Title: Damn, We're Smooth
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I did have a dream about Lucius the other night. I can't remember specifics, though I do recall it involved hair. Go figure.
Lucius Malfoy was bored. He sat at his desk in his study, and gazed dejectedly out the window. The day's paperwork was done, it was Friday evening, and the familiar pursual of a novel left a bad taste in Lucius' mouth. He wanted to do something more exciting. Honestly, the sinister blond was so bored he nearly summoned his wife and asked her if she wanted to go shopping.
The joyous laughter of Draco and his friends, as they played chicken on their brooms, distracted Lucius. Children always found ways to occupy themselves. Lucky things. They had yet to learn the restrictions of embarassment. Children would do anything for even the briefest timeframe so long as it entertained them. Really, being an adult was most confining and unimaginative. After all, Lucius couldn't very well run outside and suggest a playful game of fortress, where the players assaulted each other mercilessly with dirt clods. A child could come up with anything and be smiled at, whereas an adult had to watch himself or he'd be shipped off to the madhouse.
With a sigh, Lucius propped his head on his hand and idlely let the pages of a thick volume fall beneath his thin fingers. Glancing outside yet again, Lucius discovered that Draco and his droogs had taken to tying rope around their ankles and attatching the other end to the handles of their broomsticks. Lucius hurried outside before Draco could take off with his friend, Lance, attatched to his Firebolt.
"Stop that before one of you end up maimed!"
With guilty grins, the boys obliged.
"If only we had a house elf, we could use it."
"Well we do not have a house elf anymore, Draco."
"If we had Potter, we could use him."
"Draco, I am going to tie *you* to the end of my broom and fly over a tarpit if you do not do as I say."
"Wicked!" exclaimed one of the boys.
Lucius shot them a final warning look before retiring once more to the study.
"Grownups," muttered Lance.
Early the next morning, Lucius ventured from the shower feeling somewhat glum. Narcissa was spending the day shopping with her friends, and Lucius Malfoy did not wish to participate, thank-you. Opening the door to his wardrobe, Lucius dropped his towel when confronted with his mother-in-law.
"Lucius Malfoy," she crowed, "I told you to cut that hair and-"
Recovering, Lucius seized his wand, pointed it at the old woman, and yelled, "Redikulus!"
Her wig fell off and she shrieked, hopping around madly. When the boggart was vanquished, Lucius went downstairs to breakfast where Draco sat behaving a little too well.
"Morning, father," greeted Draco in his most polite voice.
Lucius eyed his son warily as he shook out a fresh napkin.
"I don't want to know where or how, Draco, but if it had better not happen again."
"What happened, dear?" inquired Narcissa as the maid poured tea and coffee.
Draco smirked while his father briefly explained the boggart incident.
"Draco! That isn't funny," chided Narcissa, then immediately spotted a sale in the paper. "Oh look! Thirty percent off all jewelery at The Bejewled Banshee!"
Lucius frowned at his wife and picked up his coffee. "No more idiotic acrobatics on that broom today, Draco."
"No time for that," Draco informed his father. "Lance and I are going to Diagon Alley."
"You will do well to remember not to venture down Knockturn Alley unless you desire an impressive whacking in front of your little friends."
Draco made a face. "Father, I'm far too old to be spanked."
"That's what you think. *My* father gave me an occassional spanking until I was seventeen."
Narcissa burst into giggles upon hearing this. Lucius frowned at her. None of them noticed the maid hurry out of the dining room with her hand over her mouth.
By early afternoon, Lucius was getting desperate for entertainment. Being in a somewhat intellectual mood, he picked up some powder and tossed it into the fireplace.
"Severus, what are you doing?"
A moment later, Snape's grouchy head appeared, cigarette positioned in the corner of his mouth.
"Research," came the reply. "What do you want?"
"Care for a game of chess?"
"No! I am busy!"
"Too bad. Now, get your cloak and get over here."
A few minutes later, Snape's skinny, greasy-haired figure stepped into Lucius' receiving room.
"Couldn't you bother someone else?"
"Severus, are you ever in a good mood?"
"No!"
Lucius smirked. Once they were in the study, he fired up a joint.
"Oh, you're cool," sneered Snape, seating himself in one of the plush red chairs.
"Severus, if I looked to you for acceptance, I'd be in a world of hurt. Have you considered becoming a guidance counselor? I can see it now: 'Sir, nothing seems to be going right in my life.' 'Shut up and stop wasting my time you miserable little brat!'".
Snape scowled at Lucius and accepted the joint. "I suppose your advice would be to get a new suit."
"Actually, I'd advise investing in auto-erotic self-help literature."
"That kid of yours is doomed, Lucius. He's probably sitting in the back of a dark, seedy club at this very moment, smoking hydroponic, and saying, 'My old man's a dick!'"
They played a game of chess or two, then lit up another joint.
"You handle your weed much better than you used to, Severus."
"You're the one who had the epiphany about blast-ended skrewts, then wrote an essay on it."
"I was fifteen!"
"Well, you thought of it, didn't you?" Snape suddenly looked thoughtful. "My hair feels weird," he announced, and proceed to run his fingers through it.
"Merlin's scrotum, Severus, you washed it!" choked Lucius, finally exhaling smoke.
Snape gave him a funny look, then abruptly burst into laughter. He hadn't had a good laugh in a very long time. The sound of his own laughter sounded odd. Actually, it sounded funny, and Severus proceeded to laugh uproariously at his own laughter.
"You are definitely fucked up," Lucius informed him. "I believe you've had enough."
"Give me that!" Snape reached for the joint.
"No." Lucius was silent a moment, then said, "What if, to the Supreme Being, the entire universe is one little room, and ultra-violet is nothing more than a theory?"
"There you go again, always attempting to be philosophical in your drug-induced dementia," coughed Snape.
"Do you have a better idea?"
"Yes."
Silence.
"Well? What is it?"
"What is what?"
"What were we talking about?"
"Horseradish."
Lucius burst into uncontrollable laughter. Snape soon joined in, his legs trembling a bit. His legs always trembled a bit when he was on a good high. Still laughing, Snape pulled out a cigarette and repeatedly attempted to light it with his wand.
"Damn thing won't work!"
"It's in backwards, you idiot!"
"Wha-oh." Snape turned the cigarette around, lit it, and made a face. "Damn charred filter tastes like crap."
Lucius lounged in his chair. "I'm hungry."
"Same here."
"Go and get a servent."
"I'm too comfortable to move."
"Then we'll just sit here."
They sat.
"This is a damn good cigarette," announced Snape.
"Do you think Minerva McGonagall wears underwear?"
Snape winced. "Lucius, you scare me."
"It's a legitimate question."
"You are mentally ill for thinking such a thing!"
"Do you mentally undress your students?"
"Lucius, you are a pervert!" More silence. "Some of them."
Lucius chuckled in gleeful delight. "Who's the pervert now? I'll bet you've had some of your past girlfriends dress up like school girls and partake of some disciplinary role-playing."
"Does Narcissa know you are this perverted?"
"One time, Narcissa sent me some nude photographs of herself to the Ministry for a surpise anniversary present. Only, the owl delivered them to Fudge by mistake, and he gave me a huge Christmas bonus."
"You are lying!"
Lucius shook his head. He managed to get to his feet. "Let's go outside for some fresh air, shall we?"
Narcissa Malfoy came home to quite a chaotic household. She heard loud laughter, but couldn't see where it was coming from. A mob of servents ran outside to meet Narcissa, informing her that her husband had gone mad. They led her around to the back of the house where she saw Lucius, laughing hysterically, riding his broom low to the ground, and dragging Snape by the ankle by aide of some rope. Snape lie there with his arms dragging behind him, cigarette in mouth, giggling like an escaped mental patient.
Narcissa hid her face in her hand. That dratted husband of hers had been hitting the dope again. It wasn't at all surprising when the two men ended up at the hospital to have several broken bones mended. Lucius was not very pleased when he learned that broken collar bones took several treatments to heal, but he considered the tradeoff for a day of fun well worth the sacrifice.
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I did have a dream about Lucius the other night. I can't remember specifics, though I do recall it involved hair. Go figure.
Lucius Malfoy was bored. He sat at his desk in his study, and gazed dejectedly out the window. The day's paperwork was done, it was Friday evening, and the familiar pursual of a novel left a bad taste in Lucius' mouth. He wanted to do something more exciting. Honestly, the sinister blond was so bored he nearly summoned his wife and asked her if she wanted to go shopping.
The joyous laughter of Draco and his friends, as they played chicken on their brooms, distracted Lucius. Children always found ways to occupy themselves. Lucky things. They had yet to learn the restrictions of embarassment. Children would do anything for even the briefest timeframe so long as it entertained them. Really, being an adult was most confining and unimaginative. After all, Lucius couldn't very well run outside and suggest a playful game of fortress, where the players assaulted each other mercilessly with dirt clods. A child could come up with anything and be smiled at, whereas an adult had to watch himself or he'd be shipped off to the madhouse.
With a sigh, Lucius propped his head on his hand and idlely let the pages of a thick volume fall beneath his thin fingers. Glancing outside yet again, Lucius discovered that Draco and his droogs had taken to tying rope around their ankles and attatching the other end to the handles of their broomsticks. Lucius hurried outside before Draco could take off with his friend, Lance, attatched to his Firebolt.
"Stop that before one of you end up maimed!"
With guilty grins, the boys obliged.
"If only we had a house elf, we could use it."
"Well we do not have a house elf anymore, Draco."
"If we had Potter, we could use him."
"Draco, I am going to tie *you* to the end of my broom and fly over a tarpit if you do not do as I say."
"Wicked!" exclaimed one of the boys.
Lucius shot them a final warning look before retiring once more to the study.
"Grownups," muttered Lance.
Early the next morning, Lucius ventured from the shower feeling somewhat glum. Narcissa was spending the day shopping with her friends, and Lucius Malfoy did not wish to participate, thank-you. Opening the door to his wardrobe, Lucius dropped his towel when confronted with his mother-in-law.
"Lucius Malfoy," she crowed, "I told you to cut that hair and-"
Recovering, Lucius seized his wand, pointed it at the old woman, and yelled, "Redikulus!"
Her wig fell off and she shrieked, hopping around madly. When the boggart was vanquished, Lucius went downstairs to breakfast where Draco sat behaving a little too well.
"Morning, father," greeted Draco in his most polite voice.
Lucius eyed his son warily as he shook out a fresh napkin.
"I don't want to know where or how, Draco, but if it had better not happen again."
"What happened, dear?" inquired Narcissa as the maid poured tea and coffee.
Draco smirked while his father briefly explained the boggart incident.
"Draco! That isn't funny," chided Narcissa, then immediately spotted a sale in the paper. "Oh look! Thirty percent off all jewelery at The Bejewled Banshee!"
Lucius frowned at his wife and picked up his coffee. "No more idiotic acrobatics on that broom today, Draco."
"No time for that," Draco informed his father. "Lance and I are going to Diagon Alley."
"You will do well to remember not to venture down Knockturn Alley unless you desire an impressive whacking in front of your little friends."
Draco made a face. "Father, I'm far too old to be spanked."
"That's what you think. *My* father gave me an occassional spanking until I was seventeen."
Narcissa burst into giggles upon hearing this. Lucius frowned at her. None of them noticed the maid hurry out of the dining room with her hand over her mouth.
By early afternoon, Lucius was getting desperate for entertainment. Being in a somewhat intellectual mood, he picked up some powder and tossed it into the fireplace.
"Severus, what are you doing?"
A moment later, Snape's grouchy head appeared, cigarette positioned in the corner of his mouth.
"Research," came the reply. "What do you want?"
"Care for a game of chess?"
"No! I am busy!"
"Too bad. Now, get your cloak and get over here."
A few minutes later, Snape's skinny, greasy-haired figure stepped into Lucius' receiving room.
"Couldn't you bother someone else?"
"Severus, are you ever in a good mood?"
"No!"
Lucius smirked. Once they were in the study, he fired up a joint.
"Oh, you're cool," sneered Snape, seating himself in one of the plush red chairs.
"Severus, if I looked to you for acceptance, I'd be in a world of hurt. Have you considered becoming a guidance counselor? I can see it now: 'Sir, nothing seems to be going right in my life.' 'Shut up and stop wasting my time you miserable little brat!'".
Snape scowled at Lucius and accepted the joint. "I suppose your advice would be to get a new suit."
"Actually, I'd advise investing in auto-erotic self-help literature."
"That kid of yours is doomed, Lucius. He's probably sitting in the back of a dark, seedy club at this very moment, smoking hydroponic, and saying, 'My old man's a dick!'"
They played a game of chess or two, then lit up another joint.
"You handle your weed much better than you used to, Severus."
"You're the one who had the epiphany about blast-ended skrewts, then wrote an essay on it."
"I was fifteen!"
"Well, you thought of it, didn't you?" Snape suddenly looked thoughtful. "My hair feels weird," he announced, and proceed to run his fingers through it.
"Merlin's scrotum, Severus, you washed it!" choked Lucius, finally exhaling smoke.
Snape gave him a funny look, then abruptly burst into laughter. He hadn't had a good laugh in a very long time. The sound of his own laughter sounded odd. Actually, it sounded funny, and Severus proceeded to laugh uproariously at his own laughter.
"You are definitely fucked up," Lucius informed him. "I believe you've had enough."
"Give me that!" Snape reached for the joint.
"No." Lucius was silent a moment, then said, "What if, to the Supreme Being, the entire universe is one little room, and ultra-violet is nothing more than a theory?"
"There you go again, always attempting to be philosophical in your drug-induced dementia," coughed Snape.
"Do you have a better idea?"
"Yes."
Silence.
"Well? What is it?"
"What is what?"
"What were we talking about?"
"Horseradish."
Lucius burst into uncontrollable laughter. Snape soon joined in, his legs trembling a bit. His legs always trembled a bit when he was on a good high. Still laughing, Snape pulled out a cigarette and repeatedly attempted to light it with his wand.
"Damn thing won't work!"
"It's in backwards, you idiot!"
"Wha-oh." Snape turned the cigarette around, lit it, and made a face. "Damn charred filter tastes like crap."
Lucius lounged in his chair. "I'm hungry."
"Same here."
"Go and get a servent."
"I'm too comfortable to move."
"Then we'll just sit here."
They sat.
"This is a damn good cigarette," announced Snape.
"Do you think Minerva McGonagall wears underwear?"
Snape winced. "Lucius, you scare me."
"It's a legitimate question."
"You are mentally ill for thinking such a thing!"
"Do you mentally undress your students?"
"Lucius, you are a pervert!" More silence. "Some of them."
Lucius chuckled in gleeful delight. "Who's the pervert now? I'll bet you've had some of your past girlfriends dress up like school girls and partake of some disciplinary role-playing."
"Does Narcissa know you are this perverted?"
"One time, Narcissa sent me some nude photographs of herself to the Ministry for a surpise anniversary present. Only, the owl delivered them to Fudge by mistake, and he gave me a huge Christmas bonus."
"You are lying!"
Lucius shook his head. He managed to get to his feet. "Let's go outside for some fresh air, shall we?"
Narcissa Malfoy came home to quite a chaotic household. She heard loud laughter, but couldn't see where it was coming from. A mob of servents ran outside to meet Narcissa, informing her that her husband had gone mad. They led her around to the back of the house where she saw Lucius, laughing hysterically, riding his broom low to the ground, and dragging Snape by the ankle by aide of some rope. Snape lie there with his arms dragging behind him, cigarette in mouth, giggling like an escaped mental patient.
Narcissa hid her face in her hand. That dratted husband of hers had been hitting the dope again. It wasn't at all surprising when the two men ended up at the hospital to have several broken bones mended. Lucius was not very pleased when he learned that broken collar bones took several treatments to heal, but he considered the tradeoff for a day of fun well worth the sacrifice.
~FIN~