Back in the ditch, the two fugitives took off towards the woods.
"Is he after us?" asked Hermione as she ran. She was referring to the cop who had been in the ditch.
"Just keep running!" said Professor Snape.
They ran deeper and deeper into the woods, until they were certain nobody was following them. Hermione and Professor fell onto the soft ground, panting and sweaty.
"Could things get any worse?" breathed Snape.
"At least we're together," said Hermione.
Professor Snape turned to her, "Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
Hermione's eyes widened. She looked both furious and hurt. "You're the type of man who will end up dying in your own arms!" she said.
"Was that supposed to be an insult, Miss Granger?" he sneered. "I don't exactly see men lining up the block for you."
"Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure," said Hermione, her nostrils flaring. "Look at you! You're middle aged and you probably haven't ever gotten any! At least I'm young. I have an excuse."
Snape remained very cool and composed. He glanced condescendingly at Hermione, who looked like she might boil over with anger. "Slit your wrists-- it will lower your blood pressure."
"The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor!" she said.
"You're like one of those 'idiot savants,' except without the 'savant' part," sneered Professor Snape.
"Who are you calling stupid?" demanded Hermione.
"I don't know, what's your name?" Snape said cooly.
They stood there silently glaring at one another. "Are you as turned on as I am?" asked Snape.
"More!" said Hermione.
The two little lovebirds were making out, when suddenly, they heard a noise behind them.
"Severus! It's the police!" said Hermione as she clutched his arm.
Professor Snape slowly pulled out his wand and held it out, looking around.
"Hey, don't point that stick at us!" called a voice.
Two figures walked out from behind a tree. "My name is Ralph," said a tall, dark haired man. "And this is my daughter Tina," he said, motioning to his teenaged daughter. "We were just out for a midnight constitutional. Were you and your daughter out to do the same?"
"He's not my..." started Hermione, but Professor Snape cut her off.
"Yes, yes we were," said Snape, who gave Hermione a good natured pat on the head.
"Daddy!! Daddy!!" said Tina, tugging at her father's arm.
"Not now!" hissed Ralph. "So what brings you to this neck of the woods. Haha! Get it? We're in the woods!"
Professor Snape looked quite unamused, but managed to refrain from any sarcastic remarks. "We were actually camping."
"DAD!!" shouted the girl.
"NOT NOW!" said Ralph, slapping his daughter. He turned to Hermione and Snape, "Sorry about that. Tina's quite the rude child. Don't worry, I'll beat her good when we get home."
"But DAD!!! This man was kissing his daughter with his mouth open!" squealed Tina.
Ralph pulled a club out of his jacket and started tapping it against his hand menacingly. "That's sick!" he said. "You shouldn't kiss your daughter like that. I will smash your head open like a melon! And yours too, Tina. I'm just a violent bastard like that."
Ralph charged at Professor Snape and swung his club right at his head.
"Nooo!!" shouted Hermione. "Stupefy!"
Sparks shot out of her wand and hit the man, who froze. Tina tried to run, but Hermione hit he with the spell too.
"I've got a plan," said Hermione. "These people are about the same age and build as us, let's swap clothes with them! That way we can walk back to the camp without the policemen stopping us!"
Snape didn't look overly enthused about putting on Ralph's tacky Hawaiian shirt, grey sweatpants, and orange hunter's hat. But he reached for Ralph's rigid body and undressed him. It was rather disgusting to see Ralph standing around in his tighty whities.
"You got him undressed?" said Hermione, looking at Ralph's body. "Oh yuck! That's going to replace the bad grades in my nightmares! Anyway, put on his clothes now."
Professor Snape started undressing. He glanced over at Hermione, who was doing the same, but quickly turned back around before he saw anything more than her back. He needed to remember his place. He went back to slowly undressing himself.
"Wooo! You've got a tight ass, Professor Snape!" shouted Hermione, who had already dressed.
Snape, who was only in his underwear, quickly put on the pants. Now he remembered why he didn't like her. Oh yuck! And he kissed her. He was going to need a lot of therapy. He threw on the rest of his clothes.
"If we're going to go, I suggest we leave sooner rather than later," Snape said gruffly. "It would not be a good thing for either of us to be caught by these frozen bodies."
"Oh, I've got a plan," said Hermione. "Pick up Ralph and let's get a move on!"
Back in the woods, Draco and Harry were having their own fun.
"Kiss me, Harry Beary!" said Draco.
"Okay, Drakey Wakey!" said Harry.
"Yuck!" said Goyle as held Draco back from Harry's advances. "This isn't slash, this is just disgusting!"
Ron held onto Harry to keep him from kissing Draco. "Tell me about it!" Ron said to Goyle, then he turned back to Harry. "No, Harry, believe me, you don't want to kiss Draco!"
But through the power of love, or at least brute strength, Harry wiggled free and embraced Draco.
"Oh Draco! Let's run away together!" he cried.
"Fine, but where to?" said Draco.
"Anywhere, anywhere but here. Somewhere were we can be free to love and away from persecution!"
"Hmm," said Draco. "How about San Francisco, there's no gayer city in the United States!"
"Yay! I love you Draco, let's go!" said Harry.
And with that, the two of them grabbed their broomsticks (which were coincidently hidden behind a nearby tree) and flew off into the night sky.
"Oh no!" said Ron as he sunk down to the ground. "This is all my fault! They're going to live an alternate lifestyle just because of my spell, which went so horribly awry!"
"It isn't all your fault," said Goyle.
"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Goyle," said Ron, "but you don't need to lie."
"I'm not lying," said Goyle. "Look up into that tree if you don't believe me."
Ron looked up and saw a chipmunk doing naughty things with a squirrel. "So this means..."
"...that the spell never hit Harry and Draco," finished Goyle. "Harry and Draco are gay of their own accord. It wasn't any spell. Being gay isn't a choice, it's just a part of who you are."
"Damn! You're like the gay version of Dr. Phil!" said Ron.
"Don't I know it!" said Goyle. "I'm thinking of starting a weight loss program. I'm going to call it Goy-la-robics."
"You know, Goyle?" said Ron as he and Goyle walked off into the night. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
"Hey!!! Wait for me!" squealed Colin Creevy.