Hunting The Traitor

by FairyTale

Would Harry's life have been better if he hadn't lived with the Dursleys? Seven year old Harry Potter's world collapses within the blink of an eye, and now it's up to Remus to hunt down the traitor responsible for it.

21. Discovering Scars

First chapter of explanations for what happened begins. Again it is long, but I couldn't break it up otherwise.

This one is for Morgan D., with all my best. I think she's been waiting for both the explanations and for the second part of the chapter, and I hope it lives up to her expectations.

Enjoy!

Discovering Scars

Four days after he had woken up in the Hogwarts infirmary – and two glorious days after he had left that hell-hole and had returned home to his family, Janus walked down a corridor in the DMLE, deeply lost in his thoughts.

Actually, he shouldn't even be up yet, much less back at his working place already. At least that was what Madam Pomfrey had said, and it was also what his own wife had ordered. Doctors. He had not come here to work, though, and would not for quite some time to come. He had an official leave of sickness for the next four weeks, and for the first time in his life Janus didn't even consider protesting against it. He felt as if he could do with some rest right now. Not physically, though. Wizarding healing methods were very quick and effective in most cases, and despite the fact that his injuries had nearly been fatal Janus felt quite fine again. The wounds had healed nicely, the blood loss had long been compensated and as soon as he was sure that no further problems were about to come from his injuries he'd have the scars erased. Truly, he still felt a little stiff, sometimes his side stung when he made a sudden movement, and he tired more quickly, but that was nothing compared to how shitty he had felt by the first time he had woken up.

Nevertheless, Serena was fretting over him as if he was about to keel over any moment and so he was glad to come out of the house for a couple of hours. If he stayed at home he would only brood too much, and the fact that his father had questioned him repeatedly about what had happened between him and Remus didn't help, either. No, he had needed to get out for the afternoon, only now he wasn't all that sure whether coming here had been such a good idea.

He had spent the past fifteen minutes standing in Ryder's office, listening to his boss' rants about how stupid, irresponsible and generally unacceptable his behaviour in the case of Harry's kidnapping had been. Not to forget unprofessional, that had been Ryder's favourite word in his rant. Janus had stoically listened to him, not once disagreeing or trying to defend himself. He knew it was senseless, he knew that Lucas had probably gotten a far worse lecture already, and he knew that it didn't matter, anyway. At least that was something Ryder had agreed on after Janus had finally seized the possibility to tell his boss what he had come here for.

And now he was walking down the corridor to his own office, not really knowing what to think. Only a couple of weeks ago, the Ministry and the department of Mysteries especially had felt like his second home. He had spent a lot of time here, he knew most of the people who worked here, and he had always had the feeling that he knew what was going on here. Not everything, of course, but a lot of the things that were going on, and surely everything that concerned him and his partner.

But after what he had gotten to know that night in the Riddle House that feeling had vanished completely. His own partner had been working behind his back for months and he had not known it. Janus still didn't understand what exactly had happened, he still needed many answers from his partner, but he was not all that sure whether he truly wanted to hear those answers. There were enough painful things he had to deal with right now – including his own betrayal against his brother – he didn't know whether he could manage anything else.

But still he needed those answers, and he was on his way to get them. Breathing a deep sigh, Janus pushed the door to their secretary's room open and stepped in. He was not in the least surprised to see Maggie sit behind her desk, even though neither Lucas nor he had been in to work for the past days. After all, their cases had been taken away from them and they had not really started on the new ones they had been assigned before they had been brought to the Riddle House. Upon seeing him, Maggie nodded and smiled.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Lupin?"
Janus shrugged. "All right, thank you. A lot of things can be said about hospitals – and what they say about the food is mostly true – but the drugs are all right." For emphasis, he stabbed his index-finger forcefully into the place where his wound had been. "See? No pain at all." A grin spread across his face as Maggie grimaced as he did that. But he had not come here to tease his secretary.

"Is Lucas in there?"

He pointed at the office door and Maggie nodded. "He came in about an hour ago."

Janus breathed in deeply and walked over towards the door.

"If possible don't patch any calls through for the next time, I need to have a word with him."

Maggie nodded. "Sure, Mr. Lupin."

Lucas was sitting between his desk and the window, his chair leaned back so that it was balancing on its two back legs. Janus' favourite cactus, the one he had thrown against the wall in anger some days earlier, was standing on the windowsill again, its pot repaired. Lucas was levitating a paperweight in the shape of a snake around the ceiling. He didn't turn around as Janus entered, but then again he didn't need to. Janus knew that Lucas head heard him enter, and nobody except from him would enter their office without knocking or announcing themselves.

Janus walked into the room and leaned against his desk, silently watching his partner for a moment. He had not seen Lucas since the night in the Riddle House, but there again no surprise about that. Lucas was probably even more hesitant to enter a hospital than Janus was, especially when he had a choice. Janus didn't think that his partner had ever entered a hospital voluntarily and on his own two feet. Even at times when he had needed to be treated, he had always done his best not to be brought into one. So Janus had not expected him to come for a visit to Hogwarts, or even to his own home, and the fact that he had so easily found his partner in their office showed him that Lucas was not trying to evade him.

"I need some answers, Lucas."

Of course Janus had already drawn his own conclusions about what had happened, but he didn't like the results he had come up with and he needed to hear the truth out of his partner's mouth. And there were some things he still didn't have an answer to. Considering his momentary situation with his brother, some answers were desperately needed here.

Lucas levitated the snake-shaped paperweight back on Janus' desk and slowly turned his chair to face Janus. He didn't seem all that surprised about that request, and Janus had not expected him to be. They were partners, they knew each other better than that. Or so he had thought until a week ago.

"For how long?"

Lucas straightened his chair and began to twirl his wand in his hands, a sure sign that he was nervous.

"I've been trying to get a closer contact for about eleven months before they attacked your brother and took the kid."

Janus nodded and sat down on the chair behind his own desk. He had guessed something like that, though he didn't like the implications.

"So you've been the leak?" His voice rose, even though he tried to keep it level. "You've been the one who passed on all that information? Fuck Lucas, you know what happened in Azkaban, don't you? You've seen what happened to those wardens. Do you want to tell me you can live with that and still have a clear conscience?"

"You know we can't afford it to let our work interfere with our private life."

"Don't give me that shit, Lucas! This is not a Department press conference, you're talking to me here. You've passed on information to the Death Eaters and they raided Azkaban, isn't that so?"

Janus angrily rose from his chair, but Lucas merely watched him calmly.

"No", he simply said.

"Then tell me what the fuck is going on here, because I think I have a right to know!"

Lucas got up from his chair and sat down on the edge of his desk.

"It was official", was all he said at first.

Janus opened his mouth to say something, then he sank back down in his chair and shook his head as if he had not heard right.

"What?"

"It was official", Lucas repeated, then he got up and walked towards the window with a sigh. "Ryder approached me slightly less than a year ago, he told me that there were hints pointing to possible Death Eater activity here in England. He was worried that something might come out of it and asked me to try and re-establish my old contacts carefully. So I did. That was what Malfoy meant when he said I was sticking my nose into their affairs for months."

"And you paid with information for entrance back into their circle!", Janus shouted back. "Information that cost the life of quite a number of lives at Azkaban because you didn't warn anybody of what might happen!"

"No", Lucas repeated calmly, defeatedly even. "No, that's where you're wrong. Yes, I gave away information as a prize to get back into the circles Ryder wanted me in. But it was all classified, Janus. Whatever information I passed on, Ryder had to authorize it. There was hardly any leeway I could work with, only in case my life was in danger. And even then it was not much. You know how little the life of an Unspeakable counts here in the Department in those kind of situations."

He turned around so that he was facing Janus, his brown eyes staring into Janus' green-brown ones.

"I never said anything about Azkaban, Janus. I didn't give away any kind of concrete information on the wards, warden schedules or other security measures, and neither did I give away where they could get it from. That wasn't me."

"Then who? How did they know so much about the Azkaban security if you did not tell them?"

Again they locked their gazes. Janus was fairly sure that Lucas was not lying to him, yet there seemed to be too many secrets between them for him to be completely sure.

"When Azkaban was raided, I was just as surprised as you were, believe me. The next thing I did was that I went to Ryder, but he at first refused to see me and then, even as he did, refused to tell me anything. I think he simply didn't know anything either and didn't want to admit it, but he also didn't want me to search around. Probably was afraid that I'd publicly expose the fact that he didn't have any clues to pursue."

"That's why you investigated on your own, without anybody knowing about it." No matter what had happened over the past year that might have driven a wedge between them, Janus was fairly sure he knew Lucas well enough still to be right with this assumption. As if to prove him right, Lucas nodded.

"Yes, and if you had not taken Black's escape all that personally you'd have found out the same thing that I did."

Janus definitely was not in the mood to take those pointed hints, that was why his voice was sharp as he answered.

"And what would I have found out if I had not been worried about my brother's and nephew's safety?"

"Jennings and Capelli."

Janus frowned. Those names struck a chord, and usually he had a good memory for names and faces, but right now his mind was a turmoil of facts, thoughts and feelings and he knew exactly that it would cost him unnecessary time and strength to brood about those names now.

"Who?"

"Jennings and Capelli", Lucas repeated calmly. "The two murder-scenes we investigated before the Azkaban raid, remember?"

Janus nodded. Of course he remembered. Though those two investigations had been pushed into the back of his mind after everything else that had happened. "What do they have to do with it?"

"From what I know, everything. You surely remember that before the cases were closed and Ryder hushed it all up on Fudge's insistence, we didn't know what to make of it all? Two random Death Eater attacks with no traces leading anywhere."

Janus nodded, but another thought struck him at that moment.

"Did you know about the attacks?"

"What?", Lucas frowned, confusion mounting because Janus had torn him out of his line of reasoning.

"Did you know about the attacks? Did you know they were planned, were you there when they happened, did you know anything about them which you did not tell me during the investigation?"
Lucas stared at Janus for a long moment, looking as if he was waiting for Janus to tell him that he was joking. But Janus didn't. Slowly, Lucas shook his head.

"No, I did not know anything about the attacks. I wasn't told anything of importance, I didn't even have contact with people like Malfoy. It took me more then five months to get into a regular contact with the outer circles again, as far as they still existed. I wasn't as much trading information as I was giving it away for free, to prove my loyalty and my rank at the Ministry. It's not like back when I got initiated, they are extremely careful nowadays. Malfoy makes sure of that. So I didn't know anything before the attacks happened, and I didn't dare to ask too many questions afterwards."

Janus nodded. He believed Lucas, there was no sense for his partner to lie now.

"Can I come back to what I was trying to explain earlier?"

Again Janus nodded. "Sure. Jennings and Capelli. We didn't know what to make of it during the investigation, and to be honest I still don't know what to make of it."

"Then let me explain. Basically, we were just plain stupid. Blind. Unprofessionally overwhelmed by what happened in Azkaban and its implications. Call it whatever you like, but we should have seen it."

"Could you finally stop beating about the bush and say what you found out? Because I'm not in the mood for lengthy guessing games, you know?", Janus growled.

"When we investigated the Jennings and Capelli cases, we did the usual check-up, you know that. Age, profession, any reason why the victims could have attracted what happened to them. And we came to the conclusion that their muggle-connections might be the reason. One muggle-born witch and a muggle-wizard couple including their in-laws. We were wrong about that, I know that now. But then Ryder had the cases closed and the Azkaban raid came in between. Black escaped, you worried about your brother's security, Ryder was pressuring me to find out more about where the escaped prisoners went to, so nobody of us thought to connect the three cases. Though they're obviously connected."

Janus shrugged. "Two Death Eater attacks and a raid by Death Eaters. Of course they're connected, where's the news in that?"

"I found a couple of notes in my desk a couple of days ago. Notes I took early in the Jennings and Capelli investigations. Nothing really important as it seemed, actually I had completely forgotten about them, that's why I didn't put them in the case-files as Ryder had them brought to the archive. At first I wanted to throw the parchments away, there didn't seem to be anything on them worth keeping, but when I read them again something clicked. I wanted to tell you immediately, but you decided to break my wrist, kick me into my private parts and had the entire cavalry arriving instead, if you remember."

Janus only waved his hand impatiently, signalling that his patience was wearing thin and that Lucas should better be getting to the point soon.

"I found some general notes I made on the Jennings and Capelli cases. Age, family status, where they were working and so on. And that's when it struck me. Marcus Jennings was working in the Ministry main archive."

He said that as if it would explain everything, but Janus only frowned. He thought for a moment.

"I remember. But what is that supposed to tell me? I mean, it would not have helped the Death Eaters any to torture somebody from the archive for information, they don't know anything of importance. They keep the files, but nobody could find anything about the Azkaban wards or remotely important information there. Not without knowing where they're kept and how to get them. All files about Azkaban except from those about the prisoners are kept separately, you know that. It's nearly impossible to get any information about Azkaban if you're not working in the respective offices or have a permission by Fudge or McKinley himself."

He got up from his chair and started walking the room up and down, caught up in his thinking.

"How about that other case, the family? If I remember right the wife was a witch, and the other victims were her muggle husband and her muggle in-laws. Parents and grand-uncle, something like that."

Lucas nodded.

"How does that one tie in? I mean, obviously the muggles were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But what about Mrs. Capelli? I don't remember her working at the Ministry at all, that would not fit to what you're trying to tell me."

"I wasn't sure about Capelli at first, I have to admit. As you said, it didn't fit. Laura Capelli was working as a secretary at the school-governors board. But I had the feeling that something was not adding up, so I dug around a bit. And guess what I found out?"

Janus shrugged. "Tell me."

"She had only been working at the governors board for three months. And now venture a guess where she was working before?"

"The DMLE?"

Lucas nodded.

Janus shook his head.

"I don't remember anybody here going by the name of Capelli. Not now and not three months ago. I'm the first to admit that I have trouble remembering every secretary's face, there are just too many of them, but I'm sure I never heard the name Capelli before."

"What about Laura Stevenson?"

Janus stopped his pacing and stared at his partner with wide eyes.

"Wasn't she McKinley's secretary?"

Lucas nodded. "Exactly the one. She married three and a half months ago, therefore the change of name. She wasn't here long, only eight weeks before she quit. Didn't get along with McKinley, from what the file says. Our dear governor of Azkaban seems to have a tendency to hit on his secretaries, as it seems."

Janus didn't even want to know how Lucas had gotten hold of Laura Stevenson's personal file, he didn't really want to know. It might be better if he didn't.

"And now it suddenly adds up. Jennings and his wife get attacked and killed. Why, I don't know. Maybe some of the Death Eaters had false information, maybe they were convinced that a Ministry archivist would know about the Azkaban wards and where to get the information on how to bring them down. Maybe they only wanted to get out of him who would know about the wards, I don't know. And two nights later, Capelli and her family get tortured and killed. Capelli wasn't working long for McKinley, but as his personal secretary she simply had to know the procedures. How to get to the codes to take down the Azkaban wards, for example. After all, she witnessed the procedure every morning, she knew the details. So let's just assume that she gave away the details about the wards and the codes, then it would have been fairly easy for the Death Eaters to plan a way to get them. The Azkaban raid was a couple of days after the last murder, enough time to make a plan. And no attack took place after the raid, just as if they had served a purpose and now were no longer necessary."

Lucas stretched his back and sank down in his chair again.

"It's the only thing that makes sense, Janus. I've always said that the DMLE is too trusting. Everybody in our department knows bits about Ministry procedures we're not supposed to know. This is prison security, nobody except from McKinley and the wardens should have known."

Janus shook his head.

"The ones who code the wards always know, the secretaries always know, you can't prevent that. If not, McKinley would be taking care of the wards for the entire day and would not get anything else done."

But that didn't bother him at the moment. It made sense indeed, but Janus didn't know whether he cared about that anymore. What he did care about was something completely else, and he quickly found his anger rising.

"You should have told me, Lucas. Fuck, you've had eleven months to tell me, no matter what Ryder said. A lot of things would not have happened if you had only told me the truth!"

Lucas crossed his legs and sighed again.

"I could not, Ryder specifically forbid me to involve you into it. This was not a mission for which I needed a partner, having you know about it would have only made it far more complicated. And I know you would have done just the same in my position. Just because in the end your personal involvement gained the upper hand does not mean that all our rules and regulations are wrong all of a sudden."

Janus shook his head and both men lapsed into silence for a long time. A lot of things made sense now. Not everything, of course, but the things Lucas could help him clear up were forming a sharp image in Janus' mind now. And he knew that he had made the right choice earlier.

Janus looked at Lucas – who met his gaze squarely – for another long moment before he spoke again.

"I've spoken to Ryder earlier today", he finally broke the silence. Lucas nodded as if he was already guessing what was about to come next.

"I'm taking a leave of absence, another four weeks in addition to the four for which the doctors declared me unable to work. I need that time to get back on my feet and get my whole family affairs back under control. Serena and Julia won't be sad to have me with them more often, either. And there's a lot I have to think through before I can even think about going back to work."

"Like whether you can still work together with a partner who kept you in the dark and who downright lied to you for nearly a year."

There was no accusation in Lucas' tone, it was merely a statement. Janus shook his head.
"The answer to that question is surprisingly clear – no, I can't. We both know that we can't work together if we can't trust each other completely, and after all that happened that's simply no longer the case. The thing with being partners and friends at the same time simply doesn't work out, we should have known. And for me the main question right now rather is whether I can still work in the Department under those conditions."

"Sounds as if you had already made that decision as well."

Janus shrugged. "Maybe, I don't know yet. It's still all going around in my head and I need some more time to get it clear for myself."

He got up from his chair, gave a crooked smile and turned towards the door. "You see, a lot of unresolved issues and a lot to think about. And you know how it is – there's nothing more dangerous..."

"...than an Unspeakable who doesn't have his mind on the case", Lucas finished the old saying in the Department for him. "I'm still convinced that Ryder's got that one in a framed embroidery somewhere in his office."

"Lower left-hand drawer of his desk, right behind the photograph of his wife." A smile stole across Janus' face. It was surprisingly easy to fall back into their old behaviour towards each other, just as if the past weeks had not happened at all. But he knew that there was no way they could go back to their old working relationship after that, the lacking trust between them would rear its ugly head again as soon things got tough for the first time. There was too much at stake for him to risk that.

The two men looked at each other for quite some time.

"I'll give you a call, all right?" Inwardly, Janus sighed loudly. Merlin, this was like breaking up with a girlfriend. Or even worse.

Lucas nodded. "Sure. We might get an internal investigation at our throats for the whole catastrophe this case turned into, but Ryder said he'd do whatever he could to stop them from firing us."

Janus had expected the investigation, though he had not really brooded over it for long. And he really didn't care about it at the moment. Something else had him far more worried.

"What about Remus' custody case?"

Lucas frowned, seemingly surprised. "They're re-evaluating?"

"Not that I've heard. But I've spent a bit of time thinking about it and started worrying. From how they see it – and keep in mind that they did everything to keep Remus from getting the custody anyway – he lost the hope of the wizarding world to the Death Eaters and nearly allowed the child to get killed in their attempt to bring Voldemort back. Though they conveniently forgot to mention that the Death Eaters nearly had to kill Remus to get to Harry in the first place. I'm worried that they'll take this as a justification to re-evaluate the case and take Harry away from him."

Janus growled lowly, but Lucas merely watched him with an analyzing expression on his face which Janus could not completely identify.

"I'll see what I can find out about it, but I'm sure that they'd have already taken the kid if they were intending to discuss the custody again. Fudge knows he's up against Dumbledore on this one, he'll be careful about what he does. He depends too much on the old man's help, and if he started acting against Remus he'd inevitably have to start acting against Dumbledore as well. But I'll call in a couple of favours, see what I can find out."

Janus nodded. "Thank you, Lucas."

"No problem. How's Remus?"

"He woke up yesterday, and from what Dad told me he's already well on the mend. Harry was extremely glad that he finally woke up, though."

"How is the kid holding up?"

Janus shrugged. "Great, considering that he's a seven year old. He doesn't really understand the full impact of what happened to him, though. But it'll take some time till he's completely over it. He's a handful when he's clingy, that much I can tell you."

"It'll pass."

"Let's hope so, Remus is not at his best either. That Harry is so disturbed and scared seems to pull him down as well."

Again Janus shrugged. He didn't really want to pursue that line of conversation any longer. It would only lead to an exchange of platitudes, and next thing they'd be talking about the weather.

"We'll be in touch."

He turned towards the door to leave the room when Lucas' voice interrupted him once more.

"You know what?"

Janus turned once more from where he was heading towards the door and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I'd be surprised to see you working for the Department again."

"Why's that?"

"Aside from the whole issue about trusting your partner, you've changed too much from how you were when you came here."

Janus frowned and leaned against the doorframe, awaiting his partner's explanation.

"You were one of the best rookies we had when you came from France. Extremely talented, no scruples and the will to bend the rules. Devil may care, just what it needs to work in that Department. But that lasted only as long as you didn't care."

Janus was about to interrupt, but Lucas waved him off. "No, it's true. You didn't give a damn about the danger your job put you into, you didn't have anything to lose and that's why you were willing to take any risk. But somehow over the past years you've allowed yourself to care about others. You've gotten yourself a wife and a kid, you've let your brother and father closer to you. You started to care, and suddenly you had a lot to lose. It makes you think about what you do, you reflect too much about it. And maybe you'll start hesitating, maybe you won't immediately be willing to take drastic means where you would not have hesitated a couple of years ago. I know that, and I know you know it as well. You're too responsible to take that kind of danger any longer. It has happened before, the Department of Mysteries is hardly a place for family persons."

Janus smiled slightly.
"And only a couple of years ago I'd have cursed you for even daring to call me a family person."

"But now you don't. Could it be that I'm right?"

"I don't like to admit it, and I'm sure you'll never let me live it down, but I think what you said has some truth in it."

Lucas threw his hands into the air in mock praise for whatever deity was responsible for this small wonder. "I knew it! I knew that one day he'd say it, and it only took him a couple of years! My life finally has a new meaning."

Janus only shook his head and tried to suppress his smile.

"Bye Lucas."

Janus left the room. Outside, he passed Maggie's desk with a smile, feeling that at least a little bit of the weight had been taken from his shoulders. The brooding would come later. He was only wondering why the thing about 'no hard feelings' seemed so easy with Lucas and yet was so bloody difficult with his own brother.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

On Madam Pomfrey's insistence, Remus spent another night in the Hogwarts infirmary after he had woken up, something that didn't stick all too well with him. Of course he could have gotten himself released any moment, after all he was no longer a student at the school, but he had not forgotten his father's threat of tying him to the bed until he was declared completely healed. His father was just the man to pull such a threat through, and Remus would rather not experience something as humiliating as that. But he didn't enjoy spending the night there, because it left him with too much time to think. At home he would have been able to distract himself, he could have looked after Harry who was now staying with his grandfather, or he could have tried to catch up with the bookkeeping of the store, anything that would distract him from thinking about Sirius and Peter.

There had been no news when Dumbledore had visited him again later that evening, neither about Sirius nor about Peter, nothing that would have helped Remus clear up the turmoil of five years that was raging in his mind. Though if he was honest, his thoughts had circled about a couple of very simple thoughts for nearly the entire night, until he had fallen into an exhausted sleep in the early morning hours.

If Peter has been a Death Eater, no – if Peter had been the Death Eater, the one who had been betraying the Order and its members to Voldemort, then it could not have been Sirius. Peter had betrayed their cause, Peter had betrayed James and Lily, had orphaned Harry and had killed those twelve muggles in the London street. Sirius had not betrayed anybody. Sirius had not killed anybody. Sirius had been innocently imprisoned for five years. In Azkaban, the worst place in the entire wizarding world. And Remus had done nothing to help him, had not once doubted his friend's guilt. On the contrary, he had only thought about his former friend in loathing, had wished him an even worse fate and harsher torture than what Azkaban had put him through. Not once, not for one single moment, had he thought about what had happened under a different light. Not once had he tried to find a different explanation, one that would have explain the events of that fateful Halloween differently. He had been so quick to throw everything he knew about Sirius Black overboard, he had so willingly accepted the official explanations the Ministry had provided. How could he have been so blind? Merlin, what had he done?

Remus' sleep had not been restful or deep, those few hours he had grabbed after dawn had already begun creeping into the Hogwarts infirmary, and thusly his mood had not been at its best when Madam Pomfrey had woken him up at seven in the morning for another examination. Remus had never been able to understand why she could not perform them at a more humane time, but there was too much going on in his mind already for him to bother about that.

By the time his father had come for a visit at half past eight Remus had already received a clean bill of health by the school nurse, which meant he was allowed to leave Hogwarts that day provided that he gave himself enough rest for the next couple of days. Remus was glad about it, that gave him the chance to look after Harry, at home in a familiar environment. He only hoped that it was that still for Harry, that was one thing they needed to talk about. After all, the child had been kidnapped straight from his own room, and he had probably seen what Sirius had done to him downstairs in his study. If Harry didn't feel safe in his home anymore, he would have to find out and do something against it.

Before he left, however, Remus found himself feeling like a small and underage child again. Madam Pomfrey asked Richard into her office where the two remained for about five minutes, and though he could not hear anything Remus knew exactly that the nurse once more stressed how important rest was for Remus right now, making sure that his father had an eye on him once he was out of her clutches. It would have been sweet to see her worrying for him like that, but Remus didn't know if he could stand to have a fretting father as his constant companion for the next couple of days.

But all those thoughts vanished from his mind as soon as he stepped out of the fireplace in his house and found Harry running towards him, hugging him fiercely as if he didn't want to let go ever again. Remus crouched down and picked his godson up, carrying him over towards the sofa where he sank down with Harry in his arms. From the corner of his eyes he saw Serena coming into the room from the direction of the kitchen. He didn't know how much his sister-in-law knew about what had happened between Janus and him, but he guessed it was not much. He just could not picture Janus telling it to her. But still she too must have realized that something had happened between the two brothers, and Remus found that he didn't quite know how to confront her now. They had always gotten along very well with each other, but Janus was her husband. Remus didn't really want to pull her into their problems to top it all.

But still Remus was glad that it was Serena and not Janus who had babysat Harry while Richard had been away. Meeting his brother again was something he'd rather put off for as long as he could. First he would have to get Harry through his distress, then he needed to make up his mind about what had happened. Then he could contemplate facing Janus again. From what he guessed right now, that should be in about a couple of months. Maybe a year. As far as Remus was concerned, he was in no hurry.

But right now he pushed those thoughts from his mind, and after a quick smile at Serena which she returned, Remus focussed his attention solely on the clingy and still extremely traumatized child in his arms.

A week later, Remus had settled into his normal life again, into a daily rhythm that revolved only around Harry and how to make him comfortable. It had surprised Remus to see that Harry did not seem to have any problems with returning to the place from where he had been kidnapped. On the contrary, during the short periods when he was not following his godfather wherever he went, he stayed in his room as if it was the sole safe haven for him in the house.

But that did not mean Harry was his old self again. A lot of things had changed, and all that hurt Remus to see. The child was more silent than before, withdrawn from everybody close to him. He spoke when somebody talked to him, but he hardly started talking to anybody – about anything – on his own. That was a huge difference to how the child had been before, Harry had always been an active child who was constantly talking excitedly, showing and telling his godfather everything he considered worth mentioning. But no longer so. He also didn't show a lot of interest to meet his friends again, especially not if that meant to go over to their place and not stay at home. Richard, Serena and Janus visited him either daily or every other day, Eric and David as well as Claire and Martin had dropped by and even Albus Dumbledore had come to visit him twice. Whenever Janus was around, Remus did his best to make himself scarce, otherwise he hardly left Harry's side.

There were small changes though, small hints that it was slowly getting better, but Remus could already tell that it would take another couple of months before Harry would be over this. But he didn't cry that often anymore, he did not cling to Remus all the time, he had slowly taken up an interest in his old past-time activities again. Though the pictures he drew were more serious and less colourful than before he seemed to gain some of his old enthusiasm back. The day before, he had been flying for the first time since the kidnapping and as soon as his feet had left the ground Remus had seen all the tension and worries vanish from his face. For thirty minutes Remus had been able to relax, if he had not known better he could have imagined that the past two weeks had not happened at all. At that moment Remus had decided to let the child fly for as much as he wanted. If it only helped.

So far, Remus had been successful in avoiding any confrontation with his older brother, he had even avoided thinking about Janus and what had happened between them. As soon as his thoughts touched that topic, all the hurt, pain and rejection flared up again, and that was something he could not deal with just now. So when Janus came to see Harry, Remus always found an excuse to lock himself up in his study until he left again. And he told himself that he was quite content with that situation. If he didn't face it, it could not hurt him. But despite all his anger Remus was grateful that his brother dropped by to visit Harry. He knew how much Harry treasured those visits, and from the few glimpses he had gotten at Janus Remus knew very well that his brother was far from being physically fine again. No small wonder, considering that he had knocked on death's door only a couple of days ago. But as thankful as he was that Janus had survived, he didn't need to see him, not yet.

That was why he was not in the slightest prepared when the bomb dropped, a week after he had returned home. It was half past seven in the evening and he stood in the kitchen, preparing dinner for himself and his father. Richard had been flying with Harry for nearly the entire afternoon and the child had been thoroughly exhausted, so Remus had put him to bed early in the hope that he would sleep through the night.

Remus was standing at the kitchen counter, stirring around in a bowl when Richard came into the kitchen behind him.

"Janus will be coming over later."

Remus spun around so quickly that he spilled half the contents of the bowl in his hand to the floor.

"What? May I ask why?"

"I asked him to come over. I thought the two of you needed to talk. And Serena has problems restraining him to his bed, anyway, no matter that the doctors advised him to rest for another couple of days."

Well, at least Richard was being honest with him, though gratitude was not the strongest feeling Remus had at that moment. He placed the bowl onto the kitchen counter with a bit more force than necessary, angrily shaking his head.

"Stop meddling, Dad. I don't want him to come over, why don't you call him up and tell him just that, all right?"

"I'm sure Harry would want him here..."

"But maybe I don't!" Only when he saw Richard flinch at his words did Remus realize that he had raised his voice. He breathed in deeply and shook his head again. "Can you do me the favour not to talk about it? If Janus comes here, he can simply go home again and I for one don't really want to talk about all this anymore."

Richard got up from his chair and walked over to where his son was standing. Remus might have been twenty-eight years old by now, but as he looked at his father's face now he felt again as if he was ten years old and was in for a lengthy lecture. Without really realizing it he made a small step backwards and avoided looking into Richard's eyes.

"Remus", Richard said imploringly, his eyes asking his son to answer the question, "what happened between Janus and you? One moment everything was all right between you and now you don't even want to see him. This is going on for long enough now, for over a week you two have been avoiding each other. What happened?"

"Except from the fact that you're wrong and nothing ever truly was 'all right' between Janus and me? Except from being kidnapped and nearly killed, you mean? Except from the fact that my whole world was turned upside down more than once in a matter of hours and I maybe need some time alone to deal with it?"

"What happened?", Richard repeated. Remus felt anger rise up in him, anger that his father would not leave him alone, anger that he had invited Janus over without asking him first, anger that he always tried to meddle with their affairs and to mend things that were too torn to ever be mended. He tried to storm past Richard and out of the kitchen, but his father made a quick step towards the side and stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Remus, I finally want to know what is going on between you and your brother, and I surely will not allow you to run away from me now! The way you two have been behaving during the past days is not exactly easy to bear. I've just had enough worries during the past weeks, I could do with some rest. So what happened between Janus and you?"

"You want to know what happened? Fine!" Remus exasperatedly spread his arms for emphasis. "You want to know what happened between Janus and me? He pointed his wand at me. Janus threatened me with his wand because he believed that I was involved with those Death Eaters! We nearly got all killed – Harry nearly got killed – because Janus didn't trust me. Never did, and never will. So, now you know, do you feel better now?"

Richard stared blankly at his son, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly while he was shaking his head. He made a step towards his son but Remus moved away from him.
"Remus, what..."
"No Dad, please just leave me alone now. I don't want to see Janus now or anytime soon, please understand that and stop trying to turn us into something we simply aren't."

"Remus..."

Remus sighed wearily and shook his head. "Dad, please. Please just let that all rest until I am ready to even think about it. I don't want to spend my little strength fighting, I really need it for Harry and myself right now."

Richard watched his son for a long moment, then he nodded hesitantly.

"All right, if you think."

Remus nodded.

"Yes, I do." He didn't meet Richard's eyes, though. Remus was very well aware how much his father had worried throughout the last few weeks, how much everything that had happened had hurt him. But as much as Remus loved his father and as much as he was thankful for everything he had done for him, Remus simply could not talk about all this now.

After another moment of tense silence in the room, Richard turned his gaze away from his son and turned towards the door.

"I'll come over again tomorrow if that's all right with you. I promised Harry to go flying with him again."

"Of course it's all right." Remus gave his father a brief hug, they said their goodbyes, then Richard went into the living room and flooed home. Remus sank into a kitchen chair and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Of course his father was right, he would have to talk to Janus sooner or later, but he still preferred later. The more he thought about everything that had happened – and he thought about it at lengths every evening when he tossed and turned in his bed and could not find any sleep – the more he became aware that he didn't really want to have the upcoming conversation with Janus. He dreaded it, dreaded what their relationship would look like after that talk, because he knew that it would hardly get any better than it was now. And it wasn't really good to begin with.

With a sigh Remus got up and made himself some tea. There would be enough time for him to brood about everything later that day, now he needed to catch up on a lot of things. Claire had taken care of the store for the past weeks, and Remus would certainly not go to work for at least another week the way things looked now, but without his help there were too few people in the store to keep up with everything. So when Claire had dropped by again yesterday evening Remus had only too willingly agreed to do the bookkeeping for the time during which nobody had found the time to do so.

With a pot of tea and a sandwich Remus settled on the living room sofa with two stacks of parchment in front of him. Harry was asleep and probably would be for another couple of hours. Remus by now didn't dare to hope that he would sleep through the night without interruption anymore, not after all the nightmares Harry had had since he had been kidnapped. But still, those books would keep his mind off things before Harry woke up again.

An hour later Remus was still sitting on the sofa, so absorbed in all the bookkeeping that his earlier conversation with his father had completely slipped his mind again. That was why he was extremely startled when suddenly the fireplace in front of him activated, indicating that somebody was about to floo through. Remus knew that most probably no attacker would chose the noisy way through the fireplace, especially since it was very well protected, but still he got up from the sofa and drew his wand. Just to make sure, he would not take any chances where Harry's safety was concerned. Never again.

He immediately sheathed his wand again however as he saw just who had arrived in his living room, turned around and suppressed a curse. He should have known that his father would not tell Janus to stay away, he should have known. The man was simply too stubborn to do something like that, and convinced as he was that his two sons needed to talk it was no small wonder that he had not cancelled Janus' visit. Remus should have known, he should have blocked the fireplace just after his father had left. Not that this would have stopped his brother from apparating and walking the remaining distance, though, but it would have been a way to let Janus know straight away that he was not welcome here at the moment.

Janus stepped out of the fireplace just as Remus put his wand away again and made a hesitant, timid step into the room. They had not really spoken to each other ever since that night in the Riddle House, nothing more than short greetings at the beginning of each of Janus' visits. Of course Janus had seen Harry every other day, but then Remus had done his best to avoid any confrontation with his brother. Under any other circumstances seeing his brother this timid and also a bit nervous would have made Remus laugh, but right now he didn't particularly feel like laughing. Instead, he turned towards the kitchen door without looking at Janus' face.

"You can just as well turn around and floo back home now. I told Dad to call you up and tell you not to come, but obviously he conveniently forgot about it. Good Bye, Janus."

Remus walked back into the kitchen but he knew that Janus had not flooed back home because he did not hear the fireplace activate again. Well, he should have known. When it came to stubbornness, Janus was every bit their father's son. He had the inborn ability to ignore everything that could keep him from reaching an aim once he had settled on something. Remus, too, could be like that, though he would have denied it had anybody told him that.

In the kitchen, he turned around and leaned against the counter, watching as Janus came into the room behind him. He carefully raised his hands.

"All right, as you obviously didn't understand me I'll try again, in simpler terms this time. Go home, Janus. Do I have to draw you a picture?"

But Janus only shook his head and stepped fully into the kitchen. He half-sat on, half-leaned against the kitchen table, crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at Remus. Despite his self-confident posture, there was a somewhat timid expression on his face which Remus was not used to seeing there. Since their captivity in the Riddle House and the fight against the Death Eaters, the two brothers had not spoken to each other anymore, and Remus felt strangely gleeful as he realized that the past days had left their marks on his brother's face. Janus looked older, more tired and a lot more tense then it had been normal for him before everything had happened. There were some lines on his face telling about the pain he had been in and most probably still was in. Remus didn't know from which dark recess inside of him that gleeful feeling about this had emerged, but the fact that he somehow enjoyed seeing his brother in distress sickened him nearly as much as it entertained him.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"I had thought as much, but when I told you to leave I thought you would understand that I maybe don't want to talk to you."

"Remus, please..."

Remus shook his head vividly. "I said no. Can't you just for once in your life accept that other people might have a say in things as well?"

Janus didn't respond, he merely watched his brother for a long moment with a strange expression in his eyes. Remus didn't know exactly what to make of it, but as he was glaring at Janus anyway he didn't waste all that many thoughts on it. Finally, Janus uncrossed his arms and leaned his hands on the table.

"Remus, it can't go on the way it is now, we need to talk about what happened."

"Do we? Do we really need to talk about what happened? Well, Harry got kidnapped, we got trapped and nearly killed, you pointed your wand at me because you thought I was a Death Eater trying to kill my godson. That's what happened, we talked about it, can you go home now?"

"No. Listen Remus, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for everything that happened."

Remus didn't respond, and after a moment the silence became too uncomfortable for Janus to bear.

"I've been an idiot, all right? Doubting you was the single most stupid thing I could come up with, and right now I can't understand myself anymore. I'm really sorry."

Remus watched him silently for some moments longer, then he shook his head and turned his eyes to the floor.

"That's it?"

Janus frowned. "What do you mean?"

Remus became angry faster than he had ever become angry before.

"What I mean", he all but shouted, "is that you stand here and tell me you're sorry as if that would make everything undone again! But you are obviously unaware that sometimes 'sorry' simply isn't enough!"

Janus opened his mouth to reply something, but Remus cut him off with a quick and angry gesture. "People say they're sorry when they accidentally bump into somebody! People say they're sorry when they crash somebody else's broom! And then it's okay, but sometimes there are situations when it's simply not okay.

Janus, you pointed your wand at me. Your wand. You were willing to believe I was a Death Eater, or at least that I was working on their side. You were willing to believe that I would sell you out to them. That I would sell Harry out to them! And you seemed more than ready to hurt me because of that, to subdue me by force, for Merlin's sake! 'I'm sorry' doesn't even begin to be enough here, and it's rather sad that you don't seem to see that! So could you please go now?"

"So that's it?", Janus shot back. "You just expect me to get out of your sight and that's it? Remus, just by ignoring me your life won't jump back onto its axis again! What about Harry, do you want to keep me away from him as well?"

Janus didn't like to admit to himself how much the mere thought hurt. Janus loved Harry, he didn't want to be excluded from his life. Worry seized hold of Janus as he realized that he could not tell what Remus wanted from him. He did not know his own brother well enough to say if he wanted to keep him out of Harry's life or not. And that was the core of their problem, wasn't it? The fact that he didn't know his own brother well enough to fully trust him had made him raise his wand at him in the first place.

Merlin, was he really such a failure when it came to personal relationships?

"You just don't understand it, do you?" Remus spoke softly, but there was an underlying tone of menace in his voice. Janus nearly flinched as he saw the look in his brother's eyes.

"Don't understand what?", Janus shot back, not caring that he was about to admit defeat.

"This here is neither about you nor me, not anymore. It's about Harry, about his wellbeing and nothing else. Harry loves you, he positively adores you. Do you think I would hurt him by cutting you out of his life? I. Would. Never. Hurt. Harry! What is it that makes this so hard for you to understand?"
Janus opened his mouth to reply something, anything that would come to his mind spontaneously, but loud cries from upstairs interrupted any idea about replying to his brother's last remark.

"Remus! Remus! Noooo!"

Without wasting another glance at Janus, Remus immediately turned towards the door, hurried out of the kitchen and upstairs from where Harry's cries had come. He reached his godson's room in record time and opened up the door. He had expected Harry's nightmares to return like they did every night, though just like every night he had hoped that his godson would be spared from them. He didn't like to put Sleeping Spells on Harry, and Sleeping Potions were far too addictive to give them to a seven year old child. And so Harry unfortunately had to go through this ordeal over and over again.

Remus was not overly surprised to see Harry sitting up in his bed, all pale and shaken, his knees drawn up to his chest and tears running down his face. Remus was not surprised, but his heart clenched all the same in his chest. He simply could not stand to see his godson in pain.

In no time Remus hurried to Harry's bedside, sat down next to the shivering child and lifted him on his lap, holding him tightly.

"Remus", Harry sobbed, and buried his face in Remus' neck. Remus tightened his arms around the shaking boy and soothingly ran his hand through Harry's hair and along his back.

"Shhh, sweetheart. It's all right, you're back home and nobody's here to harm you. It's only been a bad dream."

Harry's sobbing didn't lessen and his shaking didn't subside either, but Remus knew that it was a matter of time until the child calmed down again. The fact that Harry was at least trying to sleep in his own bed again was already an improvement, the first few days after they had left the hospital he had flat out refused to spend the nights in another room than Remus. Of course Remus had had nothing against Harry sleeping in his bed, but he also knew that sooner or later Harry would have to sleep in his own room again. By now Harry already spent most nights in his own bed again, depending on when the nightmares occurred. Of course Remus always hurried to his godson's side to soothe when that happened, but if it was late and he had already been asleep himself, Remus merely picked him up and carried him over to his own bed. But today Harry had only been asleep for a bit more than an hour, that could become a bit more difficult.

"Shhh, pup", he repeated into Harry's ear and pressed a kiss onto his messy hair. From the corner of his eyes Remus saw Janus come into the room and sit down next to them.

Harry's sobbing was gradually becoming less, but Remus felt that he was still extremely tense and far from sleeping in again anytime soon.

"Don't let them take me again, Remus. Don't let the bad men take me again."

Remus bit his lip against the sudden pain that seemed to clench his heart together.

"I won't. I promise you I won't let anybody harm you again. I'm here and I'll take care of you, all right?"

Harry nodded shakily but didn't let go off Remus' neck. Gently, Remus rocked him back and forth and lowly hummed a lullaby into his ear. He didn't really pay any attention to his brother and thus didn't see the pained and helpless expression on Janus' face. Not that he would have cared all that much at the moment, his sole concern was for Harry. After a slight hesitation Janus stretched out his hand and stroke through Harry's hair and along his back, acting every bit as if he was expecting Remus to send him out of the room any moment now.

It took nearly half an hour until Harry had stopped crying completely and was only shaking ever so slightly. Janus knew that soon Harry would be sleeping again, though for how long would be anybody's guess. He stroke over the child's head once more, bent over and pressed a kiss on the messy black hair, then he got up from the bed, intending to give Harry and Remus a little time for themselves so that his brother could put Harry back into bed again.

Janus quietly left the room and went downstairs into the kitchen where he absent-mindly put some water onto the stove and pulled two cups out of the cupboard. Normally, Janus just like his father had kept his French roots and would prefer a coffee over a tea any time, but he was long married to a British woman by now. And maybe what people said was right and tea had a calming effect on people. He could definitely do with a somewhat calmed down Remus now.

Remus came down again maybe ten minutes later, running his hands wearily through his hair and over his face. All the exhaustion of the past days – or rather past weeks – could clearly be seen on his face, but Janus knew that his brother would not accept any help from him even if he offered it. Janus wordlessly placed a cup of tea in front of him and took his own cup over to the counter, leaning against it instead of sitting down on a chair.

"Harry is asleep again?"

Remus only nodded with a very weary sigh.

"Is it that bad every night?"

Remus closed his eyes and nodded, and when he looked up his eyes already told Janus everything he needed to know.

"Yes, though it's already gotten better. He at least tries to sleep in his own bed every night. But the nightmares are the same, it doesn't happen often that he sleeps through a night." He shrugged helplessly. "It'll take a lot of time to get him through this. But maybe you understand now why I simply don't have the strength to fight with you on top of everything."

"Remus..."

Remus only shook his head.

"No, Janus. Not here, not now. I can understand that Dad wants us to talk and will go any lengths for it, but he simply doesn't understand that there is nothing that any talking could still mend between us. I know I could never cut you out of Harry's life, and I don't intend to do that, but I need the distance now, all right?

Please just leave me alone with all those attempts to explain what happened, because at the moment it's simply far more than I can bear."

Remus looked at his brother imploringly, but it had taken Janus far too much inner struggle to come over here to simply give up now.

"Remus, I think we need to talk about what happened. Please. I know what happened has hurt you and that it's hard to even think about what could have happened, but I need to talk about it before I go mad."

Remus shook his head. "It's all about you again, isn't it? You need to talk about it, so I'd better be ready to talk about it as well, because it would be intolerable if Janus Lupin didn't get his will, now wouldn't it? But not this time, all right? Because I'm past the point where I still care about what you think, past the point where I would do anything to please you without thinking about myself. I thought things had changed, Janus. I thought that you had changed. But obviously you're still the same as you were before and I simply don't have the strength to fight against that anymore. I'm tired of constantly proving myself in front of you, Janus. Dad thinks everything can be mended, but let's at least be this bit honest to each other – there's nothing between us that can ever improve. You don't trust me, never have and never will, and I'm fed up with struggling for your opinion, recognition, love, whatever!

I'm just too tired for that, Janus, and I have Harry to think of. I'm sorry that you're stuck with a brother you can neither trust nor love, but we can't change that, it's just the way it seems to be and you will have to accept it. I will have to accept it."

Janus stared at Remus with his mouth hanging open before he caught himself enough to speak again.

"Remus, I don't know what you want to hear from me. I made a mistake, maybe the biggest mistake of my life. Yes, for a moment I doubted you that night. I allowed myself to be convinced of Lucas' reasoning when I should have known better. Yes, I should have known that if anything, you'd never do something to harm Harry, but I simply didn't think enough. I was just as overtaxed as you and Lucas were, I was worried, angry at myself and scared all at the same time. I simply did not think. If I could change it, I would. But it has happened and all I can do is try to explain it to you, try to tell you how sorry I am about it. It might never be enough, but you're not even giving me a chance!"

"Just like you never gave me one!", Remus shouted back. As he realized just how loud he had spoken, he quickly waved his wand towards the door and silenced the room so that they would not wake Harry again. Though he took care that he placed a one-way silencing charm so that he could still hear the child in case he woke up again. Then he turned back to his brother, his amber eyes blazing angrily.

"Don't talk to me about not giving you a chance, Janus, because you were the one who never gave me a chance!"

"What in Merlin's name are you talking about?"

Remus shook his head again and started to pace up and down the kitchen.

"What I'm talking about? I'm talking about this only being the tip of the iceberg! You really don't understand it, do you Janus? I'm not only talking about what happened two weeks ago, I'm talking about how you behave towards me every single day of my life!

Yes, it hurt me when you turned your wand on me that night, but that's not been unforgivable. But you've done the same thing over and over again, every day since I was five years old. Oh, you didn't point your wand at me then, you didn't need to. You had other ways of letting me know what you thought about me. Do you even begin to understand how much it hurt me to hear you say all the things you said back then? That you wished I didn't survive the full moon when I was only ten years old, that you called me a monster more often than I can remember, that you were willing to do anything to turn Dad away from me? Do you really think it didn't hurt me when you talked about me as if I wasn't there? Do you think I forgot how you told me that you wished I had bled to death the night the wolf bit me, that it would have been better and less painful for all of us?

I thought we had moved beyond that, Janus. I thought that we could behave normally towards each other by now, even if we'd never get really close. But you simply had to prove me wrong, didn't you?"

Janus shook his head with a completely befuddled expression on his face.

"You...you remember that? But...?"

"Do you really think I would forget my own brother telling me how much he hates me? How little he thinks of me? Of course I remember that, Janus. I remember each and every single time that I cried myself to sleep because of you. All I wanted was for you to love me, or at least to care a little bit for me. But whatever I did, I simply was never good enough for you, was I? You just never gave me a chance. And now I simply don't have any strength left to waste it on a senseless competition for your love and recognition, Janus. I don't think that you've ever changed from how you were back then, and I'll never be good enough to be the brother you've wished for. That's how it is, let's finally face it, we've been dancing around this realization for long enough! And now finally leave me alone!"

Janus bonelessly sank down into one of the kitchen chairs, his otherwise so sharp green-brown eyes looking slightly glassily up at his brother.

"What?"

Remus shook his head and weakly lifted an arm to point into the direction of the door. Now that he had finally let out everything that had accumulated for far too long already, he looked every bit as if this small movement was already more than his strength allowed.

"Janus, please..."

But Janus was not willing to back down all that easily. He slowly got up from his chair and walked over to his brother, who backed away from him as he approached.

"Remus, I was a child..."

"Don't start this with me, Janus!"

"But it's the truth! Fuck, I was nine years old and my life changed completely from one moment to then next, you don't really want to begrudge me for that, do you?"

This time Remus wanted to say something but Janus didn't give him the chance.

"Remus, I'm the first person to admit that I'm not perfect, that I've made mistakes in the past and am bound to make mistakes in the future. And yes, I might have told myself that I hated you in the past, but that doesn't mean that it is the truth. Remus, I...fuck, I was just a kid as well! There is no handbook for how to deal with your younger brother suddenly becoming a werewolf, all right? I never wanted to screw it up like that, because I do care for you! I care for you a lot more than you think!"

"Then tell me why!" Remus didn't care that he was shouting now and neither did he care that a tear was rolling down his cheek. Janus probably would not have noticed anyway as he was far too busy to try and keep his own emotions in check.

"Why? You want to know why I behaved the way I did? Remus, that's how children are. They are cruel at times, even to the ones they love. It wasn't only your life that changed over night. Of course, you were the one who had to bear the pain and the transformations, but I suffered as well. I lost my friends, I got beaten up whenever the other kids found out about you, I was the one who always got pushed aside in favour of you! After that wolf bit you, I could just as well have seized existing because all Dad cared about was you. Yes, I was jealous, yes, I was a mean bastard, but I was just a kid, all right? It was just as scared and hurt as you were, only I had nobody to lean on to. It was also my Mum who left us, and I have seen how much Dad was suffering from it. And I was helpless, I could help neither him nor you. I was your big brother and there was simply nothing I could do to help you. Whatever I did, it only hurt both of us and Dad on top of it as well. So I let it be. I stayed away from you as much as I could and none of us got hurt. I thought it worked.

Maybe I have done some pretty dumb things ten days ago, but please don't make the mistake of confusing that with what I did when I was just a child. Because whatever I did I never really wanted to see you hurt. You're simply wrong if you think that I don't care for you. Or that I don't love you. Just wrong."

Janus was standing in front of Remus now, his hands reaching out to touch his brother's shoulders but hesitant to actually establish physical contact. Remus didn't meet Janus' eyes, he kept staring at the floor, shaking his head and keeping himself balanced with his hands on the kitchen counter. He continued to shake his head as Janus stepped closer and screwed his eyes shut as if he was expecting his brother to strike him any moment.

Janus didn't know if it was the right or the completely wrong thing to do, but right now he could not simply stand here and watch Remus try to deal with the twenty-three years of pain and misunderstanding that was their relationship. He didn't give himself any more time to think about what he was doing, for once in his life Janus gave in to his instincts and made another step forward to try and wrap his arms around Remus. But as if he had crossed an invisible barrier, Remus immediately stiffened and stretched out his hand to ward Janus off.

"Don't", was all he brought out in a raspy voice and Janus immediately stopped in mid-movement. Remus shook his head a couple of times, worrying his lower lip with his teeth, then he lifted his head and opened his eyes again. Janus suppressed his urge to flinch as he saw the raw pain reflected in his brother's eyes. "I just can't take that now, Janus. Just...just leave me alone for a while. Please."

Remus didn't often show his moments of weakness in front of others, especially not in front of Janus, but right now he didn't have the strength left to hide how much he was hurting inside. "Just go", he pleaded.

Remus knew that whatever Janus was attempting to do, he simply didn't have the strength to fight it. He only hoped that Janus would understand it now and not force him to beg.

Janus made another move towards him. "Remus..."

"I said go!", Remus shouted and immediately Janus made a step back. For a long moment he looked at Remus, then he nodded slowly.

"If that's what you want."

Remus didn't answer, he was staring at the floor with his hands clenched at his side and tried to stop his hitched breathing from becoming open sobbing. Eventually, Janus turned towards the door and went into the living room. Maybe half a minute later Remus heard sounds from the fireplace, signalling that Janus had flooed home. As if his legs were not able to support him any longer, Remus sank to the floor as the first sob wrung free and the tears started to fall.

His mind was one huge mess of confused thoughts and hurt feelings, and Remus saw no way how to get all that cleared away anytime soon. He wanted to have this mess between himself and Janus sorted out, he wanted to keep Janus in his life. Not only because of Harry. Of course the child adored his uncle and Remus would never hurt Harry by keeping Janus out of the boy's life, but that was not the only reason why Remus wanted to have Janus around. He had learned to treasure his brother's presence in his life over the past years, he didn't really want him to leave like he had just done.

But Remus was simply hurting too much, he was too fed up with trying to be good enough for his brother to notice him. He could take a lot, but this simply had been too much. He didn't necessarily need Janus to show him openly and all the time that he cared about him, he didn't necessarily need them to be as close as brothers were supposed to. It would feel good to have that, but over the years Remus had learned how to live without it. But that Janus thought so little of him, that he didn't trust him at all had hurt Remus' inner core, had hurt him in a place he had thought to be immune against being hurt by his brother by now. And he just could not stand to be in the same room as Janus right now, no matter how sorry he said he was.

Sometimes, sorry simply was not enough.

Remus didn't know for how long he had been crying when he distantly heard the floo activate again. He heard it but didn't really register it, just as well as the footsteps which were approaching him slowly. Remus didn't need to look up to realize that it was his father kneeling next to him on the tiled kitchen floor as a pair of arms wrapped around him and pulled him against his chest. Richard had hugged and comforted Remus often enough in his life so that he didn't need to see him to recognize him.
Richard didn't say anything, he simply held his son tightly and waited for him to calm down a little. He had been at Janus' place spending some time with his granddaughter as Janus had returned from his visit to Remus. Of course Richard had also been curious as to how the conversation between the two brothers had turned out, though he had not had his hopes all that high that everything would clear up between them without any problems at all. When Janus had returned some ten minutes ago, he had been equally devastated as Remus was, though he showed it differently. It would take a different kind of thing to make Janus cry, but he had been clearly distraught and agitated, pacing up and down the living room without really paying any attention to what was going on around him. He had not listened to anything Richard or Serena had said to him, his mind clearly being somewhere completely else.

That was when Richard had guessed that if Janus was already this upset – though he refused to tell just what exactly had happened between him and Remus now – Remus had to be doing even worse. And the last thing Richard had wanted was Harry seeing his godfather in such a condition, so he had flooed over immediately.

Actually, Remus was doing far worse than Richard had imagined. It must have been years since he had seen his youngest this upset, but without thinking very much on how this would eventually turn out he simply held Remus and soothingly ran his hands up and down Remus' back. After what seemed like a small eternity, Remus stopped crying and simply remained in his father's embrace, drawing comfort from the proximity. There were some things he would forever mentally connect to hugging his father, no matter if it was from the time when he had been small or more recent. The smell of his aftershave which was still the same as it had been twenty years ago, the stubble on Richard's face which scratched slightly along his cheek, and above all the extreme feeling of comfort and protection he felt when his father was holding him. During those moments it didn't matter whether he was eight or twenty-eight years old, he simply knew that his father would still gladly give him those moments of comfort even if Remus was already fifty or sixty years old.

"Do you feel better?", Richard finally asked. Remus shrugged and withdrew slowly from the embrace. He wiped his eyes, but not because he was feeling embarrassed by how hard he had cried.

"I don't know. Did you ever have the feeling that you've screwed up, though you did the only thing you could live with?"

Slowly, both men got up from the floor and sat down at the kitchen table. Richard watched his son with extreme concern in his eyes, but he was not able to hide completely how much the whole situation between his sons was bothering him. Before he could answer Remus' question, Remus spoke again.

"It's hurting you, isn't it?"

It was a statement, not really a question, but still Richard nodded with a heavy sigh. "Yes", he replied honestly. "It has always hurt me and it's still hurting me, but I can hardly force you to pretend everything was all right between Janus and you just for my sake."

Wearily, Remus folded his arms on the table and let his head drop onto them. "I just screwed it up completely. Maybe I should have simply accepted Janus' apology and tried to forget the whole thing."

Richard reached out with his hand and squeezed his son's shoulder. "We both know that you would not be able to live with that. Janus has hurt your feelings, and you can only react to it like you feel it's right to do."

"But I don't want to continue like this. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to be angry with Janus, and I don't want to continue competing for his attention when all that ever comes out of it is something like that."

Remus looked up at his father from now red-rimmed eyes. "I love him, I really do, but he just never gave me a chance. Maybe I even love him too much, because I simply can't accept the way things are now, I simply can't stop hoping that our relationship might improve. I just can't stop hoping for him to...", he shook his head, swallowed and let his head drop onto his arms again.

Richard knew how Remus had intended to finish that last sentence before his voice broke, but he didn't know anything that could help Remus now. He was sure that Janus loved his brother, but he was also very much aware of the difficulties his older son had in showing that. Remus saw this behaviour as rejection, and Janus simply didn't realize how much Remus craved for his brother's love and recognition. What those two had was one big communication problem, what they needed was simply to wash all the dirty laundry for once, but none of them made the first step. And whenever he tried to help them along the way, he got told to stop meddling. But Richard was close to reaching his limit, he could not take much more of that, not after things had seemed all right over the past years.

"Remus, Janus loves you as well. It's just...he has built so many walls around himself over the years that he sometimes doesn't really know what he is supposed to be feeling about things. I know that I've made some huge mistakes where the two of you were concerned, but please don't give up on him just like that. Janus loves you, give him a chance. Take all the time you need to think through what happened between him and you, but don't just lock him out of your life just now. Janus has hurt you, and you have every right to be angry, but what is going on at the moment is hurting him as well as you, and it's hurting me. I don't want things to be like that."

Another tear rolled down Remus' cheek and he wiped it away with the palm of his hand. "I know", he said with a shaking voice. "I just don't know what to do next. Do you know how much I wanted to say that everything was all right earlier? I wanted to accept his apology, but it simply wasn't enough. I've always tried anything to apologize for what I am, for something I didn't even have an influence on, and tried to be good enough for Janus to love me, and he hardly ever even acknowledged my existence. And now he says 'I'm sorry' and I'm supposed to accept that without another word? It hurts, Dad. It simply hurts too much."

Richard turned his chair slightly and pulled Remus towards him so that he leaned slightly against his chest, his arm protectively around Remus' waist.

"I know." There was nothing more he could say, nothing he could tell his son that would soothe the pain Remus was going through now, but Richard had the feeling that with enough time things would maybe finally fall into place for their family. If Remus and Janus would eventually manage to clear up all the shit between them that had accumulated over the years it was possible. And right now might be a good time to bring up all the things that had gone wrong between them, as strange as that might sound even as Richard thought it. In the meantime he would simply do his best to be there for Remus and Janus if they needed him. Of course the thought that his sons had those problems hurt him, it hurt Richard horribly, but once more he would push his own hurts aside to support his sons as much as it was necessary.

He had thought that it was a good idea to confront the brothers with each other even if they did not want it, but it obviously had not been a good idea at all. He might have known that things could turn out like that, but there had been a small bit of hope driving him to pull this confrontation through.

Richard suddenly felt horribly old. He simply didn't know if he had the strength left to go through something like that again.