Sunday FANFIC Writing Challenge #1 (R Junkie's Challenge)
Grownups
By Adria
Hiro hit the stop' button on the remote in irritation. /Where is she?/ He sighed gustily. Kisa was supposed to join him, she'd promised, but something must have come up. Either that, or she's with that stupid Tohru again. He ground his teeth at the thought of the older girl. Still, she'd helped Kisa and Kisa loved her. He snorted. He would never know what she saw in that idiot girl. She could be perceptive but for the most part she just let everyone boss her around like she was some servant or something. How could he respect that? He couldn't. He couldn't understand why anyone would just do what everyone told them to do and not stand up for themselves. The girl was a fool to let herself be taken advantage of like that. And Kisa wanted to be like her!
He got up and turned off the television. Obviously, she'd had better things to do. He steadfastly ignored the pang of jealousy/hurt that clenched in his chest. A grownup wouldn't give in to stupid reactions like that. There must be a more reasonable explanation and if he got jealous he'd do something that might hurt Kisa and then he'd regret it. He regretted enough already. He walked out of the room, neglecting to turn off the DVD player. He could hear his mom downstairs, singing to his baby sister. Okay, she was cute—except when she cried. Then she sounded like an angry cat. Hiro sniggered quietly. Yes, she sounded almost exactly like Kyou when he was screaming at Yuki.
"Is everything all right, Hiro?" his mother broke off her singing when she saw him descending the stairs.
"It's fine, Mom. I'm just going to go outside and look for Kisa." She nodded.
"You two are growing up so fast! Are you going to go to the same high school she does?" He nodded. Yes, the same high school. Kisa had followed the other school-age jyuunishi's example and transferred to Kawaia high. He missed walking to school with her and talking about everything. Now she walked with Momiji and Haru, leaving him behind to walk alone. As the three became closer, Hiro felt himself being pushed further and further into the background. He couldn't wait until next year when he'd have her all to himself again.
His sister cooed delightedly, waving her chubby fists. His mother returned her attention to the baby and Hiro couldn't stop a rare smile from gracing his face. He'd gotten lucky with her. She liked sheep. It hadn't fazed her at all that he was possessed by the sheep spirit of the zodiac. And he'd gotten to have her all to himself for so long that he didn't mind sharing her attention with his sister. He was growing up, after all.
"I don't know when I'll be back. I'll try to be home before dinner." She beamed at the smile on his face. He knew he didn't smile very often any more; it frustrated and irritated him. There just wasn't much to smile about, was there? Still, he should smile more simply because it made everyone around him less...nervous. Yeah, that was the word. Nervous. The other boys joked around at school about his intensity and how he was too mature'. /How can someone be too mature? Is there such a thing?/ He just didn't feel like smiling. And if he didn't feel like it, why should he? Why should he go out on a limb just to make everyone else feel more comfortable around him? /I am what I am./ Wasn't there an American cartoon character that sang that? Stupid American cartoons. They were so clumsy.
"Hiro? Are you sure everything's all right?" He jerked out of his wandering thoughts, aware he'd let his smile fade along with his momentary good humor. He wanted to smile at her again but he couldn't find strength. So he shrugged.
"Sure, Mom. Everything's peachy." Pessimism laced his words and his mother sighed. He didn't talk much about what was going on in his life any more, not since the baby had been born. It was as though since she'd come he felt he needed to be a big, strong brother to her and had started bottling up everything that bothered him. Of course, since he'd mentioned Kisa she was reasonably certain what the cause of his current mood was. They must have had plans. She smiled in understanding, freeing a hand from its hold on the baby to wave at him.
"Take care of yourself, Hiro. Do try to be home before dinner. And if you find Kisa, tell her I said hello. I've missed seeing her these past few weeks." He nodded and left. He practically ran to Kisa's house.
"Oh, hello Hiro." Kisa's mother greeted him when she answered the door.
"Hello, Aunty. Is Kisa at home?" He tried to keep the eagerness out of his voice. Grownups didn't act eager. He wished he didn't feel like a child so much of the time!
"I'm afraid not. She's at Hatori's studying with Momiji." She smiled at him. "I'm sure they'd love for you to join them." Hiro thanked her and left. He wandered around the compound for a while, debating. As much as he wanted to spend time with Kisa, he didn't want to do it with that rabbit around. Tohru was one thing, but Momiji...he seemed to look right through him. Those big brown eyes saw him for what he was: a child who wanted to be an adult. Momiji always laughed and teased him like he was a grade-schooler. It was irritating to be so obvious. He much preferred Kisa when she wasn't around that stupid rabbit. He could be himself and not have to worry about whether or not he was acting childish.
Angrily, he kicked at the grass under his feet. Then he stopped himself. That was a childish thing to do. Why couldn't he act more grown up? He sat under a tree and gazed at the clouds drifting over his head. All he wanted was for it to be like it was before Kisa had transferred to high school. He wanted to watch animes with her and walk with her to and from school. He wanted to eat dinner with her at his house and walk through the woods during Golden Week, just the two of them. He wanted it to be...like it wasn't now.
He wanted to be the most important person in her life. He didn't like being in the background. He felt abandoned. It hurt. He hated that it hurt. Sighing, he closed his eyes. She was there, right behind his eyelids. He loved her smile. It would light up her face and settle in her eyes. She had a special smile just for him. He hadn't seen it in so long... this time he allowed the hurt to wash over him in waves. He missed her. He missed her smile and her laugh. He missed her chiding him when he said something too rudely or too bluntly. He missed her gentle voice and the way she would fist her hands around the straps of her backpack when she was nervous. He just missed her, period.
He hated that, too. He didn't know how to tell her about the jumble
of emotions inside him without hurting her. He didn't want to burden her with his childishness. /There's that word again! God, I hate that word!/ If she didn't want to be around him, she didn't have to be. She had her own life. He didn't want her to be like that idiot Tohru and bend over backwards for him. He just wanted to matter to her, that's all.
Sighing, he stood up and made his way to Hatori's house. If he had to put up with Momiji, then so be it. Kisa was too important to him to let something small like the rabbit get in his way. Hatori answered the door at his knock.
"She is. Come in." Hatori replied, his face its usual inscrutable mask. Hiro nodded his thanks and entered, removing his shoes. "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO BURDEN HATORI-SAN WITH MY PITIFUL INJURY! I DON'T DESERVE HIS CARE! I'M SORRY!" Hiro groaned and Hatori wearily placed a hand over his eyes. Ritsu's yelling rang through the house.
"What'd he do this time? Get a paper cut?" Hiro couldn't resist.
"No, he was trying to put some roses in a vase and got a palm full of thorns," a laughing voice explained behind him. Momiji and Kisa had come down to see who was at the door. "Hi, Hiro! What brings you here?" Kisa's eyes widened when she saw him and she flushed guiltily. /So she does remember!/
"I'm sorry, Hiro. Momiji was helping me study and I completely forgot that I had promised to spend the afternoon with you." She looked down at her stocking-covered feet, hands clasped in front of her penitently. He suppressed the jealousy that flared up at Momiji's knowing smirk and instead focused on Kisa. His Kisa. He felt guilty for having come here with any preconceived notions. Of course, school was important. She should study as hard as she could and if she needed Momiji's help, well, Momiji was older than he was and probably knew her curriculum better than he did. Still, it would have been nice if she'd asked him for help instead. It wasn't like he was stupid.
"It's okay, Kisa. It was boring, anyway. I don't know why I even bought the stupid anime. Don't feel bad, okay?" She brightened immediately. Hatori and Momiji shared a glance before Ritsu's caterwauling again reached fever pitch.
"I'M SORRY! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" Kisa giggled, Momiji stuck out his tongue playfully and Hatori went back to his office to attend the frenetic monkey.
"Ritsu, you'll be fine. Calm down, please." The rest of Hatori's speech was muffled as he closed the door, leaving Hiro to his own devices with Momiji and Kisa.
"Did you come here looking for Kisa?" Momiji asked in an innocent voice, but his eyes were far from innocent. They were filled with mirth. Hiro glared at him. "Yes." Kisa smiled at him, the special smile she had just for him. He felt his heart beat faster.
"Hiro is so kind to look for me! I'm sorry I worried you. I didn't mean to forget, truly. It's just that I have two big exams coming up and since Momiji had the same teacher when he was a first-year I wanted his help with studying," she hastened to explain. He shook his head irritably.
"It's okay, Kisa. I'm over it. It's not like our plans were set in
stone or anything." /But it would have been nice if you'd remembered and at least called./ He ignored the rebellious thought. Hatori re-emerged from his office with a now-calm Ritsu in tow.
"Is everything all right, Ritsu?" Kisa asked.
"Oh, yes, everything's fine now. Thank you so much for asking," he
replied shyly. Hiro noticed he was wearing men's clothes. /At least he's not wearing that stupid kimono. Why does he wear that?/
"You probably shouldn't walk home by yourself, Ritsu. Momiji, would
you mind walking Ritsu home?" Hiro interrupted before Momiji could
answer.
"No, he's helping Kisa study. I'll go." /It's not like I'll be much good to Kisa if I stayed, anyway. Besides, her exams are important to her./ He felt like some sort of deliberate martyr or something. Why did he set himself up like this? He glared at Ritsu in misdirected rage before turning to the tiger, his expression softening.
"Are you sure, Hiro?" She actually sounded disappointed. He savored the small joy. Maybe he was still important to her. Maybe he wasn't completely in the background. "Yeah. Your exam's important to you. I want you to do well on it. We can do something tomorrow. I'll call you later, okay?" She nodded, still uncertain. Momiji stared at him with a curiously serious expression on his mobile face. Hatori, of course, didn't say anything. He turned to the quivering Ritsu.
"Let's go. It's nearly dark and I promised my mother I'd try to be home before dinner." He put on his shoes, not glancing behind him to see if Ritsu followed.
"Come on, Kisa. We'd better get back upstairs. Hatori has some more patients to see in a little while." Hiro's hands fisted at his sides at Momiji's words and Kisa's agreement. He threw the door open and stalked outside. /Stupid, stupid, stupid!/ Ritsu followed a few steps behind as they left. They walked in silence for a few minutes, leaving the Honke and heading towards Ritsu's apartment. Hiro could never figure out why Akito had let him live out in town, but he figured it had something to do with the monkey's uncontrollable spaz attacks. That had to be irritating.
"That was very noble of you, Hiro." Ritsu's tremulous voice broke the momentary peace.
"What?" he asked bluntly.
"I'm sorry, did I offend you? I'm sorry! I—"
"You didn't offend me. What was very noble of me?" Hiro cut him off. He didn't want to have to deal with one of Ritsu's tantrums.
"Walking me home instead of staying with Kisa. I'm sorry to be such a burden." Hiro slowed, allowing him to come up alongside.
"It's nothing. I needed some fresh air, anyway. And Kisa was studying. I'd only get in the way." Why was he explaining himself? "Besides, it's not like I'm a prince or anything."
"A prince?" Did Ritsu always speak in that hesitant voice? He was almost as bad as Tohru!
"It's nothing. Just something Tohru said to me."
"Oh." They walked for a few more minutes before Ritsu piped up again, "Do you like Kisa?"
"I thought that was obvious."
"I'm sorry, I never say the right thing do I? You shouldn't have to listen to someone like me." /You've got that right./ Still, it was kind of refreshing to talk to someone who wasn't always teasing or trying to understand him.
"Why do you apologize so much?" He asked bluntly.
Ritsu paused a step before he continued. "I don't know. I know it's embarrassing for everyone. I can't seem to stop myself."
"Hmph."
"I guess that I do it because, if I apologize, maybe everything will
be better. Maybe everyone will forgive me for being an embarrassment."
"Maybe you should just stop being an embarrassment." The words were out before Hiro had a chance to stop them. Ritsu paled, eyes wide. Hiro poked him in the side like he'd seen Shigure do a couple of times, hoping to stave off the explosion. It worked. Ritsu took several deep breaths and his color returned.
"I want to. I'm trying. I want to be a more confident person. I want to be someone who doesn't have to apologize for anything, like Ayame. He's helping me, you know. I'll never be as confident as he is, but if I can be a little like him, I think I won't be an embarrassment anymore." Hiro stared up at the monkey. He'd never heard him say so much at one time without freaking out.
"Why do you need Ayame's help? Can't you do things on your own?" Ritsu jerked at his tone. Hiro knew he sounded like a snotty little kid. It was so easy to fall back into familiar roles...like Ritsu with his frantic apologies. But he refused to apologize. He was a snotty little kid still.
"I guess not. It's easier to have someone helping me. I can go to Ayame for advice or support. I'm not like you, Hiro. I don't do very well on my own. I'm not smart enough."
Hiro snorted. "That's stupid. There's got to be something you're smart at. Only retards are really stupid. You're not a retard, just a spaz." He glanced up at the monkey to make sure he wouldn't frenzy. Ritsu had a small, sad smile on his face.
"I am, aren't I? I'm not really much good at anything, really. I'm not smart like you and Yuki, I'm no good at martial arts like Kyou and Haru; I'm purely average in everything. There's nothing about me that's special."
"Sure there is." /Why am I trying to cheer him up?/ "You're the monkey, aren't you? There's only one of you in the whole world." Hiro couldn't believe what he'd just said. Ritsu had looked so pathetic. He couldn't stop himself.
"Thank you, Hiro. That means so much to me."
"Whatever." They walked in silence for a few minutes before Hiro gave in to the urge to open up a little more. "Besides, I don't exactly do very well on my own, either."
"You don't?" Ritsu asked in a wondering voice.
"No, I don't." Hiro snapped. "I hate it! I want to be someone who can be okay on my own, you know? But I'm not. I'm still a kid. I hate that!" Hiro kept his voice low, but it was hard. It was like once he opened the gate even a little bit, all the resentment he'd been feeling wanted to push out in one great flood. He wished he could control his emotions so they wouldn't do that.
"Is it so bad? Not being able to be okay on your own?" Ritsu asked, his voice a little less tremulous than before. "I don't know! I ask myself that every day. But if it's not so bad, why does it hurt? Why am I hurting like this? I hate it!" He balled his hands into fists. He wanted to beat at something so he could get all this out of him. He just wanted it to be the way that it used to be...
"I don't know why it hurts. I guess Tohru would say it hurts because that means you care. And if you care, then it can't be that bad, can it?" Ritsu had stopped walking and was looking up at the sky, which was just starting to color. They were almost at his apartment. "If you didn't care, then you wouldn't feel anything. I think that would be very sad, don't you?"
Hiro stared at him. Of course he cared! How could he not care? Kisa was his best friend, his...he loved her. That's why it hurt so much. He loved her. He wanted her to love him back. He wanted to be the most important person to her—because she was the most important person to him. The realization washed over him in waves and he stared at Ritsu so intently that the monkey began to panic.
"I'm sorry! Hiro-chan was so kind to listen to me and I preached to him like he was a child! I'm sorry to make you listen to my pathetic opinions! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY—" Hiro poked him in the side again and this time Ritsu fell to the ground in a swoon. Hiro groaned. Ritsu came out of it thirty seconds later and they finished walking to his apartment. Hiro called his mom from there, reassuring her he'd be home for dinner.
He slowly walked back to the Honke, lost in thought. /Maybe it's not so bad/, he thought. /After all, I haven't told her. She doesn't know. I can't expect her to know everything./ In that moment, he felt very grown up.