ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament 1 Robots
Terminator vs. Jack-2
Commentator 2: Hello, and welcome to the second instalment of ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament 1! I'm Commentator 1!
Commentator 1: No you're not, I am!
Commentator 2: Well, that's usually the first line.
Commentator 1: Yeah, and I'm supposed to say it! Hello, and welcome to the second instalment of ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament!
Commentator 2: Hey! That's my line!
Commentator 1: I'll fight you for it!
Commentator 2: You don't have the guts to take me on!
Commentator 1: Have some of this! (Pulls hair)
Commentator 2: Ow! You cow! (Slaps Commentator 1)
Commentator 1: Bitch! (Slaps him to the floor)
(Cut to the recording studio. ChristSaviour, as always, is there.)
ChristSaviour: Oh, why does everything always go wrong on my show? Send Terminator to sort them out. (After much electrical sparks, Terminator hurtles down, naked.)
ChristSaviour: (To Terminator) Put some clothes on, man!
(Terminator does so, taking them off ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 1, who just happens to be wearing a really cool black leather jacket and pair of trousers. Terminator then kills him.)
ChristSaviour: Good. Now, where's that stupid kid? (John Connor, from Terminator II: Judgement Day, tells Terminator to go and hurt Commentator 1 and Commentator 2, to bring them to their senses.)
ChristSaviour: Well done, kid, their deaths will give the audiences something to watch while Jack-2 gets ready.
(Cut to the changing rooms. Tekken 2's Jack-2 is in there, having make- up put on by ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slaves.)
Jack- 2: (Girly voice) Do you think I need more mascara?
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 2: No, darling, you look great!
Jack-2: Oh, thank you. (Back to commentating box camera. Terminator has just butchered Commentator 1 and Commentator 2.)
John Connor: (Offstage) Killing's wrong! (Starts crying)
ChristSaviour: Oh, for f...Kill him too, Terminator.
Terminator: Not in mission objectives.
ChristSaviour: John Connor, come here. I mean future John Connor. (Lots of electric disturbance. An adult John Connor appears, naked.)
Adult John Connor: What do you want?
ChristSaviour: Tell the Terminator to kill that snotty brat.
Adult John: Righto. (Tells Terminator to kill young John Connor. Terminator does so. While Terminator is halfway through, Adult John realises that the snotty brat is him as a kid. Young John is dying.)
Adult John: (In extreme pain) No! How will I defeat SkyNet and the Machines now?
ChristSaviour: Whatever.
(Both Johns die.)
ChristSaviour: Hmmm. That was odd. Bring on the contestants.
(Back to the camera in Jack-2's dressing room. Jack-2 is about to go on-stage. He is worried about it.)
Jack-2: Oh, what am I gonna do? I'm so nervous.
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 3: Don't worry, dear, you look excellent.
Jack- 2: Okay.
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 1: Big smile! (Jack-2 walks off.)
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 2: Nice guy.
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 3: Yeah, quite nice. (Back to ringside camera. Terminator walks down from the commentating box, while 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns 'N' Roses plays.)
Random crowd member 1: Oooh, he'll win. He has better music. (Jack-2 walks on, wearing a big green military vest and urban camouflaged combats. The music from his stage on Tekken 2 plays.)
Random Crowd member 2: (To Random Crowd Member 1) Yeah, listen to his wussy music.
Jack-2: (To entire crowd) This music's actually quite good.
Referee: (To Jack-2) It doesn't matter, the crowd's already decided that they like Terminator better. (Into microphone, to crowd) Haven't you?
(Crowd cheers)
Referee: You see?
Random Crowd Member 1: (To Random Crowd Member 2) Yeah, The Terminator will win. Who the fuck is that Jack-2 guy?
(Jack-2 grunts, then grudgingly walks into the ring. He waits for Terminator to do so, in a fighting stance.)
Referee: Now, I want a nice, clean, fight. No secret weapons. Terminator, you better not transform your hand into a knife or other stabbing weapon.
Terminator: That's the T-1000.
Referee: I don't care who it was, no knives or other stabbing weapons.
Random Crowd Member 1: Oooh, he's really coming down hard on them. (Terminator walks onstage. Jack-2 is ready for him, and as soon as he does, Jack-2 charges into him and grabs him, knocking him down, so Jack-2 is on top of him, ready to punch him. However, Terminator is too quick, and instantly punches him square in the jaw.)
Referee: Now remember, Terminator, no knives or other stabbing weapons.
Terminator: I already told you, that was the T-1000.
Referee: Yeah well, I don't want you using any T-1000s on him either.
Terminator: (Talking to, seemingly, his shirt) The game's up, T-1000, he's spotted you. (T-1000 crawls out of his shirt.)
T-1000: Dammit.
Terminator: Maybe next time. Love you! (Blows kisses at him as he walks off. Jack-2 uses Terminator's distraction as an opportunity to catch Terminator unawares. He hits him in the belly, then uppercuts him. Terminator is barely damaged at all, and, while still being pinned, gets Jack-2 with a right hook, then kicks him in the nuts.)
Jack-2: Like that hurt. (Secretly) Ooow! My nuts! Jesus Christ!
Referee: Oh yeah, and I don't want to see you using any Jesus Christs on each other, either.
Jack-2: (Into shirt) Dammit. Alright, you'll have to get out. (Jesus crawls out of his shirt)
Jesus: Good. I have to be seen in a prophecy at twelve. I'm a busy man, you know. (Walks off, complaining.)
Referee: How much more can you fit in your shirts?
Terminator and Jack-2: Quite a lot.
Referee: Well, I want you to take it all out.
(Supermario, Chewbacca, E.T., Bender, Agent Smith, Neo, Pop 'N' Fresh, Mr. Peanut, Bugs Bunny and Ace Ventura crawl out of their tops, cursing.
Referee: That's more like it. Now let's get it on! (Terminator is the first to attack, as Jack-2 is busy checking his vest for damage. Jack-2 falls down, complaining that his vest is torn. Terminator lets him get up, then lets fly with a clothesliner.)
Random Crowd Member 1: Oooh, a perfectly executed clothesliner.
Random Crowd Member 2: I dunno, I still think the one at Wrestlemanya 5, Match 7 was better.
(Random Crowd Member 1 shrugs, and drinks some Coca-Cola through a straw. Back in the ring, Jack-2 has gotten up. Terminator swings out to hit him. Jack-2 grabs his fist, pulls him in closer, grabs his other fist and swings him round and round and round and round and round, then lets loose and sends him flying into the crowd. He expects them to maul him, but they carefully put him back in the ring, making sure he's okay. Jack-2 is confused, and Terminator takes the chance to grab him and throw him into the crowd. He lands face-down, and several members of the crowd stamp on his back, then he is thrown back into the ring, frustrated and confused.)
Jack-2: (To Referee) Why did they beat me up, but not Terminator?
Referee: I guess Terminator's just cooler than you, Jack my boy.
Jack-2: (Breaks down and starts crying) Just because I'm different! It's not fair! (Is about to run away, but Terminator grabs him by the back of his vest, then lays him face-down on the floor and stamps down hard on his back with his metal-capped boot. There is a crunch. Jack-2 is knocked out. Terminator raises his hand, thinking he is the winner.)
Referee: Nu-uh. You don't win yet. It's a fight to the death.
Terminator: (Sighs) Fine. (Picks him up and snaps his body in half over his knee, then throws both bloodied bits into the crowd, who tear them into even smaller pieces and keep them as souvenirs.)
Referee: And Terminator is the winner!
Terminator vs. Jack-2
Commentator 2: Hello, and welcome to the second instalment of ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament 1! I'm Commentator 1!
Commentator 1: No you're not, I am!
Commentator 2: Well, that's usually the first line.
Commentator 1: Yeah, and I'm supposed to say it! Hello, and welcome to the second instalment of ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament!
Commentator 2: Hey! That's my line!
Commentator 1: I'll fight you for it!
Commentator 2: You don't have the guts to take me on!
Commentator 1: Have some of this! (Pulls hair)
Commentator 2: Ow! You cow! (Slaps Commentator 1)
Commentator 1: Bitch! (Slaps him to the floor)
(Cut to the recording studio. ChristSaviour, as always, is there.)
ChristSaviour: Oh, why does everything always go wrong on my show? Send Terminator to sort them out. (After much electrical sparks, Terminator hurtles down, naked.)
ChristSaviour: (To Terminator) Put some clothes on, man!
(Terminator does so, taking them off ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 1, who just happens to be wearing a really cool black leather jacket and pair of trousers. Terminator then kills him.)
ChristSaviour: Good. Now, where's that stupid kid? (John Connor, from Terminator II: Judgement Day, tells Terminator to go and hurt Commentator 1 and Commentator 2, to bring them to their senses.)
ChristSaviour: Well done, kid, their deaths will give the audiences something to watch while Jack-2 gets ready.
(Cut to the changing rooms. Tekken 2's Jack-2 is in there, having make- up put on by ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slaves.)
Jack- 2: (Girly voice) Do you think I need more mascara?
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 2: No, darling, you look great!
Jack-2: Oh, thank you. (Back to commentating box camera. Terminator has just butchered Commentator 1 and Commentator 2.)
John Connor: (Offstage) Killing's wrong! (Starts crying)
ChristSaviour: Oh, for f...Kill him too, Terminator.
Terminator: Not in mission objectives.
ChristSaviour: John Connor, come here. I mean future John Connor. (Lots of electric disturbance. An adult John Connor appears, naked.)
Adult John Connor: What do you want?
ChristSaviour: Tell the Terminator to kill that snotty brat.
Adult John: Righto. (Tells Terminator to kill young John Connor. Terminator does so. While Terminator is halfway through, Adult John realises that the snotty brat is him as a kid. Young John is dying.)
Adult John: (In extreme pain) No! How will I defeat SkyNet and the Machines now?
ChristSaviour: Whatever.
(Both Johns die.)
ChristSaviour: Hmmm. That was odd. Bring on the contestants.
(Back to the camera in Jack-2's dressing room. Jack-2 is about to go on-stage. He is worried about it.)
Jack-2: Oh, what am I gonna do? I'm so nervous.
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 3: Don't worry, dear, you look excellent.
Jack- 2: Okay.
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 1: Big smile! (Jack-2 walks off.)
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 2: Nice guy.
ChristSaviour Fighting Tournament Slave 3: Yeah, quite nice. (Back to ringside camera. Terminator walks down from the commentating box, while 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns 'N' Roses plays.)
Random crowd member 1: Oooh, he'll win. He has better music. (Jack-2 walks on, wearing a big green military vest and urban camouflaged combats. The music from his stage on Tekken 2 plays.)
Random Crowd member 2: (To Random Crowd Member 1) Yeah, listen to his wussy music.
Jack-2: (To entire crowd) This music's actually quite good.
Referee: (To Jack-2) It doesn't matter, the crowd's already decided that they like Terminator better. (Into microphone, to crowd) Haven't you?
(Crowd cheers)
Referee: You see?
Random Crowd Member 1: (To Random Crowd Member 2) Yeah, The Terminator will win. Who the fuck is that Jack-2 guy?
(Jack-2 grunts, then grudgingly walks into the ring. He waits for Terminator to do so, in a fighting stance.)
Referee: Now, I want a nice, clean, fight. No secret weapons. Terminator, you better not transform your hand into a knife or other stabbing weapon.
Terminator: That's the T-1000.
Referee: I don't care who it was, no knives or other stabbing weapons.
Random Crowd Member 1: Oooh, he's really coming down hard on them. (Terminator walks onstage. Jack-2 is ready for him, and as soon as he does, Jack-2 charges into him and grabs him, knocking him down, so Jack-2 is on top of him, ready to punch him. However, Terminator is too quick, and instantly punches him square in the jaw.)
Referee: Now remember, Terminator, no knives or other stabbing weapons.
Terminator: I already told you, that was the T-1000.
Referee: Yeah well, I don't want you using any T-1000s on him either.
Terminator: (Talking to, seemingly, his shirt) The game's up, T-1000, he's spotted you. (T-1000 crawls out of his shirt.)
T-1000: Dammit.
Terminator: Maybe next time. Love you! (Blows kisses at him as he walks off. Jack-2 uses Terminator's distraction as an opportunity to catch Terminator unawares. He hits him in the belly, then uppercuts him. Terminator is barely damaged at all, and, while still being pinned, gets Jack-2 with a right hook, then kicks him in the nuts.)
Jack-2: Like that hurt. (Secretly) Ooow! My nuts! Jesus Christ!
Referee: Oh yeah, and I don't want to see you using any Jesus Christs on each other, either.
Jack-2: (Into shirt) Dammit. Alright, you'll have to get out. (Jesus crawls out of his shirt)
Jesus: Good. I have to be seen in a prophecy at twelve. I'm a busy man, you know. (Walks off, complaining.)
Referee: How much more can you fit in your shirts?
Terminator and Jack-2: Quite a lot.
Referee: Well, I want you to take it all out.
(Supermario, Chewbacca, E.T., Bender, Agent Smith, Neo, Pop 'N' Fresh, Mr. Peanut, Bugs Bunny and Ace Ventura crawl out of their tops, cursing.
Referee: That's more like it. Now let's get it on! (Terminator is the first to attack, as Jack-2 is busy checking his vest for damage. Jack-2 falls down, complaining that his vest is torn. Terminator lets him get up, then lets fly with a clothesliner.)
Random Crowd Member 1: Oooh, a perfectly executed clothesliner.
Random Crowd Member 2: I dunno, I still think the one at Wrestlemanya 5, Match 7 was better.
(Random Crowd Member 1 shrugs, and drinks some Coca-Cola through a straw. Back in the ring, Jack-2 has gotten up. Terminator swings out to hit him. Jack-2 grabs his fist, pulls him in closer, grabs his other fist and swings him round and round and round and round and round, then lets loose and sends him flying into the crowd. He expects them to maul him, but they carefully put him back in the ring, making sure he's okay. Jack-2 is confused, and Terminator takes the chance to grab him and throw him into the crowd. He lands face-down, and several members of the crowd stamp on his back, then he is thrown back into the ring, frustrated and confused.)
Jack-2: (To Referee) Why did they beat me up, but not Terminator?
Referee: I guess Terminator's just cooler than you, Jack my boy.
Jack-2: (Breaks down and starts crying) Just because I'm different! It's not fair! (Is about to run away, but Terminator grabs him by the back of his vest, then lays him face-down on the floor and stamps down hard on his back with his metal-capped boot. There is a crunch. Jack-2 is knocked out. Terminator raises his hand, thinking he is the winner.)
Referee: Nu-uh. You don't win yet. It's a fight to the death.
Terminator: (Sighs) Fine. (Picks him up and snaps his body in half over his knee, then throws both bloodied bits into the crowd, who tear them into even smaller pieces and keep them as souvenirs.)
Referee: And Terminator is the winner!