professor," Hermione began, "what –"
"Attention, please! Attention!" Professor McGonagall called, cutting Hermione off mid-sentence. "Silence, please! The Great Hall will be off limits until further notice. Now don't whine, Crabbe. Food will be served in the common rooms for the time being."
"What's going on?" Harry asked, as they waited in the great line of people lingering up the marble staircase. "This has never happened before."
Just then, a familiar voice called out, "Harry! Ron! Hermione!" They turned at the base of the stairs to find a flushed-faced Ginny rushing toward them as quickly as she could without running. She skidded to a halt and said, "Come on, you guys have to see this!" She was smiling broadly as if she knew something the others didn't.
"Ginny," said Ron, looking confused, "what's going on?"
"Oh, just come on! You'll see." She turned and led them straight out the oak front doors leading to the snowy grounds. She walked to a frosted window that Harry briefly recalled glancing through after hitting the Whopping Willow with the Weasley's old Ford Anglia in his second year.
"Ginny," Ron tried again, "what –"
"Oh, just look!" She pointed to the window. Harry, Ron, and Hermione peered through the glass and saw the familiar sight of the Great Hall – but this time, something was different. Harry didn't immediately register what he saw. The same something was hanging over the teacher's table, but now he saw what it really was. It was a picture – of Malfoy. But not the Malfoy that they knew. He was only a toddler, naked, and lying down on his stomach, frowning and scowling in an annoyed sort of way. The baby-Malfoy opened its mouth and made a large, wet spit bubble. They all burst out laughing at once, and turned around to see Ginny overcome by a fit of giggles. "What did I tell you?" she said between spurts of laughter.
"It looks like one group's done," Harry said, as the four of them walked back into the castle. "That idea won first place didn't it?"
"No, second," Ron corrected. "I guess we know what Fred and George's special surprise is."
"It's nice to know that you pay attention to something. If you only do the same in Snape's class, you'd have an A," Hermione said jokingly.
"Well," Ron said, "that's potions. Anyway, Fred and George must be doing all the second place winners, and letting us do the first."
"Oh, they're going to get in so much trouble," Ginny said, shaking her head. "Mum'll kill them."
"Not before Malfoy does," Harry said, and they walked through the oak front doors, laughing once again.
"Did you hear?" Parvati whispered to Lavender. History of Magic was about to begin, and Parvati and Lavender were sitting in the row in front of Harry, Ron and Hermione. "Mrs. Norris is in the hospital wing. Padma was there earlier to ask Madame Pomfrey about a cough she's been getting, and she saw the cat lying on one of the beds in the back. Madame Pomfrey can't figure out what's wrong with her. Said Mrs. Norris keeps getting sick, then having nosebleeds, and then fainting. Poor kitty."
From behind them, Hermione, Harry, and Ron exchanged curious glances.
"Welcome class," Professor Binns drawled as he floated through the black board. "Today we'll be studying the outcome of the Great Ghost Wars. Open your books and turn to page 342."
There was a rustling sound as everyone took out their books and began to flip to the appropriate page. Professor Binns started droning on again, and the class fell into immediate silence – well, not completely. Harry heard another rustling of paper from his right and turned to see a bewildered looking Hermione flicking through her entire book. Puzzled, Harry glanced down at her History book. He stared wide-eyed as she turned the page. The black text on it turned a bright shade of red then disappeared from sight. She turned the page again, and the same thing occurred. She hurriedly looked up at Professor Binns, silently willing him to wait for her, but he droned on, completely unaware of anything that was happening at Harry's table. Parvati, Lavender, Dean, and Seamus had all turned around to see what the commotion was. Hermione was panicked as she turned to yet another random page. This time, the words didn't erase themselves immediately, but rearranged themselves into the words "Sorry about this, Hermione. Remember, it's just a game." Then they, too disappeared.
Hermione let out an audible "humph," and ended up having to share books with Harry and Ron the rest of the day.
"Have you seen Hermione lately?" Ron asked Harry the next day in the Transfiguration room. Class was about to begin, but Hermione was nowhere to be found. Ron rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I haven't seen her since yesterday. She wasn't at breakfast."
"Nope," Harry said, hoping that she wasn't too upset about Fred and George's prank the day before. He wasn't looking forward to sitting next to a disgruntled Hermione for the rest of the week.
He absentmindedly began doodling on the cover of his transfiguration book, when Hermione rushed in. She plopped down next to Ron and said, "I've been in the library for hours trying to find a way to keep my books from going blank, but every time I opened a book to look for a countercharm, it erased itself. In the end I had to tell Madame Pince that one of my friends pulled a joke on me, but didn't know how to reverse it – Don't worry, I didn't tell them who!" She glanced at Ron and then sighed, taking a book out of her bag wearily. "She said that people have done this sort of thing before and showed me a countercharm, but it's only for individual books. She said she'd look for a more lasting spell for me. Revelo!" she muttered, tapping her book with her wand. Instantly, the appropriate text spiraled out from the middle of the page and came to rest in its respected place.
Suddenly, a shouting came from the corridor outside. Every head in the room turned in the direction of the sound. "Stop following me, I say! Leave! Stupify!"
Soon another voice – or rather, many voices joined as one – responded in a high-pitched, singsong way, "We welcome you to Umbridge-land!"
Grins instantly appeared on everyone's faces, but disappeared just as quickly as the door burst open, and Professor McGonagall stormed into the room. Her hair was falling out of her tight bun, and her face was extremely flushed. At her heals was a chorus of no less than eleven Umbridge look-a-likes, still chanting their song.
"Stupify!" McGonagall tried again. She hit one of the Umbridges, but the spell's beam bounced off its forehead and hit the blackboard, leaving a smoking hole in it. The chorus began singing even louder.
"Stupify! Impedimenta! Relacio!" she yelled, the spells' rays reflecting off the Umbridges and causing more damage. "Class dismissed!" she barked. Harry, Ron and Hermione gathered up their books in a hurry and met the rest of the students at the door, all anxious to get out of McGonagall's way.
"Can you believe our luck!" Ron said once safely out of McGonagall's firing range. "A whole hour off, and we got to see that!"
"McGonagall didn't look too happy, though," Hermione said, looking rather shaken.
"I think that's an understatement," Harry said. "But you've got to hand it to Fred and George. Those Umbridges were pretty convincing."
Four days later, Harry and Ron were sitting in the Great Hall eating dinner. Nothing interesting had happened since the "Umbridge-McGonagall Incident," which was very surprising. Fred and George seemed to either be taking a break from their pranks, plotting their next one, or were caught; the thing was, no one knew for sure, for the twins were no where to be found. To add to it, it was the last day of the competition, and there wasn't a shred of evidence that any of the other Gryffindors had completed their task. So, in order to pass the time, Harry and Ron decided to play exploding snap for hours on end.
Harry had lost for the third time in a row when, for a second, he thought he heard a distant singing. Then he decided he imagined it as the doors behind him opened, and Hermione walked briskly into the Great Hall, carrying a large stack of books. She dropped them heavily on the table and sat down next to Ron.
"Trying to read the entire library before dinner?" Ron asked.
"No. I still haven't found a permanent spell to stop Fred and George's joke. The books keep erasing themselves," she said desperately, opening the top one. The words disappeared a moment afterward. Hermione sighed exasperatedly and said, "Revelo! Oh, this is so –"
"Annoying?" Ron offered helpfully.
"Thanks, Ron," Hermione muttered, rolling her eyes.
"No problem," he said, making the rough outline of a castle with his exploding snap cards.
"Madam Pince hasn't found anything?" Harry asked.
"No, but she's hopeful," Hermione responded in a voice that plainly showed her doubt that Madam Pince would ever find anything helpful.
"I'm sure if you ask Fred and George about it, though, they'll tell you how to reverse it," Harry said.
"I know, but I haven't seen them anywhere," she said.
"What are you talking about?" Ron said. "They're right over there." He jabbed his thumb to the other end of the Gryffindor table, and both Hermione and Harry gazed in that direction. Sure enough, Fred and George were there alone, though it was understandable why Harry and Hermione hadn't seen them immediately. The tops of their red hair were just visible behind two large volumes of books. Hermione looked down at her own books – which were all noticeably smaller than theirs – and stared in amazement at the twins.
"I'll be right back," she said.
"Yeah," Harry said, equally puzzled by the sight. "Me, too."
"Okay," Ron replied, now concentrating on building his card castle higher.
"Fred? George?" Harry asked, once they reached the two people hidden behind books. They didn't respond. "Hey, are you guys okay?"
"Please, Harry, we are trying to read," came a voice.
"Oh, come on," Harry said. "Really, I want to talk." Again, there was no response.
"Fred, George, I need to talk to you," Hermione said boldly.
"We told you," came a very tense voice. Both of the books slammed shut. "We are trying to study."
Hermione gapped at what she saw. Both boys had their hair slicked back and were wearing thick glasses. They wore a look of utmost aggravation. In fact, they looked more like twin Percys than they did like Fred and George.
"Now, if you will excuse us, we have work to do," one of them said testily.
"That's right," the other said. "We're trying to find a rule that will allow seventh years to be considered for new prefects mid-year." And they disappeared behind their books.
"That was the strangest thing I've ever seen. Including Hagrid's blast-ended scroots," Harry said as they walked back to Ron.
"What was strange?" Ron muttered, not looking up from his castle.
"Fred and George, they –" but he was interrupted by a loud noise coming from the entrance hall.
"Oh, bloody hell." Ron swore, as his card castle came crashing down, burning the front of his hair.
"What was that?" Hermione asked, and the three of them joined the large mass of people now gathered around the doors. There was laughter coming from the front of the crowd, and, once Harry, Ron, and Hermione squeezed their way to the front, they couldn't help but joining in. Two dozen Fred and George-like figures were running around aimlessly, several of which ran straight into walls, fell down, and bounced right up again, screaming their heads off. Harry and Hermione spied a group of them in the corner of the hall, some burying themselves in books, and others looking irritably over at the brainless clones that were now playing duck-duck-goose.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here? Ickle twinsies playing little gamesies?" came the voice of Peeves. His body drifted into sight a few seconds later.
All the dim-witted twins turned to look at him gleefully. "Peevesie!" They joyously cried in unison.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! How did you die?" one asked.
"Oh, that's a good story," Peeves hackled, doing a flip. "Peevsie was pulling gophers out of their holes in a field one morn, hoping to chop off their toes before the day was worn. He saw an arrow flying, sharp as a tack, it hit him, and now Peevsie is back!" He swooped down on the flock of idiots, who stood in their places and – laughed. Peeves halted midair, looking rather confused. "Are you laughing at Peeves?"
"Yes!" the clones shouted as one, and began laughing insanely again and started running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
Peeves, obviously furious, looked panicky around the room, blew a loud raspberry, and flew into the nearest suit of armor.
"Come on," Harry said to Hermione and Ron, jerking his head toward a hallway to the right. "Fred and George have really outdone them this time," he said once they were away from all the noise, a large grin plastered across his face.
"Wonder if they've been caught yet," Ron said, looking over his shoulder as one of the extra twins blew a wand up in his face.
"Doesn't seem like they have," Hermione said, halting where she was and standing extremely still. She seemed to be listening intently. Harry and Ron both stopped short, and it was then that they heard it – the unmistakable sound of mischievous laughter. Harry walked over to a nearby tapestry and pulled it back revealing a large opening in the wall in which a set of guilty looking twins was hiding. They were both red in the face.
"Hiya, Harry," Fred said, coming out into the open.
"Enjoying our little bit of fun?" George asked, climbing out of the hole after his brother.
"It's brilliant, isn't it?" Fred said.
"We're sure to go down in Hogwarts history after this," George nodded.
"Oh, by the way," Fred began, turning to Hermione, "sorry about the books, but it's all in fun and games, you know."
"Everything's fair in love and war," George agreed.
"Good, then you wouldn't mind giving me the countercharm?" Hermione asked hopefully.
"Fat chance, Hermione! This is the best set of pranks we've ever pulled! There's no way we're ruining it." But Hermione gave them a stern look so much like that of Mrs. Weasley's that they nearly leapt back in horror. "Okay, okay, you win!" and he pulled a piece of parchment out of his robes and gave it to Hermione.
"Thank you," Hermione said with a gracious smile.
Ron's face suddenly lit up. "Well, now that the contest is over with, are you going to tell us who won?"
"Of course, little bro," George said. "What kind of brother's would we be if we didn't?"
"Well?" Ron and Harry asked.
"Well, it seemed that everyone had a little trouble pulling off the pranks," Fred admitted. "You three obviously wouldn't annoy McGonagall." George then shook his head, and Fred gave them a tragic, disapproving look.
"And the forth years can't do anything right without Ginny," George admitted.
"Then you, Hermione, stopped the sixth years from changing all your robes," Fred said.
"Pity," George added.
"What about third year?" Ron asked.
"Well, see they told Peeves about the 'treasure', but he wouldn't believe him –"
"Just threw a bucket of water in their faces –"
"So it doesn't count."
"And second year couldn't dress up Filch's cat as McGonagall because Mrs. Norris was conveniently locked up in the hospital wing."
"We think she ate too many Nosebleed Nuggets."
"Well, what about seventh year?" Hermione asked.
"Come on, Hermione," George said, "they wouldn't really snitch on us. They're our best mates."
"So, who won then?" Ron asked.
Fred and George glanced at each other, then said, "First year."
"What?" Ron, Harry, and Hermione exclaimed in unison.
"Yup," said George shaking his head. "Who ever thought that that was coming?"
"They're the only ones who pulled the prank," Fred said, shrugging.
"When did they do it?" Harry asked, puzzled. "I didn't hear anything about it."
"Well, you wouldn't have," Fred said.
"As it just happened," George replied.
"Oh, we wish you could have seen it. They sang 'We hate you Snape' so passionately." Fred smiled reminiscently.
"He was so mad. Nearly cursed their legs off."
"But it was worth it."
"Brave little firsties," George added.
"What was the prize they won?" Harry asked, recalling that they had never announced exactly what the mystery prize would be.
"Why, the pride and joy of having detention for the next four months," Fred replied.
"Hey, how come we never won any of the things with the lists until the end?" Ron asked, just remembering how much he himself was annoyed about it.
"Come on, Ronnie. Your stuff was always the best," Fred admitted honestly.
"We just wanted you to keep you on your toes," George said.
"Plus, we're jerks. What can you expect from your big brothers?"
"Hey, it could have been worse," George admitted, an evil grin spreading across his face. "We were actually considering annoying a certain little brother of ours."
"Yeah, we knew the prefect – sorry – perfect way to annoy him," Fred said, glancing at Hermione which caused both her and Ron to blush.
"Well, that's it then, isn't it?" Ron said, changing the subject as quickly as he could. "It's all over?"
"Oh, no," Fred said with a mischievous look. "By no means."
"You just wait until tomorrow," George said.
"There's still one person we have to annoy."
The next morning at breakfast, Harry, Ron and Hermione sat at the end of the Gryffindor table waiting attentively for something; more specifically, for someone. Everyone was very tense that morning. Even the teachers could tell something was going to happen. They all seemed to know exactly what was coming. The only sour faces in the entire hall were that of Malfoy, Filch, McGonagall, and the other victims, save Fred and George who were as eager as the rest.
After waiting for nearly an hour, the great doors opened, and a figure all dressed in black that was very heavily bandaged trudged in. Every head in the hall turned to see the figure and watched as it walked slowly to the teacher's table. It crossed the room cautiously, almost suspicious of every pair of eyes. Harry turned to look down the table at Fred and George who were smiling with joyful malevolence. They saw Harry, winked, and then inconspicuously pointed their wands at the figure, muttering an incantation.
Instantly, the bandages flew off the black figure, and it crouched down as if it was struck by an invisible hand. The entire hall rang with laugher. Harry, smiling broadly, turned back to look at Fred and George. Snape had a tan.
The End
Well, that's it. I can't believe that it's over. It's been so fun writing this story for all of you. I've loved it. So many laughs. Oh, did anyone catch the book 5 foreshadowing? I'll give you a clue: tarot cards. I put that in for all you Ron/Hermione shippers, and all of you who know how Harry suffered.
Now I have a confession to make. I'm not going to be able to write any more stories. My life is at a turning point, and I will no longer have any time to spare. I had to push myself just to give you all this last chapter. So, I won't have any more entries unless I find the time for a few one-shots.
So, thank you to all of my loyal readers and wonderful reviewers. This story is for you.
Love always,
Carmen Willows