The Opinions of Severus Snape
 By Veggie-runt and her friend

Author's note: ha...don't you just HATE these things? Well, I must do a short disclaimer...ahem... The ideas for the dream dear Sevvie has later in the chapter come somewhat from The Princess Bride. In fact, this dream is the product of watching the movie while drinking much pop, eating a brownie, and writing. All at the same time! ; Now on with the weirdness!

Oh how I was wrong. Stupid children...how I despise them.

"Foul again Potter!" I yelled at the boy-who-wouldn't-die-yet. "If you plan on playing against Shacklesworth School of Big-wigs you need to do this." I then showed him the trick I did when I was in my early teens. I hexed the...lets just say poo...out of the person blocking me and slammed the ball into the hoop.

"That is how it's done Potter. Okay! Everyone get into groups of five." I waited until they were in groups, then I sprang on them (with words). "At least one of each house in a group. Weasley, you're in a group with Goyle. Potter, you and Malfoy. Granger, hmmm, you're with...oh just get in a group!"

I felt like giving up...these brats were talent less, except for the Granger girl. She knew what she was doing, and by Joe did she do it well. I should really stop staring at her but her butt is just so...distracting.

"I think we might have a chance." I muttered before being hit in the head. Gosh, my luck is just not with me these days, must be Rotter- I mean Potter...

When I came back to reality, Hermione Granger was standing over me with her wand. Women just can't keep their wands off of me these days! "Granger! Put that wand away at once!" I sprang up and glared at her, taking deep, cleansing breaths.

"Okay, alright, practice your hexes every day, every chance you get. Just don't tell anyone I told you that." I ran off, trying to figure out if we really had a chance...BAM!

"Ugh not again- oh! Minerva! Fancy running into you!" Ok, breath, she doesn't know yet, now is the perfect time to tell- hang on! She is Dumbledore's! I smacked myself on the head, berating myself under my breath.

"Severus? Are you quite alright?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, just fine, how are you? Did I hurt you? I hope not..."

All of a sudden a large piano fell from the sky. Boy this is just not my day. Luckily, the piano itself did not hit me. Actually, only a few of the keys that had come loose did. Still it hurt like heck!

A few keys later, I was on the floor in front of a sobbing Minerva. I did not see this though, I had blacked out...again.

"Mr. Potter!" The boy-who-hadn't-died-YET had his wand out and was laughing uncontrollably.

"Go get Madame Pomphrey IMMEDIETLY! And that is a hundred points from Gryffindor!" Oh dear, Minerva was MAD.

Over in a darkened corner, a small figure with masses of bushy hair slapped herself. "I didn't deflect it completely. I am a FAILURE!" The figure started to cry.

As the noise reached Minerva's ears, she turned her head. In the corner she saw the weeping figure of Hermione Granger. "Miss Granger, don't cry, oh, please don't." She wiped her own tears. "If you cry I will just start up all over again."

"Yes Professor." Hermione stopped crying and rubbed her eyes. How I wish I could've been awake to wipe those tears- wait! Stop! She's too young you old pervert!

"Would you like to come to the kitchens with me and get some tea and sandwiches?" Minerva asked, a smile gracing her aged face. "I would be honored Professor!" Hermione exclaimed.

They then left down the hall together to get some tea, leaving me in the hall, all alone with my dreams.

Dream Sequence

(Narrator speaking) There once was a dominatrix named Buttcup, and she had a man servant named Wesley. All the time, she would make him do things so she could stare at his shapely buttocks.

He never argued; he just did his work, of course after he said "I will do as you wish, I am your bitch."

She would answer "Hell yeah!" with her crimped, brown hair blowing in the wind.

They also lived with a rather slimy looking man, and his name was Severus Snape. He was also a man servant to Buttcup, but he never did as he was told. Thus, he was not well liked by the other man servants living there, but Buttcup, for some odd reason liked him, so he was allowed to stay.

One day Buttcup decided that it was time to leave the farm, however erotic it may be, and buy a harem in the city.

"Come now Severus, we must choose a dress for you to wear." Buttcup pointed to a window in the city with a beautiful silk green dress.

"Why must I get that damned thing?" Severus questioned.

"For the cross-dress night at the local pub. Everyone who is anyone will be there and I would like you to be my escort." she replied.

This time, instead of insulting Buttcup's family (or lack thereof), he answered, "I will do as you wish, I am your bitch."

In all honesty, he looked kind of excited for cross-dress night, but we won't get into that...

Finally, cross-dress night came, and as Severus began his dance, a dorky man in a skirt walked in. As his eyes met Severus', one of those things happened, when the birds chirp at midnight and you fall in love.

"Please, madam, my name is Princess Humpstink and I wish to marry you, if you'll have me."

He looked at Buttcup, but she looked away. Severus did not notice the tears in her eyes, and since he thought she did not love him, he answered "Of course highness, but I am a man servant and you will have to pay Lady Buttcup for me."

"No problem, and then you can be MY bitch!" Severus smiled and Princess Humpstink started to poke him, hard.

End Dream Sequence

"Wake up Severus! We have a game tonight!" I woke up; Hermione was poking me with her wand. I sat up, my eyes still closed, and she forced her tongue into my mouth. I was starting to enjoy it when I realized she had only put some medical candle wax in my mouth.

"Miss Granger! Never disappoint- I mean, do that again. I am quite aware that we have a game, and I'd like you to come to my office and discuss strategy...and maybe being the team captain. But I only say that because you can hex somewhat decently.

"But I practiced sir!" The boy-who-just-wouldn't-die protested as he came out of the shadows.

"Potter, get out of my sight! Now, Granger, if you'll follow me..."