Remus Lupin was introverted by nature. He was "the quiet type" though not necessarily "the shy type." Remus was the type of person that thought a lot. That thought too damn much, as Sirius would say.
Ah, Sirius. The root of all of Remus's problems, but more importantly, the root of Remus's madness.
When did it all begin? How long after James, Lily and Peter died did it all fall in upon Remus?
Remus had had barely time to mourn for his fallen friends when it had started. The aches so reminiscent of his early adolescence. The horribly painful hard-on's that had drawn him from his sleep to shove a hand between his legs in order to quell the pain. In the beginning that was really all he needed. A quick jerk off and he was done. Eventually, it wasn't enough.
Even back then he had known the problem. He missed Sirius's physical presence. He missed Sirius's hands caressing him. He missed Sirius's mouth on him. And oh how he missed Sirius's cock. But what could he do? Sirius was locked away, as good as dead. And what was more, Sirius had betrayed them all. Why should he ever want to be with that scum again?
And so Remus would go out on those nights he knew he needed it. It never took long to find somebody willing. Remus was attractive enough and he didn't have a gender preference. He had nearly forgotten how pleasant it was to have a warm body beneath him. He had nearly forgotten how wonderful sex was.
But there was always something missing, always something lacking. After his fifth lover Remus discovered that the type of people he had picked up had several things in common: dark hair, light eyes, slim frames and an air of danger about them. He agonized for hours and cursed Sirius for creating this massive want in him.
Remus Lupin was introverted by nature. If something was wrong with him, he was the first to know about it and the first to know how to fix it, even if he had to be blatantly honest with himself to do it.
The lust of Sirius was a complex beast. Remus knew he wanted Sirius because they had been together for a good seven years and it was possible his body had become addicted to Sirius.
Remus had, well, been attached to Sirius. Time and time again Sirius had declared his love openly to Remus, but Remus could never quite admit it himself. In hindsight, Remus thought this was best. However, in order to attain full closure in such a powerful relationship, Remus had to have the farewell Sirius had denied him; he had to say goodbye. And shag him senseless beforehand.
Remus knew the situation was almost comical as he sat down to plan it. Who else would want to come in such intimate contact with the very person who had murdered your best friends? If Remus wasn't so driven, he might have laughed. He studied things from all different angles and it was not long before he decided that there was only one way to get Sirius from the infamous Azkaban prison.
Remus' mother had been the heiress to a famed explorer who had literally found mountains of gold on one of his expeditions. With both of his parents long since deceased and no siblings to speak of, Remus had sole control of the Lupin fortune.
It had only taken four hours of intense negotiations and several bribes with the human guards for Remus to be awarded a conjugal visit to Sirius Black. Coming out of Azkaban prison that day Remus had been both disgusted at how weak and corrupt the system was and pleased that he had gotten his way.
The agreement had been that Sirius would be secretly shipped to a hotel in a town close to Azkaban. There, Sirius would be handed over to Remus for an hour and returned promptly when the hour was up. Then Sirius would go back to Azkaban where he would spend out the rest of his life sentence.
Neither the guards nor Remus knew that this slight break from the dementors would jog Sirius's memory enough to be able to transform and eventually escape.
The dark and seedy hotel Remus had chosen was on the end of town closest to Azkaban. The town did not suffer as severely from the dementor's presence as Azkaban did, but it had the highest suicide rate in all of Britain and was generally not a place people chose to build a home.
Remus waited for them in the lobby of the hotel. He passed the time by praying to God, Lily, James and Peter for forgiveness and resolving that as soon as he was done with Sirius he would live a good life. He could hardly live frivolously any more; the better part of his fortune had gone to the human guards of Azkaban for this hour-long visit.
The negotiations had not been easy. At first when Remus had proposed the idea, the guards had laughed at him and were about to show him the door when Remus told them he'd pay them a hundred galleons each just to listen. It had taken nearly all of Remus's verbal skills to pull it off, but in the end he had come out victorious.
The front door to the hotel creaked open. Two people Remus knew to be guards walked in. To the casual onlooker, it would have seemed strange, but not all together unbelievable that the guards seemed to be struggling to walk, as if there was something between them that was holding them back like dead weight. And if this casual onlooker had looked close enough at the tips of their fingers they would find that they seemed to be gripping something invisible.
They looked at Remus who pivoted immediately and headed for the stairs, the guards and their invisible charge right behind him. Remus reached his room and unlocked the door and moved aside so Sirius could be pushed in with him.
Remus could smell him. When he turned back to the guards his pupils were dilated and he looked quite mad. As shiver passed between the guards. "You can wait in the lobby," was all that he said before closing the door.
The guards had intended to stand by the door and listen, for it wasn't often that they got this sort of excitement on the job. But the look in Remus's eyes had scared them, despite years in Azkaban and they headed back downstairs.
Now, Remus was alone with Sirius. He deftly removed the Invisibility Cloak from exactly where Sirius was standing. Only then, as Sirius stared at Remus, did it dawn on him who Remus was.
"Rem—" Remus took one fierce step forward and clapped a hand over Sirius's mouth tightly. "You will not talk," Remus hissed. "Do you understand? You will not talk. I don't want to hear your lies or your excuses. You will not talk. Nod if you understand me." Frightened, Sirius nodded.
"Good," Remus's voice was harsh and cold and he grabbed Sirius's upper arm and led him to the bed in the corner of the room. In a second Sirius's clothes were scattered over the floor and he was naked to Remus's eyes, which hungrily scoured his form.
Oh, it was wonderful. Thinner, yes. Paler, yes. But as lovely and inviting as it had been the first time Remus had ever saw it.
Remus pushed Sirius down on the bed and began to remove his own clothing. Sirius stared vacantly at Remus while he did this. He did not understand what was going on. It had taken most of his energy to recall Remus' name. It was beyond his recollection at that point to remember that he and Remus had been lovers.
When Remus had finished stripping he mounted Sirius who hadn't moved from where Remus had put him, staring up at him with complete passivity and obedience. After it was all over, that was the only part of the evening Remus allowed himself to think about: Sirius's docility. Remus had always imagined Sirius as some untamable, beautiful, wild beast. To see him broken and submissive shattered Remus's resolve to do what he came here to do. But then he remembered James, Lily and Peter and Remus decided that Sirius deserved his docility.
Then, Remus bent and kissed Sirius hungrily. It was a few moments for Sirius remembered how to respond and when he did it was better than Remus had dreamed or remembered. There was no romance or love in the kiss from Sirius' end, as there had always been before. Instead there was only desperation and a mad, aching desire.
Remus pulled his lips from Sirius and began dragging his tongue down Sirius's throat. Every touch elicited a frightened and helpless moan that gave Remus the power to continue. He wanted to memorize Sirius this way; he wanted to paint a picture of the cowardly and submissive man that he really was, so that he would never be tempted again.
When Remus reached Sirius's cock he lapped at the pre-cum and let Sirius feel the edge of his teeth, if only so Sirius would know what Remus could do. The smell of fear was hot in Remus's nostrils and he savored the scent. He spent a time worrying Sirius's cock with his tongue and teeth, teasing him and making him fear for the sensitive tissue.
Then after licking his lips, Remus drew himself from Sirius's cock and spread his legs, not bothering to prepare him with any sort of lubricant. When Remus entered Sirius, Sirius jerked forward, his eyes opening widely, recognition sharp within them. This gave Remus a savage sort of pleasure as he began to thrust in and out of Sirius, smashing him into the mattress over and over again.
Finally, it'll be over, Remus thought frantically. Finally, I shall be free of him. Finally, I shall be free of this insufferable madness. Finally!
When he came Remus felt the pain leave him. The pain that he nor any other human being could relieve. The pain that only Sirius could alleviate. Satisfied, Remus drew out of Sirius and noticed that there was come all over his hand. He must have instinctively reached for Sirius's cock. Remus shrugged at this. Denying Sirius pleasure had never been part of the plan.
He began to clean and dress himself. When he was buttoning up his shirt, Sirius spoke.
"Remus," he croaked and Remus heard the bedsprings creak as he sat up. "Remus, listen to me. I'm innocent. It was Pe—"
Remus spun on his heels and delivered a harsh smack to the side of Sirius's face. "I thought I told you not to talk!" Every word Remus spoke oozed venom and his hand was poised to deliver another blow.
Sirius did not seem to register the pain or even the fact that Remus had hit him. "Please, Remus." As though without thought, Remus swung his hand down again and began to head toward the door.
When he turned again to face Sirius for what he hoped would be the last time Sirius had put his hand to his face and was staring at Remus in shock. He seemed beyond the strength for any words and he looked more pitiful then Remus had ever seen him. Despite this, Remus's eyes were ice cold as he stared at his lover, for what he assumed to be the last time. There were so many terrible and condemning things that he wanted to say to Sirius about his murders and he was ready to say them all before he remembered all the terrible and condemning things he, himself, had done. Namely, sleeping with a known murderer.
Even as Remus left Sirius to rot and suffer, he knew that he would never be free from Sirius. Despite what he had thought about this day giving him closure, when he got on the train, when he arrived home, when he read the Daily Prophet, he knew he was not free of Sirius. That he would never be free of Sirius. That he would never be free of his most horrid sin, hidden in the darkest shadows in the darkest part of Remus' soul.
For though sleeping with a known murderer was bad, loving a known murderer was far worse.
In a dark room, rank with the smells of sex and fear, two lovers faced each other.
One, innocent of a terrible crime.
The other, guilty in his own heart.
All Remus had wanted to say was goodbye. All he wanted was an end to the madness. But when he spoke, the words spilled out of his mouth of their own will.
"I love you, Sirius."
And he rushed from the room, unable to face the terrible truth.