Chapter 15.
I was in a world of my own in the car on the way home. Nannie kept up a steady stream of chat, and the radio was on, but I wasn't listening to either. I just kept thinking about how much easier it would be, how much better I'd be feeling right now if I'd told Nannie the truth when she asked, instead of giving her the lamest answer in the world. Maybe I was underestimating her. Maybe she would understand.
I was still thinking when I realised that the car had stopped. I looked up, expecting to see our house, and instead I saw a car park. The radio had been switched off, and Nannie had pulled over, stopped talking and was now watching me closely. She smiled when I looked up at her.
"You want to talk, I can tell." My face twisted into a wry smile. Yes, I wanted to talk. I just didn't know what to say, or how to say it. I decided to go with speaking my mind.
"I want to talk... I just don't know how to start."
"Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear you say." Nannie's smile turned into a grin and she put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. I chewed on my bottom lip for a moment, barely acknowledging that she'd spoken. Her face softened a little, and a touch of concern came into her eyes. "What is it?" I opened my mouth to speak and promptly shut it again. She lifted my head so that she was looking into my eyes. "Don't you know that you can tell me anything?" There was a disconcerting look on her face. Almost... hurt. I knew she was used to me confiding in her. And I really wanted to.
"I don't know what to say."
"Well, how about starting with a basic full sentence, and we'll work from there." She smiled at me again. "Come on, it can't be that bad!"
"It's not bad, it's just... big."
"If it's not bad, then you should be able to tell me easily. I can handle big."
"Okay... okay." I took a deep breath. "Okay, well, it has to do with the, um, person I've been seeing." Even though I was avoiding looking at her, I could see Nannie's eyebrows rise in anticipation. I looked up at her suddenly. "You won't tell anyone will you? Not even Mum or Watson?" She hesitated slightly. "I'm not doing anything wrong," I rushed on, "I just don't want everybody to know yet." Nannie looked at me closely, and gave me a satisfied nod.
"Okay. If you're not doing anything wrong, I don't see why I shouldn't keep it to myself."
"Good. Great. Thanks." Here, I lost my voice again. Not because I wasn't sure if I should talk, but because I didn't know how to go on. There was a moment of silence, and then Nannie rolled her eyes.
"It's not bad. You're not doing anything wrong. Apparently it has something to do with whoever you've been dating. I'm trusting you enough to agree not to tell anybody, despite the fact that I don't know what you're going to say. You still can't tell me? Come on, now. What is it about this boy?"
"It's not." I replied quickly, shutting my eyes.
"Not what?" replied Nannie, her voice confused. I opened one eye slightly, and looked slowly up at her.
"I'm not dating a guy."
I was in a world of my own in the car on the way home. Nannie kept up a steady stream of chat, and the radio was on, but I wasn't listening to either. I just kept thinking about how much easier it would be, how much better I'd be feeling right now if I'd told Nannie the truth when she asked, instead of giving her the lamest answer in the world. Maybe I was underestimating her. Maybe she would understand.
I was still thinking when I realised that the car had stopped. I looked up, expecting to see our house, and instead I saw a car park. The radio had been switched off, and Nannie had pulled over, stopped talking and was now watching me closely. She smiled when I looked up at her.
"You want to talk, I can tell." My face twisted into a wry smile. Yes, I wanted to talk. I just didn't know what to say, or how to say it. I decided to go with speaking my mind.
"I want to talk... I just don't know how to start."
"Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear you say." Nannie's smile turned into a grin and she put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. I chewed on my bottom lip for a moment, barely acknowledging that she'd spoken. Her face softened a little, and a touch of concern came into her eyes. "What is it?" I opened my mouth to speak and promptly shut it again. She lifted my head so that she was looking into my eyes. "Don't you know that you can tell me anything?" There was a disconcerting look on her face. Almost... hurt. I knew she was used to me confiding in her. And I really wanted to.
"I don't know what to say."
"Well, how about starting with a basic full sentence, and we'll work from there." She smiled at me again. "Come on, it can't be that bad!"
"It's not bad, it's just... big."
"If it's not bad, then you should be able to tell me easily. I can handle big."
"Okay... okay." I took a deep breath. "Okay, well, it has to do with the, um, person I've been seeing." Even though I was avoiding looking at her, I could see Nannie's eyebrows rise in anticipation. I looked up at her suddenly. "You won't tell anyone will you? Not even Mum or Watson?" She hesitated slightly. "I'm not doing anything wrong," I rushed on, "I just don't want everybody to know yet." Nannie looked at me closely, and gave me a satisfied nod.
"Okay. If you're not doing anything wrong, I don't see why I shouldn't keep it to myself."
"Good. Great. Thanks." Here, I lost my voice again. Not because I wasn't sure if I should talk, but because I didn't know how to go on. There was a moment of silence, and then Nannie rolled her eyes.
"It's not bad. You're not doing anything wrong. Apparently it has something to do with whoever you've been dating. I'm trusting you enough to agree not to tell anybody, despite the fact that I don't know what you're going to say. You still can't tell me? Come on, now. What is it about this boy?"
"It's not." I replied quickly, shutting my eyes.
"Not what?" replied Nannie, her voice confused. I opened one eye slightly, and looked slowly up at her.
"I'm not dating a guy."