"Ugh! We get stuck with a giant oaf and a future photographer for Us Weekly," said Draco to Goyle. "And worst of all, I have no booze!"

"I chugged a bottle of vodka on the bus," said Goyle. "Maybe there's some alcohol in my urine. Want me to give you some of my pee, Draco?"

"This story just keeps getting sicker and sicker," said Draco. "Next think you know, Lammy'll make really crappy penis jokes."

Crabbe, Fred, and George were all getting undressed by the lake.

"Whoa! Check out the package of meat on Crabbe!" said Fred.

"Dude! If I got that pork sword, I would ask for my money back!" exclaimed George, as he and Fred started laughing.

Crabbe flushed and covered his manhood. "Stop looking at my trouser snake!" he shouted.

"DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUSAGE?"

Fred turned to George, "Did you hear something?" he asked.

"Nope," said George. "And Crabbe, really. That's more like a trouser worm. Trouser snake my ass!"

"I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!"

"Fred, I heard it that time," said George.

"Let's investigate, Georgy old boy!"

"Let's!" And with that they looked behind a big bush and saw Harry Potter hiding behind it.

"HARRY?!?!" said Fred and George in unison.

"He was looking at my special area!" said Crabbe.

"Harry, you've got some explaining to do," said Fred in a tone that sounded very much like his mother's.

"Alright! I came out here to spy on you as you were skinny dipping," confessed Harry.

"Eww!" said Crabbe, who placed his other hand over his family jewels, which was very unnecessary as one hand more than covered them up. Yeah, he was a small one.

"Can you really blame me though?" said Harry. "I could either look at your sticks, or go gather sticks with Ron."

"He's got a point," said Fred. "Our sticks are legend."

"Doesn't anyone but me find this the slightest bit gay?" said Crabbe.

"You're an idiot, Crabbe," said George. "Nobody calls it gay in fanfics, it's called a slash pairing."

"Yeah," said Fred. "The Harry/Draco ones tend to be the most popular."

"Whoa! How come I'm in this crappy story and not one of those awesome slash pairings?" pouted Harry.

"Because Lammy sucks ass at slash," said Fred. "Unless you want small-package Crabbe going through the back door, I'd shut the hell up."

Crabbe looked rather offended. "Wait a minute! You mean Potter is in all these slash fics? What about me? Goyle and I practically scream slashy goodness. I mean really, we're always together!"

"Acutally," said George. "If you type 'slash goyle crabbe' into the fanfic.net search engine, you only get 13 results, and most are really for Harry/Draco pairings."

"But if you type 'slash harry draco,' you get 699!" said Fred.

"Haha! You said 69!" said Harry.

Crabbe looked rather heartbroken. "Five books, with all that gay behavior, and all I get to show for it is a measly 13 slash pairings?"

"'Fraid so, Crabby!" said George. "And like I said, it's actually less than that."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" shouted Crabbe.

"Did you hear something," said Professor Snape as he trudged along the side of the road.

"I can no longer hear a scream in the night, only the beating of my heart!" sighed Hermione.

"Dear Lord! Why did I have to get stuck with her?" thought Snape.

They came to a small little Muggle grocery store and walked in. Professor Snape looked around him. The place smelled foul, like oil and Windex. The store was lit with hideous flourecent lighting, which showed how absolutely dirty the floor was. He saw two old men in sweatpants and baseball caps leaning against the produce, one of which was picking his nose.

"And THIS is where Muggles buy their food?" said Professor Snape, haughtily.

Hermione didn't hear him. She was already skipping off to get the hot dogs. Before Professor Snape had time to look around much, she came bounding back with them.

"I've got them, Professor Snape!" she said. "I decided to go for the footlongs, but I'm willing to bet they've got nothing on you!"

Snape almost puked. That was the grossest thing he had ever heard. Kids these days, they were just getting worse and worse. He walked with Hermione up to a cash register.

Hermione placed the pack of hotdogs in front of a raven-haired girl with a lot of piercings. The girl ran the package across a laser and put the hotdogs into the bag. Professor Snape read her name tag, "Delia," it said.

"Hey, what are you staring at? Are you staring at my boobs?" said Delia.

"Why would he be staring at your boobs?" scoffed Hermione. "He's got me to look at."

"No wonder he was staring at my boobs," said Delia. She turned her gaze to Professor Snape. "Hey, you're kind of sexy," she said. "I get off in 15 minutes, you wanna do something?"

Professor Snape stood there silent. Did he just get asked out? However, Hermione was anything but silent. Her face got red, and before Snape knew what had happened, Hermione's wand was out and she pointed it at Delia.

"Oooh, you point that stick at me, little girl. I feel really threatened," she said. "Why don't you go home and play dollies?"

"Engorgio!" shouted Hermione. And with that, Delia swelled up like a beach ball.

"SECURITY!" shouted Delia. Suddenly, two men wielding bats came rushing at Hermione and Snape.

"Run!" said Hermione, as she grabbed Snape by the hand and dashed out of the store.