Title: Lucius Malfoy's Terrifying Loss
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
"Narcissa!" Lucius stampeded down the hall while pulling on his black cloak. "Where is my cane?"
"Isn't it by the bed?"
"No! Find it! I'm going to be late!"
Narcissa and the house servents were forced to search for Lucius Malfoy's beloved cane. Lucius found the top half, consisting of his wand, on the dresser. This was a relief, but Lucius wanted the rest of his cane as well. He just didn't feel right without it. He felt...incomplete.
"Damn," he yelled, thoroughly irritated.
"Well, Lucius, I don't know what you've done with it," snapped Narcissa.
Lucius' eyes widened. *He* had not misplaced it. Someone must had taken the bottom half of his cane. There was no other explanation.
"Which one of you stole the other half of my cane," demanded Lucius, eyes flashing dangerously.
The poor servents exchanged horrified glances.
"Who would want to steal an incomplete cane? Really, darling, you're overreacting. You're also late for work," Narcissa informed her husband.
Lucius Malfoy had no other option than to go to work without his beloved cane. He sneered at Arthur Weasley upon arriving. Arthur halted and stared at him.
"Lucius...you look different. Did you trim your hair?"
"Go and fiddle with some useless Muggle invention, you fool," spat Lucius, and stalked to his office.
Things only went downhill from there. Fudge called Lucius in to see if he could smooth over a writing error that had deeply offended the receiving party. Appearently, the writer, in a bit of a hurry, had written the words "public relations" and had omitted the 'l' in the first word. Fudge was too much of a pansy to face the heat himself. Lucius spent the better part of two hours being called a series of rude names. Oh, how Lucius had missed his cane. Then again, it was probably a very good thing he hadn't had it at that point.
By lunch, Lucius was feeling very uneasy. He just knew that if he'd been in posession of his cane that insolent asshole would not have talked down to him. No one ever dared speak so disrespectfully to Lucius Malfoy! Where was the other half of his cane? Who had stolen it? One of his co-workers? Was there a conspiracy to see him falter from his esteemed position? Were they secretly laughing behind his back?
Someone knocked on the door and walked on in.
"Sir, would you l-"
"Get out, evil infidel," yelled Lucius, leaping behind his desk for cover.
His secretary screamed in terror and immediately obeyed. Had she dared to linger she would have seen a pair of keen gray eyes, draped with long ash blond hair, peering over the desk, frantically darting from side to side. He would not let them win! But what if it wasn't them? Who else could it be? Had his own *wife* been lying to him? What possible reason would Narcissa have for denying him his precious cane? Maybe it wasn't Narcissa. Perhaps Draco had it. But he was at school-and so was Severus Snape. Yes, Severus was the only person with a reason to steal the bottom half of Lucius Malfoy's cane!
Snape surveyed his class unfavorably. "As you can see, these speckled frog livers form an integral part of the-"
The door flew open, giving everyone in the room a jolt. The tall, slender figure of Lucius Malfoy stormed in, eyes blazing, long blond hair streaming behind him. Draco had to do a double take.
"Father?"
"You *stole* my cane," bellowed Lucius, thrusting his finger at Severus.
Snape narrowed his black eyes. "Excuse me," he asked in his quiet, sinister voice.
"Where *is* it? Give it back now!" Lucius stood before Snape, mindless of the whispers floating about him.
"Who is that?"
"Isn't that Draco's father?"
"Hey, Malfoy," whispered Ron, "looks like your old man's finally cracked."
"Shove it, Weasley," hissed Draco, though he secretly agreed.
Snape resolved to be calm. "Lucius," he said, closing his book, "I have no idea what you are ranting about. Th-"
With a growl, Lucius lunged at Snape, knocking both of them onto the floor. The students immediately encircled the two men as they rolled around, each trying to gain the upper hand.
"Fight! Fight!" chanted the Slytherins, and several Gryffindors.
Draco was too stunned to do anything but watch his father and his favorite professor pummel one another mercilessly.
"You slimy bastard! You took my cane," shrieked Lucius.
"I took nothing! You're mad," yelled Snape, trying to remove Lucius' hands from his throat with one hand, and fumbling for his wand with the other.
"You've always been jealous of my cane and I! And you didn't even steal the whole thing, you moronic ass! What good is half a cane to you?"
"That cane has corrupted your mind, Lucius! It's an obsession! You cannot function without it! It's an inanimate object for Merlin's sake," rasped Snape, managing to pin the mad Malfoy down, knees resting on Lucius' shoulders.
A few of the spectators, including Harry Potter, giggled as naughty thoughts entered their minds.
"Harry," admonished Hermione, clearly not approving.
"My cane," groaned Lucius. "I am less than a man without my cane!"
Seamus looked at Dean. "Which 'cane' is he talking about here?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Obviously, the cane represents an extension of Mr. Malfoy's manhood. The absence, or robbery, of the cane is clearly a threat to his manhood. Therefore,-"
"All right," spat Snape, "I admit it. I stole the blasted thing, but only because I'm sick to death of your bringing it down on my shoulder in that damned abrupt fashion! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?"
"The caaaaaaaaaaane," moaned Lucius, unblinking, resembling a zombie. "The caaaaaaaaane!" He gripped Severus' arms, and his eyes began to roll back.
"For fuck's sake, give him the rest of his cane, professor," said Draco, thoroughly freaked out.
"Here! Take the bloody thing!" Snape reached inside his voluminous black robes and produced Lucius' better half. Lucius replaced his wand into the cane, got to his feet, adjusted his cloak, and exited.
The next morning...
"Narcissa! Where are my black leather gloves?"
Back at Hogwarts...
Snape lie on his bed, rubbing the glorious leather gloves against his pale cheek. He paused, momentarily, and deeply inhaled the luxerious scent with his abnormally large nose. Next time he would take something...a little more intimate. Smiling, Snape stuffed Lucius Malfoy's black leather gloves down the front of his pants, and went out to greet the day.
~FIN~
A/N: Please note that each story does not follow any kind of continuity. Each story is unique unto itself.
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
"Narcissa!" Lucius stampeded down the hall while pulling on his black cloak. "Where is my cane?"
"Isn't it by the bed?"
"No! Find it! I'm going to be late!"
Narcissa and the house servents were forced to search for Lucius Malfoy's beloved cane. Lucius found the top half, consisting of his wand, on the dresser. This was a relief, but Lucius wanted the rest of his cane as well. He just didn't feel right without it. He felt...incomplete.
"Damn," he yelled, thoroughly irritated.
"Well, Lucius, I don't know what you've done with it," snapped Narcissa.
Lucius' eyes widened. *He* had not misplaced it. Someone must had taken the bottom half of his cane. There was no other explanation.
"Which one of you stole the other half of my cane," demanded Lucius, eyes flashing dangerously.
The poor servents exchanged horrified glances.
"Who would want to steal an incomplete cane? Really, darling, you're overreacting. You're also late for work," Narcissa informed her husband.
Lucius Malfoy had no other option than to go to work without his beloved cane. He sneered at Arthur Weasley upon arriving. Arthur halted and stared at him.
"Lucius...you look different. Did you trim your hair?"
"Go and fiddle with some useless Muggle invention, you fool," spat Lucius, and stalked to his office.
Things only went downhill from there. Fudge called Lucius in to see if he could smooth over a writing error that had deeply offended the receiving party. Appearently, the writer, in a bit of a hurry, had written the words "public relations" and had omitted the 'l' in the first word. Fudge was too much of a pansy to face the heat himself. Lucius spent the better part of two hours being called a series of rude names. Oh, how Lucius had missed his cane. Then again, it was probably a very good thing he hadn't had it at that point.
By lunch, Lucius was feeling very uneasy. He just knew that if he'd been in posession of his cane that insolent asshole would not have talked down to him. No one ever dared speak so disrespectfully to Lucius Malfoy! Where was the other half of his cane? Who had stolen it? One of his co-workers? Was there a conspiracy to see him falter from his esteemed position? Were they secretly laughing behind his back?
Someone knocked on the door and walked on in.
"Sir, would you l-"
"Get out, evil infidel," yelled Lucius, leaping behind his desk for cover.
His secretary screamed in terror and immediately obeyed. Had she dared to linger she would have seen a pair of keen gray eyes, draped with long ash blond hair, peering over the desk, frantically darting from side to side. He would not let them win! But what if it wasn't them? Who else could it be? Had his own *wife* been lying to him? What possible reason would Narcissa have for denying him his precious cane? Maybe it wasn't Narcissa. Perhaps Draco had it. But he was at school-and so was Severus Snape. Yes, Severus was the only person with a reason to steal the bottom half of Lucius Malfoy's cane!
Snape surveyed his class unfavorably. "As you can see, these speckled frog livers form an integral part of the-"
The door flew open, giving everyone in the room a jolt. The tall, slender figure of Lucius Malfoy stormed in, eyes blazing, long blond hair streaming behind him. Draco had to do a double take.
"Father?"
"You *stole* my cane," bellowed Lucius, thrusting his finger at Severus.
Snape narrowed his black eyes. "Excuse me," he asked in his quiet, sinister voice.
"Where *is* it? Give it back now!" Lucius stood before Snape, mindless of the whispers floating about him.
"Who is that?"
"Isn't that Draco's father?"
"Hey, Malfoy," whispered Ron, "looks like your old man's finally cracked."
"Shove it, Weasley," hissed Draco, though he secretly agreed.
Snape resolved to be calm. "Lucius," he said, closing his book, "I have no idea what you are ranting about. Th-"
With a growl, Lucius lunged at Snape, knocking both of them onto the floor. The students immediately encircled the two men as they rolled around, each trying to gain the upper hand.
"Fight! Fight!" chanted the Slytherins, and several Gryffindors.
Draco was too stunned to do anything but watch his father and his favorite professor pummel one another mercilessly.
"You slimy bastard! You took my cane," shrieked Lucius.
"I took nothing! You're mad," yelled Snape, trying to remove Lucius' hands from his throat with one hand, and fumbling for his wand with the other.
"You've always been jealous of my cane and I! And you didn't even steal the whole thing, you moronic ass! What good is half a cane to you?"
"That cane has corrupted your mind, Lucius! It's an obsession! You cannot function without it! It's an inanimate object for Merlin's sake," rasped Snape, managing to pin the mad Malfoy down, knees resting on Lucius' shoulders.
A few of the spectators, including Harry Potter, giggled as naughty thoughts entered their minds.
"Harry," admonished Hermione, clearly not approving.
"My cane," groaned Lucius. "I am less than a man without my cane!"
Seamus looked at Dean. "Which 'cane' is he talking about here?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Obviously, the cane represents an extension of Mr. Malfoy's manhood. The absence, or robbery, of the cane is clearly a threat to his manhood. Therefore,-"
"All right," spat Snape, "I admit it. I stole the blasted thing, but only because I'm sick to death of your bringing it down on my shoulder in that damned abrupt fashion! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?"
"The caaaaaaaaaaane," moaned Lucius, unblinking, resembling a zombie. "The caaaaaaaaane!" He gripped Severus' arms, and his eyes began to roll back.
"For fuck's sake, give him the rest of his cane, professor," said Draco, thoroughly freaked out.
"Here! Take the bloody thing!" Snape reached inside his voluminous black robes and produced Lucius' better half. Lucius replaced his wand into the cane, got to his feet, adjusted his cloak, and exited.
The next morning...
"Narcissa! Where are my black leather gloves?"
Back at Hogwarts...
Snape lie on his bed, rubbing the glorious leather gloves against his pale cheek. He paused, momentarily, and deeply inhaled the luxerious scent with his abnormally large nose. Next time he would take something...a little more intimate. Smiling, Snape stuffed Lucius Malfoy's black leather gloves down the front of his pants, and went out to greet the day.
~FIN~
A/N: Please note that each story does not follow any kind of continuity. Each story is unique unto itself.