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Psychotic Break-out

Chapter 17: Hopes and Fears

"Amanda?" A gentle, familiar voice roused her out of her stupor. She looked up in a daze and waited for her eyes to focus. Mark Sloan was standing over her, a look of utmost concern on his face; Steve was there too, cowering behind Mark, looking haggard and pale. "Amanda?"

She launched herself upwards and threw herself at her closest friend and colleague, wrapping her arms around him and burying her head in the crook of his neck. If Mark was taken aback by this sudden show of emotion, he didn't show it. For their young friend Jesse Travis was currently in a critical state in the Operating Theatre of Community General. He had suffered a serious bullet wound and a broken leg at the hands of murderess Chloe Marsden, who thankfully had been found dead in the same boating wreckage that Jesse had been pulled from.

"It's okay" he whispered comfortingly in her ear. "It's okay" He enveloped her in a tight bear hug, savouring the little solace that it brought him.

Steve watched the two of them as if he were a passer-by looking through a window. He just didn't feel as though he was part of it all. Like it was a movie, or a book. In all his years of working for the LAPD, he didn't think he had ever faced such an influx of emotional paralyses. First his fiancée had been murdered, and now his best friend was dying. The worst thing was that all of this could have been prevented. He could have prevented it. And yet he found he could not shed a single tear. He could not display his emotions so blatantly as Mark and Amanda, and this made him feel even guiltier.

Amanda pulled gently away from Mark and wiped her eyes roughly. "He's in surgery. The bullet tore Jesse's pulmonary arteries, and it punctured one of his lungs. James Faye is trying to repair the damage but he's made it clear that Jesse hasn't got much hope, and given his injuries that's a fair assessment. How did this happen?" She asked tentatively raising her head to meet Mark's eyes.

He stared back, with difficulty, wanting to avert his normally clear blue eyes - now clouded with shame and grief. "Amanda, I- we-." He sighed and then slowly lowered himself down onto a chair, gently tugging Amanda down next to him. Steve remained standing. Gradually Mark began to recount the tale, or at least what they knew of the tale. How they had found Jesse's "suicide" note, how the lady across the road had told them that Chloe was behind his disappearance, how they had found Jesse's car at the beach…

"God, if I'd just got there earlier!" Mark murmured. "I could've stopped this" He put his head in his hands, his first real sign of weakness.

"Mark…" Amanda began, but Steve was the one to interrupt.

"What was all that you said to me about being strong for Jesse? Or was that all a load of crap just to make me feel better about myself? He doesn't just need me Dad; he needs you too! If I can be strong about this, you can too" Steve sat down on the other side of his father and embraced him solidly.

"You're right of course Steve" Mark smiled bravely after they had pulled apart. "I guess sometimes I can be a little hard on myself"

"There's only one person to blame for this" Amanda interjected. "And that's Chloe Marsden"

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The three of them stayed in that little waiting room for many long hours. By the time James Faye arrived in the room Amanda was fast asleep and the place was littered with empty coffee cups. Mark was slumped in his uncomfortable plastic chair with is chin resting on one elbow, staring into space. Steve was pacing the room, his head bent downward, unable to relax or allow himself to rest.

Mark looked up sharply as the exhausted doctor entered the room. Steve stopped his pacing and rushed forward towards him. "What's going on? How is he?" He asked rapidly, the questions spilling out so quickly that he barely had time to articulate them properly. Seeing the fatigued look James's face at this sudden bombardment, Mark stepped in.

"Steve calm down, give him a chance to talk" Both looked now at Doctor Faye with expressions which conveyed both hope and fear.

"He's stable" James said, after a moment's pause. A smile formed on his face. Mark exhaled the unconscious breath he had been holding and Steve turned away quickly to avoid the tears of relief that threatened to spill.

Mark went immediately to Amanda, who still lay oblivious to this fortunate turn of events, and roused her gently from her slumber. "Mark, what is it? What's wrong? Is he…?" She gasped, her mind instantly jumping to horrifying conclusions.

"No honey, James is here. Jesse's condition is stable" Mark couldn't stop himself mirroring James and breaking into a grin.

"Oh Thank God" Amanda cried, getting slowly up from her chair. She went to James and embraced him – blood covered scrubs and all.

James waited for Amanda to compose herself before continuing the news he had come to convey. "He's not out of the woods yet. We managed to repair the damaged arteries, we've removed the bullet, we've drained the blood that was trapped in his lungs and we've given him a blood transfusion to replace what he lost. But only time will tell if he will wake up or -."

"Lapse into a coma if his body goes into shock, or go into Cardiac Arrest" Mark injected, his brows furrowed as he pondered the situation.

"Precisely" James confirmed, looking grave once more. He raised a tired hand to brush the gathering beads of sweat from his forehead. He had laboured over Jesse for the best part of four hours, and even then he could not guarantee that Jesse would pull through. Sometimes being a doctor was difficult. There were the times when you saved lives and you felt amazing, and then there were the times when things didn't work out; the patient you were trying to save didn't make it. This was the first time he'd operated on someone close to him, his boss for Christ sake! He'd found it tougher to cope with than he'd first imagined he would.

"Can we see him?" Steve asked in a small voice, afraid that it might crack with emotion.

"Sure, but I'm sure I don't need to stress further to you the fact that he really needs to rest at the moment"

"Of course" Mark answered, his eyes unreadable for a moment before filling with warmth. "And James, thank you for everything you've done for Jesse"

"Just doing my job" James replied, his cheeks reddening slightly. "Oh, and Mark? I was supposed to tell you that a woman – Chloe Marsden – was admitted to the path lab"

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Jesse looked very small and fragile lying in his bed surrounded by various beeping and whirring machines – machines which were keeping him alive. His porcelain skin looked grey compared to the brilliant white of the hospital sheets he was swathed in. An oxygen mask covered his nose and mouth, giving him the vital air that his tortured lungs craved. His broken leg had been set in a cast and was now raised above him on a pulley, and a huge bandage protected his chest wound.

He was lying so still that he could have been made of stone. When Amanda saw him, fresh tears brimmed in her eyes. Mark looked sadly down at his young friend and protégé. Steve stood in the doorway almost fearing to come in, as if just by being in the room he would somehow bring danger to his friend.

I wanted to ask if you were happy! Happy that you ruined my one chance of happiness!

Steve, you – you got it all wrong! I tried to save her I –

Oh spare me your excuses Jesse! This is entirely your fault! You took away the love of my life! I will never forgive you for this! If I could, I'd arrest you for culpable homicide, but the Captain says it wasn't your fault! I heard you hit your head! I hope it hurt nearly as much as you hurt me Jesse!

Steve hung his head in shame as he looked at his best friend. How he ever could have said any of those things…And now Jesse might not ever wake up. Steve may never have the chance to say he was sorry!

Mark wrapped an arm around Amanda and glanced around for his son. Seeing that he was yet to enter, he called quietly "Steve? Come on son, there's no use in you standing out there. We need your support, Jesse needs your support"

"Dad I-" Steve faltered, "I can't bare to see him like this" he mumbled quickly. Desperate to escape the atmosphere of guilt and anxiety he spun round and marched off down the corridor.

Mark stared helplessly after him.

"Mark, you go after him. I'll be okay" Amanda whispered, gently shaking Mark as if to waken him.

"I have a pretty good idea where he's gone" Mark responded before squeezing Amanda's hand and leaving the room.

Amanda fetched herself a chair and sat down at Jesse's bedside. She slowly reached out and held his limp hand. Stroking it gently she looked at his gaunt face sadly. "Jesse, you're going to make it through this. You have to make it through this! Because if you don't…I'll lose one of my best friends, Steve'll lose his little brother, and Mark…Mark will lose a son. Please Jesse! Don't leave us" She finished in a whisper, looking at his face for any signs of life. But he remained as still as ever.

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Mark opened the door to the pathology laboratory. He knew what he expected to find, and sure enough Steve was there. He was opening each of the metallic drawers one by one, evidently looking for something.

"What are you going to do when you find her?" Mark's voice penetrated the silence.

Steve didn't stop in his search, but instead carried on as if Mark had not interrupted him. "I don't know. I was thinking maybe I'd use her as a punch bag" Steve answered, unsure even himself whether he was serious or not.

"I don't think anyone here would blame you, but honestly Steve! What would it achieve? Except a charge for defacing a corpse. You have to find some other way to let go, to let your feelings out"

"Dad, she killed Yoshe! She practically killed Jesse! Who knows if he'll even survive?" Steve suddenly felt a release of his emotions. All of the things he'd been bottling up since Yoshe's death seemed to come out in a huge torrent of pent up grief. He began to sob uncontrollably, putting his face in his hands and sinking to the floor.

Mark was instantly at his son's side. Wrapping his arms around his son he pulled him into a comforting embrace. It was as though Steve was a small child again. Memories of Catherine floated through Mark's mind; he remembered the empty feeling he'd felt in his heart when she had gone. He'd had to comfort Steve then as a father. But now Steve was in the position that Mark had occupied then, having just lost the love of his life. Mark hadn't had his father then, but he was going to make sure Steve got all the support Mark could give him.

Mark realised just how much Steve had been keeping these emotions locked up inside him. He suddenly felt so insensitive. His mind had been on Jesse the whole time; he hadn't even spared a thought for his bereaved son. His bereaved son who had cast everything aside to look for his best friend. Mark feared the worst for his son if Jesse didn't make it. He didn't know if Steve could take another blow.

The two of them stayed like that for a long while. Eventually Mark suggested that they go home, Steve needed to rest and it was unlikely that Jesse would wake up that night. He had expected to meet with immediate protest, but Steve did not put up a fight, showing just how defeated he was.

"You head back to the car son, I'll go and get Amanda – she and the boys can stay with us tonight"

To Be Continued…