Author's Note: I know, it's been a ANOTHER long while since I updated. I'm still working out this whole having two and three jobs thing. I'm getting there. Okay, I just want to say that this was a VERY difficult chapter to write. It took me three days to get on paper and another hour and a half to type up. It was very draining to write, and even though the ever-fabulous Macisgate says I did well, I'm always uneasy about most things I write. Ok, so enough outta me. I don't know when the next update will be. I have like, negative time to myself to get stuff like this done, but I'm doing my best. Thanks everyone for their support.
Disclaimers/Spoilers: See previous chapters. Nothing's changed. Rated 'R' for language and...adult situations, I guess.
Cassie had always enjoyed running. It was the only time she ever felt truly free, free of burden, free of responsibility. Even as a child on Hanka, she had run about without a care in the world, her parents laughingly allowing her freedom until they felt it was time she'd had enough and reigned her in with the promise of more dashing about another day.
Hanka. Her parents. The first deep loss she'd suffered. Unfortunately, it was not the last.
Her career as a runner on Earth had begun her first gym class in high school. As she'd forced the girls to run laps, the gym coach apparently had noticed some special spark in Cassie and recommended her to the track coach. Not long after, she'd begun training with the Fall track team and had run Track and Field for her high school ever since. She'd run distance, sprints, relays--anything. Just so long as she could run. She loved pushing her body to its limits, feeling her heart pound, forcing herself to breathe in a tightly controlled manner.
Her mother had always tried to come to every track meet but generally only ever made it to about half. But when Cassie had been given a full track scholarship to the University of Colorado, Janet Fraser had been elated. She'd taken Cassie out to dinner at a French bistro in town. She'd then promised they'd go to Lake Tahoe for vacation before Cassie went away to school in August.
Cassie felt tears sting her eyes as she pushed on through the woods that surrounded the cabin. The Northern Minnesota air was crisp and clean and filled her bursting lungs. The lake lay ahead of her, beckoning brilliantly, the sunlight glinting off the still, clear waters.
The day Janet had gone off world to help rescue the stranded team, Cassie had been competing in the State Track Championship in Denver. Janet had promised to be there. She'd arranged to have the day off and everything. But of course, Cassie was forced to take a back seat to matters of galactic importance. Unaware that her mother was on a mission that would cost her her life, Cassie enjoyed her pre-competition time with the girls on her team. Her track girls were like her other family outside of the SGC. Until she'd met them, Cassie had always felt like an outsider, like a little bit of a freak. To them, she was merely their friend and comrade. She'd wondered if Teal'c felt the same way about SG-1 that she felt about her track girls.
Cassie vividly remembered the day her mother died. Or rather, the day she found out her mother was dead. She'd been staying in a motel with the team, a Days Inn. In-room HBO and free continental breakfast till eleven. It was strange, the things you remembered about days like that. Her roommates were Sara McCone, Danielle DiPietro, and Fran Thomas. They were getting ready for the meet when a knock came to their door.
"I'll get it!" Fran exclaimed. Peering through the peep hole, she remarked, "It's two guys."
"What do they look like?" Sara asked, combing her damp hair back into a ponytail. The spray gel she used to keep it in place smelled like honeysuckle.
Fran squinted, because the peep hole made it difficult to truly get a good look at them. "They're dressed--oh Cass, they're dressed military," she said, her voice uncertain. It was as though she already knew the news they were about to hear.
Cassie ran to the door, her hair also damp and hanging loose around her jersey-clad shoulders. She was barefoot, and the carpet felt itchy beneath her feet. Her heart was in her throat.
"Maybe your mom's friends came to watch," Danielle, to whom she was closest, suggested helpfully. She had stopped putting on her wrist watch though, setting it down on the bureau and standing expectantly behind Cassie.
Peering through the hole, Cassie saw Teal'c standing patiently outside, an airman she didn't recognize beside him. "Oh no," she whispered, wrenching the door open.
"Cassandra Fraser," Teal'c said, his stoic monotone belying something tragic.
"No," Cassie murmured, tears filling her eyes. "NononononononoNO!" She shook her head violently in disbelief.
"I am deeply sorry, Cassandra," Teal'c said, his voice gentle with sincerity and regret.
"N-no," Cassie said again, whimpering. She barely registered Danielle hugging her from behind, or Sara slipping out the door to fetch the coach. "Where is she T--Murray?" Cassie cried. "Why isn't she here? Where's Jack? Why isn't Sam here? Where's Daniel?"
"O'Neill was gravely injured and was in surgery when I departed from the base. MajorCarter and DanielJackson remained on base to deal with the...matters at hand." She had never seen Teal'c falter with his words before. Dimly, she wondered why he didn't just say "memorial service" or "funeral." His piercing eyes softened. "We must return, Cassandra."
A sob escaped her throat and before she knew it, she was enveloped in the Jaffa's strong arms, her face buried against his chest. "Where's my mom, Teal'c?" She sobbed. "I want to see my mom!"
After that, everything was a blur. Danielle packed her things. She slept all the way back to the SGC. Sam and George greeted her and Teal'c. There were hugs. Daniel held her while she cried. Jack saw her upon his release from the Infirmary. The memorial service. Talk of moving in with Sam. Tears. Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness.
She'd barely had time to recover from that when a weeping Sam had come home a few months later and told her that Jack was dead. Not dead, necessarily. Frozen. In stasis. But, for all intents and purposes, he was gone as well. Everyone she loved was leaving her, just as they always had.
By the time she reached the bluffs, her lungs felt as though they were going to explode, and her muscles screamed in agony. She bent over, finally stopping, bracing her hands against her knees. She panted, her blood pounding in her ears. Her lungs burned from lack of oxygen, and her eyes burned from the tears she would not allow herself to shed.
"Cassie." Jack's voice was soft and gentle as he climbed up the bluffs behind her.
The hair on the back of Cassie's neck stood on end, and her body went rigid at the sound of his voice. Smoothing back her sweat drenched hair, Cassie stood up straight, taking slow, controlled breaths when dizziness overtook her. Inwardly, she cursed herself for standing up so quickly. She began stretching her tired muscles.
"What do you want, Jack?" She asked, her voice cold with anger and the effort it took to keep from crying.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets, frowning at the absurdity of his statement. Of course she wasn't okay.
"Of course I'm ok," she replied flippantly. "Why wouldn't I be ok? I walked in on you and Sam naked, and you're back from the dead. What could possibly be wrong?" Part of her knew that at any other time, she would have been thrilled for Sam and Jack. She'd wanted to see them happy together for so long. But now....now everything was different.
"Well, it couldda been worse," Jack offered helpfully, however misguided. "You couldda walked in on us when--" He frowned. "Oh wait, never mind, that wouldda been bad too."
Cassie laughed mirthlessly. She stopped stretching and walked to the edge of the bluffs, squinting in the harsh morning sunlight. "Go back to the cabin Jack. I'll be back in a while."
"I can't do that Cassie," Jack said, stepping up to stand behind her.
"I'm fine, Jack, really," she insisted, although her voice was unconvincing. Please go AWAY!!!! she silently begged. Why wouldn't he just leave her in peace? Or misery? Just as long as he left her alone. That's what she was destined to be after all.
"You're not fine," he stated simply.
She shrugged wordlessly and plopped down gracelessly, drawing her knees up, her feet flat on the rocks.
"Mind if I sit down?" Jack asked tentatively.
Cassie gestured for him to sit beside her but said nothing. He squinted, wishing he'd brought his sunglasses.
Sighing, Jack frowned, wishing he knew what to say to her. With Sam, he'd known. He'd been cleared by the new CMO, Dr. Brightman. Nice enough, he guessed. Had a penchant for needles, just like Fraser had. But there was only one Janet Fraser. And now she was dead, and her daughter sat beside him, a bleeding wound he was powerless to stop.
After he'd been cleared by the doctor, he'd been debriefed by General Hammond and Dr. Weir, then had a two hour conference call with the President. Ok, it had only been half an hour, but it had felt like it was two hours long. Daniel, summoned back from Greece, had tried calling Sam, but they discovered she'd left her phone on the base. She was at the cabin; of that, Daniel was certain.
Sam had taken his truck, presumably hoping to get in some quality time with Cassie during the long drive from south eastern Colorado to northern Minnesota. Jack, on the hand, had felt no need to take his sweet time. He'd jumped the first flight, rented a car at the Twin Cities airport, and drove to his cabin straight away. Upon passing a twenty four hour 7-11, he'd gotten the idea for the Jell-O. Everything else he'd been rehearsing in his head for years, so when he finally had the opportunity, it was a piece of cake. A piece of really complicated, disbelieving, shocked cake, but cake nevertheless. Somehow, he thought a six pack of gelatin was not going to fix what was bothering Cassie. Sitting beside her, he could feel her pain and grief radiating off her in waves.
"She's not coming back, is she?"
Cassie's trembling voice broke the uncomfortable silence.
Jack turned to look at her, his eyes kind and sympathetic. His heart was breaking for the young woman. "No sweetheart, she's not."
Cassie sighed. Then, surprisingly, she leapt to her feet and screamed, "Fuck you!"
Jack was on his feet in an instant, despite the protestations of his knee. He took hold of her arm. "Cassie, what--"
But she wrenched herself free. "No! Don't even try to make me feel better Jack!" Her eyes were wild, like those of a caged animals. "It's not fair, and you know it." She was pacing now, crying, hysterical. "How come everybody else gets to come back but her? Huh? Daniel gets enough radiation to level a continent and he got to come back! You gave yourself the universe's ultimate cram session and yet here you are, standing right here, alive." She seemed to spit out the last word. She was near hyperventilating now. "And don't think I'm not happy to see you, cuz I am. Hi. How are ya? Welcome back to the land of the fucking living."
"Cassie," he said gently, trying not to let her words sting, fearing she was going to get so worked up she'd slip and fall over the edge of the bluffs. "Sweetie, take it easy."
"'Take it easy!'" Cassie echoed in disbelief. "You want me to take it easy?" She gasped, dizzy from nearly hyperventilating, but she wouldn't back down. "Was she not special enough?" She raged. "Not important enough? Of all of you, was my mom the most expendable? An acceptable loss? Collateral damage? Tell me, Jack!" She snarled viciously. "Make me understand!"
"We all loved your mother, you know that," Jack replied, trying to keep his voice even. "If there had been anyway to save her, we would have done it gladly."
She laughed as though disbelieving.
"Oh for crying out loud, Cassie!" Jack scolded, his emotions getting the best of him. "You know how hard Sam took your mother's death. How hard we all took it. How can you say it was 'acceptable'?"
"Oh yeah," Cassie scoffed. "Sam took it so damned hard she mourned Mom for a whole month before she found something better to do."
"A month?" Jack murmured, confused. Then it was as though a light went off in his head. He understood the true source of her pain. "She threw herself into finding a cure for me"
Cassie nodded, choking on her sobs. "Congratulations. Give the man a prize."
"And there was no one left," Jack surmised. He knew what soul numbing grief felt like. He knew that no matter how many loved ones surrounded you, all you felt was desperately alone.
"I lose everyone," Cassie said, finally standing still. "Am I so awful, Jack? What do I do wrong that I lose everyone I love?"
She looked so small and helpless, so vulnerable, Jack was afraid she was near collapse. And she was dangerously close to the edge of the bluffs. Cautiously, Jack held out his hand. "C'mere honey," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Fat tears stained her cheeks; her eyes were swollen and puffy. She wanted so much to believe him, to go to him, to let him help take her pain away. And yet, something within her had shattered when her mother died, and when Jack had died, any last shred of it had been obliterated. She wasn't sure if the hope his "resurrection" brought could fix her.
She wasn't sure if anything could.
"I'm broken, Jack," she whimpered desperately. "I've always been broken, and anyone who comes in contact with me dies or leaves me. My people. Daniel. My mother. You. Sam." She ran her unsteady hands through her hair. "I have nothing left."
Jack shook his head vehemently, amazed at the depths of her pain. He stepped towards her. "You're not alone, Cassie. I promise. I'm here now. Sam will always be here. Daniel and Teal'c will always be here for you too." He was mere inches from her now. Gently, he reached out and grasped her trembling hand. "We love you. We all love you."
Her fragile frame crumpled, and she sank to the ground. Jack caught her and gently sat with her, gathering her in his arms as she wept, sobbing in anguish. His heart broke for the young woman he had loved for the past seven years like a daughter. Rocking her like a baby, he murmured soothing nonsense in her ear. "We're here, darlin', we'll always be here."
She shook her head, "No you won't." Her voice was muffled by her sobs and the fact she had her head buried against his neck. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
Stunned and unsure of what to say now, all Jack could do was rock her. She had a point. "Always" was a deceptively complicated word. True, even when he was ascended, Daniel had been there for them in their darkest moments, but he had not died in the way Janet had. Janet had not ascended. She'd been buried at Briarwood, the Colorado Springs cemetery. There had been discussion of burying her at Arlington, but her nearest and dearest couldn't bear the thought of her being so far from them.
"Just be there for her. She needs you, needs to know you're real, that you're not going to leave her." Sam's voice rang in his head and he bristled with frustration. He hated that Cassie was hurting so much and that there was nothing he could do to stop it. Dammit, why had Sam stayed behind? She'd be doing a much better job than he was. She'd lost her mother as well. Sam knew what Cassie was going through. What would she do if she was here?
He felt Cassie's tears soaking through his shirt and took a deep breath. "Cassie, your mom loved you more than anything. Before we went through the 'gate, I heard her telling Sam he hoped we made it back in time for her to get to your meet. You were always on her mind. Every minute."
"I miss her so much," Cassie whimpered.
"I know," he replied. "But you hafta try and remember all the good stuff--chick flicks, manicures, shopping sprees at the mall, day trips, bedtime stories when you were younger, and all the advice she gave you as you got older."
"What am I going to do without her?" Cassie's sobs had subsided now, more from a lack of energy than from her pain ebbing.
"You're going to survive," Jack promised. "Believe me, I know it feels like your world is about to end, but it's not. You're surrounded by people who love you, people who loved your mother, who want to see you do well, for her sake as well as your own." He pressed a loving kiss to the crown of her head. "As long as we've got you around to take care of, it's like your mom's still with us." He hugged her tightly. "And as long as we're around, your mom is still with you. Even when we're off world, or even when one of us--leaves--we're all always together." He tipped her chin with his forefinger, forcing her took look at him through bloodshot eyes. "We're a family. You, me, Sam, Teal'c, Daniel. Even General Hammond. He's like everybody's really stern grandpa, the kind everyone knows is really a big softy underneath."
"Like you," Cassie murmured, her voice containing the slightest trace of humor.
He frowned, "You sayin' I'm old, Cassie-girl?"
She hugged him again, burying her damp face against his shoulder. "No, Jack, you're not old." She sniffed. "I'm sorry I was so mean, Jack."
"Don't worry about it, kiddo," he replied, smoothing her hair. "Don't worry about anything."
"Can we just stay here for a while?" She asked, sounding tired.
"Sure," he said, repositioning them both so that they were more comfortable sitting on the hard rocky ground. "Anything you want, sweetheart."
Cassie sighed and closed her eyes, snuggling into his protective embrace. Her heart still ached mercilessly, empty with her mother's absence. And yet, for the first time in a long time, she started to feel like maybe she wasn't completely alone.
Worn out, she fell asleep in his arms, and he sat there with her for a long time, content to let her sleep as he watched the world move on around them.
Disclaimers/Spoilers: See previous chapters. Nothing's changed. Rated 'R' for language and...adult situations, I guess.
Cassie had always enjoyed running. It was the only time she ever felt truly free, free of burden, free of responsibility. Even as a child on Hanka, she had run about without a care in the world, her parents laughingly allowing her freedom until they felt it was time she'd had enough and reigned her in with the promise of more dashing about another day.
Hanka. Her parents. The first deep loss she'd suffered. Unfortunately, it was not the last.
Her career as a runner on Earth had begun her first gym class in high school. As she'd forced the girls to run laps, the gym coach apparently had noticed some special spark in Cassie and recommended her to the track coach. Not long after, she'd begun training with the Fall track team and had run Track and Field for her high school ever since. She'd run distance, sprints, relays--anything. Just so long as she could run. She loved pushing her body to its limits, feeling her heart pound, forcing herself to breathe in a tightly controlled manner.
Her mother had always tried to come to every track meet but generally only ever made it to about half. But when Cassie had been given a full track scholarship to the University of Colorado, Janet Fraser had been elated. She'd taken Cassie out to dinner at a French bistro in town. She'd then promised they'd go to Lake Tahoe for vacation before Cassie went away to school in August.
Cassie felt tears sting her eyes as she pushed on through the woods that surrounded the cabin. The Northern Minnesota air was crisp and clean and filled her bursting lungs. The lake lay ahead of her, beckoning brilliantly, the sunlight glinting off the still, clear waters.
The day Janet had gone off world to help rescue the stranded team, Cassie had been competing in the State Track Championship in Denver. Janet had promised to be there. She'd arranged to have the day off and everything. But of course, Cassie was forced to take a back seat to matters of galactic importance. Unaware that her mother was on a mission that would cost her her life, Cassie enjoyed her pre-competition time with the girls on her team. Her track girls were like her other family outside of the SGC. Until she'd met them, Cassie had always felt like an outsider, like a little bit of a freak. To them, she was merely their friend and comrade. She'd wondered if Teal'c felt the same way about SG-1 that she felt about her track girls.
Cassie vividly remembered the day her mother died. Or rather, the day she found out her mother was dead. She'd been staying in a motel with the team, a Days Inn. In-room HBO and free continental breakfast till eleven. It was strange, the things you remembered about days like that. Her roommates were Sara McCone, Danielle DiPietro, and Fran Thomas. They were getting ready for the meet when a knock came to their door.
"I'll get it!" Fran exclaimed. Peering through the peep hole, she remarked, "It's two guys."
"What do they look like?" Sara asked, combing her damp hair back into a ponytail. The spray gel she used to keep it in place smelled like honeysuckle.
Fran squinted, because the peep hole made it difficult to truly get a good look at them. "They're dressed--oh Cass, they're dressed military," she said, her voice uncertain. It was as though she already knew the news they were about to hear.
Cassie ran to the door, her hair also damp and hanging loose around her jersey-clad shoulders. She was barefoot, and the carpet felt itchy beneath her feet. Her heart was in her throat.
"Maybe your mom's friends came to watch," Danielle, to whom she was closest, suggested helpfully. She had stopped putting on her wrist watch though, setting it down on the bureau and standing expectantly behind Cassie.
Peering through the hole, Cassie saw Teal'c standing patiently outside, an airman she didn't recognize beside him. "Oh no," she whispered, wrenching the door open.
"Cassandra Fraser," Teal'c said, his stoic monotone belying something tragic.
"No," Cassie murmured, tears filling her eyes. "NononononononoNO!" She shook her head violently in disbelief.
"I am deeply sorry, Cassandra," Teal'c said, his voice gentle with sincerity and regret.
"N-no," Cassie said again, whimpering. She barely registered Danielle hugging her from behind, or Sara slipping out the door to fetch the coach. "Where is she T--Murray?" Cassie cried. "Why isn't she here? Where's Jack? Why isn't Sam here? Where's Daniel?"
"O'Neill was gravely injured and was in surgery when I departed from the base. MajorCarter and DanielJackson remained on base to deal with the...matters at hand." She had never seen Teal'c falter with his words before. Dimly, she wondered why he didn't just say "memorial service" or "funeral." His piercing eyes softened. "We must return, Cassandra."
A sob escaped her throat and before she knew it, she was enveloped in the Jaffa's strong arms, her face buried against his chest. "Where's my mom, Teal'c?" She sobbed. "I want to see my mom!"
After that, everything was a blur. Danielle packed her things. She slept all the way back to the SGC. Sam and George greeted her and Teal'c. There were hugs. Daniel held her while she cried. Jack saw her upon his release from the Infirmary. The memorial service. Talk of moving in with Sam. Tears. Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness.
She'd barely had time to recover from that when a weeping Sam had come home a few months later and told her that Jack was dead. Not dead, necessarily. Frozen. In stasis. But, for all intents and purposes, he was gone as well. Everyone she loved was leaving her, just as they always had.
By the time she reached the bluffs, her lungs felt as though they were going to explode, and her muscles screamed in agony. She bent over, finally stopping, bracing her hands against her knees. She panted, her blood pounding in her ears. Her lungs burned from lack of oxygen, and her eyes burned from the tears she would not allow herself to shed.
"Cassie." Jack's voice was soft and gentle as he climbed up the bluffs behind her.
The hair on the back of Cassie's neck stood on end, and her body went rigid at the sound of his voice. Smoothing back her sweat drenched hair, Cassie stood up straight, taking slow, controlled breaths when dizziness overtook her. Inwardly, she cursed herself for standing up so quickly. She began stretching her tired muscles.
"What do you want, Jack?" She asked, her voice cold with anger and the effort it took to keep from crying.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets, frowning at the absurdity of his statement. Of course she wasn't okay.
"Of course I'm ok," she replied flippantly. "Why wouldn't I be ok? I walked in on you and Sam naked, and you're back from the dead. What could possibly be wrong?" Part of her knew that at any other time, she would have been thrilled for Sam and Jack. She'd wanted to see them happy together for so long. But now....now everything was different.
"Well, it couldda been worse," Jack offered helpfully, however misguided. "You couldda walked in on us when--" He frowned. "Oh wait, never mind, that wouldda been bad too."
Cassie laughed mirthlessly. She stopped stretching and walked to the edge of the bluffs, squinting in the harsh morning sunlight. "Go back to the cabin Jack. I'll be back in a while."
"I can't do that Cassie," Jack said, stepping up to stand behind her.
"I'm fine, Jack, really," she insisted, although her voice was unconvincing. Please go AWAY!!!! she silently begged. Why wouldn't he just leave her in peace? Or misery? Just as long as he left her alone. That's what she was destined to be after all.
"You're not fine," he stated simply.
She shrugged wordlessly and plopped down gracelessly, drawing her knees up, her feet flat on the rocks.
"Mind if I sit down?" Jack asked tentatively.
Cassie gestured for him to sit beside her but said nothing. He squinted, wishing he'd brought his sunglasses.
Sighing, Jack frowned, wishing he knew what to say to her. With Sam, he'd known. He'd been cleared by the new CMO, Dr. Brightman. Nice enough, he guessed. Had a penchant for needles, just like Fraser had. But there was only one Janet Fraser. And now she was dead, and her daughter sat beside him, a bleeding wound he was powerless to stop.
After he'd been cleared by the doctor, he'd been debriefed by General Hammond and Dr. Weir, then had a two hour conference call with the President. Ok, it had only been half an hour, but it had felt like it was two hours long. Daniel, summoned back from Greece, had tried calling Sam, but they discovered she'd left her phone on the base. She was at the cabin; of that, Daniel was certain.
Sam had taken his truck, presumably hoping to get in some quality time with Cassie during the long drive from south eastern Colorado to northern Minnesota. Jack, on the hand, had felt no need to take his sweet time. He'd jumped the first flight, rented a car at the Twin Cities airport, and drove to his cabin straight away. Upon passing a twenty four hour 7-11, he'd gotten the idea for the Jell-O. Everything else he'd been rehearsing in his head for years, so when he finally had the opportunity, it was a piece of cake. A piece of really complicated, disbelieving, shocked cake, but cake nevertheless. Somehow, he thought a six pack of gelatin was not going to fix what was bothering Cassie. Sitting beside her, he could feel her pain and grief radiating off her in waves.
"She's not coming back, is she?"
Cassie's trembling voice broke the uncomfortable silence.
Jack turned to look at her, his eyes kind and sympathetic. His heart was breaking for the young woman. "No sweetheart, she's not."
Cassie sighed. Then, surprisingly, she leapt to her feet and screamed, "Fuck you!"
Jack was on his feet in an instant, despite the protestations of his knee. He took hold of her arm. "Cassie, what--"
But she wrenched herself free. "No! Don't even try to make me feel better Jack!" Her eyes were wild, like those of a caged animals. "It's not fair, and you know it." She was pacing now, crying, hysterical. "How come everybody else gets to come back but her? Huh? Daniel gets enough radiation to level a continent and he got to come back! You gave yourself the universe's ultimate cram session and yet here you are, standing right here, alive." She seemed to spit out the last word. She was near hyperventilating now. "And don't think I'm not happy to see you, cuz I am. Hi. How are ya? Welcome back to the land of the fucking living."
"Cassie," he said gently, trying not to let her words sting, fearing she was going to get so worked up she'd slip and fall over the edge of the bluffs. "Sweetie, take it easy."
"'Take it easy!'" Cassie echoed in disbelief. "You want me to take it easy?" She gasped, dizzy from nearly hyperventilating, but she wouldn't back down. "Was she not special enough?" She raged. "Not important enough? Of all of you, was my mom the most expendable? An acceptable loss? Collateral damage? Tell me, Jack!" She snarled viciously. "Make me understand!"
"We all loved your mother, you know that," Jack replied, trying to keep his voice even. "If there had been anyway to save her, we would have done it gladly."
She laughed as though disbelieving.
"Oh for crying out loud, Cassie!" Jack scolded, his emotions getting the best of him. "You know how hard Sam took your mother's death. How hard we all took it. How can you say it was 'acceptable'?"
"Oh yeah," Cassie scoffed. "Sam took it so damned hard she mourned Mom for a whole month before she found something better to do."
"A month?" Jack murmured, confused. Then it was as though a light went off in his head. He understood the true source of her pain. "She threw herself into finding a cure for me"
Cassie nodded, choking on her sobs. "Congratulations. Give the man a prize."
"And there was no one left," Jack surmised. He knew what soul numbing grief felt like. He knew that no matter how many loved ones surrounded you, all you felt was desperately alone.
"I lose everyone," Cassie said, finally standing still. "Am I so awful, Jack? What do I do wrong that I lose everyone I love?"
She looked so small and helpless, so vulnerable, Jack was afraid she was near collapse. And she was dangerously close to the edge of the bluffs. Cautiously, Jack held out his hand. "C'mere honey," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Fat tears stained her cheeks; her eyes were swollen and puffy. She wanted so much to believe him, to go to him, to let him help take her pain away. And yet, something within her had shattered when her mother died, and when Jack had died, any last shred of it had been obliterated. She wasn't sure if the hope his "resurrection" brought could fix her.
She wasn't sure if anything could.
"I'm broken, Jack," she whimpered desperately. "I've always been broken, and anyone who comes in contact with me dies or leaves me. My people. Daniel. My mother. You. Sam." She ran her unsteady hands through her hair. "I have nothing left."
Jack shook his head vehemently, amazed at the depths of her pain. He stepped towards her. "You're not alone, Cassie. I promise. I'm here now. Sam will always be here. Daniel and Teal'c will always be here for you too." He was mere inches from her now. Gently, he reached out and grasped her trembling hand. "We love you. We all love you."
Her fragile frame crumpled, and she sank to the ground. Jack caught her and gently sat with her, gathering her in his arms as she wept, sobbing in anguish. His heart broke for the young woman he had loved for the past seven years like a daughter. Rocking her like a baby, he murmured soothing nonsense in her ear. "We're here, darlin', we'll always be here."
She shook her head, "No you won't." Her voice was muffled by her sobs and the fact she had her head buried against his neck. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
Stunned and unsure of what to say now, all Jack could do was rock her. She had a point. "Always" was a deceptively complicated word. True, even when he was ascended, Daniel had been there for them in their darkest moments, but he had not died in the way Janet had. Janet had not ascended. She'd been buried at Briarwood, the Colorado Springs cemetery. There had been discussion of burying her at Arlington, but her nearest and dearest couldn't bear the thought of her being so far from them.
"Just be there for her. She needs you, needs to know you're real, that you're not going to leave her." Sam's voice rang in his head and he bristled with frustration. He hated that Cassie was hurting so much and that there was nothing he could do to stop it. Dammit, why had Sam stayed behind? She'd be doing a much better job than he was. She'd lost her mother as well. Sam knew what Cassie was going through. What would she do if she was here?
He felt Cassie's tears soaking through his shirt and took a deep breath. "Cassie, your mom loved you more than anything. Before we went through the 'gate, I heard her telling Sam he hoped we made it back in time for her to get to your meet. You were always on her mind. Every minute."
"I miss her so much," Cassie whimpered.
"I know," he replied. "But you hafta try and remember all the good stuff--chick flicks, manicures, shopping sprees at the mall, day trips, bedtime stories when you were younger, and all the advice she gave you as you got older."
"What am I going to do without her?" Cassie's sobs had subsided now, more from a lack of energy than from her pain ebbing.
"You're going to survive," Jack promised. "Believe me, I know it feels like your world is about to end, but it's not. You're surrounded by people who love you, people who loved your mother, who want to see you do well, for her sake as well as your own." He pressed a loving kiss to the crown of her head. "As long as we've got you around to take care of, it's like your mom's still with us." He hugged her tightly. "And as long as we're around, your mom is still with you. Even when we're off world, or even when one of us--leaves--we're all always together." He tipped her chin with his forefinger, forcing her took look at him through bloodshot eyes. "We're a family. You, me, Sam, Teal'c, Daniel. Even General Hammond. He's like everybody's really stern grandpa, the kind everyone knows is really a big softy underneath."
"Like you," Cassie murmured, her voice containing the slightest trace of humor.
He frowned, "You sayin' I'm old, Cassie-girl?"
She hugged him again, burying her damp face against his shoulder. "No, Jack, you're not old." She sniffed. "I'm sorry I was so mean, Jack."
"Don't worry about it, kiddo," he replied, smoothing her hair. "Don't worry about anything."
"Can we just stay here for a while?" She asked, sounding tired.
"Sure," he said, repositioning them both so that they were more comfortable sitting on the hard rocky ground. "Anything you want, sweetheart."
Cassie sighed and closed her eyes, snuggling into his protective embrace. Her heart still ached mercilessly, empty with her mother's absence. And yet, for the first time in a long time, she started to feel like maybe she wasn't completely alone.
Worn out, she fell asleep in his arms, and he sat there with her for a long time, content to let her sleep as he watched the world move on around them.