SEINFELD
THE SURPRISE PARTY
WRITTEN BY: DAVID ADLER
GEORGE
This is a nice place. It's cozy. I like that in a meal. I don't like to be out there. I think I'm a different person in a booth, than I am at a table. In a booth, I'm laughing, I'm completely uninhibited. No, reticence. Completely unreticent. When I sit at a table I feel like I'm entertaining the whole restaurant. Like the spotlight's shining in my eyes or something. We're sitting at a table, I can't even tell you my name. I'm sipping water all night long.
WAITRESS
Have you decided yet?
GEORGE
I don't know. What's good here?
WAITRESS
Everything is good here.
GEORGE
I know everything's good, but what's really good?
WAITRESS
Everything.
GEORGE
Look. Alright. I know you work here, and you have to say that. When you eat here, what do you have?
WAITRESS
I don't know. A little bit of everything I guess.
GEORGE
Alright! Forget it. What are you having? I'll just get whatever you're getting.
SUZIE
I'm gonna get the angel hair pasta.
GEORGE
Oh, I don't...
SUZIE
Why don't you just get the pasta?
GEORGE
I'm not really a pasta person.
SUZIE
(Looks at George like he's just been caught with a limp wrist)
WAITRESS
(Looks at George the same way)
GEORGE
(Mumbling, emasculated) I'll have the veal parmigiana.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
GEORGE
I'm not a pasta person. Why didn't I just give the busboy a little wink, a little pat (feigns patting someone on the ass) and call it a night.
JERRY
It's not that bad. You're overreacting.
GEORGE
Overreacting? If anything I'm underreacting.
JERRY
Underacting.
GEORGE
I'm not acting. I'm reacting.
JERRY
I know. But it's underacting. Underreacting isn't a word.
GEORGE
What are you talking about? Of course it's a word. How can you act, and react, and overreact, but you can't underreact?
JERRY
It's all acting.
GEORGE
It's over. I'm telling you, it was going so great. I was feeling good. I was on. I'm telling you, I was hitting the high notes. We were in a booth...
JERRY
Love the booth. The booth's like the shower. You can do things in there that you'd never do in the normal, outside world. I'm singing in the booth, I'm crying in the booth. You know Andy Warhol, he loved the booth too. That's where that fifteen minutes of fame thing came from. Give me 15 minutes in a booth, I'm happy.
GEORGE
You should've seen how she looked at me.
JERRY
What? How'd she look. Was it one of these (gives a look of disgust), or one of these (gives a look of extreme shame.)
GEORGE
Worse. One of these (gives a look misunderstanding, followed by shame.) Like she caught me eating her lipstick, or something.
JERRY
So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE
What can I do? Lose the phone number, and hope I never see her again. You know this whole thing is Elaine's fault. She never should have set us up. She knew something like this would happen. You know what? I think she did this on purpose. I think her and Suzie were in on this together. Like a rigged election, or something. Or a smear campaign. Jerry, a smear campaign. That's what this is.
JERRY
Well McGovern, I think you've lost it.
GEORGE
I know.
JERRY
You're just a flamboyant person. It was inevitable. You know I've seen you (feigns a limp wrist.)
GEORGE
When? When did you see me?
JERRY
I've seen you.
GEORGE
And you didn't say anything?
JERRY
No. Should I have?
GEORGE
Of course. Of course. Say something.
JERRY
I'd rather just steer clear of the whole "say something thing." If your fly's undone, you'll figure it out. And anything else really isn't any of my business.
(Enter Elaine)
ELAINE
Three more days.
GEORGE
What? What's three days?
JERRY
Nothing.
ELAINE
Someone's birthday.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. I forgot. What is this one?
JERRY
Does that really matter?
GEORGE
What do you think this is, Sunset Boulevard? You think I care how old you are?
JERRY
I'm the same age as you.
GEORGE
Yeah, but I look younger.
JERRY
No you don't.
GEORGE
Elaine, who looks older, me or Jerry?
ELAINE
You.
GEORGE
Take some time. Think about it.
JERRY
It's the baldness. It puts like, ten years on you.
GEORGE
Really?
JERRY
And your clothes.
GEORGE
What's wrong with my clothes? What's wrong with the way I dress?
JERRY
Nothing, if you're living in Miami Beach.
GEORGE
Oh, so you think you're so young and hip? Look at you. With the shirt tucked into your pants. What is that, the Wilford Brimley?
ELAINE
Will you stop it. Jerry, so what are we doing for your birthday? Am I still taking you out?
JERRY
Yeah, I guess. Nothing fancy though. And no cake. And no singing. If I hear singing, I'm out of there. If it's your birthday and you want to go out to a restaurant, fine. But what makes you think that everyone else wants to hear someone sing "Happy Birthday," to you?
GEORGE
You're going out with Elaine, Saturday?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
But I was gonna take you out.
JERRY
You never said anything.
GEORGE
I thought you'd assume.
JERRY
No. No assume.
ELAINE
Well, I was gonna ask you to go.
GEORGE
But you never said anything. What if I had plans? What if I made reservations?
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
What are you talking about, Jerry's big Five-O. Book 'em Dan-0.
JERRY
I'm not fifty.
KRAMER
Really?
JERRY
No.
KRAMER
Well what about the pants? I thought that was an old-people thing.
GEORGE
See.
KRAMER
How old are you?
JERRY
Does it really matter? Why does everyone want to know how old I am?
ELAINE
He's 37.
KRAMER
No!
GEORGE
Same age as me.
KRAMER
What? I thought you were pulling sixty.
GEORGE
No! What are you talking about? Hey, how old are you?
KRAMER
I don't know.
GEORGE
You don't know how old you are? What does it say on your driver's licence?
KRAMER
Date of Birth: Indeterminate. Whereabouts: Unknown.
JERRY
It doesn't say that.
KRAMER
Here you go (producing his driver's licence). Date of birth, February 29, 1972.
GEORGE
You're twenty-six?
KRAMER
Two, seventy-one...thirty four. Yeah, 26.
JERRY
Let me see that. I don't care what this says, you're not twenty-six.
KRAMER
Well then what am I?
JERRY
I don't know. Are you sure you don't know? When did you graduate high-school?
KRAMER
I didn't.
JERRY
Do you remember Armstrong walking on the moon?
KRAMER
The moon?
JERRY
You don't remember anything about your childhood?
KRAMER
Nothing before 1976.
GEORGE
What happened in 1976?
KRAMER
I lost a tooth. I was trying to make an elevator and the doors shut, right on my head.
JERRY
Well what about your Social Insurance Card? Or your birth certificate?
KRAMER
They all say 1972. What is this? What if I'm...old?
ELAINE
You're not old. You're probably thirty-something. Maybe forty.
KRAMER
Yeah, but you don't know that. What if I'm fifty? What if I'm sixty, Jerry? SIXTY! What if I'm...100?
JERRY
What are you, an age Mercedes? I've never seen someone go from mid-life crisis to old-age in under five seconds.
ELAINE
Where are you going?
KRAMER
I don't feel well. It's cold in here. Do you feel that draft?
GEORGE
What draft?
KRAMER
(Kramer is hunched over now like an old man) What? I can't hear you.
GEORGE
I said what draft?
KRAMER
What? I can't hear you. I can't hear. My hearing, Jerry. It's gone.
JERRY
Will you stop it.
KRAMER
Jerry? I can't see you. Where are you? (Kramer is squinting) Jerry. (Kramer moves towards Jerry and trips over a chair)
ELAINE
Alright. I've gotta get back to work. George, could you do me a huge favour. There are these big, huge boxes I need to move out of my office and they're soo heavy.
GEORGE
Boxes! (Rolls up his sleeves and stiffens his wrists) Boxes, Jerry.
JERRY
Will you get up?
KRAMER
I think I broke my hip.
SCENE - ELAINE'S OFFICE
GEORGE
So where are the boxes?
ELAINE
There aren't any.
GEORGE
So what did you get me all the way down here for?
ELAINE
I'm planning a surprise party for Jerry's birthday. Actually, it was his parent's idea. They're flying in for the weekend.
GEORGE
You're planning a surprise party for Jerry, and no one told me? Where's my invitation?
ELAINE
I couldn't tell you. It's a SURPRISE party.
GEORGE
Yeah, for Jerry, not for me.
ELAINE
Yeah. Anyway, I need your help.
GEORGE
Oh, I don't want to call people. Don't make me call people.
ELAINE
I need you to bring the ice?
GEORGE
Ice?
ELAINE
Yeah. My freezer broke, and I don't even think Kramer has a fridge.
GEORGE
Ice.
ELAINE
Do you think you can handle that?
GEORGE
Yeah. Wait a second, who's coming to this thing?
ELAINE
I don't know. Kramer made the guest list.
GEORGE
You let Kramer make the guest list, and you're putting me in charge of the ice?
ELAINE
Well I knew you wouldn't want to do it. Would you have done it?
GEORGE
No. But it would have been nice of you to at least give me the chance to say no, which you know I would have done because you know me, but you didn't know I would have said no, which, I would have.
SCENE - BANK
JERRY
Look at this guy. How old do you think he is? Ninety? What's he gonna do if a guy comes in here with a gun? Look at him. I think he's sleeping. I always wondered why they even have guards in banks. Look at the movies: a robber comes in, they just lie on the floor.
I would be the worst security guard ever. 'Cause it's not my money. A guy comes in here, waving a gun, I say "Help yourself, the vault's in there." I'm gonna risk my life for two-and-a-half percent interest?
TORI
I'm Tori.
JERRY
Jerry.
SCENE - STREET
GEORGE
Hey! I heard you're in charge of the invitations?
KRAMER
Invitations? I don't know what you're talking about.
GEORGE
It's OK. I know.
KRAMER
Know what?
GEORGE
What is that? You're using a cane now?
KRAMER
I hurt my hip. I think it's broken. Busted.
GEORGE
So who'd you invite?
KRAMER
Who'd I invite? To where? What are you talking about?
GEORGE
To Jerry's party! You're in charge of the invitations. I just came from Elaine's office. She told me you were doing invitations.
KRAMER
Oh, right! Invitations. I forgot.
GEORGE
Forgot? The party's in 3 days. Today's Thursday. That's like one day.
KRAMER
It's my memory. It's going. I can't remember anything. It's old age. I'm telling you. Don't get old George. Don't be like me. Stay young.
GEORGE
I'll keep that in mind. So what are you gonna do about the invitations?
KRAMER
Invitations?
GEORGE
(Seething) To Jerry's party!
KRAMER
I'll take care of it. I've just got to write it down so I remember. (Writing) Get invitations to...Whose party?
GEORGE
Jerry's!
KRAMER
(Still writing) Get invitations to Jerry's party.
GEORGE
You know what. Forget it. There's not even enough time to mail them. You're gonna have to call.
KRAMER
Alright. So I'll call half, you call the other half?
GEORGE
Nooo. I'm not calling anyone. That's like a whole day wasted. I'm gonna be on the phone talking to people I haven't seen in years. "Yeah, I'm fine. Fine. Oh, life is good!"
KRAMER
OK. I'll do it.
GEORGE
You in a rush?
KRAMER
I'm meeting someone for dinner.
GEORGE
It's 4 O'clock.
KRAMER
Early-bird.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
ELAINE
So?
GEORGE
I got the ice. My freezer looks like it could sink the Titanic. Nice job letting Kramer handle the invitations.
ELAINE
What? What'd he do? Oh, I knew it was stupid. What'd he do? Forget to put stamps on the envelopes?
GEORGE
He forgot. Period.
ELAINE
Forgot what? Not everything.
GEORGE
Do you like a lot of ice in your drinks? Because I don't. Jerry either. It looks like you're gonna have a nice chunk all to yourself.
ELAINE
That idiot.
GEORGE
Well what did you expect? This is a guy who can't tell the difference between a subway token and a dime. How was he even gonna know who to invite anyway?
ELAINE
I gave him my address book and a guest list. All he had to do was mail out the invitations.
GEORGE
Well don't worry. I saw him a few minutes ago. He said he was gonna call everyone. He even wrote it down this time. Have you ever seen Kramer's handwriting? He should've been a doctor.
ELAINE
I gotta go. I've gotta pick up Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld from the airport.
GEORGE
They're coming in already? The party's not for two days.
ELAINE
They got a deal on the tickets.
GEORGE
Old people and deals. I'm telling you. I remember when Campbell's soup went on sale for 15% off. My mother turned my bedroom into warehouse. I was sleeping in the hall. Everyone else at school had a bagged lunch. Mine was canned.
ELAINE
Fascinating.
(Exit Elaine)
(Enter Jerry and Tori)
JERRY
What are you doing here?
GEORGE
I was gonna go back to my place, but I got a little tired.
JERRY
So you stopped in for a nap?
GEORGE
Yeah. And to say hello!
JERRY
George, this is Tori. Tori, this is my friend Rip Van Costanza.
TORI
Nice to meet you.
GEORGE
Hi.
JERRY
George, Tori's gonna come out with us on Saturday. Is that alright?
GEORGE
Yeah. Sure. Come out.
TORI
It's a big occasion.
JERRY
No. It seems like I'm having one every year. In fact, it's almost been a year since the last one.
TORI
He's so funny.
GEORGE
Well. He tries.
TORI
So you two are, like, best friends?
GEORGE
Yeah. I let him hang around.
TORI
How long have you known each other?
GEORGE
I don't know. Twenty years.
TORI
Wow! So where'd you meet? School?
GEORGE
Yeah. Actually, it's a funny story. We were in Grade...
JERRY
Six.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
It was in sixth grade. You were climbing the rope and I was spotting. (Winks at George)
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. Sixth grade. Yeah. You know all those years are a little cloudy. It was sixth grade though. You know it's strange. In one day I met Jerry, and got stung by a wasp. Much worse than a bee sting.
TORI
That's what? Two-thirds of your lives that you've known each other?
GEORGE
Two-thirds. Yeah. Can't reduce that. Sixty-six point six, six, six...
TORI
It's strange. I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look much older than Jerry.
GEORGE
It's alright. Everyone in my family looks older than they really are. My father looks 100. It's good though, 'cause I never needed a fake ID. I was buying beer when I was 10.
TORI
Thirty. Wow. That's like, mid-life. I think I'm gonna freak out when I turn 30. Like dye my hair, or something crazy. I can't stand the thought of being old. Not that you're old Jerry. I mean, 29. That's young.
GEORGE
Twenty-nine.
JERRY
George.
GEORGE
Oh, yeah. I mean, I'll be thirty in November. I just wrote my will. You can never be too careful.
TORI
Anyway Jerry, I've got to go. It was nice meeting you, George. I'll see you Saturday.
GEORGE
Bye.
(Exit Tori)
JERRY
I know. It's stupid.
GEORGE
It's stupid. It's more than stupid. What are you crazy? You know it'll never work. Twenty-nine.
JERRY
I know.
GEORGE
You never lie about your age. Never. Never lie about anything that's public record.
JERRY
I just couldn't tell her. She's so young, vibrant. I say I'm almost 40, she tells me I remind her of her father.
GEORGE
So what? Maybe her father's a nice guy.
JERRY
You don't want to be the father, OK. Alright. What am I gonna do, take her to the zoo? That's a father-daughter relationship.
GEORGE
So are you gonna tell her?
JERRY
Well I invited her to dinner. I guess she's gonna know.
GEORGE
Not necessarily.
JERRY
Saturday. At least that gives us two good days together. That's two more than most of my relationships.
GEORGE
Two-thirds.
JERRY
Sixty-six point six, six, six.
SCENE - AIRPORT
ELAINE
Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld. Over here.
HELEN
Hello, Elaine. How are you?
ELAINE
I'm good. How was the flight?
MORDI
Terrible. They didn't have a movie. The girl said "The flight's not long enough for one." I said "So who has to see the end?"
HELEN
The flight was fine.
MORDI
They ran out of peanuts.
HELEN
You don't even like peanuts.
MORDI
I'd at least like the option. What if I wanted a peanut?
ELAINE
I booked the hotel room for you. Everything's taken care of.
MORDI
Hotel? Aren't we staying with Jerry?
HELEN
It's supposed to be a surprise. For his birthday.
MORDI
So, two surprises. He can't handle it? He's a young man.
HELEN
The hotel is fine, Elaine.
ELAINE
What are you going to do for the next couple days?
HELEN
We'll walk around. We'll visit.
ELAINE
OK. But don't run into Jerry. You'll ruin the surprise.
MORDI
This isn't my suitcase.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING
(Jerry is seen waking up. He rubs his eyes and looks at the clock. It is 6 a.m. but the sun is up. The sound of tearing paper and big band music can be heard coming from the living room. Jerry gets up and walk out of the bedroom.)
(We see Kramer sitting at Jerry's table, dressed in a track suit. He has a 78 rpm record player spinning Glenn Miller. He is smoking a cigar, wearing glasses, and cutting coupons. He also has about 100 different pills on the table next to his glass of OJ.)
JERRY
What the hell's going on? It's six o'clock in the morning.
KRAMER
What's that?
JERRY
It's six o'clock.
KRAMER
I've been up since four. I just went out for a jog.
JERRY
Four? Aren't you tired?
KRAMER
I went to sleep at eight. I didn't want to, but I sat down on the couch and...lights out.
JERRY
What are you doing? Are those pills?
KRAMER
Multi-vitamins. You know that little scare with my hip was a wake up call. I'm not a young man anymore. I need to take care of myself.
JERRY
Well (picking up a vitamin and examining it), Flintstones chewable tablets. Children twelve and under take one a day with liquids.
KRAMER
There's a big sale on Campbell's Soup down at the Bag and Buy. Fifteen off. I need you to come down there with me.
JERRY
Ahhh. (Goes back into his room)
KRAMER
You going to get dressed? Because I can wait here for a couple hours you know, if you want to get some sleep. Yeah, but I've got a bridge game at one.
SCENE - GROCERY STORE
JERRY
I can't believe what time it is. Look, yesterday's paper. (Points to a newsstand.) The paper's not even out yet.
KRAMER
Or maybe it's just yesterday again.
JERRY
When the paperboy's yelling "hot ON the press," it's early.
KRAMER
Oh, they're sticking it to you again. (Kramer is reading a sign at the grocery that says "4 cans/customer.") You're only allowed four cans per person, so what we're gonna do is...
JERRY
No. I don't want to be involved in any kind of cheap scheme to defraud the super-market, OK. Eight cans of soup is enough. I thought you didn't even like Tomato soup?
KRAMER
But they're practically giving it away.
JERRY
Are those George's parents?
FRANK
Jerry. Kramer. What are you doing up so early?
JERRY
Ahh, it's not so early.
KRAMER
Hi, Frank.
FRANK
You're here for the soup too? I love that stuff. I've got boxes.
ESTELLE
Hello, Jerry. Hello, Kramer.
JERRY
Hi.
ESTELLE
So, Jerry. Happy birthday.
JERRY
Thank you.
FRANK
It's his birthday?
JERRY
Yeah. It's my birthday.
ESTELLE
How does it feel to be a year older?
JERRY
It feels the same. You know, this year...
FRANK
Mordi!
JERRY
What?
FRANK
I just saw your father. Mordi!
ESTELLE
What are you talking about?
FRANK
He came in, and he ran out. Are your parents in town?
JERRY
I don't think so. I just spoke to them a couple days ago.
FRANK
I saw Mordi. And he saw me. He looked right at me, and, zip, ran. Like a squirrel.
ESTELLE
You're crazy.
FRANK
I know what I saw!
JERRY
A year older, another year closer to this.
(Kramer is trying to load up with soup. His arms full of cans, he slips and falls over.)
FRANK
Jerry, what's wrong with your parents? They're too good to come in and say hello? They're too good for soup? No one's too good for soup. Who do they think they are?
(Kramer is writhing on the floor. Knocking over more cans.)
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Jerry is spread out on the couch, resting. George bursts through the door.)
GEORGE
Happy birthday.
JERRY
Thanks.
GEORGE
What's wrong with you?
JERRY
Nothing. I've been up since six.
GEORGE
What? Fire alarm?
JERRY
No. Methuselah over there woke me up and dragged me out to some soup sale. Fifteen percent off or something. I don't know. I've never seen so many track suits. We saw your parents.
GEORGE
Was it Campbell's Tomato?
JERRY
Yeah.
GEORGE
Oh, God.
JERRY
And the weirdest thing happened. I'm standing there talking to your father, and all of the sudden he shouts out "Mordi." And then he starts insisting that he saw my father walk in the store, and run out when he saw us.
GEORGE
So what? One time I was out buying shoes with him and he swore Herbert Hoover sold him a package of roasted chestnuts.
JERRY
Well the weird thing is I called my parents in Florida and the machine picked up. They're never out this early. And they haven't called yet to wish me happy birthday. Maybe they're in the city.
GEORGE
They flew all the way to New York and didn't tell you?
JERRY
Maybe it's a surprise. For my birthday.
GEORGE
That's...crazy.
JERRY
Do you know something?
GEORGE
No!
JERRY
Really. Because if you did, you would tell me, right?
GEORGE
Of course. Secrets between friends. It's not right.
JERRY
(Taking a close look at George, who is visibly nervous.) Alright.
GEORGE
So we're going out tonight. We're picking you up. Seven.
JERRY
Yeah. Unless you have other plans.
GEORGE
Other plans. No. These are the plans. I wouldn't...no other plans.
(Phone rings.)
JERRY
One second. (Answers.) Hello Auntie Edie. Thank you. You know, it feels the same as thirty-six. Alright. I'll speak to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) Everyone always wants to know how it feels to be one year older. Like the birthday is the threshold for emotional and physical growth.
GEORGE
I think I was more mature ten years ago than I am today. I'm working backwards.
JERRY
What is it that people are actually celebrating about a birthday anyway? Really, what they're saying is "Congratulations, you lived another year. Congratulations on not dieing." I mean, really, you're one year older. One year closer. You should celebrate every day except the birthday. Because the birthday is like the remote control when the batteries are about to die. And you know you've got to put new ones in, but you resist as long as possible. You're taking out the old ones, blowing on them, rubbing them, hitting them together. And then finally, when there's no power left, when you're pressing the remote against the screen to turn the channel, that's when it's your birthday.
(Phone rings again.)
JERRY
Hello. Uncle Marty! Thank you. Oh, it feels the same! Yeah.
(George gets up with the remote control. He clicks it but nothing works. He gradually moves closer to the screen until the remote is touching the TV. Nothing works. He takes out the batteries and blows on them. Still nothing. Jerry reaches into a drawer and tosses him a package of AAs.)
JERRY
So tonight. Bye.
GEORGE
(Replacing the batteries. The remote now works.)
JERRY
Happy birthday.
SCENE - RESTAURANT
ELAINE
Kramer. I've been trying to call you for the past two days. Where have you been?
KRAMER
Well, I've been...That's funny. I don't remember. Wait a second. I was down at City Hall. At the Hall of Records.
ELAINE
What were you doing down there?
KRAMER
I was trying to find out how old I am. My birth certificate. It's wrong. The only Cosmo Kramer they have on record was born 1904, London England. Immigrated to New York in 1914.
ELAINE
So you think you're 94 years old?
KRAMER
I've got to be. And you know, I always thought I had a bit of an English accent.
ELAINE
You idiot. You're not 94. What about World War II, the depression? You don't remember any of that.
KRAMER
Well, I'm old. My mind's not as spry as it used to be. You can't expect me to remember everything. Anyway, I met someone down there. Asa. Asa Kramer. He's my cousin. (Kramer points to a really old man sitting in a chair in the corner.) He's old, but he's feisty. You know he was on the Titanic? He was in the band.
ELAINE
Didn't the band go down with the ship? You know "The band played on."
KRAMER
Maybe he was a juggler.
ELAINE
Forget it. Did you call everyone. For Jerry's party?
KRAMER
Oh, yeah. See I wrote that down so I'd remember. I called everyone in that book you gave me.
ELAINE
What book?
KRAMER
That book you gave me. With all the numbers and the addresses in it. Jerry knows a lot of people. Hey, I didn't know he was friends with your father.
ELAINE
You idiot. That was my address book. Those were MY friends. You called my father?
KRAMER
Yeah. He couldn't make it.
ELAINE
The party's in an hour! What are you wearing, suspenders?
(Enter George carrying a huge hunk of ice. He lays it down on a table.)
GEORGE
My arms are freezing. There's your ice.
ELAINE
What's that?
GEORGE
It's ice.
ELAINE
What did you do, chip it off a glacier?
GEORGE
Hey, it was in a bag, but it all fused together.
ELAINE
OK. I gotta go. I gotta make some calls.
(Exit Elaine)
GEORGE
What is that smell? Mothballs?
(Enter Elaine)
ELAINE
Forget it. We're gonna be late. Lets just go pick up Jerry.
GEORGE
What. What's going on?
ELAINE
Kramer called everyone in my address book. He invited all MY friends to the party.
GEORGE
Suzie? Did he call Suzie? Did you call Suzie?
KRAMER
Suzie. I can't remember.
GEORGE
Oh no. Suzie's gonna be there. I can't go. Forget it. I can't go.
ELAINE
Hey, my cousin Eddie's gonna be there. I haven't seen him in 5 years. He came onto me during Lent. You're going.
GEORGE
Alright. I'll go.
KRAMER
George, you have to go.
GEORGE
Wait, a second. Wait a second! Are my parents in there. Are my parents in your book?
ELAINE
I think they are!
KRAMER
(Blank stare)
GEORGE
You invited my parents? Oh, God.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
JERRY
You know, all in all, it's been a pretty good birthday. Minimum of calls, no direct contact with family members. It's the best I could've hoped for.
TORI
How can you say that about your family? I love seeing my aunts and uncles. My parents, my cousins. I love it. What about your parents? Don't you love your parents?
JERRY
I do. I love them. You know, we're in the same time zone? They wanted to do ADT, but I said no! I need you here. On EST! That way when you see something on news that I shouldn't be eating, drinking, or sleeping with, you can call and tell me.
(Buzzer Sounds)
ELAINE
It's me. Come down.
JERRY
Let the fun begin.
SCENE - OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT
JERRY
Come on. I'm telling you. If you didn't get me a present, I really wouldn't care.
ELAINE
Yeah you would.
JERRY
No I wouldn't. In fact, I'd rather you not buy me a present. Because then I can reciprocate. I don't have to buy you one, if you don't buy me one. Then we can break down this whole present hierarchy. We can be a bunch of present rebels. No presents. In fact, I think Che Guevara was against presents too.
TORI
Well wait till you see what I bought you.
JERRY
As long as I don't have to feed it.
GEORGE
So, we're splitting this thing. Right? Because it's your birthday. I mean, you're not paying?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
Because I don't mind paying. I just want to know before we go in there, what the plan is. That way I'll know.
ELAINE
George and I are paying.
GEORGE
What about Tori?
ELAINE
We're paying for both of them. Is that a problem?
GEORGE
No. No problem. I was just curious. Aren't I allowed to ask?
(Jerry opens the door's to the restaurant. Everyone lifts up their glasses and shouts surprise. He looks around and notices a lot of people he doesn't know.)
JERRY
Did you make reservations?
ELAINE
Surprise.
(Helen and Mordi run up to Jerry)
HELEN
Surprise.
MORDI
Happy birthday.
JERRY
Mom. Dad. (Mumbling to Elaine) I'm gonna kill you.
UNCLE LEO
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
Hello.
(Newman sidles up beside George)
NEWMAN
Look at all this ice! Happy birthday, Jerry.
PHYLLIS
Hello, Elaine! Happy birthday.
ELAINE
Auntie Phyllis. Thank you.
PHYLLIS
I think it's a great idea having a party so long before your birthday. What a great surprise.
ELAINE
Yeah.
PHYLLIS
And look who I brought with me. Cousin Eddie.
(Eddie sidles up. He's a really slimy looking guy.)
EDDIE
(Chewing gum, which he stretches out on his tongue.) Long time, no see.
FRANK
The Seinfelds. So I guess it's OK for you to be in the same room as us.
MORDI
Hello Frank.
FRANK
Why didn't you say hello to me yesterday. Why'd you run away?
MORDI
Jerry wasn't supposed to know we were in town. You were talking to him. If I would have said hello, it would have ruined the whole surprise.
FRANK
But you could have waited for me outside. Down the street. Something. You didn't have to shimmy out of there.
GEORGE
Dad. It was supposed to be surprise.
FRANK
So he couldn't wave? He couldn't wink. He's giving me nothing!
KRAMER
Hey Frank, hey Mordi. I didn't know you were in town.
MORDI
It was supposed to be a surprise.
FRANK
Surprise! The whole thing's crazy.
HELEN
Mordi. Look. You're twins. (Helen points at Mordi and Kramer. They are both wearing the same outfit.)
MORDI
Hey Jerry. Look at this! Twins!
JERRY
I see. Very nice. (To Tori) You gotta love them.
(Jerry throws his hands up in exasperation, but there's a waiter right behind him doling out champagne. As his hand reaches back, he accidentally brushes the male waiter on the rear end. He is embarrassed and he and the waiter look at each other. Finally he looks past the server and sees Tori. She has the same look of disgust as Suzie did when George ordered the pasta.)
KRAMER
Jerry. Buddy. Come over here. I want to give you your present.
JERRY
Can't this wait?
KRAMER
No. It's gotta be now. I'm weak. I may not have much time. (Kramer grabs a huge box and slams it down on the table. Jerry unwraps it and produces a large, scale model of the Titanic.)
JERRY
What is this?
KRAMER
It's the Titanic. 1/1000th scale. That's a good ratio.
JERRY
Well. Thank you.
KRAMER
Yeah, this baby cost a pretty penny. A couple pension checks. You know, I was supposed to be on the Titanic. But I sprained my ankle.
JERRY
And you figured you were gonna have to do a lot of walking on the trans-Atlantic crossing?
KRAMER
Are you kidding? On those cruise ships. Buffet-lines! Yoga. You've got to be ambulatory.
JERRY
What am I supposed to do with it?
KRAMER
Well, it's a wind up. You just, turn the crank and watch it go.
(Kramer winds it and lets it go. It moves towards the large block of ice that George brought to the party. Asa is standing there filling his drink. The Titanic collides with the block of ice. Freeze on Asa's face and his frightened expression.)
THE END
TAG SCENE
TORI
Pasta person. That's funny.
SUZIE
I know.
TORI
What are you doing?
SUZIE
Putting the candles in the cake.
TORI
Thirty-seven, and one for good luck. Thirty-eight.
TORI
Thirty-eight?
JERRY
Surprise.
(Tori in a huff to walk away, and collides with George who's eating an appetizer. His free hand gets a piece of Tori's chest. Suzie looks on in shock. George looks embarrassed at first, but then assumes a look of triumph.)
THE END