Notes: Sorry about the delay. School-related stress mounting once again, so the next chapters will most likely have long stretches between them. Not much I can do about that, so sorry again.
I know the Goddesses appear a certain way in the anime and the tanks. But you have to understand, I've long forgotten the anime and I don't have any tanks, so I'm describing them the way I feel like picturing them. Besides, any worthwhile god can change its appearance based on who's looking, so there.
Warning: Strange images on abuse and spirituality ahead.
Change
Chapter 10
Zero had always known that he and Hiead would never agree, especially if they became Pilots at the same time. There were certain things he expected of Hiead, and certain things that he did not. There were things he would accept from Hiead that no one else would ever get away with.
The worst part being that Hiead knew all of this, and planned to exploit it.
No one said a thing that first practice session, when Omega Kallisto kept clipping Ernn Laties. Even when Zero emerged with bloody, jagged scratches decorating both arms, no one said a word. Kizna alone paused long enough to shoot Hiead her most venomous glare, which he returned with a wicked smile.
Predictably, a gulf formed between Hiead & Kazuhi and the others. Erts was the only one apparently not aware of it, though even he made no attempt to approach Hiead. He had tried only one to reason with Zero, who was of the opinion that Kazuhi was perfectly capable of looking after herself.
Gareas was furious with the whole situation. He still thought that he should be Top, and now that Hiead was in the picture, it was clear to him that it would never happen. What made him angriest was that if he even hinted at taking Zero's place, they'd call it rebellion. Yet, Hiead could practically tear Zero apart in practice sessions, and they called it healthy competition. Ironically, nobody every thought Zero looked too healthy afterwards. In fact, it was rare that he didn't have to report for medical treatment after practice.
In the midst of all the anger, no one but Wrecka noticed how much Roose was quietly improving. He did his best to avoid any interaction with the others, and it seemed to do wonders for his abilities. He was more focused now than she had ever seen him, though she couldn't figure out why that should be.
* * * * *
Zero was not at all surprised to find Saki instead of one of the usual nurses in the infirmary. "Hey, Saki," he murmured, plopping down in front of her and stretching his wounded arm across the table. "It's not as bad as it looks."
Saki began to say something, then decided against it as she got a good look at the deep scratches. "I can't believe you're acting like they're nothing."
"I've seen what happened to some of the others," Zero replied solemnly. "It's nothing."
She decided not to argue the point. "Does it hurt much?"
"He didn't poison me, Saki. Ingrids can't do that."
"That's not what I asked you, Zero," she snapped, starting to get annoyed.
"Okay. Yeah, it stings. Happy?"
"Not until I've fixed you up, no." Saki took a certain pleasure in watching him cringe as she sprayed on some antiseptic. "Does this happen often?"
"It will," he answered, apparently not concerned.
"Where's Kizna?"
"I made her stay and look after Ernn Laties. Seeing this would only upset her."
"She was worried about you, no doubt. Do you really think she'll be able to make repairs while she's thinking of you?"
Zero shrugged. "Kizna's got a good head when it comes to things like that. She knows the best way she can keep me alive is by making sure the Ingrid's in peak condition."
"So I guess you just want me to patch you up so you can get hurt all over again?"
"Hey, I don't LIKE getting hurt. But you can't be surprised he reacts to me this way."
"I'm surprised that YOU are reacting THIS way. Don't you care what happens to you?"
"There's a list of things I care about, Saki. That's not one of the top spots."
"Well, it should be," she muttered.
"No, it shouldn't," he snapped, suddenly angry. "If it were, we'd all be dead right now."
Saki stared at him. "…sorry," she said after a long moment. She finished wrapping up his arm in silence.
"Thanks." Zero stretched and rotated his arm experimentally. "It'll hold…until next time."
"You're not the same person you used to be," Saki murmured abruptly.
"No. I guess I can't be," Zero agreed as he moved to the door. "Say hi to Ihkny for me."
* * * * *
Kizna was not entirely comfortable with Ernn Laties yet. She still largely thought of that name as belonging to Teela, and you didn't just address Teela's Ingrid…which was why she had not tried to talk to the Goddess, yet. Maybe Kizna would've felt better if she and Zero had named the Goddess, and maybe not. But if Zero had a reason for not changing the name just yet, she would not argue the point.
It was just…odd, like looking after a sometime friend's grandmother. You knew to be careful, but you could never fully relax around her, since you were always worried something would go wrong. And as Kizna was the Repairer, there were only so many places the blame could go if something DID go wrong.
So she always approached Ernn Laties with sincerity and respect, especially after Zero had abandoned her.
Despite the fact that they weren't on speaking terms, Kizna spent many long hours doing nothing but making sure the Ingrid's armor sparkled. Ironically, all that did was keep Kizna informed of who spent the most time with the other Ingrids…sort of.
There were people like Erts, who, while quiet, you could always at least see them coming or going.
Then there were people like Hiead, who just appeared, for no other apparent reason than to scare anyone watching half to death. The really bothersome thing was that you could never tell where Hiead was unless you went looking for him. Half the time, he would just suddenly step out of Omega Kallisto, having been inside for hours on end. There was really no other place he frequented, not even his own room (which had been Yu's).
Kizna often envied the connection Erts had with Reneighd Klein. He seemed so very comfortable with her (and within her), no matter the time or place. It was almost as if they were related in some mysterious way, though maybe that wasn't far from wrong.
She did not realize he slept in the Ingrid until late one night, when he came stumbling out of the cockpit, drenched in sweat and white as a sheet.
"Erts?" she asked hesitantly.
His head snapped up, but the fearful look in his eyes faded to relieved recognition as he slumped against the Ingrid, panting heavily.
Kizna ran to him at once, carefully helping him up. "Bad dream?" she guessed, giving his arm what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze.
Erts shook his head slightly. "Nightmare," he muttered.
"Want to talk about it?" she offered, gently rubbing his back.
He shook his head again. "Don't…tell anyone?"
"Our little secret," Kizna promised. "But…was it really that bad?"
"Horrible," he whispered softly, wiping sweat from his face.
"Are you sure I can't do anything?" she asked anxiously. "I could call Tune-"
"No. I wish you could help, but…I'll be fine. Thank you, Kizna."
Kizna frowned. "I don't feel right leaving you like this, Erts…after what you did for me…"
He managed a tired smile. "You owe me nothing but your friendship. I'll be okay, I promise."
"Okay…" She stood up, watching him as she backed down the ramp. Finally, she turned and left him.
Erts sighed and buried his face in his hands, trying his best to erase the final images of the nightmare from his mind. He was totally unaware of a pair of narrowed, red eyes watching him closely.
* * * * *
Ihkny firmly believed she was getting better at these little tasks Clay gave her. She barely ever burst into tears at the sight of Kizna's smile anymore, and figured within a few months, she might be as reserved as Clay.
Most of that, however, was due to her latest task: dissect Erts Cocteau. Not in the literal sense, of course, but it was the word that Clay had used, and now that Ihkny thought about it, this was rather like a science class. Erts made for a very interesting subject, especially when he had no idea he was being watched.
He was nothing like the other Pilots, she noticed at once. He did not have Zero's bravery, nor did he possess Gareas's strength, Roose's optimism, and certainly not Hiead's coldness. Though he at first appeared to get along with everyone, Ihkny realized that Erts actually picked his associates quite carefully. The only people he was completely at ease with were Zero, Kizna, Tune, and Kazuhi. Interacting with anyone else required some degree of automatic mental and emotional shielding.
And then something very new and unexpected emerged. Erts began to draw in upon himself, becoming paler, jumpy, and generally nervous at all times, especially around the Repairers. It was hard to pinpoint at first, but gradually, Ihnky was almost positive that the source of Erts's sudden anxiety was one Kazuhi Hikura, and, quite possibly, her partnership with Hiead.
* * * * *
Hiead was not used to people seeking him out. In general, it was a stupid idea in the first place, and usually not very rewarding for anyone involved. Frankly, he wouldn't have minded at all if everyone else suddenly just dropped dead and left him totally alone. In fact, there were nights when he had wished for it in dreams.
In short, he was more than surprised when someone…knocked…on his Ingrid.
He knew at once that only four people would be stupid enough to do such a thing, and since it was a knock instead of a kick, he eliminated Gareas and Kizna. Surfacing reluctantly, he snarled inwardly upon recognizing the intruder as Erts. Well, he knew very well he was bringing upon himself, so no use in being considerate about it.
Hiead stuck only his head out of the cockpit. "What."
Erts gave the impression of being very uncomfortable…not that it mattered to him in the least, but at least he was suffering just as much by the conversation, if not more. "Can I talk to you?"
"The real question is how long I'm willing to listen if you do start to talk."
"It's about Kazuhi," Erts continued, apparently certain that Hiead would listen now.
"And?"
"Has she…said or done anything that might seem…odd to you?"
"She speaks highly of you, if that's what you mean," Hiead snapped.
Erts sighed. "Very amusing. But I meant more along the lines of…abuse?"
Hiead blinked. "Abuse. You came here because you think she's been badmouthing you behind you back?"
"No!" Erts was clearly weary of the conversation already, but for some reason, insisted on continuing it. "I meant…has she done anything…harmful…to you?"
Perhaps they both realized how idiotic it sounded the moment he said it, or maybe Hiead was still reeling from the shock…and, quite possibly, the absurdity.
"You…you think she's abusing ME?" Hiead asked, a step away from full blown chortling.
Erts said nothing, but his lips tightened into a thin line.
"So what are you? Jealous?" Hiead laughed. "Where do you GET this stuff? Enna? Because he's never come up with anything this funny before."
"Hiead, I'm…I'm trying to be serious."
"So you admit that it sounds ridiculous. Yet you came down here and pulled me out of my meditation just to make me laugh at you. Well, congratulations. You did make me laugh. In fact, you've made it impossible to continue meditation, because I'll probably never be able to stop grinning long enough to regain my focus. And because your idiocy is so entertaining, I won't hurt you. Not physically, anyway."
Hiead climbed out and walked past him. "You know," he said as he reached the bottom of the ramp, "there were a lot of things I would never had considered you. Especially not a comedic genius. Tonight, you've proved me wrong."
Erts was not sure how long he stood there afterwards, but his cheeks were still burning when someone touched his shoulder. "Aren't you done laughing yet, Hiead?"
"Erts-san?"
He yanked away at once, nearly slamming into Omega Kallisto. "Kazuhi-san…"
"I have never known my touch or my voice to distress you so," she said quietly.
If Erts had been in any condition to read her mind, he might've realized that she was hurt. "I've been…under some stress lately."
"Because of me."
"I…no…"
"Please do not lie to me, Erts-san. It insults my intelligence, your honor, and our relationship."
He could not come up with a single thing to say to that…especially not the truth.
"It is one thing if you do not wish to discuss your problems with me. But when I am clearly having a negative effect on your well-being, it concerns me as a person…and as your friend. Please let me know if there is something I could do to ease-"
"There is…only one thing," Erts said. "But we've already discussed it and you seem determined not to change your mind…so there is nothing you can do, I suppose."
"And you expect me to stand by and watch you suffer? Wasn't it you that told me that was something you could never do?"
"Yes. But maybe, Kazuhi-san, you're stronger than either of us knows. You have already proven that much to me, just by agreeing to become Hiead's Repairer."
"Do you hate me then?" Kazuhi asked.
Erts shook his head. "I could never do that."
"Then do you…still feel the same about me…as you once did?"
Erts stared at her for a long moment. "My feelings," he said at last, "have most definitely…changed."
That answer did not satisfy Kazuhi. Without warning, she raised her hand to his face.
Erts instantly recoiled, whether he meant to or not.
"You fear me," she whispered. It was not a question.
Erts said nothing.
"I cannot even begin to imagine what you find could frightening about me, unless it is Hiead-san that truly frightens you." She turned and began to leave.
He shook his head sadly. "You don't know how much I wish it was him, Kazuhi-san…"
* * * * *
It was in the ninth hour that he first sensed her approach. He was quickly getting better at knowing what she wanted of him and what he needed of her, so it was all very simple now. There were no disagreements and barely even conversation. He himself was sometimes forced to speak to make his intentions clear, but she was always so easy to read, and so she never spoke.
It was a shame, because he imagined her voice might be the most enchanting thing he'd ever heard.
She came up the hill with long, steady strides, closing the distance faster than most men would or could. Despite that, she gave every indication that she was a woman and little else. Her face was a painted a ghostly white, with red slashes down her cheeks. He had never gathered the courage to ask if they were paint as well, and knew he never would. It was not really his place to know, nor was it her wish to tell.
"You're back," he said as she drew closer. "How was it?"
She did not answer with words, and that was her way, her choice. The wind sighed around them, catching her long, raven hair and tossing it up and behind her. She sank slowly to the ground behind him and draped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder.
"You're headed for destruction either way. Does that result please you? Does it matter whether they are destroyed…or if it's you?"
One of her hands dipped lower, gently tracing the lines of his chest.
"It matters to me, at least. If anything should happen to you…if you should come back…changed, or not come back at all…it would be…wrong, somehow."
Her other hand came up to cup and stroke his chin.
"How can you be so calm about it? Don't you care what happens to you? Don't you care if I care what-"
She pressed a finger to his lips and slid into his lap. With one hand, she turned his face to the stars.
"You know it's not the same. Stars are meant to die, eventually. You're not a star."
She smiled sadly and nodded, stretching her thin, powerful arms to the night sky.
"You shouldn't be so ready to die. A true warrior fights without fear of or thought of death."
Her lips trembled, as if she were giggling silently.
"If you made the rule, you should be more than familiar with it. No more talk of dying. It's not as significant as they make it out to be."
She kissed his nose and then his forehead, leaving faint traces of crimson on his face.
"Please be careful with my sister. She is strong…but not in the same way."
She caressed his cheek tenderly.
"I know. I miss her, too…" He fell into her embrace and let her scent comfort him.