::Note from Lams: A big thanks to godwallop for letting me know it should be 'beastiality' instead of 'beastiology.' And a big punch in the face to my friend Aaron, who told me it was 'beastiology' in the first place. He's an idiot, but I guess I'm dumber for having listened to him. Anyway, big thanks to godwallop. Read all the stories, there are two newer ones up. I just read them today and they kick ass.

"So you want to bring Hagrid back to Dumbledore?" said Draco. "You would come up with that, wouldn't you, Potter?"

"Shut up, Malfoy!" said Harry. "We can't very well go on changing Hagrid's voice all night, now can we? What other option do we have?"

"Shut up, Potter!" said Malfoy. "SNAKE!"

"MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!"

Suddenly, Harry and Draco's argument was interrupted. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if that chipmunk started humping that squirrel?" said Goyle.

"Oooh! I could take a picture of it and give it to Harry, since he likes bestiality so well," said Colin. "Maybe that would get him to like me... sigh. He's got those dreamy green eyes you could just stare into forever."

"Errr, that's great," said Goyle, who looked at Colin rather uncomfortably.

"Hey! Fred and George taught me a spell that makes animals to get on each other!" said Ron, pointing his wand towards the squirrel and the chipmunk. "Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo!"

The spell shot out of Ron's wand and went speeding towards the two rodents. But just then, Hagrid stepped out and took a big swig from his bottle of Cristal. The spell hit the bottle, which shattered into a million pieces, and the spell scattered every which way.

"Oh no! It's coming right for me!" shouted Draco.

Ron watched as his spell ricocheted off the bottle and scattered around near Draco and Harry. "Oh no! I put the spell on them!" he cried.

"Wai' a miunte," said Hagrid. "What about my bottle of Cristal? Do you know how much that costs?"

"Hey! Hagrid's got his voice back!" said Colin.

"Yeah yeah, I got it back!" said Hagrid, rather angrily. "I guess when you broke my bottle of Cristal, I regained my senses for some strange reason. So this spell? Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo? It makes things hump? I thought it would be a little nicer than that, since it was in a Disney movie and all."

"Are you kidding?" said Ron. "It's just the type of spell those perverts at Disney WOULD put into a children's movie. Remember the naked lady in the Rescuers? Or how Aladdin said 'Good teenagers take off your clothes?' Or the cover art for the Little Mermaid."

"Okay, okay, you're right!" said Hagrid, exasperatedly. "But aren't we forgetting about something very important? The spell hit Draco and Harry!"

Everyone turned around and looked at Draco and Harry, who were playfully slapping each other's butts.

"Damn! I thought they were supposed to hump!" said Colin.

"Well, the spell was intended for much smaller creatures," explained Ron. "Besides, it got weakened when it shattered," Ron's voice trailed off. "Wait a second! How come Draco's always Harry's slash love interest? We're best friends, shouldn't it be me?"

Goyle put his arms around Ron. "There there," he said. "Goyle and I know exactly how you feel. The slash is ALWAYS centered around Draco and Harry. It really isn't fair."

"Yuck!" said Ron, pushing Goyle's arm off of him. "Don't touch me, you pervert!"

Back at the camp, Lavender, Parvati, Luna, and Pansy were working their voodoo magic on Dumbledore.

"Oooh! Let's make him do the hokey-pokey!" squealed Parvati.

"Nooo! Let's make him sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" squealed Lavender.

"How about we make him do an interprative dance based on the Tampon-Plated Horneky?" said Luna.

"You guys all suck!" said Pansy. "Let's make him walk out to the lake and strip in front of George, Fred, and Goyle."

"Yuck!" exclaimed Parvati. "I don't want to see Dumbledore naked. He's like a million, imagine how wrinkly he is."

"We don't have to," said Pansy. "We'll hide behind the bushes and just listen for the screams when he does his striptease."

So the girls trudged down to the lake, carrying a Muggle radio.

"Hey, isn't that Dumbledore?" said Fred.

"Looks like it to me," said George. "The water's really good for skinny dipping. Now can you tell us why you wanted us to check it?" he asked.

Dumbledore pulled off his robes. "THIS is why I wanted you to check it."

"Aaah! He's naked!" screamed Crabbe. "My eyes are burning! Ahhh!"

Fred keeled over into George's arms. "Fred? Fred? Speak to me!" said George, slapping at his brother's cheeks.

The girls could barely contain their laughter. "Hit the radio, Parvati," said Pansy, who was moving the Dumbledore voodoo doll. Pansy hit the radio and I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred started playing.

"I'm too sexy for my hat, Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that."

Dumbledore started singing along with the music and doing random pelvic thrusts.

"Make it stop!" shouted Crabbe. "For the love of God, someone PLEASE make it stop!"

At that moment, McGonagall stepped out by the beach. She must have gotten over her drunkeness. "ALBUS!" she screamed, averting her eyes towards the bushed. She saw the girls sitting, giggling by the radio. "GIRLS!" she said.

Pansy dropped the doll and Dumbledore fell to the ground, knocking his head on the ground.

"Ow! That smarts!" he said. "Where are my clothes?" he said, looking up. "Minerva! You didn't take advantage of me while drunk again, did you?"

Professor McGonagall blushed. Just then the song ended, and a voice came over the radio.

"Two fugitives are on the loose near Lake Tampon-Plated Horneky. They brutally attacked an attendant at a nearby Grocery Store and escaped. The suspects are considered armed and dangerous. Anyone in the area is advised to be on the lookout."

"Oh noooo!!" squealed Lavender. "That's the lake WE'RE at! They could come and kill us! Oooh!"

"Miss Brown, do not fret. This is a big lake, why would the criminals want to come here?" said Dumbledore.

Lavender looked rather upset, "Why, for the same reason we did, of course!"

"Elgible men?" said McGonagall.

"That's the grossest thing I've ever heard!" said Fred, who had regained his senses. "But maybe we'd all better get back to the camp just in case the criminals come by. It'll probably be safer than being naked in the middle of a lake."

"Oh fine! We'll go back!" said McGonagall. "I am... so scared. I might just need someone to, protect me," she said, glancing hopefully at the twins.

"This is so gross!" said George.