ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament 1: Robots - C3PO vs. R2D2
Commentator 1: Hello and welcome to the show! I'm Commentator 1!
Commentator 2: And he's Commentator 1! Wait, that's not right.
Commentator 1: Oops. Guess I got it wrong.
Commentator 2: I did make it very simple. You say my name, I say your name. Was that idea too complicated for you to handle?
Commentator 1: Well, there should have been more rehearsals.
Commentator 2: There were plenty! You just didn't show up. You were too busy with your girlfriend.
Commentator 1: At least I have one!
Commentator 2: Kelly's real. She just lives in...um...Iceland!
Commentator 1: Last time you said it was Germany!
Commentator 2: Yeah, well, at least I can show up for rehearsals, Commentator 1! What kind of name is that?
Commentator 1: Yeah, it's a better name than Commentator 2! Anyway, why do we have names like that?
Commentator 2: I know. We're people too. (Cut to the recording studio. ChristSaviour is there.)
ChristSaviour: Oh no! He's discovered that he's a person too! Send in the soldiers!
(ChristSaviour's army rush in and beat Commentator 1 and Commentator 2 with lead piping.)
Commentator 1: Ow. You don't have to beat me. I didn't say anything.
Leader Of Soldiers: He's speaking! Let's get him! (Soldiers beat him. Cut to recording studio.)
ChristSaviour: Oooh, looks like things are getting tense in the commentator's box. Send in the fighters.
(Cut back to the ring-view camera. R2D2 comes in with two girls clad in Princess Leia's gold bikini from when she was captured. The crowd cheers.)
Commentator 2: And here comes contestant number 1, R2D2! He is a droid from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away.
Commentator 1: And here comes contestant number 2, C3PO. He is a droid from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. So who do you see winning the first ever ChristSaviour Fighting match?
Commentator 2: R2D2. That man, if you call it a man, has been out on the side of a spaceship, doing repairs to it, while it was moving through space, being attacked!
Commentator 1: Yeah, and what has C3PO ever done? Nothing, that's what! (Disclaimer: ChristSaviour does not share the views of Commentator 1. C3PO was once lost, and then was found, like, ten minutes later.)
Commentator 2: C3PO is on his way!
Commentator 1: And here he comes! C3PO walks in with two men wearing gold underpants and holding lightsabers. The
crowd is unsure of what to do. Crickets are heard chirping in the background. One member of the audience coughs.)
C3PO: Hey! There's nothing wrong with it if I'm...well...on the other side, if you know what I mean.
Commentator 2: And C3PO is ready to fight!
C3PO: Fight? I thought it was a fashion show that I had front row tickets to.
Male In Gold Underpants#1: Just get in the ring. (R2D2 is lifted into the ring. C3PO is shoved in.)
Referee: (To R2D2) Have you anything to say to your opponent? (Holds microphone to R2D2)
R2D2: (Into microphone) Bleep!
Commentator 1: Wise words from R2D2: Bleep. C3PO had better watch out tonight! Referee: Let's get it on! (Rings bell.)
Commentator 2: And the match has officially started!
C3PO: (To himself) Oh, I'm worried. (To R2D2) But you won't fight me, will you? I mean, we're friends still, aren't we? (R2D2 tilts his body downwards and speeds towards C3PO, so as to ram him.)
C3PO: R2D2, Stop that! R2D2! Don't you remember me?
Commentator 1: It would appear not!
Commentator 2: We had the ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament slaves work hard to remove R2D2's memory! (R2D2 hits C3PO.)
C3PO: Ow! Why did you do that, R2D2? Aren't you my friend?
R2D2: Bleep
Commentator 1: R2D2 is threatening his opponent! C3PO had better watch himself while R2D2 is around, huh?
(R2D2's arm extends from within his body. It has a blowtorch on the end.)
C3PO: Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. (R2D2 blowtorches C3PO for a good ten minutes then retracts his arm.)
Commentator 1: And R2D2 is delivering a good old-fashioned ass-whooping to C3PO. That robot never stood a chance!
C3PO: Luke! Luke! Are you there?
(Luke Skywalker is in the crowds, watching the match closely. He has several bets placed on R2D2.)
C3PO: Oh, Luke, why have you abandoned me?
(R2D2 extends his arm again. This time, there is a circular saw on the end.)
Luke: Kill! Kill! Kill!
(The rest of the crowd starts to chant along with him. R2D2's circular saw rips the casing off C3PO. R2D2 is about to go in for the killing blow, when C3PO starts to talk.)
C3PO: My goodness! My bits are showing! (Covers up crotch with hands. This makes R2D2 let out a bleepy little laugh.)
C3PO: Ha! I'm not really a useless wussy robot! I just wanted to distract you!
Commentator 2: And the useless wussy robot strikes! At last!
C3PO: I'm not a useless wussy robot! I'm not! (Starts to do a metallic robot cry.)
Commentator 1: Looks like you've hurt his feelings, Commentator 2!
Commentator 2: Really? Oh, dear. That wasn't what I was trying to do. I was trying to REALLY hurt his feelings! HAHAHAHAHA! (Commentator 1 and Commentator 2 laugh for ages, until there are tears coming out of their eyes. By then, C3PO has lifted up R2D2 and is delivering blow after blow.)
C3PO: How d'ya like that? Huh? DIE!
R2D2: Bleep.
Commentator 1: It sounds like R2D2 is really hurt. (R2D2 pulls out circular saw again, trying to defend himself. C3PO rips it out of its socket, then dismantles R2D2 with it. He then picks up the dismantled body and rapes it with the penis we never knew he had.)
Referee: And the winner is C3PO! (The crowd boo, and throw things at the referee and C3PO.)
Luke: Dammit. And to think I put 50 Republic Credits on R2D2 winning. (The spirit of one of the Tatooine traders from Episode 1 appears.)
Trader: Republican credits? Ugh. They are worthless here on Tatooine.
Luke: You're not on Tatooine.
Han Solo: Who are you talking to?
Luke: Er...no-one.
(Han Solo walks to his X-wing with a girl on his arm.)
Girl: I love a man with a spaceship. (Chewbacca walks out of the X-wing.)
Girl: Does that thing have fleas? Like eeeww. (Walks off.)
Luke: Well, Yoda told me R2D2 would win. (The spirit of Yoda appears.)
Yoda: Betting you on wrong person placed. C3PO the winner is.
Luke: Why do you talk like that?
Yoda: Stroke I have had.
Commentator 1: Hello and welcome to the show! I'm Commentator 1!
Commentator 2: And he's Commentator 1! Wait, that's not right.
Commentator 1: Oops. Guess I got it wrong.
Commentator 2: I did make it very simple. You say my name, I say your name. Was that idea too complicated for you to handle?
Commentator 1: Well, there should have been more rehearsals.
Commentator 2: There were plenty! You just didn't show up. You were too busy with your girlfriend.
Commentator 1: At least I have one!
Commentator 2: Kelly's real. She just lives in...um...Iceland!
Commentator 1: Last time you said it was Germany!
Commentator 2: Yeah, well, at least I can show up for rehearsals, Commentator 1! What kind of name is that?
Commentator 1: Yeah, it's a better name than Commentator 2! Anyway, why do we have names like that?
Commentator 2: I know. We're people too. (Cut to the recording studio. ChristSaviour is there.)
ChristSaviour: Oh no! He's discovered that he's a person too! Send in the soldiers!
(ChristSaviour's army rush in and beat Commentator 1 and Commentator 2 with lead piping.)
Commentator 1: Ow. You don't have to beat me. I didn't say anything.
Leader Of Soldiers: He's speaking! Let's get him! (Soldiers beat him. Cut to recording studio.)
ChristSaviour: Oooh, looks like things are getting tense in the commentator's box. Send in the fighters.
(Cut back to the ring-view camera. R2D2 comes in with two girls clad in Princess Leia's gold bikini from when she was captured. The crowd cheers.)
Commentator 2: And here comes contestant number 1, R2D2! He is a droid from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away.
Commentator 1: And here comes contestant number 2, C3PO. He is a droid from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. So who do you see winning the first ever ChristSaviour Fighting match?
Commentator 2: R2D2. That man, if you call it a man, has been out on the side of a spaceship, doing repairs to it, while it was moving through space, being attacked!
Commentator 1: Yeah, and what has C3PO ever done? Nothing, that's what! (Disclaimer: ChristSaviour does not share the views of Commentator 1. C3PO was once lost, and then was found, like, ten minutes later.)
Commentator 2: C3PO is on his way!
Commentator 1: And here he comes! C3PO walks in with two men wearing gold underpants and holding lightsabers. The
crowd is unsure of what to do. Crickets are heard chirping in the background. One member of the audience coughs.)
C3PO: Hey! There's nothing wrong with it if I'm...well...on the other side, if you know what I mean.
Commentator 2: And C3PO is ready to fight!
C3PO: Fight? I thought it was a fashion show that I had front row tickets to.
Male In Gold Underpants#1: Just get in the ring. (R2D2 is lifted into the ring. C3PO is shoved in.)
Referee: (To R2D2) Have you anything to say to your opponent? (Holds microphone to R2D2)
R2D2: (Into microphone) Bleep!
Commentator 1: Wise words from R2D2: Bleep. C3PO had better watch out tonight! Referee: Let's get it on! (Rings bell.)
Commentator 2: And the match has officially started!
C3PO: (To himself) Oh, I'm worried. (To R2D2) But you won't fight me, will you? I mean, we're friends still, aren't we? (R2D2 tilts his body downwards and speeds towards C3PO, so as to ram him.)
C3PO: R2D2, Stop that! R2D2! Don't you remember me?
Commentator 1: It would appear not!
Commentator 2: We had the ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament slaves work hard to remove R2D2's memory! (R2D2 hits C3PO.)
C3PO: Ow! Why did you do that, R2D2? Aren't you my friend?
R2D2: Bleep
Commentator 1: R2D2 is threatening his opponent! C3PO had better watch himself while R2D2 is around, huh?
(R2D2's arm extends from within his body. It has a blowtorch on the end.)
C3PO: Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. (R2D2 blowtorches C3PO for a good ten minutes then retracts his arm.)
Commentator 1: And R2D2 is delivering a good old-fashioned ass-whooping to C3PO. That robot never stood a chance!
C3PO: Luke! Luke! Are you there?
(Luke Skywalker is in the crowds, watching the match closely. He has several bets placed on R2D2.)
C3PO: Oh, Luke, why have you abandoned me?
(R2D2 extends his arm again. This time, there is a circular saw on the end.)
Luke: Kill! Kill! Kill!
(The rest of the crowd starts to chant along with him. R2D2's circular saw rips the casing off C3PO. R2D2 is about to go in for the killing blow, when C3PO starts to talk.)
C3PO: My goodness! My bits are showing! (Covers up crotch with hands. This makes R2D2 let out a bleepy little laugh.)
C3PO: Ha! I'm not really a useless wussy robot! I just wanted to distract you!
Commentator 2: And the useless wussy robot strikes! At last!
C3PO: I'm not a useless wussy robot! I'm not! (Starts to do a metallic robot cry.)
Commentator 1: Looks like you've hurt his feelings, Commentator 2!
Commentator 2: Really? Oh, dear. That wasn't what I was trying to do. I was trying to REALLY hurt his feelings! HAHAHAHAHA! (Commentator 1 and Commentator 2 laugh for ages, until there are tears coming out of their eyes. By then, C3PO has lifted up R2D2 and is delivering blow after blow.)
C3PO: How d'ya like that? Huh? DIE!
R2D2: Bleep.
Commentator 1: It sounds like R2D2 is really hurt. (R2D2 pulls out circular saw again, trying to defend himself. C3PO rips it out of its socket, then dismantles R2D2 with it. He then picks up the dismantled body and rapes it with the penis we never knew he had.)
Referee: And the winner is C3PO! (The crowd boo, and throw things at the referee and C3PO.)
Luke: Dammit. And to think I put 50 Republic Credits on R2D2 winning. (The spirit of one of the Tatooine traders from Episode 1 appears.)
Trader: Republican credits? Ugh. They are worthless here on Tatooine.
Luke: You're not on Tatooine.
Han Solo: Who are you talking to?
Luke: Er...no-one.
(Han Solo walks to his X-wing with a girl on his arm.)
Girl: I love a man with a spaceship. (Chewbacca walks out of the X-wing.)
Girl: Does that thing have fleas? Like eeeww. (Walks off.)
Luke: Well, Yoda told me R2D2 would win. (The spirit of Yoda appears.)
Yoda: Betting you on wrong person placed. C3PO the winner is.
Luke: Why do you talk like that?
Yoda: Stroke I have had.