When John didn't show up at breakfast, I knew where he would be. Actually, I was going to look for him when I woke up this morning and found him gone, but I know he needs time to think. I did, too, at first. But I want to know what he's thinking. I was honest with him. The least he could do is tell me what's going on.
He's out on the terrace, staring out into space. He's lost in thought. And actually, it's been a long time since I've seen him so still, so absorbed in his own thought. I don't know if that's a good sign or not.
I don't say anything, just sit next to him. He looks over at me and smiles a little. "Were you planning on staying out here all day?" I ask him.
"I kind of lost track of the time," John admits. He still isn't looking me in the eye. That isn't good.
"Are you all right?" I say.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he asks. "Are you okay?"
"I have been so far," I tell him. "Don't worry about me. You never answered my question. Are *you* all right?"
John nods, finally looking up so that I can see into his eyes. "Yeah. The shock's just sinking in," he says.
I can see that. I understand that. In fact, I was there yesterday. "This is a lot to deal with," I agree. "So much to do and not enough time to do it all."
"Tell me about it. And there's so much we don't know," he says. "I mean, we haven't found any major problematic differences between our species, but who says we won't find them when this kid is born? We don't know. And if we were on Earth, I'd know what to do, but how the hell do you even change a diaper out here? Do we *have* diapers out here?"
He's rambling. It's been a very long time since I've seen him like this, this scared. And he's definitely not alone. I've had a lot of these same thoughts, and for each question I can think of, the only answer I come up with is that we'll figure this out. I really believe that we can. This is the only option: strange as it may seem, I want this baby. I want to do this.
"It isn't like either one of us is doing this alone," I say, and pause, waiting for a response.
"Right," John says.
Good. Exactly the response I was looking for. "Then I think we can do this," I say. "We have people here who will help us, whether they like it or not, and it's like you told me last night. We're in this together."
He smiles at me, a full, genuine smile. "And here I thought you weren't listening."
"I listen. I might not like what you have to say, but I do listen. And I liked what you had to say," I tell him, smiling.
"First time for everything," he says. "How are you so calm about this?"
"Really, have you been able to sleep since we found out?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. I know his answer, too, even without him saying it. "Neither have I. I've had a long time to think this over, to get used to the thought of someone calling me 'mother.'" Oh, that's still a strange thought. That one will take some more getting used to.
John puts an arm around me, drawing him comfortably close to him. "So. What do you think, boy or a girl?"
I can't help but be relieved. I've been wondering if he was really all right with this, but he seems to be adjusting. That makes me feel much more at ease. "I haven't put much thought into that," I say. "Either way, I'll be happy." (That's not totally true. I know that I'm not Talyn's mother, and that I haven't raised him, but it almost feels like I have. Having had at least a part in raising a male, I think I would like a girl. It'll also even out the hormonal imbalance on this ship, but that's another story...)
I can feel John's breath on my ear as he turns his head towards mine. "That's going to have to be our battle cry, you know. We're in this together. No matter what happens..."
ÒGood. Because IÕm not sure I could do this without you, John,Ó I whisper. No, I can't do this without him. I know that one for sure.
He nods. ÒAnd I wouldn't want to do this without you.Ó
I look up towards him. ÒUnless thereÕs something about human physiology youÕre not telling me, you *can't* do this without me,Ó I remind him.
I can feel John's body move as he laughs, and pulls me closer. "The others won't take this news well," I say. That's my main concern right now, now that John isn't silent anymore. I don't want everyone else to take this as a bad thing. It isn't.
"You know what? They dealt with Moya's pregnancy, they can deal with this. And considering how many problems we all had during that time, this will be a lot less painful for them. This is between us," John says. "They'll come around. It's cool."
We are both silent for a moment, and I'm starting to feel like I could just fall asleep right here in his arms. And it looks like John sees that, too. "You want to go inside?" he asks me quietly.
I shake my head, curling up next to him. "No. I'd rather stay with here."
He's out on the terrace, staring out into space. He's lost in thought. And actually, it's been a long time since I've seen him so still, so absorbed in his own thought. I don't know if that's a good sign or not.
I don't say anything, just sit next to him. He looks over at me and smiles a little. "Were you planning on staying out here all day?" I ask him.
"I kind of lost track of the time," John admits. He still isn't looking me in the eye. That isn't good.
"Are you all right?" I say.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he asks. "Are you okay?"
"I have been so far," I tell him. "Don't worry about me. You never answered my question. Are *you* all right?"
John nods, finally looking up so that I can see into his eyes. "Yeah. The shock's just sinking in," he says.
I can see that. I understand that. In fact, I was there yesterday. "This is a lot to deal with," I agree. "So much to do and not enough time to do it all."
"Tell me about it. And there's so much we don't know," he says. "I mean, we haven't found any major problematic differences between our species, but who says we won't find them when this kid is born? We don't know. And if we were on Earth, I'd know what to do, but how the hell do you even change a diaper out here? Do we *have* diapers out here?"
He's rambling. It's been a very long time since I've seen him like this, this scared. And he's definitely not alone. I've had a lot of these same thoughts, and for each question I can think of, the only answer I come up with is that we'll figure this out. I really believe that we can. This is the only option: strange as it may seem, I want this baby. I want to do this.
"It isn't like either one of us is doing this alone," I say, and pause, waiting for a response.
"Right," John says.
Good. Exactly the response I was looking for. "Then I think we can do this," I say. "We have people here who will help us, whether they like it or not, and it's like you told me last night. We're in this together."
He smiles at me, a full, genuine smile. "And here I thought you weren't listening."
"I listen. I might not like what you have to say, but I do listen. And I liked what you had to say," I tell him, smiling.
"First time for everything," he says. "How are you so calm about this?"
"Really, have you been able to sleep since we found out?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. I know his answer, too, even without him saying it. "Neither have I. I've had a long time to think this over, to get used to the thought of someone calling me 'mother.'" Oh, that's still a strange thought. That one will take some more getting used to.
John puts an arm around me, drawing him comfortably close to him. "So. What do you think, boy or a girl?"
I can't help but be relieved. I've been wondering if he was really all right with this, but he seems to be adjusting. That makes me feel much more at ease. "I haven't put much thought into that," I say. "Either way, I'll be happy." (That's not totally true. I know that I'm not Talyn's mother, and that I haven't raised him, but it almost feels like I have. Having had at least a part in raising a male, I think I would like a girl. It'll also even out the hormonal imbalance on this ship, but that's another story...)
I can feel John's breath on my ear as he turns his head towards mine. "That's going to have to be our battle cry, you know. We're in this together. No matter what happens..."
ÒGood. Because IÕm not sure I could do this without you, John,Ó I whisper. No, I can't do this without him. I know that one for sure.
He nods. ÒAnd I wouldn't want to do this without you.Ó
I look up towards him. ÒUnless thereÕs something about human physiology youÕre not telling me, you *can't* do this without me,Ó I remind him.
I can feel John's body move as he laughs, and pulls me closer. "The others won't take this news well," I say. That's my main concern right now, now that John isn't silent anymore. I don't want everyone else to take this as a bad thing. It isn't.
"You know what? They dealt with Moya's pregnancy, they can deal with this. And considering how many problems we all had during that time, this will be a lot less painful for them. This is between us," John says. "They'll come around. It's cool."
We are both silent for a moment, and I'm starting to feel like I could just fall asleep right here in his arms. And it looks like John sees that, too. "You want to go inside?" he asks me quietly.
I shake my head, curling up next to him. "No. I'd rather stay with here."