"Does anyone have a cell phone?" Pippin asked for the 15th time.

"NO!" Everybody shouted.

"Where are we going now, Aragorn?" Frodo asked.

"We are going to Lorien. This cool glow-in-the-dark elf place with a neat gift shop."

Sam grinned happily. "Look! It's Applebee's!"

The fellowship walked into the restaurant. An elf waitress greeted them.

"Welcome to Applebee's. Do you want a table or a booth?"

"Table." Aragorn said.

"Ahem. No. I am the king of Gondor. We're getting a booth."

"Table."

"Booth."

"TABLE!"

"BOOTH!"

"TABLE!"

Aragorn and Boromir started fighting.

"I'm so sorry. My idiotic boyfriend, WHO NEVER PROPOSED, is such a nut."

Arwen grabs Aragorn. She slaps Boromir.

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP! YOUR UGLY AND YOU NEED A HAIRCUT."

"We'll take a booth." Frodo said.

They all sat down.

"OH, WE NEED A HAIRCUT, WHAT ABOUT THIS BLOND-HAIRED DITZY ELF OVER HERE." Aragorn continued.

Legolas takes out his hairspray and sprays his hair.

"I happen to be very proud of my hair. It's fluffy, it's soft, it's tender. Way better then yours."

Frodo and Sam feel Legolas' hair.

"Oh, yeah, that's wonderful." They said.

"YOU TWO ARE BIG, FAT, LOSERS. I'M ONLY MARRYING YOU TO GET AWAY FROM MY FATHER."

"Why don't you just marry Frodo and get it over with!"

Frodo bats his big, blue, eyes.

Pippin gasped. "OH MY GOLLY GOODNESS!"

"What happened, Pip?" Merry asked.

"MY NAIL POLISH IS CHIPPED OFF!" Pippin cries, and Merry comforts him.

"Must you four go on like this?" Sam said to Aragorn, Boromir, Arwen, and Legolas. "You're upsetting my master."

"You refer to him as your master? Wow, you guys are gay."

"Make the wedding plans."

Aragorn and Boromir laughed.

"You two are so immature." Arwen rolled her eyes.

"SHUT UP ARWEN!" Boromir said. "JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN EVERY MOVIE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE A BITCH!"

"I am no such thing!"

"Well, then you're a slut."

"WHAT GIVES YOU THAT IDEA?"

"Who do you think thought the idea for those cheap t-shirts in Rivendell?"

"THAT WAS MY FATHER!"

"I THINK NOT!"

"DON'T CALL HER A SLUT!"

Aragorn slapped Boromir.

Arwen slapped Aragorn, and Boromir.

"ARWEN! YOU ARE SO MEAN!" Aragorn cried. "BESIDES, I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW!"

"What's that?"

"I CHEAT ON YOU WITH EOWYN."

"THAT DUMB BLOND!"

Arwen slaps Aragorn again. She kisses Frodo.

"Wow! I'm not gay anymore!"

Sam cries. They're no longer a couple.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR? HE'S 2 FEET SHORTER THAN YOU!"

Arwen pouts.

"So, what's everyone ordering?" Pippin asked.

The waitress walks up to them. It's Rosie! She's a hobbit!

"ROSIE! I'M GOING TO MARRY YOU!" Sam said happily.

"Yeah, what's everyone ordering?"

"Bacon."

"French fries."

"Hash browns."

"Onion Rings."

"Chicken."

"Like, a salad. I'm on a diet."

"The special."

"Soup."

"Beer."

"Beer."

Merry and Pippin high-fived each other.

"Ooh! Aragorn! After this can we go to Claries?" Legolas said happily. "I've been dying to buy that new Hello Kitty purse."

"Yeah, whatever."

Aragorn sighed. This was going nowhere.