::Note from Lams:: Sorry about the delay on this one guys. I haven't really felt the inclination to write lately. This chapter isn't my best, but oh well. What it lacks in content, it more than makes up for in length. So make sure you're sitting on a comfortable chair, this will take longer than most of the other chapters. Once again, a HUGE thanks to my reviewers! If I knew any of you in real life, I would so invite you to my birthday party. Haha, well brace yourself for this super-long chappie!
"Okay!" said Dumbledore. "Let's go!" He set up a portkey and everyone we immediately transported to San Francisco in the middle of a ornately decorated building.
"Helloooo darlings!" said Draco as he rushed over to kiss everyone on the cheek. When he got to Snape, Severus pushed him away. He didn't really like the idea of getting kissed.
"Mr. Malfoy, may I ask why you are dressed like that? Is this some kind of theme wedding?" he said.
"Why, whatever do you mean? Hehehehehe!" said Draco as he twirled and giggled. Then he started tapping his ruby slippers. "There's no place like home, there's no palace like home! Tee hee!"
Dumbledore slapped Draco across the face, "Shu' da hell up, bitch! Err, I mean okay, Dorothy. Try to pull yourself together."
"I can't help it! I'm so giddy! I'm about to become Mrs. Harry Potter, or Mr. Harry Potter, or whatever gay people get called after they get married," said Draco.
"I believe the correct term is 'fairy,'" said Ron.
Draco stuck out his tongue. "Shut up, Weasel. You're just jealous because Harry likes me and not you!"
Just then, Harry walked out, dressed as the Cowardly Lion. "Drakey-wakey! We'll miss our own wedding!"
"Oh fine!" As he left, Draco turned to the others and said, "Grrrowl! That kitten's got claws! Purrr purrr!"
Everyone walked into the room where Draco and Harry were getting married. "Wow!" said Ron. "It looks just like the Wizard of Oz in here! They've even got midgets hanging themselves in the background and everything!"
"Let's just sit down, okay?" said Pansy, who was acting rather crabby since she realized Draco was gay.
"Oh my!" said McGonagall. "Do we sit on the bride's side, or the groom's?"
"I take it Draco's the bride," said Lavender.
"Ooooh oooh!!! I want to sit on the groom's side then!" said Dumbledore.
"I don't care, as long as I get to sit by you!" said Hermione to Snape, who quickly stepped away from her.
"No no!" said McGonagall. "Whichever side we sit on, the other will get upset."
"Hey, I've got a plan that can settle this whole dilemma!" said a voice.
"VOLDY!!!" exclaimed Dumbledore as he gave Voldemort a big hug. "I didn't know you were invited!"
"But of course, Dumbly my good fellow!" he said with a wink. "Luche is a Death Eater, ya know. I go way back with the Malfoys. Anywho-doodles. I can avert this entire 'which side do you sit on?' nightmare. I know a very powerful spell, but in order for it to work, we'll need to sacrifice someone to the Dark Lord. Oh hey, that's me, what do you know? So, who'll it be?"
"Let's sacrafice Creepy, errr, I mean Creevy!" said Dumbledore. "That little rodent deserves it!"
"Oooh no! Golly gee, you don't me, Mr. Dumbledore, sir, do ya?" said Colin. "Hey, hey guys! What are you looking at me like that for? No! No! Ahhh! Put me down! Nooooooo!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!" --- Dies
"Hooray!" said everyone else.
"Okay, we've made our human sacrifice. So Voldy, what's this powerful spell you've got?" inquired Dumbledore.
"Umm, ummm, hold on. Graham Cracker-o! No, no, that's not it. Umm, Justin Timberlakium? No, well, I guess I forgot it," said Voldemort.
"Aw, well that's okay," said Dumbledore. "Thanks for trying!"
"No prob, Dumbles! Actually, thanks to you, I'll be able to take over the world. That human sacrifice really boosted my strength." said Voldemort as he took a seat next to Lucius Malfoy, who was bawling like a baby. "Oooooh!!! My poor baby boy! Oh!! Hold me, oh gracious Dark Lord!"
Voldemort put his arms around Lucius and patted his back. "Ahem!" said Narcissa. "Wouldn't you rather have me hold you?" she asked.
Lucius held his hands up, shunning his wife, "Oh no you don't, you vile woman!"
"Well, I guess that explains a lot about Draco," said Ron.
"Oh no!" said Hermione. "The wedding's starting, and we're standing right in the middle of the aisle!"
Draco started walking down the aisle in his Dorothy dress. The Grim, who was dressed as Toto, was the flower girl. What can I say? It's a very powerful death omen. Suddenly, Draco saw the group of students standing in his path. "What are you doing? You're ruining my wedding day!" he hissed.
"Where do we sit?" mouthed Hagrid.
"Didn't you see the sign?" said Draco. Everyone looked up and sure enough, a gigantic neon sign was hanging from the ceiling that said "Section reserved for staff and students from Hogwarts" with a big arrow pointing to some seats.
"Well, I feel like an idiot now," said Dumbledore as he took his seat. The ceremony was already underway. Some guy dressed as the Tin Man started the ceremony underneath a gigantic sign in the shape of a rainbow that read, "Somewhere over the rainbow."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in matrimony."
"Hey," said Hermione. "Isn't that Elton John in the Tin Man's costume?"
"Remember that time we saw Elton John together, Goyle?" said Crabbe. " I remember you asking me, 'Crabbe, can you feel the love tonight?'"
Parvati butted in on the conversation. "It seems to me, like your relationship, was like a candle in the wind..."
"NO MORE CANDLE IN THE WIND!" shouted Goyle. The ceremony stopped and Harry and Draco stared at him. "What was that again?" said Elton John. "You don't want anymore Candle in the Wind? I'll make a note of it." Goyle looked flushed. "Sorry about that outburst, do carry on with the ceremony. But I was serious about Candle in the Wind, gotta stop that. And by the way, Crabbe, give it up. I'm with Ron now!"
Blah, blah, blah. The ceremony kept going in the same boring fashion most weddings go. Finally, Draco and Harry were pronounced, umm, man and husband. After they kissed, they ran out to their broomsticks (which were decorated by the Teletubbies, the gayest creatures of all.)
"Toodles, everyone!" said Draco, waving goodbye. "See you at the reception." He turned to his husband, "Oh Harry! I think we're over the rainbow."
A couple hours later, everyone was assembled at a gay nightclub in the heart of the town. Draco and Harry were there to greet everyone at the door.
"It was a beautiful wedding, Harry," said Parvati. "But how in the world did you the cast from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy as your Groomsmen?" Lavender, Pansy, and Luna nodded, probably because they were curious if they could meet that sexy Kyan.
"I had to polish a few wands to get it," said Harry. "But I think it was worth it."
"Ewww!" said Lavender. "I totally understand innuendo and I like so totally know what 'polishing the wand' is!"
"You're such a pervert, Lavender!" said Harry. "I worked in a wand polishing shop downtown to make a few bucks, that's all. Get your mind out of the gutter!"
Hermione looked around rather hurriedly. "Hi Draco, hi Harry!" she said incredibly fast. "Lovely wedding, here's your present, bye bye now!" Draco and Harry looked rather puzzled. "Hello to you too, Hermione," said Harry.
Hermione turned to Snape. "Come on! Let's go! I've got a present for you too, a dirty little present," she said with a wink.
Snape looked rather unenthusiastic, but managed to give a short smile to the newlyweds as Hermione lead him away.
"What was that all about?" said Draco. But at that moment, Dumbledore, Hagrid, and McGonagall came up.
"Hoho! Jolly good wedding!" said Dumbledore. "I've never had such a gay time in all my life! The music was so gay, and all the people, and there was just a gay aura about it all. Even though your union is a little unconventional. What's the word for two boys who are romantically involved together? I think it's jag, or maybe yag, it might be a soft j."
"Umm, Dumbledore, I think you mean gay," said Harry, but Dumbledore wasn't paying any attention. "Would I like to dance, you say? Would I ever! Come on! McGonagall, Hagrid -- LET'S BOOGIE!" and with a dramatic disco move, Dumbledore was dressed like John Travolta and was ready to dance. He left Harry and Draco and went to the floor.
"Hey Draco!" said Goyle, his arm wrapped around Ron.
"Look at this, Harry!" said Draco excitedly. "I totally set these two up, and now they're in as much love as we are! I'm such a great matchmaker."
"Umm, you didn't set us up," said Ron.
"Yep yep! Great matchmaker," continued Draco, not paying any attention to what Ron was saying. Harry had just seen Crabbe sulking by himself near the entrance. "Hey Goyle!" Harry said. "I always thought there was something going on with you and Crabbe? What happened?"
"We're not together anymore," said Goyle. "From here on out, it's Weasley and Goyle!"
"And you're just going to throw away all those years of companionship, honey?" said Draco.
"What other choice do I have," said Goyle.
"Hasn't anyone ever told you?" said Draco sympathetically. "You can have more than one boyfriend, well, if you live in Utah at least."
"Really?" said Goyle, his eyes burning with excitement. "Hey Crabby!" he called. "Want to be me and Ron's other boyfriend?"
"Maybe if you had asked 5 minutes ago," said Goyle. "But I'm dating Elton John now!" He grabbed Elton's hand. "Come on Elty, let's dance, sugar!"
Fred and George were the last to come congratulate Harry and Draco.
"Are you gay too?" asked Draco. "Just curious, most of the kids in this fic have turned out gay you know."
"Nope, we like the ladies," said George.
"Although you do have a point about all the kids being gay. Well, except the girls and Creevy, but we all know what happened to him..." said Fred, his voice trailing off.
"Err, this is getting creepy," said George. "Fred and I are going to take off to where there are more straight guys. We're not homophobes or anything, we just don't want to be the next to be offered as human sacrifices, I hope you understand."
"Nope, no problem!" said Harry. "See you guys later!"
As Fred and George left, Draco turned to Harry. "Great! Now where are we going to get human sacrifices to offer to the sex god?"
Meanwhile, Hermione had lead Severus to a booth in the back of the club. "Oh Sevvy! Let's have our wedding party here too!" said Hermione.
Maybe it was all the men in tight pants that were gyrating all around him, but Snape didn't have the same enthusiasm Hermione did. "Hermione, we're not getting married," he said briskly.
"But, but... but what about last night?" blubbered Hermione. "Didn't that mean anything to you?" Snape just sad there without saying a word. Hermione, in a fury, bolted upright and slammed her fist upon the table. "I hate you! I hate you Severus Snape! And if I ever see you again, it will be too soon!" And with that, she stormed off.
Goyle slid into the seat Hermione had just vacated. "Hey Professor! Having trouble with the ladies I see? Well, I was just given some great advice about polygamy so I think I can help."
"What the deuce are you talking about, Goyle?" said Snape.
"Haha, you've got me there. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But I can buy you a few drinks to help your night go better. Now, I don't want my kindness and generosity to effect my grade in potions," said Goyle.
"Don't worry, it won't," said Snape flatly. Goyle looked slightly disappointed (he could use all the help in Potions he could get). "Although," continued Snape, "if you're buying, I will take a Bloody Mary."
And 5 Bloody Mary's later...
"So get this!" said Snape. "She thought I wanted to MARRY her! Can you believe it? Hey, hey, you know what's a funny word? Spork! Haha, spork! What is the verb associated with a spork anyway? With a knife, you cut. What the hell do you do with a spork? Do you just say 'I'm going to spork me some meat' or what?"
"Umm, lovely," said Goyle. "So, errr, if you don't mind me asking, what went on in that tent last night with Granger anyway?"
"I'm usually a gentleman, and I wouldn't go talking about this if I wasn't completely wasted, you know," said Snape. "But to tell you the truth, well, she and I..."
"Yes, yes, she and you what?" said Goyle, who was salivating over this tender morsel of gossip.
"We, we had.... a conversation."
"A what?" said Goyle, looking rather disappointed.
"Did I stutter?" spat Snape. "Umm, sorry about that. Yeah, we talked. It was weird. She talked about her childhood and how she used to go to petting zoos, and I talked about my passionate love for pineapple juice."
"And she thought you were getting married based on THAT?" said Goyle.
"I guess, that or I might or proposed. I'm not really sure anymore. Where's my drink?" said Snape.
"No!" said Goyle. "No more drinking until you remember what happened!" Snape looked rather upset at this, but sighed heavily and started thinking. "Hmm, let me see, wait, wait. No, I never proposed to her, but we did eat some Ritz crackers."
As Snape was getting completely trashed, Hermione was sulking in the bathroom.
"Hermione, are you in here?" asked Lavender.
"Noooo, Hermione's not in here, this is... umm her mother!" called Hermione and a fakey voice.
"We're not idiots!" said Pansy. "Plus, I'd recognize your shoes anywhere. My gosh they're ugly!"
Hermione walked out of the stall, her eyes red and puffy.
"Hey, I know what you need!" said Luna energetically. "Some brownies!"
"No thanks, Luna," said Hermione.
"No, trust me, you'll like these brownies," said Luna. "Family recipe. They're why all of us Lovegoods are so smart!" And with that, she forced a brownie down Hermione's mouth.
"Nooo!" said Hermione. "Wait, mmmm, hey! These are actually pretty good, give me another!"
After 5 of Luna's brownies...
"Hey, hey, you know what's a funny word?" said Hermione. "Spork! Haha, spork! What is the verb associated with a spork anyway? With a knife, you cut. What the hell do you do with a spork? Do you just say 'I'm going to spork me some meat' or what?"
"I so do not have love for her!" said Luna.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" said Harry. "Me and Draco would like to present a special performer for you this evening! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for R Kelly!"
R Kelly walked out onto the stage. "Wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to be playing a major gig, not performing for a bunch of gay, white, underage.... underage? Haha, I mean, R Kelly is ready to get this party started."
By the time Bump N Grind came on, everyone in the building was too hopped up on something to know who they were bumping, much less grinding. The next morning, everyone woke up with more than just a headache.
::Ending Note:: Just so you know, next chapter will be my last. Holy cow, this was long! Anyhow, pretty please review or I'll hunt you down and steal all your potatoes!