Author's notes- Dang, it took a long time to write this. I apologize for the extreme lack of updates, but had a lot of stuff come up in the last few weeks and just finished with finals. I have no classes this summer, so aside from work, and I will be devoting most of my time to writing. If you are looking for something else to read, check out MiaElf's DBZ fic Mashed Mangled and Mall(ed) by a Princess, which I am writing the next few chapters for. On I side note, I just returned from Fanime in San Jose last Saturday, which brings Us to the next topic…
Author's Rant- There is one question that came to my mind while cosplaying at Fanime. WHY THE HELL DOES NO ONE FEAR GENDO ANYMORE? I only found one person that seemed to have any loathing to direct towards me, and a couple of people actually GLOMPED me! Has REDEATH totally killed Gendo's reputation as the Bastard King?!
Disclaimer- I do not own Evangelion or Jekyll and Hyde.
The events after the battle with the Thirteenth Angel were a blur to him. Shinji remembered the medics taking Touji away on a gurney, the recovery team telling him nothing about the extent of his friend's injuries. He was alive, that was all he knew. On the ride back to headquarters he learned that Asuka was uninjured and that Misato had survived the attack, though the extent of her injuries were unknown at the time.
He hadn't bothered to shower after the battle. He couldn't get rid of the smell of blood if he had wanted to. He simply changed into his street clothes and started walking. Shinji couldn't even remember how he got to the elevator he was waiting for. He just stared at the door as the numbers counted down, anxious to go home.
The doors opened, and there stood his father, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki right behind him. His father looked down at him, and addressed him "Third Child."
"Father," Shinji replied, impassively.
Then he and He didn't even look up at his father as he and the Sub-commander passed.
Just before Shinji could step into the elevator, Gendo stopped and said, "Good work out there today, Shinji."
Shinji froze as he mind broke free of its stupor, his body shaking, taking time for every word to set in. He just kept staring at the elevator door, the uncontrolled tick of his left hand causing his entire arm to tremble in in turn. His father had just called him by his name.
Good work, Shinji.
His father was praising him.
Good…
Praising him for…
Work…
for… for almost killing his friend!
"You…" Shinji whispered, his voice trailing off as he turned around. Gendo heard the mumbling voice from his son, stepping closer so that he towered over Shinji.
"Is there something you wish to say, pilot?" He said, putting more emphasis on the last word.
"You BASTARD!" Shinji yelled, his fist exploding from his side and connecting with the Commander's jaw, knocking him flat on his back.
As the Commander sat up, Shinji stared down at him with a look of revulsion. " You son-of-a-bitch. My best friend was almost killed today, and you're congratulating me for doing it?!" He spat the words through his teeth. "How DARE you?!"
Not giving the commander a chance to respond, or before he could do anything that he might later regret, Shinji stormed past him and the startled Fuyutsuki. As the younger Ikari disappeared down the hall, the Sub-Commander helped Commander Ikari to his feet. "Well," he said, "I'll bet you didn't see that coming."
The Commander straightened his glasses. "No," he said rubbing his jaw, "I didn't"
As soon as he was out of sight, Shinji broke into a run, the feeling of fear running through his veins. Strangely, he wasn't afraid of his father or what he might do, though he was not in any hurry to get caught by the Commander's security goons. No, he was afraid of himself.
And the fear, the excitement, was delicious.
He slammed open a door leading into one of the stairwells, running down several flights before he stopped to catch his breath. He leaned on the railing, staring down into the chasm, breathing heavily.
This had not felt like the other times. He could feel the thirst inside him, the part of him that called itself Hyde wanting to get out, but he hadn't. No, Shinji thought, a manic grin spreading across his face, this time I beat him to the punch.
He flexed his right hand, his knuckles feeling stiff and sore. He squeezed his fist with his left hand, popping his knuckles and sending a jolt of pain through his hand. Damn!
Shinji bent his fingers back the other way, the cracking sound and pain mirroring the moment when his fist collided with the his father's jaw. He chuckled to himself. Damn, that felt good…
"Looks like you decked the old man pretty good back there."
Much to his own surprise, Shinji did not jump at the voice behind him. Instead, he calmly turned around to face the unshaven man behind him. "How did you know so fast, Kaji?"
"I have my sources," the unshaven man said with a smirk, taking a box of cigarettes from inside his jacket.
"Besides," he said as he lit the cigarette, "I just saw the Commander holding his jaw the same way you're holding your hand, and I figured there had to be a connection."
Shinji looked down at his right hand, which he clutched absentmindedly in his left, and smiled at the memory of the impact. It was strange, he felt as if a great weight had been lifted off of him. He felt stronger because of it, and sick to his stomach because of it He turned back around, looking back down the staircase as he had before, while Kaji moved to join him.
"You doing ok, Shinji?"
"Considering what I did," he said sardonically, "I think I'm handling things pretty well."
"Well, it was only a matter of time before someone worked up the nerve to give the commander what he deserves."
"Not that," Shinji corrected him, "What I did to Touji.
"Shinji, you can't blame yourself for what your Eva did," Kaji said. "Even if your Eva hadn't gone berserk…"
"The Eva didn't go berserk," Shinji said, interrupting Kaji. No, I was the one who went berserk…
The gravity of what Shinji was admitting finally hit the double agent. "I see, that would explain a lot. Look Shinji, I know it may not seem that way, but if you hadn't acted things could have gotten a lot worse."
"Worse?!" Shinji shouted, his voice echoing down the concrete walls. "My best friend is in the hospital because of me. How could things get worse?"
"He could be dead," Kaji stated flatly, causing Shinji to draw back, leaning back over the railing. "That angel had to be destroyed, one way or , and if you hadn't done it they would have found another way. Do you think he would have survived if they had dropped an N2 mine on his Eva?"
Shinji had to admit, Kaji made a good argument. Touji could have been killed, or hurt much worse than he already was, but… "That still doesn't change the fact that I almost killed him. If Rei hadn't tried to stop me…"
He had been moments away from crushing the entry plug, for no other reason than to feel the sensation of power as the flimsy metal walls caved in beneath his fingers. Rei had stopped him, putting her own life in jeopardy. The progressive knife had been destined for her entry plug when the power in his Eva had run out. What if he lost control again the next time he got into Unit One? Would there be anyone there to stop him then? He might actually kill someone…
"I can't pilot the Eva anymore…" he whispered to himself.
"Hmm? What were you saying, Shinji?" Kaji asked, having only caught a portion of what he had said.
He ran the thought through his head again before stating with conviction, "I can't pilot Eva again."
"Shinji, I'm sure they'll let you pilot," Kaji said, trying to reassure the boy, then chuckling lightly, "though I can't imagine your father will be too happy with… "
"No, I mean, I'm never going to pilot again."
"Look Shinji, I know its hard to get in that thing," Kaji said, his voice holding none of the laughter it had moments before. "But they need you to pilot Unit One."
Shinji snorted in contempt. "You're just like everyone else," he growled. "The only thing you care about is that that damned machine has a pilot."
"No!" Kaji shouted, angered and wounded by Shinji's accusation. "I do care about you Shinji. And Asuka, and Misato, and everyone else caught up in this whole mess. But I also care about is the lives that 'damned machine' saves every time you get in it."
"Every time I get in that thing, more people get hurt," Shinji said. "Touji and Misato are already in the hospital because of Eva's. What if the next time it hurts Asuka, or even you?"
"Don't you think that I know the risks?" kaji said. "I just got back from the hospital with Ritsuko. I saw what happened to Misato. But you can't let fear control you."
"What if the next time someone gets killed?"
"As much as it pains me to say it, that would be a small price to pay for the number of lives that would be saved."
Shinji could only stare at Kaji, dumbstruck at what he had just said
"Shinji, if we don't stop the Angels, no one will be safe. All it will take is one. If even one gets past, we're all done for."
"What are you talking about?"
"Third impact." Kaji said, emphasizing his words. "The end of the world. It won't matter much if anyone gets hurt when we're all dead, will it?"
"I…" Shinji was torn. He knew he shouldn't force Asuka and Rei to pilot by fight the angels by themselves, but he couldn't put them and everyone else at risk by piloting. Asuka could handle anything that came at them, at least once he wasn't there to get in her way. "No, I've made my decision. Asuka and Rei can handle the angels without me."
Kaji sighed. "Its your choice, Shinji." He looked at his watch. "Damn. I have to meet the Commander and Sub-commander in five minutes."
He turned away from the railing, dropping the cigarette to the ground and grinding it into the concrete. He pushed open the door leading into one of the many hallways in Nerv and paused there. "I know I can't order you to pilot, and I have no right to question your decision after all you've gone through, but I'm disappointed. I expected better from you, Shinji."
And he was gone. Shinji gripped the railing hard, venting his frustration on the metal.
I'm disappointed in you, Shinji…
That hurt more than anything his father could ever do to him…
Shortly after his conversation with Shinji, Kaji stood before the elder Ikari and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki. A battle waged across the Supreme Commander's desk, and though he stood on the Commander's side of the office, Fuyutsuki had the distinct feeling he was merely there as an intermediary, or as a witness should either of them snap and try to murder the other. The mutual loathing between the two men was obvious.
"Commander Ikari," Kaji greeted, warmly "Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki."
"Mister Kaji," Gendo returned. "Thank you for seeing us so promptly."
"I was almost detained. I trust you both are well."
Gendo stared over his hands at the spy. "Let's skip the niceties, shall we, and get to the matter at hand."
You know that we are well aware of your… 'extracurricular activities'," the Commander affirmed, "and that this was the reason for your removal from active battle duty."
Kaji was silent, but the Commander continued, "You are also aware that, if I wanted, I could have you executed for your actions."
Kaji smirked as he looked at the commander, and added, "Off the record, of course."
Ikari looked at the agent contemptuously. "The only reason you are still alive is that you may yet be useful to us."
"Oh?"
The Commander picked up a file on his desk, handing it to Fuyutsuki. "You know of the attacks against the Evangelion pilots?"
"I read the reports," Kaji confirmed, taking the file from the Sub-commander. "The suspect was never caught?"
"We don't have any suspects," the Commander declared.
"Section Two is really slipping lately." Not that they were ever very effective at anything but standing around and acting intimidating before…
"Yes. As you can understand, our primary concern has been weeding out any candidates that could possibly pose a security risk," Fuyutsuki said, glancing at the Kaji, speaking for the first time since the meeting had actually begun. "Unfortunately, there are so many risky candidates, we've been forced to take whoever actually passes the screening process."
Kaji flipped through the folder, skimming the reports, glancing at a pair of grainy surveillance photos showing what appeared to be an adolescent male, with shoulder-length hair wearing a dark trench coat that appeared to be a few sizes too large.
"We have a name and descriptions of the attacker from both the first and second children, as well as partial descriptions from Major Katsuragi and Lieutenant Yamane's security team."
"But you still have no leads on who this guy actually is."
"We are awaiting a DNA analysis from Doctor Akagi," The Sub-commander said, "but given the apparent age of the perpetrator, we doubt he will turn up in any records."
"So, what do you want me for?"
"I'm willing to offer you a deal," Gendo said. "I'm prepared to overlook your earlier actions and start over with a clean slate. You'll be restored to full duty and given total access to all information you need to find this child."
"That's it?"
The Commander nodded. "But, if you cross me again, I will not be as lenient. Understood?"
"Perfectly."
"Dismissed."
Kaji started to leave. "Oh, I almost forgot. How's the jaw?"
The commander glared at him through his glasses, "It is fine."
Kaji smirked. "Just thought I'd be polite and ask."
After he was gone, the Sub-commander spoke up, "You were quite generous in that arrangement. Do you really think this is all necessary, just to find one teenager?"
"Mister Kaji will no longer be a problem. He may be a persistent detective, but he is not a fool. The boy, however, is an unforeseen complication. He has already changed The longer he is at large, the more of a threat he poses to the scenario."
Fuyutsuki nodded, not needing to continue the conversation any more. No matter what the topic might be, in the end, everything that Gendo was remotely concerned with eventually came back to how it effected his scenario.
Ritsuko lit another cigarette, before turning her attention back to her computer, typing away madly on her keyboard. She had been working nonstop since she had been pulled out of the Matsushiro facility. She had been relatively uninjured, only a few scrapes and bruises, which was surprising considering the damage the rest of the facility had sustained. The work had just been piling up since then. Maya had just finished removing the internal recorders from the entry plugs of both Unit One and Unit Three, and had delivered them before retiring for the night.
Maya still had no idea how lucky she actually was. Ritsuko had been debating whether or not to bring one of the technicians with her to the activation test, and Maya had been on the top of the list. It had been a last-minute decision to not take her.
Much of the observation deck had been obliterated in the initial moments of the Angel's attack. She and Misato had barely escaped, and Misato had a broken arm and a mild concussion. They had been among the few to survive the attack. An entire portion of the deck had been completely flattened by the angel.
Had Maya been with them, her post would have been in the center of it.
Ritsuko took another drag off the cigarette, staring up at the ceiling. Maya may not have been there, but a dozen others were. She let out a sigh, releasing the smoke. There was no point in dwelling on what could have happened. Those that lived, lived, and those that didn't…
She took off her glasses, rubbing the bridge of her nose where she had been wearing them for far too long. She found her attention drifting off and shook her head slightly to clear it. Looking at her watch, Ritsuko decided that she had been working long enough to justify taking a quick break to grab some coffee.
She stretched out her stiff muscles as she stood, running a hand through her hair. The coffee pot off to one side of the lab was empty, having been drained of the last of its contents just before the remainder of the lab technicians had packed up for the night. There was probably some near Central Dogma, but she did not want to go all the way to the command center for a cup of coffee if she was unwilling to take the time to make it on her own.
There was a vending machine in a small alcove in the hall outside, and though she typically did not like the coffee it produced, it was a better alternative than falling asleep at her desk.
The vending machine accepted her bills with a mechanical whir. Ritsuko briefly perused the selections, before pressing the appropriate button. A paper cup dropped down with a soft thump and the machine slowly filled it with its hot contents with more noise than should have been necessary.
Taking the coffee from the machine, Ritsuko briefly paused to be sure the drink wouldn't burn her. She took a drink, relishing in the warmth of the coffee. She could almost feel the caffeine hitting her veins. She took a few moments to enjoy her coffee and relax, the quiet of the alcove and the dim light provided by the vending machine proving surprisingly soothing. It was so quiet, she could actually hear her own breathing.
It was so quiet, she could hear the breathing coming from just behind her.
Ritsuko paused in mid-sip, the soft, almost silent, breathing seeming to echo in her ears. She had thought she was the only one left, aside from the graveyard shift up in Central Dogma and possibly a few security personnel.
In fact, there should have been no one in the science division at all other than herself. She slowly turned to see who the intruder was. It was probably nothing, but her hand tensed to throw the coffee in the person's face if she needed a quick getaway.
"Rei?"
The girl sat on a small metal and vinyl couch, more several chairs devoid of armrests with their legs welded together, dozing. She was still sitting upright, her hands folded in he lap, but her head was tilted to one side as her body threatened to tip over, a portion of her blue hair falling across her face and brushing against her nose.
Ritsuko's surprised voice was loud enough to wake her, and Rei slowly sat up straight, blinking a few times as she stirred. She looked at the doctor with a confused expression, still disoriented from her slumber. She mumbled sleepily, "Doctor Akagi?"
"Rei, what are you still doing here? Its…" she looked at her watch, not quite believing the time herself. "Its almost two in the morning. Why didn't you go back to my apartment?"
Rei answered, her voice still sounding groggy, "Commander Ikari ordered me not to return home unaccompanied."
"Why didn't you just ask for a ride home?"
"You were working. I didn't want to disturb you."
As apprehensive as she had been about having the first child staying with her, Ritsuko was forced to admit Rei had been a perfect houseguest. She was quiet, always woke up on time for school, made her own food. If not for the fact that an extra futon had bee laid out, one would have assumed that the doctor still lived alone in the apartment. The girl seemed to have gone out of her way to avoid being a burden on the doctor.
In the three days since Rei had started living with her, Ritsuko had felt quite useless as a guardian. The girl had no real need for her. She could take care of herself. If not for a single lapse in judgment, Rei would have been just fine on her own. Thought Ritsuko had never seen Rei this exhausted before, and the girl looked even more pale than normal today, almost as if… "Rei, have you eaten anything?"
"I ate this morning."
"What about later in the day?"
"Commander Ikari was forced to cancel our lunch this afternoon."
Though it seemed obvious to her, Ritsuko still asked, "You hungry?"
"I will be fine."
"That's not what I asked," Ritsuko said, folding her arms across her chest. The tone of her voice actually sounded like her own mother for a moment, on one of the rare occasions when she wasn't too busy with her job.
"I…" Rei started, before her stomach answered for her.
"Yeah, same here." Ritsuko said when she heard Rei's stomach grumbling. "Come on. Lets get out of here. We'll pick up something to eat on the way home."
"What about your work?" the tired girl asked.
Ritsuko smiled. There was nothing truly important for her to do. Most of the paperwork was routine reports, the rest… "It can wait until tomorrow."
It was the first time she had said something like that in as long as she could remember. She was leaving a good sized workload to wait for her when she got back, but it wouldn't take her too long and she would be able to think better after she got some sleep. Ritsuko told Rei to wait for her, and went back to her office.
She shut everything off, picking up a few stray folders and straightening the stack that had piled up on her desk in the last several hours. She failed to notice one that had fallen behind the desk. She locked the door behind her, the light filtering through the blinds over her window and reached underneath the desk barely illuminating a label that read 'DNA test results'.
Asuka stared at Shinji across the living room as she pretended to watch the television. There was really nothing good on He had been sulking all night long. Sulking wasn't even the right word for it. More like brooding.
The hospital was keeping Misato overnight, so it was just the two of them for the time being. Shinji hadn't bothered to make diner when he got home. He had just grabbed a cup of instant ramen and heated it up in the microwave. From the amount of time it took, the noodles were probably lukewarm. Hell, it was barely in there long enough for the noodles to soften up.
Stupid Baka, she thought as she watched him slowly devour the ramen, why the hell is he doing this to himself? She knew it was because of what had happened to Touji, but it wasn't Shinji's fault. And it sounded like the stooge was going to be fine, though that didn't matter to Shinji, who just used it as an excuse to slip even further into the depression that was already driving her insane.
She didn't know what she could do to break him out of it. He just sat there, hunched over the Styrofoam cup, his slumped shoulders barely moving as he ate. Asuka was going to give him a break and had eaten as small snack when she got back to the apartment, but she began to think that maybe cooking something would be able to get his mind off of his problems for a little while.
"Shinji?" He didn't respond.
"Hey, Shinji" she said, a little louder this time to be sure he had heard her, "Do you think you could cook something for dinner?"
He just sat there, no longer eating, but not moving either. Damnit, she was getting sick of this stupid self depreciating attitude of his, and she was tired of him avoiding and ignoring her.
"Hey Baka!" she shouted, frustrated, "I'm hungry!"
Shinji continued to look at the table while she waited for him to react. Finally he stood, picking up the ramen cup. He walked over to the wastebasket, dropping the empty container into it, then, without a word, walked out of the kitchen, down the hall and into his room, closing the door behind him.
Asuka could only stare after his retreating form. She cursed under her breath and turned off the television. She threw the remote control into the carpet, sending the battery cover and batteries flying away from it like shrapnel when it hit.
She stormed to her room slamming the door so hard that it rebounded completely. Asuka didn't really take notice, she just collapsed on her bed. She buried her face in the pillow, punching it a few times as she muttered, "Stupid, stupid, stupid…"
She wasn't even sure anymore if it wasn't herself that was the stupid one…
"Gott… verdammen…" she whispered, For all she knew, she was only making things worse. In fact, she was fairly certain of it. She didn't know what to do and she was tired, and her stomach felt twisted into knots. She didn't even want anything to eat, and the way her stomach felt she probably wouldn't be able to hold anything down either. She sniffed loudly into her pillow.
A shadow fell over her and she felt a slight weight rubbing her shoulder comfortingly. She turned her head and looked at her visitor, Pen Pen returning the gaze. The warm water penguin had wandered past her open door. Whether it had heard her, or seen her, or perceived through some animal intuition, the bird had sensed her distress and was trying his best to comfort her, despite the inherent risk involved.
Asuka's first response was to yell at the penguin and punt him out of her room, her second, to throw things at him till he left. But all he was doing was trying to cheer her up. It wasn't like he was trying to do anything perverted, he was only a penguin after all. She smiled at the bird in amusement. She reached over and softly patted him on the head, flattening the bright red feathers on his brow.
She scratched the feathers to fluff them up again. Pen Pen, feeling that he was no longer needed, turned around and started to waddle away, only to be grabbed from behind. He let out a sharp 'wark' as he was yanked back, relaxing when he realized the normally-volatile redhead wasn't trying to kill him.
"Danke," she said, giving the penguin a gentle squeeze. As silly as it seemed, she felt better, even thought she was still troubled about Shinji, and as Pen Pen waddled out of her room she was able to close her eyes and drift off to sleep.
Shinji lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and listening to his S-DAT. He had heard Asuka's door slam over the sound of his music, and as far as he knew Asuka was already asleep in the next room.
She was just like the others, only she didn't care about whether or not he was a pilot, just as long as he cooked her dinner and her breakfast and packed her lunch for school every day. Normally he wouldn't have cared, and would have gladly cooked for her, but today he just wasn't in the mood to play the dutiful housebroken male.
He clicked the reverse on his S-DAT, bringing the tape back to the beginning of track 12. Over and over he played the track, one of the darker pieces on the tape.
The music fed his ire, but for some reason kept the beast inside him at bay, as if the dark tones were enough to satisfy him for the moment. It gave him time to think clearly, though nothing would come of those thoughts.
Shinji didn't know what he was going to do yet. He knew for certain he could never pilot again, but whether or not he would stay in Tokyo 3, or even if he would be allowed to stay, was another question entirely. Despite how much leaving would be better, something was holding him here. One thing was for certain, no one could ever find out what kind of monster he had become.
He would take that secret to the grave if he had to. But no one could ever know the things he had done.
Shinji tried to put it out of his mind and go to sleep, but he was too agitated. He was tired, but it was an exhaustion grown from fighting the hunger, a thirst inside of him. Not able to ascertain whether the thirst was real or imagined he stood up, taking the earbuds off. He slid open the door and walked down the hallway towards the kitchen, stealing a glance at Asuka's room on the way. He stopped. Her door was open.
As he stared at her sleeping form, the dim light from the hallway barely illuminating her features, highlighting the fretful look on her face, his thoughts returned to the decision he had yet to make.
And his thirst grew stronger.
A whispering voice at the back of his mind urged him to let go, to give in, to quench his thirst. He took in the vision of her beauty, the softness of her features. His skin felt hot, on fire. He swallowed loudly, his throat dry, and took a tentative step towards the open door. The whispering voice urged him on.
"No!" he hissed, the forcefulness of the thought silencing the voice for a moment. Then the thoughts, the thirst returned, louder, but Shinji's will was stronger than the whispers, at least for the moment. "No, not her. I won't do that to her."
Not waiting for the hunger to grow stronger, he ran to the living room, sliding open the door and He leaned over the edge, breathing hard. For the second time that day, he stared down into the abyss, his right had clenched into a fist.
The dark thoughts were practically screaming at him now, and he was growing tired of resisting them. "No, I can't do that to her…
The voice whispered, but you want to…
"I won't use her like that…
The voice laughed at him, Then I will.
Shinji clenched his teeth, "No, I won't let you."
He placed his hands on the ledge, climbing onto it, staring down at the street beneath him. He crouched down, swinging one leg, then the other over the ledge, until he was dangling in mid air by his hands alone. Closing his eyes, he took a breath, steeled himself, and let go.
Shinji dropped to the balcony of the apartment beneath Misato's, landing harder than he thought he would, but without injury. He tried to slide the door open, and it was still unlocked from when Section Two had searched it. Traced back through his memories, heading for a closet in the front hallway. Sliding it open, he found what he was looking for.
Taking out the trench coat, he chuckled at the fact that Section Two had completely missed it. He took the wallet, still containing cash, and shoved it in his pocket. He had left his own wallet, his ID, cell phone and his keys upstairs. Without them there was no way to get back into the apartment.
"Alright," he muttered slipping on the trench coat. as he walked towards the front door. Shinji manually released the lock on the door, pushing it open. "You wanted to come out and play, well now's the time…"