Harry Potter bit into his slightly toasted bagel and took a chair beside Hagrid, who had also just come down. It was actually pretty frightening, because Hagrid had not changed from his pink bunny pajamas. "You know what?" said Harry between bites of his bagel. "We haven't had many S-N-A-K-E jokes lately."
"You're right, 'ere 'Arry." said Hagrid. He picked up his bowl of Fruit Loops and drank down the entire bowl, then stared at Harry.
"What? What are you looking at?" said Harry.
"Oh, nothing.... SNAKE!" said Hagrid.
"DO IT TO ME!! DO IT TO ME LIKE THE PETRO-CHEMICAL INDUSTRY IS DOING IT TO INDIGENOUS TRIBAL COMMUNITIES IN LATIN AMERICA!"
"Err... right," said Hagrid. "Now that was slightly strange and disappointing, yet also quirkily hilarious. Say, have you seen Professor Snape? I need to ask him a question about the Pygymy Noosle Minx Mating Potion."
"What's that supposed to do?" asked Harry.
"What does it sound like? It's a very powerful mating potion, it induces them mating process. Very useful in rare species," said Hagrid.
"So," said Harry, "you've got some rare creatures that need mating back at school?"
"No," said Hagrid, "actually, me and Olympe have a hot date coming up and I like to be sure that if I go to the trouble of showering, that I'll actually get something for it, ya know what I mean? Errr .... I probably shouldn't have told you that."
"Yeah, you probably shouldn't have," said Harry. "Excuse me, but I'm going to go throw up now."
Professor Snape stood near the back of the elevator as Hermione frantically pounded on the elevator doors, in the unlikely hope that someone would hear her and let them out.
"Miss Granger, I request you cease that infernal racket immediately," said Snape.
Hermione turned to him, "Really, do you want to be stuck in here? Who knows how long it could be, just me and you, alone... in the... elevator. Mwah ha ha ha, maybe I will stop."
Snape shuddered at this thought as he glanced at Hermione with disgust. "Take back every doubt I ever had about last night. I don't think it'd be humanly possible for me to be smashed enough to have even considered the unfortunate outcome you proposed."
"Has anyone ever told you you're a miserable bastard?" said Hermione.
"Yes," said Snape, "on a number of occasions."
"You know," said Hermione. "I think you really do like me. You just are afraid to admit it. You make yourself act so horribly to me as a means to curb your actual admiration for me." Snape looked very sour at this last accusation. "See? You're doing it right now!" said Hermione. "You're proving me right."
"I'm not proving anything other than my utter contempt and distaste for you, Miss Granger," said Snape. "Does she have a point?" he thought. "I really hope not. She is intelligent, with good taste in music and I've always admired that. Besides, we have so much tension you could cut it with a knife. Hmm... Mr. Severus Granger, errr, umm, I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Severus and Hermione Snape. Hmm... not exactly poetry, is it? I mean, what am I thinking about! I need to get these thoughts out of my head. Let me see, oh, I've got it. I'll sing. This is the song that never ends..."
"Professor Snape," said Hermione. "Why are you humming the Song That Never Ends with your fingers lodged in your ears?"
Snape woke from his trance-like state and pulled his fingers from his ears. "Oh yeah, well... blast! I've got no witty comment. This is the effect you have on me, Granger!"
"Effect? So I do effect you?" she said.
His face grew flushed, but he quickly regained composure and told her flatly, "Yes, you do. I would say nausea constitutes as an effect."
Hermione scowled at him, but just then the elevator lurched. "We're moving!" she said. But suddenly, the lights went out inside the elevator and the elevator started twitching eerily. "No!" she screamed. "We're going to fall to our deaths!"
Crabbe walked down to breakfast. "Where's Elton?" he thought. Truth be told, he didn't really care about Elton a whole lot. But being in a relationship meant he had less time to think about Goyle. Goyle! Oh, he missed him so terribly. It was supposed to be them, them forever.
Goyle looked up from his breakfast and saw Crabbe walking down. He always liked the way Crabbe looked in the morning, his hair all messy like that. He tried to shake himself out of the thoughts he was having for Crabbe. "I'm with Ron now, remember?" he thought. Ron. He was a nice boy, but they didn't have the connection he and Crabbe had. He was so foolish to throw that all away for a fling with a saucy red-head. He could barely contain his emotions anymore. He rose from the table and went towards his room before anyone could see how affected he had become.
"Here here!" said Dumbledore, pointing to a newspaper. "Look at this! Fred and George are on the front page of a Muggle Newspaper!"
"Let me see," said Harry. "You're right!" he as he read the article, "'Unknown actors, Fred and George Weasley are to star in the Hollywood production of Ginger Chaps, a film about a pair of brothers who play a magical game called Quidditch. Quidditch is a sport played by wizards on broomsticks.' How do the Muggles know about Quidditch?" asked Harry.
"To them this is just fantasy," said McGonagall. "They think it's more Hollywood hogwash."
"You know what WAS hogwash?" said Dumbledore. "SpiderMan 2. That movie sucked!"
McGonagall paused, "You know what, Dumbledore? For about the first time in my life, I actually agree with you."
"Here here!" said Trelawney, who had suddenly appeared behind them.
"What the hell is up with you popping up out of nowhere?" said Dumbledore. "You're not even supposed to be in this one!"
"So I keep hearing," said Trelwaney. "Anyway, in celebration of the suckiness of SpiderMan 2, let's all have a drink, shall we?"
The elevator was pitch black and slowly shifting, as though one wrong move could plummet both Snape and Hermione to their deaths. Both were afraid to even breathe. Suddenly, something snapped and the elevator tilted at a harsh angle, sending Snape into the opposite wall. Hermione was no match for the gravity either and fell directly onto Snape.
"What just happened?" she said.
"I think one of the support cables just snapped," he said.
"We're going to die, aren't we?" she said. Snape didn't say a word. "Well," she said, "since we're going to die, there's no use in tiptoeing around the subject anymore. I'm sure you know I admire you, I haven't done very much to hide that, I know. But I've acted so foolish about it. All my sexual advances, as much as I wanted that too, they weren't what I was really after. The truth is, I'm in love with you."
The elevator creaked some more and the solitary remaining cord seemed ready to tear at a moment's notice. "Please, please say something," said Hermione to Snape. "God! Even if you really do loathe me, let me know. Before I die, I just want to know what I could have done to make you love me back. Don't just stand there! PLEASE!"
Suddenly, the last remaining cord snapped. and the elevator plunged. Hermione's eyes filled with tears and she clutched onto Snape as they fell. "Goodbye, Professor Snape," she said.
"Goodbye, Miss Granger," said Professor Snape. "And... I never really loathed you." However, at that instant, something crazy happened! Someone opened a small door at the top of the elevator and jumped inside.
"Don't worry, we're here to help!" said a girl in a yellow suit.
"Oh!" said Hermione. "You're the Yellow Ranger!" She turned to the Power Ranger and whispered, "You were always my favorite."
"Err, that's great," said the Yellow Ranger. "Anyway, hold still while we save both of your asses. Go-go Sabre Tooth Tiger!"
"Umm, isn't that a total rip off of Inspector Gadget? That whole go-go thing was done WAY before you did it," said Hermione.
"Can it!" said the Yellow Ranger. "Do you want to die or not, biotch?" Suddenly a gigantic metal Sabre-Tooth Tiger came crashing through the walls. The tiger formed with 4 other metal Prehistoric animals to form -- The MEGAZORD!
Goyle made his way to his room. He had to get away. He wasn't thinking very clearly, as he was completely immersed with Crabbe. He ran right into someone. "Sorry," he said. He looked up. "C--Crabbe?"
"Yeah," said Crabbe. "Look, I found something you might be interested in. It's a letter, from my boyfriend, and yours..."
Goyle picked up the card. "And apparently from R Kelly too. I guess this means we're both dumped."
"Yes," said Crabbe. The two of them just stood there awhile staring at each other.
"Well, I've got to go," said Goyle quickly. "Yes, me too," said Crabbe. As Goyle walked away, he decided he would take one last look behind him. If he and Crabbe were meant to be, he would look back too. "1...2...3...look," thought Goyle. He whirled around and saw Crabbe, who had been stopped by a hotel employee. His heart sunk and he made his way back to his room.
Draco finally woke up from his fainting spell. "Father," he said. "Are you really involved with Pansy?" he said, still shocked.
Lucius nodded. "Yes, I am Draco. I was very young when I married your mother. I didn't know many other pureblood wizards. I thought that since she was exactly the type of woman I was supposed to be with, why not marry her? I wasn't really in love, and neither was she. It's unfair to keep up a charade."
"But Pansy," said Draco. "He cheated on my mother, what makes you think he won't cheat on you too?"
"Oh," said Pansy. "I certainly think he will." Draco's eyes widened.
"Let me try to explain my philosophy, Draco," said Lucius. "Now, I know everyone has a tendency to stray from time to time, but I firmly believe there's one person out there with whom we were intended to spend forever with, even if we shall you say, test other waters from time to time, they're the one you truly love at the end of the day. I know it sounds ludicrous, but Pansy is that girl."
"I think I understand, dad," said Draco. "Though Pansy? Weird!"
"Yeah, tell me about it!" said Lucius. "Although you can't imagine the weirdness I felt when I found out the arch enemy of my lord and master was marrying my son. Much less the fact that you were gay."
"Touche, dad!" said Draco. "Yep, you've certainly got me there!"
The Megazord picked up the falling elevator and stopped it, letting Hermione and Snape out into the lobby. Dumbledore quickly ran over to see what was going on.
"Dumbles, my brother!" said the Red Ranger. "I think these are your people," he said motioning to Hermione and Snape.
"You saved them?" said Dumbledore, half disappointed. It would have been more romantic had they fallen to their deaths, you know.
"Why don't you look a gift horse in the mouth, Dumbledore?" said the Red Ranger. "You're a real bastard. We risked our lives to save your friends, and also risked our bank account. Do you know how much money it will cost us to repair all those walls we broke through? We burst in on this one couple that will certainly sue us, as we caught them in the act."
"Caught them in the act? Well, it was an accident, you were there to save lives, you'll get off," said McGonagall, who had just come over.
"Well, maybe that would have worked if we didn't stand around and watch them for 15 minutes," said the Red Ranger. "Well, I've got to be going. See you blokes around!" And with that, they were both off.
"Are you okay?" Snape asked Hermione.
"Yes, yes," she said. "I'll be just fine."
"I've been thinking about what you said," he told her, "what you said in the elevator."
"You have?" she said.
"Well, after all, Miss Granger," said Snape. "Together, we've been fugitives from the law, threatened by intimidating rednecks, we've slept together on more than one occasion, been trapped in an elevator, one in which we were falling to our deaths no less, and of course we've caught in a number of rather embarassing situations. We've been through so much together in such a short time. Who else could possibly understand except for you? What I'm really getting at is..."
"Oh yes!" said Hermione. "I will marry you, Severus!"
"Don't get ahead of yourself," said Snape with a slight smile.
Hermione's face lit up, "So you do occasionally smile from time to time!"
"Yuck! Don't make me lose my quiche!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "This is getting far too mushy for my tastes! Let's leave before any more crappy love things can happen!"
::Ending Note:: Okay, next chapter will REALLY be the last this time. It'll pretty much catch up with all the characters and tell you how everything turned out in the end. It won't really be the same format. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure about this chapter. Kind of saccharin. I'm not usually into all that romantic craptasticness, but I guess I kind of built up the relationships, so I may as well finish them off. I'll try and cut some of the sickingly sweetness in the next chapter. Anyway, as much as I don't like it, please read and review anyway. Sorry about the legenth again. I promise the next one won't be so bad. I just have no life, so I type for so long. Like this. Blah blah blah, I really didn't need to put that, but yet I did away. Mwah hahahaha hahhahah. Lovely. Okay. Now I'm done.
Oh! And thanks again to all of you who review!