I don't think it's right to feel absolutely cold. And I don't think it's right to have this feeling for over an arn. It almost feels like this isn't happening, that this is all some strange dream, and that I'm going to wake up any microt and not have to deal with any of this.

The problem is, it's not a dream. It's really happening, and whatever decision I make doesn't affect only me. This also affects John. This affects the child that either doesn't live or that I have to care for. Either way, I have to deal with it for the rest of my life. While most of me right now can't believe I ever got into this position, there's a part of me creeping out that isn't hating the thought too much. Which is good, because it's probably best I not be so upset when I have to tell John.

I'm not looking forward to him.

I find him in command, fiddling with some controls and wires that Pilot probably told him to stay away from. Maybe this talk will save him from electrocuting himself. I really don't want to do this, but there's really no choice. I can't *not* tell him, and it's better that we do this sooner than later.

"What have you done?" I ask him, trying to sound normal.

"I haven't done anything. I'm fixing it," he says, and turns towards me. "Trying to fix it, anyway. It's not cooperating." John looks at me, frowning. "Is something wrong."

"I'm pregnant." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I probably could have cushioned the blow a little, but the words have to be said anyway.

He just stares at me for a moment, then says simply, "What?"

"I'm pregnant," I repeat, and realize just how *strange* that sounds.

John nods slowly, as if the words are just hitting him. "Oh," he says, and his eyes drift from me to somewhere behind me on the wall. "Wow."

I'm expecting more of a reaction. I want more of a reaction. "Is that all you can say?" I ask.

"Give me a second. Let me get a thought." He looks back up at me, studying my face like he's trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth. "You're serious?"

And look, I was right. "You think I would joke about something like this?" I ask, offended.

"No, I don't think you would," he says quickly, "but... Wow."

I really don't like the way this is going. I may not be too happy about this- yet- but I think I want him to be. "You can stop saying that now." I tell him.

"Sorry."

"What do you think?" I ask, becoming annoyed. "And if you say 'wow' I will hurt you."

He takes a moment to respond. I think he's still shaking off the shock. And if so, he needs to tell me how to do the same. "I think this could be a good thing, Aeryn," he says finally. "I mean... Wo- I mean..." He looks me in the eye again, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Why aren't you smiling?"

It's best to be honest with him. "Because I don't know what we're supposed to do."

The smile's gone. "You don't want to have the baby?"

"I don't know," I confess. "All I can think about is why this is a bad thing. I know absolutely nothing about children, for one-"

"You think anyone does?" he says, and puts his hands on my waist. "ItÕs touch and go with everyone, babe."

Like that's even the start of it. "This child isnÕt even one species. I know hardly anything about your species, you donÕt know mine, and we donÕt know whatÕs going to happen when these two species reproduce," I continue, my thoughts all coming out in one long ramble, desperate to escape my brain. "And weÕd be bringing up a child while running from Peacekeepers and bounty hunters and whoever else wants us all dead. I've lost count of how many there are hunting us down, John. We donÕt have anything here for a child, and especially not an infant. And if Crais or Scorpius were to get word that I was pregnant... I donÕt want to make this child a target." Where did that one come from? I hadn't even thought of that before.

Something in his face... He really wants this baby, I can see that. And that hurts. I thought it would make me feel more at ease, but it doesn't. If I decide not to have this child... "Aeryn, we can do this," he says with a seriousness to his voice that I have never heard before. "This is our child. Yours and mine. Think about that for a minute. Can you imagine what our kid would be like?"

The thought brings the start of a smile to my face. I can imagine it. And while that thought absolutely *terrifies* me, I like it all the same.

"We can do this, Aeryn. You're definitely not alone on this."

I stare at him, into his eyes, and that unhappy little part of me starts to back down. "I just need to think about this for a little while," I say, but I can hear the reluctance in my own voice. Right about now, I want this baby, desperately, but I need to think this over more before I come to a decision.

"Okay," he concedes, but I know he isn't happy about that. "How long have you known?" he asks. I think he's trying to figure out whether I knew before he dragged me down to see Zhaan about all the problems I'd been having. (Little did I realize they were symptoms of pregnancy. Looking back it's actually pretty frelling obvious.)

"About an arn. Zhaan didn't want you to hear in case I..." I trail off. I still haven't been able to actually say out loud that I might not keep the baby. And I won't say it to him.

"Decided not to tell me at all?" he says.

"I wouldn't do that," I insist. "But she didn't know that."

He nods. This obviously isn't going the way he wants it to. "Are you okay?" he asks me. "You're almost as white as Chiana."

"I'm fine," I say. "Just... a little shaken. Shocked."

"I can see that," he says, and puts a palm up to my face. "I do think this is a good thing, Aeryn."

He's doing this on purpose. And it's *working*. "I know. Just let me think about it," I say. "Maybe tomorrow I'll have a clearer head."

"Okay," he says, and pauses for a microt. "I'm not trying to pressure you into having it-"

"Yes, you are," I tell him. If he's going to guilt me, I'm going to call him on it.

He smiles. "Okay, I am," he says. "I do want this baby, Aeryn. And I want it with you."

Oh, that's it. He wins. He *knew* how hard that would hit me! I've got to give him credit, he's *good*. (And if the child inherits that from him, I will kill him.)

Too bad I'm still going off to my own quarters. I need to be alone right now. I just have to sort things through, and figure out how things will work. "Good night, John," I say, touching his hand lightly as I turn to leave.

"Night," he says.

As I leave, I can hear one more shocked "Wow" come from his direction.

I go off to my quarters, knowing there's no way I'm getting any kind of sleep. That's just not going to happen. The talk had the effect I thought it would. I came out of it wanting this baby, wanting to make this all work. I'm still scared out of my mind, and I don't have the first clue how to do this, but I'm going to try.

To be honest, I don't think I would have been able to keep the child if John hadn't wanted it. If I'd been left to raise him or her alone, I could do it. But considering our situation, both living here on Moya, it wouldn't be fair to him, it wouldn't be fair to me, and it wouldn't be fair to our child. It would never work.

I just lay in bed for a few arns, wide awake, trying to come up with answers to all my questions. How the others will deal with this, how to care for it, how to keep this all from our enemies, and then there's how this will affect my relationship with John.

I wouldn't say it's *serious* between us, but I'm not denying that I have feelings for him. Strong feelings. I only recently admitted that to him. I was comfortable with the way things were. Whatever our situation, no matter how odd it may have seemed, it worked for us. Of course, having a baby changes all of that. Like it or not, there's no a bond between us. A little half-Sebacean, half-human bond that's going to force us into each other's lives no matter what. That scares me, too. It's been a long, *long* time since I've been a part of any kind of family, and that family wasn't together long at all.

But I can see it. I really can imagine our child. Another thing that scares me, but it's going to happen. And I like that thought.

I'm still terrified. I don't know how to stop that. I've never been this close to being paralyzed with fear before. I've never had to care for another being before. Not like this. I may have decided to have this baby, but that doesn't change the fact that *I don't know what I'm doing.* At all. Don't even know where to start.

I'm not ready for this. There is no doubt about that. But I've made up my mind. I'm going to be a mother.

Did I just think that?

I really don't want to be here right now. I don't want to be confined to my quarters alone. A problem easily solved when I get up and walk myself over to John's quarters. I know he's not asleep, especially when I see him move over to make room for me.

I crawl into his bed, and he puts his arms around me. This is much better. "So do we have a verdict yet? Or are we still a hung jury?" he asks.

I have no idea what 'hung jury' means. I get the point, though. "Congratulations," I say. "You're going to be a father."

John doesn't say anything at first, just holds me closer, kissing me lightly. "Thank you," he tells me.

I settle against him, smiling a little. This is much better. Maybe now both of us can get some sleep. Not likely, but maybe...