I'm falling as fast
as I know possible...
The air around me feels
so cold.
The time that's past
seems like forever
don't let me fall too far
don't let me go down
don't let me know what love is
I might find a way
without you.
I'm falling into the dark
light the crevasse
in which I've grown
so cold.
The time's it's taken
seems like forever.
After Suzaku showed up with her bags the next day, Kagome took to hiding in her room. She hated seeing her mother kissing her Inu-yasha. She hated waking up in the middle of the night and hearing them at it. She spent many of her nights crying into her pillow, muffling the sobs because of his acute hearing. Every night at dinner, she kept her head bowed, and ignored both her mother and Inu-yasha.
Every morning, she woke and wrote in her notebook, her tear diary. She wrote how she was beginning to spite her mother, how she hated to love him. She even described each of her painful dreams. Kagome was sinking deeper and deeper into herself, ignoring what once used to make her happy. Concerned looks from Inu-yasha didn't faze her; lectures from her mother flew over her shoulder.
Her fallen tears went unnoticed, and nearly a month went by before someone came to make it better. One night, after a conversation-less dinner, Kagome stood behind her closed door. She knew the lecture was coming, and she heard footsteps down her hall. When they stopped outside her door, she opened it, expecting her mother.
"Kagome... we need to talk." Inu-yasha said, pushing past her, and sitting on her bed. She followed silently, and sat across from him. He took her hand, and she looked down at the old bandage. She knew her cut was infected. She could feel the dull pain underneath the unchanged gauze. It had turned yellow from the pus.
"Tell me what's wrong, Kagome." He said, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. She withdrew her hand from him, and set it in her lap. She looked away from him. "Please... Kagome... look at me." He put a hand on her shoulder.
She shook it off roughly. "Don't touch me." She whispered. She moved her eyes up to his friendly amber orbs. "I hate you."
He stared at her, taken aback by the change. Her stormy blue eyes had turned a stone gray, her skin pallid and drawn over her face like wax. Her beauty still shone through her skeletal looks; her essence was cold and graceful.
"Kagome? Why do you hate me?" He said, inching closer. She glared at him through those eyes that held almost no emotion. He searched her face, and found only hatred. Besides what looked like love. She hissed at him, and folded her arms over her chest. "Please tell me." he said, putting a firmer grip on her shoulder.
"I HATE YOU!" She cried out, beating his chest with her tiny fists. Tears poured from her eyes. "I HATE YOU!"
He wrapped his arms around her and brought her into his lap. She screamed in agony, and beat against him. "LET GO OF ME!! I HATE YOU!!" She shrieked, struggling against his firm grip. He started kissing the very top of her head, and brought her even closer.
"Shh... Shhh..." He murmured into her hair. She stopped screaming, and began to weep into his chest. He was taken aback when her arms wrapped around his back, and she bawled uncontrollably. Five minutes went by and she was finally asleep, spooned against him, tears still falling from her closed eyes. He lifted his head when Suzaku came to check on them. Smiling and nodding he said 'Everything's alright.' She smiled, and closed the door. He exhaled in relief. He had been yearning for a chance like this. Kagome was more seductive than he thought she knew.
He drew her in closer, and breathed in her tantalizing scent. So simply perfect, yet complex. When her mood changed, her scent spiked. He nuzzled the back of her neck and wondered if it would hurt if he just had a taste.
She moaned loudly, and he covered her mouth with his hand. He continued to nibble the back of her neck. He heard a muffled 'oh' and he heard her irregular breathing. She was awake.
"I-Inu-yasha?" She whispered. She felt a body pressed to hers. Who else could it be? Maybe it was another dream... yes, that was it. She had grown closer to the Inu-yasha in her dreams than the one in real life. But all of her dreams had begun to feel empty. He offered her everything, and it appeared, but they lacked life. She woke every night in a cold sweat and unsatisfied.
"It's Inu-yasha, Kagome."
'His voice sounds so real...'
"A-am I dreaming?" She asked, poking the arm wrapped around her. It felt real.
He chuckled. "No. Do you dream about me often?"
She blushed. "No..."
"You sound so uncertain." he said, tickling the back of her neck. She shuddered.
"Why are you here? Why aren't you with her?" Kagome said, getting angry. He was hurt.
"You need me. I need you. You're silence has made me worry."
She laughed loudly; shifting so that she was no longer pressed to him. "I don't need you. You certainly don't need me. You have my mother, and I have no one but myself, and I'm perfectly fine with that." She wriggled free of his grasp, and stood up, leaving him cold.
"Kagome..."
"Don't talk to me, don't touch me. You made me think that you liked me. Everything you say could be a lie... I can never see your eyes again without remembering that you already belong to someone else." Kagome began to cry again, he could hear the shaking of her voice and smell the salt of her tears. He got up silently, and stood in front of where he thought she was.
"I know, Kagome. And for once I realize that I can't be with you. You're beautiful... perfect. But I had already chosen one. Too hasty if you ask me, now I have to watch you bloom into a more and more beautiful woman, watch you get hurt by men. There's nothing I can do about it now," he said, turning to leave, "your mother and I are engaged." he opened the door, stepped out of it, and closed it behind him, catching a last glance of her, her head bent, and her shoulders slack. As he walked toward his door, a cry of pain that struck a cord in his heart shook the walls.
"JUST KILL ME! GET IT OVER WITH!" She screamed out of her balcony window. She collapsed against the stone barrier. Sobbing into the cold, hard marble, she sunk to the floor. "Just kill me... Just kill me..." She repeated into the smooth surface. With Inu-yasha as her father, she would have to live with siblings with his face... and she'd have to go to their wedding... and she'd have to see them kiss and be happy.
She looked down between two of the columns. The ground seemed so far away. But close enough. Taking a deep breathe, and stood up. A cold wind swept her hair from her wet face. She put one pale foot on the marble, held on to the wall beside her, and lifted the other foot. Slipping slightly, she gasped, and held onto the wall tighter. She let go of the wall, and balancing, walked out to the center of the low stone barrier. Closing her eyes, she spread her arms wide, and let her weight shift forward. She smiled as the cold air rushed past her tears.
"KAGOME!" She felt herself be jerked painfully. Someone grabbed onto her wrist. She looked up furiously at the person holding her. "What are you doing?!"
"I was about to ask you." Kagome said coldly, twisting her hand around, trying to loosen his grip.
"You want to fall?!"
"Yes. Let go of me."
Inu-yasha bit into his lip, drawing blood. "Kagome, you baka, get up here now!"
"Let GO of me! I want to die! She cried furiously, twisting her arm around so that he had to grab on with two hands.
He ignored her, and began hauling her up. Before she could struggle more, he had her under the armpits.
"NO!" She yelled, kicking with her legs. "LET ME DIE! I'M GONNA DIE ANYWAY, BASTARD!" He picked her up, and put her over his shoulder. She started beating his back with he fists. He walked calmly into her room, and threw her down on the bed. Before she could struggle, he had her pinned, his hands on her arms and knees on her thighs.
"Tell me why you're going to die anyway." He said calmly.
"I'll die! I can't stand her anymore! I can't stand you! GET OFF ME!" She thrashed wildly with her torso.
He blinked, and slowly removed his grip on her. She shook violently, crying silent tears. He gazed, concerned at her.
"Just leave me to die, Inu-yasha. You're not helping any." She turned over on her bed and wept into her pillow. She heard the door close quietly.
That night, she didn't hear a sound from his bedchambers.
The next morning, Kagome woke in a better mood than she had been in a while. After letting out the reservoir of tears that had been gathering in her heart, Kagome could finally enjoy a nice breakfast with her mother. Humming happily, Kagome pulled on a pair of jeans, and walked out of her room. She was appalled at her behavior last night, she would have to apologize to Inu-yasha when she saw him at breakfast. Kagome would also have to confront her mother about her feelings. Inu-yasha was perfect for her, Kagome. She would have to deal with him being gone. She knew this was coming, and she knew that there was no other way out of it.
"Forget..." She said, looking at one of the paintings on the wall. It was of a clear blue sky, with golden sunlight shining through the cotton ball clouds. She smiled. For some reason, she had also forgotten to record her dream in her book. She shrugged lightly, and kept walking down the hallway. When she reached the table, Suzaku and Inu-yasha both looked up from their breakfast.
"Good morning, honey." Suzaku said, smiling.
"Morning. I'm starved! Where's the food?" she said, sitting down next to Inu-yasha and pulling the plate towards her.
"Someone's in a good mood." Inu-yasha said, amused, watching her scarf down a muffin.
"Mff umf!" She grinned, her mouth full. She swallowed the blueberry muffin, and lunged for the orange juice.
"Dear, Inu-yasha and I have been thinking... Marriage seems just too soon for us. I'm so sorry, I know you were looking forward to a father."
Kagome spit her orange juice across the mahogany table. "Y-you're not getting married?" She glanced from Inu-yasha to her hands. "Sorry about the mess." Inu-yasha snorted.
"No problem, It's worse when it comes up the nose."
"Dear!"
"Sorry."
Suzaku turned to Kagome. "Sometimes I feel like I have to baby sit him."
Kagome laughed, and got up to clean up her spill.
"Dear, we forgot to tell you, Inu-yasha owns a small stable out back." Mother said, gesturing over her shoulder.
"Mom, you know I don't like horses. They smell worse than Inu-yasha in the afternoon!"
"I resent that."
"Shut up."
"Kagome!" Suzaku scolded. Kagome grinned and shrugged.
Inu-yasha got up from the table, and ruffled Kagome's matted hair. "Meet me down here in fifteen minutes, I bought you something." Kagome stared at her feet, waited until he left, then fled from the room, ignoring her mother's eyes.
She ran to her room, and pulled off her baggy T-shirt. As she was rummaging through her drawers, she did not notice her door swing open.
"You ready yet?"
Kagome turned around in her baby blue bra.
"EEk!" She squeaked, turning around. "N-no I'm not ready."
"Sorry!" He cried, closing the door with a snap. She sighed, and pulled on her favorite button-down shirt. She grabbed her brush and ran from the room, and practically flew down the steps. She skidded to a halt in the main hall.
"Glad you made it, follow me." Inu-yasha said calmly, beckoning out the front door. She followed him around the mansion, marveling at the size of house. When they had walked for at least twenty minutes, an acrid smell touched her nose. She sneezed.
"I thought I told you I didn't like horses." She said, covering her nose.
"Just shut up and follow me." Kagome passed several workers pushing wheelbarrows full of muck or sawdust. She followed him past several rows of stalls, most of them unused. He stopped outside of a particularly nice-looking stall. It had a bronze plaque on the stall. 'Manhattan'
"I hope you like it. I bought it from a prize-winning dealer. He slid the door open. She gasped at the beautiful horse. It had to be at least eighteen hands, a beautiful dappled bay. He had a wavy mane and tail. He turned his large head in her direction, and perked its ears up in interest.
"Oh... Inu-yasha... He's beautiful!" She cried, hugging him around the neck.
"I take it you like him!" he said through her hair.
"I love it! He's so pretty! How'd you get him?" She let go of Inu-yasha and walked cautiously into the fresh sawdust. Manhattan bent his head down and examined her through dark brown eyes. His ears twitched to the side, and walked slowly toward the strange girl. She whispered to him, pet his face gently, and put one hand near his mouth.
"I said. I bought him from a dealer. Very eager to sell. Apparently he was causing too much trouble. I thought he was perfect for you." She smirked in his direction.
"But now you have to teach me how to ride him." She giggled as Manhattan nibbled on her sleeve.
"My horse is being groomed as we speak," he said, pulling a leather halter from the hook on Manhattan's door. "Put this on him." He handed her the halter, and she found where the nose was supposed to go. Manhattan bent his head for her so that she could buckle the strap.
"Look, he likes me!" She giggled happily as Manhattan nudged her back gently.
Inu-yasha smiled. "Bring him this way." She nodded, and hooked a finger into one of the metal rings.
"Inu-yasha... I really appreciate this." She said, as he hooked the cross-ties up to the halter.
"Anything to cheer you up." He said, walking away from Manhattan. "Just... don't pull a stunt like that ever again." He said, stopping near one of the rooms with saddles.
"Wha- Oh." She said, stopping behind him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry."
"But I worry about you all of the time." He said, turning around. "I can't help it, Kagome..." He said, pushing her gently against the hard wooden wall.
She gasped, and blushed deeply. It was coming. Soon enough it would arise, and he had chosen this moment. He lowered his mouth to hers, and began to pry her lips apart with his tongue. When she didn't respond, he broke away and looked at her. Her face was bent, and she was worrying her lip with her teeth.
"Just kiss me, Kagome..." He said, placing his fingers under her chin.
"I can't!" She whispered. "I just can't!"
"Please." He said, bringing his lips closer to her wet ones.
"Don't you understand?" she said quietly. "It's outlawed. You're with my mother."
"Just one kiss won't hurt. I'm closer to your age anyway." He pressed his lips to hers. He nibbled her bottom lip gently, and to his glee, she opened to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist, and bent her head to the side so that she could trace his fangs with her tongue. He groaned at the flavor, at the feeling. It was bliss. He shoved his tongue into the very crevasses of her mouth, tasting every bit of her that he could find. He threw so much passion behind his kiss that Kagome felt her legs turn to jelly. She pulled away, and let go of him.
"I-Inu-yasha... Why do you do this to me?" She felt tears brewing in her angry eyes. She hastily wiped them away, and smiled in understanding at his silence. "Teach me. I want to learn."
"Anything you say." He said, smiling, taking her hand. "You're horse should be ready by now.
Kagome was unpleasantly surprised at the style in which she would be riding. She had no method of steering, no method of stopping, no stirrups, no saddle. Inu-yasha led both of the horses with ropes over their necks.
"First, I'll teach you how to use your legs to control the horse." He let the two tall horses out into the corral. Kagome stared in wonder as they frolicked around, bucking, galloping, and rearing. Inu-yasha's horse mesmerized her. It was a beautiful white color, other than its legs, mane and tail. They were pitch black.
"This is Shadow, She's my horse. She's a very rare breed of bay. Isn't she pretty?" Kagome nodded silently, watching the horses trot around happily. "Let's go." Inu-yasha opened the gate, and pulled Kagome inside. The two horses at once stopped playing, and perked up at the sight of their owner. Manhattan and Shadow trotted happily up to Inu-yasha. He grinned at Kagome.
"You just jump." He said, as he jumped, landing on his stomach, then swinging his leg over, then he sat on her with such grace. Kagome fell in love all over again. His hair matched the white of the horse's coat. She noticed that Manhattan was giving her a 'well?' look. Kagome laughed nervously and wondered how the hell she was supposed to get onto the thing.
"Can you help me?" She said, reaching up to him. She could put her arms all the way around him if she went on her toes. He reached down, gripped her wrists, and hauled her onto his horse in front of him. She was sitting with both of her legs to left.
"You have to put one on either side." He said, gripping her waist to keep her from falling. She swung one leg to the other side, and leaned against him.
"W-we're so high up!"
"You'll have to get back onto Manhattan." He said, putting his chin on her shoulder. Kagome nodded, and saw her horse sniffing the ground impatiently. She shrieked when Inu-yasha lifted her up, and placed her on Manhattan.
"Okay, so to get them to go, you squeeze with your calves." He said, demonstrating. Shadow obediently walked forward. Kagome tried, and Manhattan shook his head and walked forward four steps.
"I did it!" She said, clapping her hands. He smiled; the taste of her mouth was still on his tongue.
"Okay, now to steer. You squeeze with the leg corresponding with the direction you want him to go." he turned Shadow to the right. Kagome nodded, and managed to get Manhattan to turn with Shadow.
"Yeah!" she said, pumping the air with her fist. "Now can we go run around? Outside? Like in the movies?" She said, her eyes lighting up.
"Of course not." Inu-yasha laughed. "If we did that, we'd need saddles. At least you would."
"Can we?" Kagome said, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.
"Sure, why not?"
Kagome spent the rest of her morning, and afternoon riding with Inu-yasha out on the trails.
Nearly a month had past before Kagome too a break from riding. She was getting slowly sick of life like this. Having everything done for you, having your own room cleaned, having you're own dishes cleaned... Kagome needed to be a modest living girl once more.
The next morning, Kagome went to the barn by herself. The chill air seemed to hang around her, and the dim light of pre-dawn made her shiver. The workers had not arrived yet, and she was going to groom Manhattan herself for once. She had no problems with him, taking him from the stall and putting him on crossties. She could tell that he had slept on his side, because pieces of sawdust were stuck to his fur. The past month, the air had grown cold, and Kagome loved seeing Manhattan in his winter coat. His usually sleek fur was now coated over with extra long and soft hair. He looked like a big teddy bear with his ears forward and fuzzy.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out an apple she had stolen from the kitchens. Manhattan's ears perked forward, and he bent his head down, staring at the apple in her hands. She held it out, and with glee, he took it and bit it in half, drooling apple juice all over the neatly cleaned pavement. Kagome giggled, and fed the second half to him after he had finished. Her hands nearly froze from the wet apple juice. She tucked her hands into her jacket pockets and wondered where the brushes were.
She looked in closets, and looked in the room with the saddles. She couldn't find a single brush.
"Do you need some help?" She spun around at the voice. Inu-yasha was leaning in the doorway.
"You know where the grooming tools are? I want to groom Manny my self today."
"Why would you want that, the workers are paid well to do that." He said, stepping into the small room. Kagome realized the smallness and that he was blocking the only way out.
"I want to bond with him. Besides, I'm sick of this life, have everything done for you. How can you live like this?" She said, trying to get past him.
"Have you so soon forgotten that day about three weeks ago... where we stood right near this spot and shared-"
"I know what we shared!" She cried, shoving her hands farther into her pockets. "It was wrong, and you know it. What about mother? Do you love her?"
"It was wrong, Kagome... but I can't get you out of my mind." he said, stepping closer, pushing her against the far wall.
"What do you want from me?" She breathed out, making small clouds in his face.
"What do you think, Kagome? Ever since the first day I saw you, I knew I had the wrong woman." He said, putting two hands on her hips. Kagome began to panic, and looked around her. There was a woodpile next to her, which caused her to go into shock. She had to get out of there, and now.
"I-Inu-yasha? You may be hot, you may be sexy, but you're hurting me, and scaring me. Get off me." She said, pushing against his chest.
"Just one more kiss, Kagome, that's all I wanted. Please just let me." She was helpless against his kisses, and nodded, as he sighed in joy and captured her lips with his. His tongue writhed unbelievably against hers, and she swooned, collapsing onto him. He picked her up and sat her on the woodpile. Nipping her neck, he moved down to her shoulder. Her heart skipped a beat, and her breath quickened. Her hands found their way to his lower back, and his pace quickened. His lips felt like they were burning holes into her, and the air felt like it was freezing her.
When his hands moved to her jeans button, she gasped, and a hand shot down to protect herself. "Inu-yasha!" She said harshly, pushing him off. "Tell me where the brushes are."
"They are in a locked cabinet in the lodge." He said, moving away, and scratching the back of his head.
"Thanks."
She groomed Manhattan in silence, and waited Inu-yasha to come back and say hi or something. He didn't return, and part of her was regretting stopping him.
----
Don't take my hand
Don't look for me when I'm gone
Don't cry when I don't return...
I may find a way
with out you.
I've fallen.
----