It's My Fault and… Quidditch
Draco… Luscius… I'm sorry…
I woke up in the middle of the night screaming at the top of my lungs and tears were streaming down my ashen face. Terence was standing over me looking quite terrified.
"What?" I snapped.
"You were screaming," he said quietly. The rest of my roommates were looking at me disbelieving.
"So?" I said as I wiped my face with the sleeve of my pyjamas.
"So, are you alright?" He asked.
"Piss off," and with that I turned the other way and pulled my blankets over my head.
* * *
It was near the end of October and I had been having nightmares of the night my mother died for about two weeks. It was terrible. I was beginning to look like death on a stick. The strange thing was that in my dreams everything is ten times worse because Voldemort gets dad as well. That tormented me. It scared the bloody hell out of me, in all truth. I could not bear to lose him too.
I was beginning to blame my mother's death on myself. If only you had stayed put, I screamed inside of my mind. If only you weren't so stupid. If you had not have run she would still be here. It is all your fault. If you would have stayed there. She would still be alive. It's all your fault… your… bloody… fault… This put me in the worst moods. I was intolerable, as Harry later put it. I was so depressed. The words rang in my mind; if it weren't for you she would still be here… I hated myself for a time. I would put a silencing spell on my bed and scream about how it was not fair, how it should have been me. I know I sound like my father but that was how I felt and acted.
I was writing to father everyday, but that did not help me. It just made me more depressed on how I could not be there with him to help him cope with it all. He was all alone in that dusty, dark, old mansion where I did not exactly know the location. He said he was fine and that he hoped I was well, but he was anything but fine. Being alone in that place probably gave him more time to dwell on the past. I could only imagine what it was like for him…
* * *
"Mr. Malfoy, could you stay for a moment?" Snape asked as the bell rung and everybody was up to leave. I nodded as I put my books into my knapsack.
"What is it, sir?" I asked as I walked up to his desk. Even though I was depressing and intolerable, I did not lose my respect for professors.
"You have my sincere condolences after what happened to your mother, but what happened does not give you reason to neglect your studies," he said gently. That was the first time I ever heard him sound sincere. He wore a look that should never be on his face, it was kind and sympathetic and almost concerned.
"Have you ever lost someone you loved, sir?" I snapped coldly. He actually cringed at my tone. Then, he hung his head, slightly.
"No, Draco, I haven't," he said softly. I was about to start yelling about how could he know what I was going through, but before I could start he spoke again. "But I soon will. My father…" He took a deep breath. "My father is dying from cancer and there is nothing magic or muggle medicine can do about it. Draco, I soon will know what you are going through. So before you start to get angry with me, just know I'm here if you need anything."
For the first time in my life I forgot about my problems. For the first time in my life reality smacked me, hard, in the face. It was then that I realised it had to be far worse for him to watch his father suffer. It was only an instant and my mother was gone, but he has to watch his dad die slowly, and I am sure, painfully.
I looked at him with tears shining in my eyes and I broke down completely. My knees buckled and I met the floor, sobbing.
"It's not fair," I sobbed into the floor. He was up from his desk and kneeling beside me. "It's terrible what is happening to your father, but it's not your fault. You can't stop it, no matter how much you want to it's still going to happen. But my mother would still be alive it if wasn't for my foolishness! I could have stopped it but I didn't! She died to save me! She died and it's all because of me!!"
"But you're wrong. You couldn't have stopped it. You were afraid. I know what happened, your father owled me. It's not your fault and if you keep saying it is you are going to wither away to nothing. You must move on. I know it's hard. I know it's not fair, but life goes on whether you want it to or not," he said gently with a tone of finality. He was right and I could not argue. As much as I hurt, he was right…
* * *
The arrival of November brought with it cold depressing weather and Quidditch! Professor Snape's words had brought me back to a semi-normal me, but I still got depressed every so often and I still do now.
* * *
"O.k. Malfoy, you're going to psyche out the Ravenclaw seeker as much as you can. Fake it like there is no tomorrow," everyone snickered at Jeremy LeNoran choice of words, including me. "Barren, Oranmore, keep bludgers going at every member of that damn team. Everyone else, keep away from bludgers and score as often as you bloody can! Now get your asses out there and play some Quidditch!!"
We all walked from the change rooms out onto the pitch. Boos echoed through three quarters of the stadium while from our part we received tumults of cheers. We mounted and waited for the Ravenclaw team. They entered and if we though our cheers were tumultuous, Ravenclaw's was deafening. They mounted and we waited for Madame Hooch.
"O.k. I want a nice clean game," she said as she released the snitch and bludgers. She blew her whistle and threw quaffle. We kicked off into the air.
"And there goes the quaffle taken by Joley Harrison, Ravenclaw in possession!" Lee Jordan's voice rang through the air. "Quite the beautiful chaser, might I add. Oh! Nasty hit from the bludger shot by Barren, a Slytherin beater. Slytherin in possession. Can the Ravenclaw keeper, Derrick Johansson, block this shot… No! 10-0 for Slytherin."
Boos rang from the stadium again. I did a few loops to show my happiness.
"Come on, guys! Wooooo!" I yelled clapping. "Oh shit!"
I dove as I pretended to curse and see the snitch. Cho Chang saw me; I did not understand why people mark me. I can be so mean on the Quidditch pitch. I swerved upwards. God I loved my Nimbus 2001. She nearly hit the ground. But I pulled up too early. Thunderous cheers erupted in the stadium.
"10-10 tie!! Come on Ravenclaw!" Lee Jordan shouted.
"Jordan, you're supposed to be unbiased," Professor McGonagall said angrily.
"Sorry, Professor. Slytherin in possession, no I can't believe it! Another goal. 20-10 for Slytherin. Come on Ravenclaw kick some ass!" Lee Jordan bellowed.
"Would you like to be fired, Lee?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"No. Sorry it won't happen again. Oh nasty hit to Slytherin chaser, Daren Oranmore! Ravenclaw in possession, Slytherin back to Ravenclaw, Slytherin goal! 30-10 Slytherin," Lee Jordan said with effort to stay unbiased.
I saw it. A small flash of gold over by our hoops. I sped as quickly as I could, still urging the broom on. I reached out as I approached it and just as I was about to close my fingers around it… SMACK! Bludger hit me in the back of my head. I fell to the ground and blacked out.
* * *
I slowly came to consciousness. I opened my eyes quickly and instantly regretted it. The light that filled my room made me groan in agony. My hands went over my eyes.
"Fuck! Fuck… fuck… fuck," I swore over and over again.
"Whoa, language!" I heard Harry laugh from beside me.
"Shut up," I said as I rubbed my eyes with the bases of my palms. He laughed again. "What do you want?"
"You took a bludger to the head and I thought you might be dying, so I came to grieve but you're awake. So I wasted my time," he said lightly.
"Thanks," I said sarcastically. "What time is it?"
"About 12 noon on Sunday. You've been out for 24 hours," he pointed out.
"I feel like I have a hangover," I groaned.
"You look pretty banged up," he said as he ran his fingers over my cheek. I drew a sharp breath across my teeth as his fingers moved over the bone. "Yeah, you have a huge bruise there."
"Why do you care?" I asked out of nowhere. He just looked at me for a moment.
"I don't know," he said quietly, as if he was lost and did not understand.
Disclaimer: You know who owns what and whom… What else is there to say? Don't sue me it's not worth the time…
A/N: How was that? There was some smack in your face reality… For Draco that is… Well, I hope you liked it. It took me a while to get the little thing between Snape and him right. I kept thinking of new ways to put it… Please, Please, Please Review!!! Tell me what you think!! You know I love you for it!! Thanks again…. Luv, Gia
P.S. Just so you know, I will eventually get to why the story is called what it's called. If you look hard enough I am sure you know why… And if you do know why, don't freak I'll try to give as logical explanation as possible in the circumstances.