Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and some incidents are products of J. K. Rowling's imagination, not mine. Any resemblance to fanfics, original fiction, or any other document, living or dead, is entirely coincidental (except for Harry Potter, of course).
I'm hoping the F.B.I. won't come to my house and beat me up for using copyrighted characters.
This is a generic breadbox script for all the Harry Potter movies... I was really tired when I wrote this, and you may not think it is at all funny. Even if you don't, somebody please R&R.
EXT. BRITISH SUBURB - EERILY CLEAN HOUSE
HARRY
I hate my life.
THE DURSLEYS
And we hate you.
PETUNIA
Because we're morons!
DUDLEY
And we're even uglier than we were
in the last movie!
HARRY
Yes. I need some emotional trauma
to prove what a good person I am.
HEDWIG
You've got mail
HARRY
Hmmm... I must be in trouble for
something that is obviously not my
fault. I think I'll run away to make
things worse.
EXT. A GENERIC HOMEY BUILDING
RANDOM MINOR CHARACTERS
Harry, we're so glad we found you!
Now listen while we accidentally
tell you something important to the
plot.
HARRY
Um... thanks.
RANDOM MINOR CHARACTERS
We don't know what you're talking
about.
EXT. DIAGON ALLEY
HARRY
I'm glad I can talk to my friends.
Whatever I found out will naturally
be important, so they should know.
HERMIONE AND RON
Let's sidetrack Harry with more
cleverly concealed plot information!
HARRY
In all the confusion, I've forgotten
what I had to say. Oh well.
HERMIONE AND RON
It's OK. You'll remember again when
it's the most dramatic time to say
something.
EXT. PLATFORM 9 3/4
FRED AND/OR GEORGE
Why are we always in this scene?
MRS. WEASLEY
I'm the perfect mother figure, so I have
to give you well meaning but useless
advice before you go.
EXT. BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE
HARRY
Is there anything that can happen to
make this trip more dramatic? Of course
there is.
STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN
Die, Harry, die!
HARRY
You don't scare me! I'm the hero, so I can
recover from anything! Oh, and before I
forget, someone wants to kill me.
RON AND HERMIONE
Oh no! What will you do?
HARRY
If I knew that, there would be no point to
this scene.
EXT. HOGWARTS
PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL
You can't see the sorting. It takes twenty
minutes of valuable screentime.
PROFESSOR SNAPE
I hate you, Harry.
HARRY
Like I don't know that by now.
EXT. HOGWARTS - LATER
HARRY
Seemingly random yet ominous things are
happening. What could this mean?
RON
I wonder if it's important to the plot?
HERMIONE
Everything's important to the plot.
Nothing unimportant can fit into this
movie.
NEVILLE
I'm comic relief! Ow!
HERMIONE
Ok, maybe not everything.
EXT. WINTER HOGWARTS
HARRY
Random, ominous things are still
happening. Let's go talk to Hagrid.
HAGRID
I can't tell you anything. Have you
noticed my fascination with large,
extremely dangerous monsters?
EXT. HOGWARTS. AGAIN.
HARRY
I'd have sworn that building wasn't
there before.
OLD BUILDING
What? I've always been here. How
dare you challenge my authority?
HARRY
Whatever. Hagrid won't tell us
anything. Let's explore so we can
work ourselves into a dead-end
plot.
HERMIONE AND RON
Ok!
EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
HARRY
Oh no! A monster! Who will save us?
MONSTER
I, too, am an important plot element.
I'm so proud!
HERMIONE
I have the solution!
RON
I'll get in the way!
EXT. HOGWARTS
PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL
We have to plan this carefully so
that none of the five teachers the
audience knows about are present
when Harry needs us.
PROFESSOR SNAPE
I'll keep acting evil just to confuse
him.
SOME D.A.D.A. TEACHER
And I'll be a part of the problem,
but Harry will never suspect me!
EXT. HIDDEN PART OF HOGWARTS
HARRY
Is the castle really big enough to
have all these hidden areas that
no one ever found out about?
RON AND/OR HERMIONE
We're here to help because we're the
only other major characters anyone
knows about.
SOME D.A.D.A TEACHER
You never even suspected me! W00t!
HARRY
You'll get brownie points for that, I'm
sure. Can we have the emotional
confrontation surrounded by danger
now?
OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER
I did something evil!
HARRY
I know that. I can read your title. I
just don't know who you are because
the director didn't provide enough
backstory.
OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER
I killed something!
HARRY
Can you be any less specific?
OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER
Dumbledore will explain everything later.
HARRY
Dang, this scene is long. I guess I'd better
kill you now.
OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER
You will never win!
OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER
Crap!
HARRY
Ha ha... sucker!
EXT. HOSPITAL WING
HARRY
Wow, this room is ugly.
DUMBLEDORE
Good job, Harry. You beat the
obscure evil character. Now I will say
something that sounds important without
actually meaning anything.
HARRY
That's very comforting.
EXT. GREAT HALL
FRIENDS ET AL.
You did it Harry! We're so proud and
happy!
HERMIONE
I guess this is the end of the movie.
HARRY
Wait. What happened to the rest of
the plot?
HERMIONE
It either became part of the ending
or wasn't important enough to be
included in the actual film.
HARRY
Oh. Ok.