Forgive Me My Transgressions
Most days he can forget his transgressions.
But there are days when he is haunted by them
Lately, they come more often.
There is always a trigger.
More often than not it is guilt.
Tonight it's a brush of silk clad skin.
Tonight it's walking into the past.
Colliding with the lies and secrets he holds.
He made the conscious choice once to lie about his sister.
To let her husband continue to think she was dead.
She was dying, so he convinced himself that he did the right thing.
He didn't regret it.
Especially not when the other man, a man he thought of as his being best friend, married again.
(The new wife his other best friend.)
He didn't regret it when he saw how happy she made his former brother-in-law and nephew, because he was doing the honorable thing.
He was protecting his sister the only way he knew how.
He was keeping a promise he made to her years before the only way he knew how.
That was the only consolation he had when he stood alone and watched her buried. The only one he had now, when he stood at a grave marked only with an angle and no name. When he remembered her.
It was all he allowed himself.
But, he still believed it was one of the few noble acts he had ever committed.
Only it wasn't the only lie of its kind he helped to perpetrate.
Wasn't the only secret of its kind that he kept.
And the second one had walked into him.Or had he walked into her?
It didn't really matter.
He steadied her as she steadied him, those few seconds reminiscent of their relationship when she had been someone else. A fitting analogy, he thought as he watched her move away, a shared smile all the acknowledgement they gave each other.
All they ever could, unless his wife was singing at a fundraiser she had arranged. And even then, it wasn't what it should be.
What it once was.
And as he watched her move away, he was forced to remind himself that this wasn't the first time he had kept a secret like this.
He had done it for Pam.
Now he did it for her.
It was like some cruel joke, he supposed.
A sin repeated.
Watching as the joke was played more cruelly on her as she was 'introduced' to a man who was once her brother-in-law, he had to turn away. As he did he caught sight of the other man who knew her secret.
Another cruel joke.
That two enemies like them should share such a secret.
Such an obligation.
But they did.
He wondered if it would be a consolation that he might one day stand at her grave with him as the only other person who'd know the truth.
Or maybe, she'd stand at his.
He supposed it didn't matter as he turned away and moved through the crowd.
Catching sight of his nephew, he moved towards him.
He was behind him when he caught sight of her.
He heard his nephew call her old name.
Wasn't seen as she turned instinctively before reacting to her new name being called.
Could only watch as his nephew's shoulders slumped and he turned confusion and dejection a mixture on his face as he walked away.
Walked towards the bar.
Another sin to be repeated, only this one apparently not by him.
Feeling pressure on his shoulders, he knew he had to get out of there.
Because it wasn't right.
It wasn't fair.
His sins were repeating, and not only on himself.
And he had to stay silent.
Once it was so someone could die in peace.
This time it was so someone could live.
He had made promises.
He intended to keep them.
Even if it killed him.
Just as long as it didn't kill one of them.
Most days he could forget his transgressions.
He'd make sure tomorrow was one of them.
He just wondered if he'd be able to forgive them.
If they'd ever be able to forgive him. . .