Disclaimer: FF8 characters and locations don't belong to me. Nor does the song "Blue" which was written by Yoko Kanno, and performed by Mai Yamane.
Chapter 3: Life is Just a Dream
She had cried herself to sleep the night before. She had cried until she was choking on her own tears, and her body was trembling uncontrollably. The look in his eyes as his glance shifted between her and Max, it shone clearly as jealousy. If he was jealous, did that mean he still had feelings for her? Did the fact that he dodged his friends just to talk to her alone mean that he still felt something? That he hadn't moved on? She finally came to the conclusion that it didn't matter. He thought that she had, and she would probably never see him again anyways.
After such a long night of tearing herself apart, she wasn't in the greatest of moods when the phone rang at eight o'clock that morning. She snatched the phone off the hook angrily and placed it against her ear, trying to focus on what the caller was saying through her sleep-hazed mind.
"Hello, is this Rinoa Heartilly?"
"Yes," she replied in a groggy tone. "Who's this?"
"I'm an assistant to President Laguna Loire. You may not know this, but the president is terminally ill. In fact, the doctors don't really think he'll make it through the night. He asked us to call you, before he died. He wants you to come to the presidential palace and perform for him."
"But why?"
"I'm not sure, I just know that it was the request of a dying man. Will you come?"
Rinoa sighed. It had been such a long night. The idea of staying home and sleeping in had seemed like paradise to her. She was tired, depressed, and felt as if she'd been hit by a truck. "Yes, I'll come. What time."
"Anytime you can. The sooner the better, however. He could go at any moment."
"Alright," she replied softly. "I'll be there soon."
She hung up the phone and let loose a massive yawn. Yes, she felt terrible, but still, she couldn't deny the wish of a dying man, especially one she knew personally.
As her senses returned to her, so did the image of his eyes, boring into her own. He had watched her sway gracefully to the music, his eyes following her every movement as if he were entranced. He never took the time, while they were together, to study her so closely. Why now? Why after all this time and pain did he suddenly find her so interesting?
"Just when I'm getting used to being without you, you have to show up again. I didn't think it was possible to be more miserable than I was... Guess you proved me wrong again," she murmured bitterly as she stood from the bed and strode to her closet.
She pushed aside her glitzy performance gowns, thinking it inappropriate for such a morbid occasion. In the back of her closet she found two other dresses, one a simple, off-the-shoulder crimson, and the other... was short, off-white, and looped around her neck.
"Damn you!" she cursed at the memory, which brought to her mind yet again, the man she had seen the night before. She jerked the red gown from the closet and tossed it to her bed. "Everywhere I look, there's something of you there!"
Rinoa brought a trembling hand to her mouth, and tried to suppress the oncoming sobs. Now was not the time to revel in her grief. She had a 'gig' to perform, a promise she had to keep.
After a long, hot shower, she fixed her hair and slipped into her dress. As she left the apartment building, she was surprised to see a white stretch limo hovering above the blue-tinted street. A man she recognized as Kiros stepped out in his white presidential robes, and forced a smile. "Ms. Heartilly, nice to see you again."
She nodded to him and quickly stepped into the vehicle with his help. "Nice to see you, too. I must say, I'm flattered he wanted me to perform for him."
"We've all heard great things about you. And, you are the daughter of his first love, you know. He was thrilled when he heard that you had chosen to pursue her career."
"He knew my mother?"
"Julia Heartilly? Yes. I remember Laguna dragging us to the Deling City bar on several occasions, just to see her." Kiros laughed a little, but the look of sorrowful nostalgia was clearly present in his eyes.
"I'm sorry that this has happened. It must be terribly hard for you and Ward."
He nodded. "Yes, well... I suppose his time has just come. He's lived a full life. I just wish that Squall would forgive him."
Rinoa couldn't help but shake her head. "Don't expect much from him. He's too wrapped up in himself to notice anything or anyone else."
His eyes widened slightly in surprise, and he opened his mouth to speak. After a moment's consideration, he just shook his head, and closed him mouth. He peered out the window, feeling an uncomfortable silence sink in, and announced, "Oh look, we're almost there."
As he looked back at the saddened young woman, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd made the right decision in keeping his mouth shut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The presidential palace hadn't changed at all since she'd been there over a year ago. There were still the same strange lift devices, which were absent from her neighborhood, and the scene of Winhill painted over the double doors to his conference room. She was taken beyond this, however, to a part of the palace she'd never seen.
Two arched, gold-painted doors opened up to a beautiful ballroom with white marbled floors and giant gold pillars. The ceiling was a glass dome, and as she looked up through it, she couldn't help but be reminded of the ballroom in Balamb Garden.
(That was where he kissed me for the first time. Where he deceived me into thinking he actually cared.)
In the center of the room, a white grand piano stood, and in front of it, a line of luxurious red-cushioned chairs. She recognized an older, frail looking Laguna seated in the middle, and Ward beside him. Laguna seemed to have aged so much since last she saw him, that it startled her.
When finally she stood next to the piano, she bowed to Laguna, and smiled. "It's an honor to be here, sir."
"Come now, Rinoa. You know I hate that formal talk," he said in a strained voice. "We're old friends, remember?"
"Of course I do," she replied sincerely, and her smile grew. "It's been quite a while, Laguna. You're looking old."
The people seated around him gasped, but he just laughed mightily. "I guess so, huh? You look more lovely than ever."
"Thank you, Laguna. Now, what would you like me to play for you?"
He considered for a moment. "When I first asked you here, I was thinking I'd ask you to play "Eyes on Me". But, now that you're here, I think I want you to play me one of your own songs. Something..." he paused for a moment and sighed. "Bitter sweet."
"I can do that," she replied as she seated herself on the piano bench and began to draw a melody from its depths. Without hesitation, she cleared her throat, and started to sing in a strong, even voice.
Never seen a bluer sky I can feel it reaching out, and moving closer There's something 'bout blue On an overhang overlooking the dance floor where Rinoa played, Squall stood, his elbows leaned against the polished railing. No one had bothered to tell him that Rinoa was coming to the palace. Even if they had, he wasn't certain if he would've left, or stayed and watched her from afar, as he did now. His face twisted into something between a smile and a frown as he mused on how he was beginning to feel like her stalker. He halfway wondered if his father had done this on purpose. Somehow, probably from Selphie's big mouth, Laguna had learned about his problems with Rinoa. He wouldn't put it past the nosy old man to try and force them into the same room again. Squall shook his head, part of him wishing he'd never come at all. His heart had rejoiced at the sight of her, and once he saw her step on to that stage, nothing could've made him look away from that beautiful creature that had once been his. Now, she belonged to another man, and all his efforts had been for nothing. Of course she wouldn't want to talk to him. She had put their painful past behind her, and was now happy with someone else. Yes... it was all for nothing. Ask myself was it's all for You know the funny thing about it, I couldn't answer No, I couldn't answerStill, there was one thing that bothered him. When her new man had stepped outside and caught them together, she had looked at him with remorse in her eyes. Was it because she hadn't wanted her new boyfriend to see her talking to her ex? Or perhaps she... missed him?
No, he quickly pushed that thought from his mind. She didn't feel that way for him anymore, it was evident in the cold way she spoke to him. Rinoa had sounded just like he used... like he still did. He hated himself for it. Before he'd broken her heart, she had been a bright, cheerful young woman, and now, she acted no better than him, an empty shell of a human being. His fears had dragged both of them into hell, and now the only thing he had to hold on to was the hope, the illusion that the glimmer of regret in her eyes had been for him.
Things are turning deeper shades of blueAnd images that might be real, maybe illusions...
Keep flashing off and on
If only there were something he could do, something he could say to set both of them free of their pain, and back into the life they once knew. No amount of apologies would accomplish that goal now.
Free...
Wanna be free...
Gonna be free...
And move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
Laguna watched Rinoa play intently. She looked just like her mother had when he used to go watch her play. There was one, notable difference, though. Her mother had always seemed so happy when she was on stage, playing for an audience. In Rinoa, he could only see the pain of a deeply wounded heart. He recognized that same pain in his own son, no matter how hard he tried to stifle his emotions.
Long ago, when he was a younger man, he'd made the mistake of going away to war, and leaving his love behind. Though he'd moved on, and found a new life, he still felt the sharp pang in his heart when he was told of Julia Heartilly's marriage. Raine was his one, true love, yet still, there were feelings for Julia that would never die. Now, was his son to make the same mistake he did, and leave his love behind? Laguna found another, but he didn't believe Squall ever would. For his son, there was but one soul mate, and he feared that Squall would not fight for her as he needed to. Laguna could only hope that after his life had faded, and he joined with the heavens above, that his son would not repeat his past.
Please...
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seems
Feeling so free...
No black and white, in the blue...
Rinoa wanted to cry out at the words she sang. A dream... that's what her life was like. A hopeless, meaningless dream where there was no end and no beginning. Where did the real world start, and where did the numb illusions she held so close to her fade? She could pretend that her independence was freedom, she could pretend that she was safe in the world she'd built around herself, and so long as reality did not interfere, her dream would continue untouched.
That's why she hated Squall's sudden appearance back into her life. It disrupted the safety of her delusions, and brought all the feelings she wanted to forget back to the surface. So long as she could release the hurt she felt in the form of a song, she could pretend afterward that she were disconnected from it. Yet, when she'd found herself face to face with everything she'd tried to leave behind, the borders of her calm, mediocre blue world were breeched, and the questions of right and wrong entered once more.
How could she ever know if she were truly living, if everything had faded into a dream?
Everything is clearer nowLife is just a dream, you know
That's never ending...
I'm ascending...
A lump was quickly growing in Squall's throat as he watched Rinoa's graceful movements, and he hated it. Everything about her, he loved it so much, that now he couldn't help but hate it. He'd never noticed these things before. So why now, why did he suddenly notice now that it had all been taken away?
He looked on as Rinoa stood and bowed to her small audience, absorbing their claps and cheers, and praise with a tiny, sad smile. Before her eyes could fall upon him, he hurried out to the balcony overlooking the desert and tried to get her off his mind.
Downstairs, Kiros stood and approached Rinoa as Ward helped Laguna get up to go to his room and rest. "Laguna says that you're free to stay and roam around for however long you like. You can even stay the night if you wish."
"No, I would hate to impose. I might stick around for a while, though," she replied, her eyes edging back to the staircase where she'd just seen a blur of black and white. She didn't want to speak to him, and yet, her heart yearned to look upon him, just one more time.
"Alright. The limo will be waiting for you. In the meantime, our house is your house."
Rinoa waited until Kiros had gone before quickly climbing the stairs and stepping out onto the balcony. Squall heard her heels clicking on the floor, and turned immediately to face her.
She squirmed beneath his intense gaze as it traveled the length of her body and back. Were it any other man, she would have screamed at them for being a pervert, but the fact that he was actually taking the time to look at her... well, it was flattering. Besides, she couldn't really get mad at him for eyeing her when she was so tempted to do the same to him. "I..." her heart was thundering beneath her breast, as her mind scrambled desperately for something to say. "I just wanted to say, Max and I aren't involved, or anything," she blurted.
He gave her a curt nod. "That's nice. But why should I care?"
Inwardly he kicked himself for being so cold, but after the way she'd treated him the night before, it was just his natural reaction.
"Whatever," she spat. "Isn't that what you'd usually say? Of course, I should know that you don't care. Since when did you ever care? Well, I guess I don't owe you an apology anyway. If anything you're the one that-"
"You won't take a damn apology from me!" he exploded. "You never have! Instead of accepting the fact that I was sorry, you just ran!"
"Oh please! You're apologies were never sincere! Every time you were late, every time you stood me up, every time you made me cry, you would say, 'look, I'm sorry', but you never changed! There's only so much a person can take!"
"You didn't give me time to change! You got pissed off one good time, and just took off without a word! You abandoned me... In the end you're no different than anyone else."
"Well, you know, maybe Ellone abandoned you because you were so damn selfish!" As soon as the words had escaped from her lips, she regretted them. The others had told her before that after Ellone left, Squall blamed himself repeatedly. Now, here she was, driving a stake into his lifelong wound. She covered her mouth with her hand. "I... I'm so sorry, I-"
Squall turned without another word and began walking back inside, his jaw set and his shoulders rigid against her stare.
After a split second of hesitation, Rinoa ran after him, locking her hands around his arm and tugging him to a stop. "Wait! I didn't mean that, it just slipped out, I swear!" she cried desperately. "You just made me so angry, and I-"
"I don't want to hear your apologies."
"Squall, please!"
"No!" he replied frostily. "If you won't hear me out, why should I hear you out?"
He continued down the stairs, leaving her behind. Rinoa sobbed, as if the anguish she'd inflicted on him were now her own. She leaned against the railing, her shoulders shaking wildly as she wondered what kind of demon had possessed her to say such a thing.
Squall took a few more steps down before he finally came to a stop. He sighed and closed his eyes briefly, before heading back up the stairs and cautiously placing a hand on her shoulder. As much as he wanted to walk away from her, he could never stand to hear her cry, and now was no exception.
She raised her head to look at him, her eyes glittering and her makeup running down her face. "S-Squall?"
"Dammit," he growled, turning away and crossing his arms over his chest. "You know I... that I can't stand for you to cry. You'd think that it hurt you worse than me."
"Believe it or not," she sniffled, "I don't really like to see you in pain."
He leaned against the railing next to her, much in the same fashion as he had before. "This is a mess."
She nodded, then laughed. "Yeah. Squall... I don't want you to hate me."
"I don't... So long as you don't hate me."
She shook her head. "No, I don't. This doesn't mean that I can forgive you, or that we can... I mean, I just don't want to..."
"I know what you mean. Well, now that we can at least stand to be in the same room together... I'm sure Laguna would appreciate it if you would attend his funeral."
Rinoa nodded. "Yes, I will. When will it be?"
"Most likely two days from now. He's expected to pass tonight."
"I see. Well, I better be getting back home. I have work later this evening."
"Alright," he replied, stepping away from her slightly. "…Goodnight, Rinoa."
She nodded back, and gave him a tearful smile before heading down the stairs. "Goodnight, Squall."
On the ride back home, the burden felt a little lighter, the ache in her heart seemed a little duller... and her world of blue seemed a little brighter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Chapter: "Gotta Knock a Little Harder": Can one tragedy mend another? Squall faces the loss of his father in the arms of the love he lost a year before.
Note: The song "Blue" is not actually performed with a piano, but since, as far as my imagination knows, Rinoa doesn't play guitar, or those bell thingies, or those weird drum-sounding thingies, she just played piano.