::Note from Lams:: Thank you so much all of you who review! You are all my personal heros. A lot of times when I couldn't come up with anything to write, I'd go back and read them and come up with stuff. So thank you so much for helping with ideas and stuff. Anyhow, I've moved this back down to PG-13 because it isn't that bad. There's never any real sex, just jokes about it. And if Austen Powers can get away with being PG-13, then my story should too. Plus, people don't read them as much at R. I noticed that during the time I had it at R. So on to the story.
Back at camp, Dumbledore settled into his tent. He laughed. All the others were in cold, hard Muggle tents. Meanwhile, he was lounging on the gigantic waterbed that covered the entire floor of his and warm ornately decorated tent.
He was just getting all warm and cozy when McGonagall walked in.
"This isn't what it looks like, Minerva," he said, quickly trying to take down the VanGogh paintings.
"Shut it, Albus," she said. "I've known you for years. Do you really think I thought you were camping in a Muggle tent? After all, with that inflamed rectum of yours..."
"That's enough, Minerva," shot Dumbledore as his cheeks grew red and embarrassed.
"Anyway," continued McGonagall, "the girls tent is freezing, and I was wondering if I could sleep in here with you."
"No way! This is MY tent!" said Dumbledore. "And besides, I remember all too well the last time you tried to get into bed with me, you hussy. Euuugh! I'm still seeing a shrink over that little episode."
"Oh come come, Dumbledore! I have no hidden intensions, I'm just cold. Now let me in bed," said McGonagall, pulling back the silk sheets.
Dumbledore sat upright and pouted. "It's not fair! This is MY bed. You probably will pee in it or something."
Just then, four girls came crawling into the tent.
"THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" exclaimed McGonagall and Dumbledore in unison.
"Come on! Do you REALLY think we'd be thinking that?" said Pansy. "Your idea of action is watching the Lawrence Welk show while popping some Vioxx."
"Besides," added Lavender, "we followed McGonagall in when she left. Our tent is freezing."
"Oh fine! Get in!" said Dumbledore. "I hope you all have diapers on. There will be no peeing in my bed. If not, Minerva always carries some extra Depends with her."
It was McGonagall's turn to blush this time.
At that moment, Crabbe and the Weasley twins rushed into the tent. Nobody bothered to shout "this isn't what it looks like," this time.
"Whoa! Dumbledore, you stud!" said George.
"I've only had four girls in my bed at one time," said Fred. "You totally beat me."
"The only reason you had four girls in your bed was because they were curling your hair, Fred," said George.
"Is it so wrong for me to want luscious, flowing locks of hair?" said Fred.
"Fine fine!" said Dumbledore, who was looking more and more angry. "Get in and shut up!"
"Hey, aren't those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas, Dumbly old boy?" asked George.
Dumbledore's eyes turned scarlet and his voice echoed in a truly demonic fashion, "GET IN NOW!"
"Okay, okay," sighed George.
After a couple of minutes, everyone was nearly asleep, except for McGonagall, who was actually asleep and was saying some rather dirty things about Sean Connery.
Suddenly, Crabbe broke the silence. "Hey, did you smell that?" he asked.
"Yes, and as long as I'm in my tent I'll do want," snapped Dumbledore as a groggy-looking McGonagall scooted further away from him.
"Err, that wasn't really what I meant," said Crabbe. "I mean coming from outside. It smells like--"
"--love?" finished Parvati.
"No, you idiot!" said Crabbe. "It smells like a pastrami sandwich."
"Funny," said Fred. "I hid a pastrami sandwich in Hagrid's beard five years ago. I don't think the poor chap's ever realized it was in there."
Sure enough, Hagrid pulled open the tent as Colin, Goyle, and Ron followed.
"Where are Harry and Draco?" demanded Dumbledore.
"Err," said Hagrid, "let's just say they went somewhere over the rainbow."
"Ooooh! That's so romantic!" said Crabbe. "Oh Goyle! Can we go too?"
Goyle put his arm around Ron's shoulder. "From now on it's RON and Goyle."
Crabbe's eyes watered, and for the second time that night, he let out an ear-splitting scream. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"Did you hear that?" asked Snape as he carried Ralph's frozen body out of the woods.
Hermione, who was carrying Tina, turned to him, "I can't hear anything, only the sound of my..."
"Ugh! I'd advise you to go no further with that repulsive sentence, Miss Granger," said Snape.
"Ahem, if you let me finish," said Hermione. "I was going to say I can only hear the sound of my own stomach growling. Those hot dogs were not filling at all. Besides, I'm completely over you."
Snape froze still. True he didn't really like her, but still. "Over me?" he choked.
"That's right," she said. "something happened in the woods that opened my eyes and made me move on."
"Dear Lord! I'm a bad kisser!" thought Snape. "I knew I should have made out with my pillow more in middle school!"
"I like Ralph now," said Hermione.
Snape nearly choked. "Ralph? You mean the abusive, redneck with very tacky clothes that I'm carrying on my back at this very instant Ralph?" True, it was insulting that he Hermione abandoned her admiration of him for that lousy crumbum, but at least it wasn't because he was a bad kisser.
Hermione nodded.
"So you think he's better than me?" said Snape.
Hermione nodded again.
"If I may quote Mr. Weasley for a moment, what the bloody hell?"
"Well," said Hermione. "He's got the same dark charm you do, only he's kinkier and more experienced."
"More experienced?" said Snape.
"Well, he does have a kid after all. How do you think he got that? Do we need to have a talk, Sevvy?" she said mockingly.
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Miss Granger," he said as he got to the side of the road. He put sank back down into the familiar ditch and placed Ralph's frozen body beside him, which was actually very eerie.
Hermione said in the ditch as well. "What things?"
Snape would have never revealed such a dirty secret under any other circumstances, but Granger's taunts of him not getting any were really getting to him. "I had another occupation before I became a teacher at Hogwarts."
"What? A Death Eater? Because I so already knew that!" scoffed Hermione.
"If you would please let me finish, Miss Granger," snapped Snape angrily. "Anyway, I was a surrogate father."
"A surrogate father?" said Hermione. "I know what a surrogate mother is, but a father? What the hell is that?"
"When couples couldn't have children, usually lesbian couples, I would impregnate them."
"Oh, so you were a sperm donor?" said Hermione.
"No no! You couldn't be more wrong," said Snape hotly. "Don't misconstrue my words, Miss Granger. I slept with the lesbians until they got pregnant."
"Umm, wouldn't it have been easier to have been a sperm donor?" asked Hermione.
Snape looked at her sheepishly. "It was the 80's. Back then, we wore leg warmers and bizarre clothing. We were severely lacking on coherent thoughts. Plus, they drained blood out of their ill. Do you really think with medical technology like that, they could come up with something as complicated as in-vitro fertilization? I do miss the eyeliner and new wave music though."
Hermione looked at him perplexed. "They didn't bleed people in the 80's!" she said.
"Maybe where you come from," spat Snape. "But I lived in the United States at the time."
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" said Hermione. "Those Yanks are probably still putting leeches on anyone who's sick in attempts to cure them!"
"The Cure?" said Snape. "Now there was a good band. I used to look somewhat like Robert Smith."
"Really?" said Hermione. "I really liked Lovesong."
"Lovesong? You're such a poser!" scoffed Snape. "Only posers pick that as their favorite Cure song."
"Well sor-ry!" said Hermione. "That isn't really my generation anyway. So what's your favorite Backstreet Boys song?"
"Psh! The Backstreet Boys?" said Snape sneeringly. "I need you tonight."
"What?" said Hermione. "You need me?"
"No, you ridiculous little girl! That's my favorite Backstreet Boys song."
"I thought you said... oh well. My favorite's All I Have to Give."
"Do you have any idea grammatically incorrect that song is?" said Snape.
"You know what else is?" said Hermione. "I Don't Wanna Wait by Paula Cole. 'Say a little prayer for I,' what the hell is that?"
"Tell me about it!" said Snape. "Duran Duran got it right in Save a Prayer, and that was during the 80's!"
"Hmm, Save a Prayer is a good Duran Duran song, but Come Undone is by far my favorite."
"Mine too!" said Snape.
They looked adoringly into each others' eyes for a minute, but they quickly snapped out of it.
"Let's just get these bodies onto the road, okay?" said Hermione.