Perception

A week later Remus found himself walking up the corridors and staircases of Hogwarts castle once more. This time, however, he had absolutely no intention to visit the infirmary, he had had enough of that part of the castle for the next couple of years, thank you very much. Instead, he was proceeding towards the headmaster's office. Albus Dumbledore had called him through his fireplace earlier that morning, asking if he had time to come over, and Remus had agreed.
Even though Harry's kidnapping and Remus' own injuries lay more than two weeks in the past now, he was not yet back to working full time again. He visited the store occasionally, did most of the bookkeeping at home, but going fully back to work was something he'd only do when Harry was completely over everything that had happened and back in his usual daily rhythm. By now the child still refused to go to school, or rather, he refused to do anything that would separate him from his godfather for the bigger part of the day. It was a muggle school Harry was going to, and he didn't necessarily need to go there. Wizarding children were in most cases home-schooled anyway before they went to a boarding school. And so Remus had decided to give Harry some time off and had taken him out of school for the time being, and if it took the child that long to cope with what had happened, he was willing to let that arrangement run until Christmas. After that, Remus was convinced that Harry needed to get back to his usual circle of friends and school, and he spent a couple of hours every day going through his exercises with Harry, so that Harry would be able to keep up with his classmates once he returned to school. But at the moment that arrangement suited both Remus and Harry fine, and Remus was glad that every day the child showed small traces of coping a bit better with what had happened to him.

After climbing another staircase and walking down another corridor Remus finally reached the stone gargoyle at Dumbledore's office entrance, gave the password which the headmaster had told him this morning and stepped onto the moving staircase towards the old wizard's office. Dumbledore bid him to enter immediately after he had knocked, and rose from his chair behind his desk to greet Remus.

"Ah, good afternoon Remus. I'm glad that you could arrange to come."
"Good afternoon, Albus. It didn't take all that much arranging, seeing as there is hardly a daily schedule I have to keep to for the most of it."

Dumbledore nodded and gestured Remus to sit down on the sofa that stood along one wall. He himself took an armchair next to it and sat down, pouring both of them some tea.

"I see. How is Harry?"

Remus accepted the cup and shrugged slightly.
"It's getting better, but it's a slow process. By now he sleeps through the night occasionally, and he doesn't panic immediately when I'm not around and he doesn't know where to find me straight away. But he is still extremely wary of everything out of the ordinary, and no matter how much I talk to him about what happened, it still scares him deeply."

Dumbledore nodded, thoughtfully sipping his tea.

"I see. But I am convinced that you will be able to help him through this. Should there be anything you need, you know you only have to ask."

"Thank you, Albus. But at the moment I think it only needs time, and I'm afraid that there isn't much you can help me with that."

"Indeed", Dumbledore chuckled. "May I inquire as to where young Mr. Potter is at present?"

The mirth in Dumbledore's voice brought a smile to Remus' face. He knew that the old headmaster had a good idea about Harry's possible locations.

"I left him with Hagrid before I came up here, but only after he promised not to go into the Forbidden Forest with him under any circumstances. Hagrid is able to get him into enough trouble as it is even without the forest."

Dumbledore smiled.

"And he had no complaints about being left with Hagrid?"

"None at all. I imagine it's hard not to feel completely safe in the presence of somebody who is three times your own size. He trusts Hagrid enormously."

No small wonder there. After all, Hagrid had been a constant companion for Harry ever since he had started to live with Remus. An occasional constant companion, they hadn't seen each other on a regular basis, but often enough for Harry to develop an extreme liking for the Hogwarts gamekeeper. Remus still remembered the first hesitant letter the giant man had written him after he had gotten to know about Remus' victorious custody struggle. Hagrid had asked if Remus had anything against him visiting the child occasionally, after he had settled in at Remus', of course. And of course Remus had only too willingly complied. Only too well did he remember how much Hagrid had been taken with Harry when he had still been a small baby. The Marauders had always gotten along very well with Hagrid already during their school time, and even during the time of the war the contact had never really broken off. And after Remus had taken Harry away from the Dursleys, he had not had any intention of changing that. So Hagrid had been a constant companion of Harry's during the past five years. He had visited at Harry's birthdays or in the days afterwards, and when Remus and Harry had been at the castle they had paid a visit to Hagrid's hut nearly every time. The child had learned to trust the huge but soft-hearted man over the years, so much that even now after all the distress he still felt safe in his presence.

Which of course helped Remus now as it enabled him to speak to Dumbledore without disturbance. Only, he didn't know what the old wizard wanted to talk to him about. But he would not be left in the dark for much longer, Dumbledore had never been one to beat about the bush.

"I visited Sirius yesterday."

Remus should have known that something like this was about to come, yet he had not really been prepared for the onslaught of emotions - mostly guilt – that followed this statement. Remus had become a master in the art of pushing aside during the past days and weeks. Janus, Sirius, all those problems he had pushed aside in favour of caring about Harry. They would catch up with him sooner or later, but he wasn't prepared for it yet. Still, it seemed as if he had to deal with one of them now.

"How is he doing?"

Dumbledore leaned back and watched Remus calmly for a moment.

"Physically, he is as bad as can be expected after the past years. His condition is stable, but those years of imprisonment and malnutrition have left their marks. But the healers are still far more worried about his mental condition."

"You said as much when we last talked about him." Remus swallowed hard. "What...do they know anything yet? I mean, if he'll recover?"

Dumbledore sighed heavily.

"He's been examined and cross-examined for the past two weeks. There are some improvements, though they are small as of now."
"What does that mean?"

Again, Dumbledore thought for a moment, as if to decide whether he should tell Remus something or not. Finally, he seemed to come to a conclusion.

"When Sirius was arrested and brought to St. Mungo's, he was anything but lucid. I told you that. What I didn't tell you was that he was pretty agitated. To be precise, he was raging, and that rage was directed at you, and you alone."

Remus nodded.

"I've been thinking about that. I mean, when we met at the Riddle House I wanted to hurt him, I probably wouldn't have shed a tear if he had dropped dead at that moment, but that was mostly because I thought he had killed Harry. And James, Lily and Peter." He shook his head and held it between his hands as the confusion about all those events flared up again.

"But Sirius seemed to feel nearly as much hatred for me as I felt for him. That night I hardly paid any attention to it, but afterwards I couldn't help but wonder. He called me a traitor and did his best to harm me in any way possible for him without a wand. I can't explain why he behaved like that, and neither why he thought Harry was dead."

"Before I visited Sirius, I spoke to his mind-healer. It was a rather long conversation, as Sirius' case seems to be far more complicated than what they usually have to deal with at St. Mungo's, but it bore some interesting revelations.

For one, the healers are quite certain that Sirius' mind was quite undisturbed until very recently."

"Meaning?", Remus frowned.

"Meaning that the process of memory-charming him did not begin until a couple of weeks before his escape. Of course the healers can't determine what state exactly his mind was in before that, but they suspect that being in Azkaban did not influence his mind as much as it did other prisoners."

"He didn't go mad", Remus concluded. Dumbledore nodded.

"As far as the healers are able to say, that is their assumption, yes. So Sirius' rather mindless rage that night was caused by the rather large number of memory charms placed on him in the meantime. My conversation with Sirius himself was very short, as he is extremely exhausted from his treatment at the moment, but combined with what the healers told me I think I now know a bit more about what happened to him."

Remus crossed his legs and ran his hands though his hair. Did he really want to hear this now? The answer was yes, he craved to finally learn the truth, only he didn't know if he could stand it. But Dumbledore didn't wait for Remus' agreement to continue.

"Seemingly, the first Memory Charms were placed on Sirius three to four weeks prior to the Azkaban raid, that much the healers could determine with near-certainty. Remarkably, he seems to have broken through those charms rather easily."

Remus frowned. "Why should that be remarkable? Sirius has always had a huge strength of mind."

"Don't forget that at that time he was in Azkaban for five years, Remus. The presence of Dementors, as I am well aware you know, does influence that strength over such a long period of time."

"I do know that. Maybe...well, I am not sure of course, but maybe that was because he is an animagus. I don't know what kind of influence Dementors have on animals, but I don't think it's as bad as it is with humans. Sirius always, well...when we were at school, and they learned to become animagi, he always said how different it was to be a dog. Maybe it works both ways, that Dementors have a different effect on animagi than on humans. And if Sirius had enough strength to change at times", he shrugged, not really knowing if this kind of speculation was what Dumbledore had asked him to come for. The old headmaster watched him interestedly for a moment.

"An interesting line of thought, one worth pursuing once Sirius has regained some of his mental strength. But however it happened, the fact that Sirius managed to break though those charms is a remarkable achievement."

"Unfortunately, there surely were people to replace those charms once he broke through them."

Dumbledore nodded.

"That is true. The healers have a couple of methods in finding out what exactly was done to Sirius, but of course it takes more time. From what they could tell me already, it wasn't only that somebody tampered with his memory. It wasn't like in your case that a certain time-span was erased from memory, the healers are convinced that a lot of false memories have been planted in Sirius' mind."

Remus leaned back and let that information sink in for a moment.

"What does that mean?"

"That means as long as the healers have not completely sorted out which of Sirius' memories are true and which are false – if such a thing can be done at all – we will not know for sure what exactly happened five years ago. Did Sirius believe Harry to be dead already back then? Did he consider you responsible for it all somehow? Those are things we really won't know until then. Or until we can determine a purpose as to why the Death Eaters would have wanted to implant certain memories in his mind. And who did it."

"So what you want to say is that some time before the raid somebody started placing false 'memories' into Sirius' mind, for a certain purpose. And then Azkaban was raided, Sirius escaped, and then what? I'm afraid I don't understand it."

Dumbledore thoughtfully took another sip of his tea before he continued.

"I have the strong suspicion that Sirius' escape was not exactly planned the way it happened. After all, where would be the sense in tampering with his mind if he then ran free to break through those Memory Charms in time? No, I rather suspect that it was planned for him to be taken, along with the other Death Eaters who were freed, but somehow he managed to escape."

Remus frowned. "But still I don't really understand."

"Think about it, then it makes some sense. At least on a completely theoretical basis, because as I said, it's still speculation only. But what was it the Death Eaters wanted above all else?"

"Harry", Remus growled, his anger mounting beyond his ability to control it. Dumbledore nodded.
"Yes, Harry. To bring Voldemort back. So whatever they did, they did it to get hold of Harry and ultimately to resurrect their master. And of what use could Sirius be of them there?"

"He knew me. Knows where I live, knows my family. And...", Remus stopped and his eyes widened. "Did the Death Eaters know that he was an animagus?"

"I assume they did. Mr. Pettigrew did, in any case, so I think it's safe to assume that he told about it. And what better way to get hold of Harry despite all the protection around him than taking somebody who could slip through nearly all possible wards without being noticed? Somebody who in addition to that also knew you well enough to judge about your possible reactions."

Remus realized that Dumbledore had not called Peter by his first name as he had always done. Maybe that was the old wizard's way of distancing himself from his former pupil who seemingly had betrayed them all so badly. He swallowed hard. "It makes sense, somehow. But if Sirius escaped the Death Eaters, then how come he did attack me?"

"They caught up with him again. The mind healers told about some very disturbing images they saw in the pensieves they used on Sirius. But if they had to catch Sirius again then it would explain why so much time passed between the Azkaban raid and the attack on you and Harry."

Remus breathed in deeply. Of course it made sense, and of course Albus had already told him earlier that it had in fact been Sirius who had kidnapped Harry and nearly killed him, but no matter how often he heard it or told it himself, the shock about it remained the same. But as much sense as all what Dumbledore had said made, it still didn't add up in the whole picture Remus had in mind.

"But still. I mean, I can accept that this happened to Sirius, and that it eventually drove him to attacking me and kidnapping Harry. The house was not warded against animagi, so he could easily got through the wards. Well, he would have anyway because the wards Janus put up reacted to the Dark Mark, and if Sirius never was a Death Eater then he doesn't have one. But anyway. Sirius was memory-charmed, put under Imperious and broke into my house. Where did he get a wand? He didn't have one when we encountered at the Riddle House, otherwise he'd have used it on me.

And after the Death Eaters had gotten hold of Harry, why did they send me a portkey? I understand that Janus' coming along was not planned, but they definitely wanted me there. And Lucas Spalding, why he was brought there still isn't all that clear to me either."

Dumbledore thought for a moment.

"I imagine somebody gave Sirius a wand when he was sent out to take Harry. They would not have left it with him, however, just in case Sirius managed to break through the charms. After all, Sirius was a very powerful wizard before he was sent to Azkaban, Mr. Pettigrew surely has not forgotten about that. Having him with a wand would have been too big a risk in case some of his memory returned. I can only speculate about Mr. Spalding, but we bother know that he carries the Dark Mark. And though the Death Eaters took him captive for some reason, I'm sure it has not all that much to do with why you were taken there. It seemed like a rather...personal matter."

"But still – why me?"

Dumbledore sadly shook his head.

"During his interrogation Mr. Pettigrew was asked exactly the same thing."

"And what did he say?"

"I think his words were 'it was supposed to end now'."

The words sent a strange chill down Remus' spine, but he could not make sense of them.

"What did he mean?"

"Sirius was supposed to kill you when he took Harry. And once he had fulfilled his task, the plan was to dispose of Sirius. Mr. Pettigrew would be the only one of you who was left."

"The one Marauder who had survived us all."

Dumbledore nodded.

"The inconspicuous, nondescript Peter Pettigrew surviving those who were always considered more powerful, more intelligent and generally more apt to make a successful living on their own than he was. He seemed obsessed with the thought of outliving you all, of being the last one of you to survive."

Remus laughed harshly.
"If that's what you define successful living. I don't know if I would. I still can't imagine that it was Peter that night. That night, and five years ago. I honestly can't imagine that it was Peter at all."

"That was maybe why he was so successful as a spy during the war. We all forgot too easily that Voldemort often reached for people like him to get to those he really wanted."

"Where was Peter during the past five years?"

Dumbledore shrugged.

"Nobody can say that for sure. He was here and there. The only thing he told us was that he tried to hide in the wizarding world for a while directly after the war. To stay within reach of news, so that he would get to know it when things turned and it was safe for him to resurface again. But then it seemingly got too dangerous and he fled England. The only thing else we know for sure is that he somehow managed to find his master again, in Romania of all places. Voldemort seized the chance and took hold of Peter's body. I imagine it was difficult to travel back inconspicuously for them, but they managed. With a body at his disposal, though not his own, Voldemort could finally plan his return. He began contacting what was left of the old inner circle and devised the plan that finally brought you all to the Riddle House."

Remus nodded, thinking this through again.

"But still, if Sirius was supposed to kill me, the question remains why he didn't."

"Maybe he thought you were dead, but given Sirius' knowledge about your lycanthropy and his magical training before his imprisonment I would not say that. He conjured and threw dungbombs to cover his trace, but the only one who would have been able to smell him were you. He needn't have done that had he considered you dead. Maybe he couldn't kill you, maybe seeing Harry triggered something in his memory, I don't know. Sirius always had a strong mind, I am convinced he'd have been able to at least partly break through the charms and spells. So when Sirius did not kill you that night, they had to think of a new way to do complete what Sirius failed to do."

Remus nodded.

"They sent me Harry's stuffed lion, convinced I would touch it before I had much time to think it could be a trap. Because it would have been far easier to kill me once they had taken me away from anybody who could have intervened."

"Yes."

Remus still shook his head in disbelief. It all sounded so surreal, not at all like something which had only recently happened to him and his family. He fidgeted a bit uncomfortably.

"Do you think it would be wise if I visited him?"

It was incredible how hard it was for Remus to bring those words to leave his mouth. He didn't know if he really wanted to see Sirius – or what had become of him – or if he was only doing this to calm his own guilty conscience. But maybe Dumbledore would advise against it anyway, then at least Remus would feel a bit better about evading his former friend. Not that Dumbledore could make that decision for him, but Remus had always valued his advice. But Dumbledore only frowned slightly, a bit startled at Remus' sudden shift of topic back to his old friend.

"Sirius? I don't know how wise it would be to visit him right now, Remus. Only two weeks have passed, he is still far from being in a stable condition again, be it mentally or physically. I'd advise you to talk to his healers, but from what I have seen during my visit I'd say it's not advisable at the moment. Give it some time, until he is aware of what he has done and what has been done to him. If you allow me, I'd say you could need that time as well."

Remus leaned back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling.
"I let him rot in Azkaban, Albus. I was out here, free and raising Harry – enjoying my life, for Merlin's sake – while he was tortured and tormented in that hell-hole. I did nothing to help him, not once did I doubt that he had done the crimes he had been committed for. I don't know if I even have the right to bother him with my presence."

Dumbledore looked at Remus for a long time before he sighed and got up from his chair. He walked over to Fawkes' perch and stroke the magnificent bird slowly for some long minutes.

"That I cannot tell you. And neither can I forgive it. That's an absolution only Sirius can give you. And me. The point will come when we all will have to ask for his forgiveness for contributing to what was done to him, until then we will have to wait and see."

Remus knew that Dumbledore was right, but nevertheless he had hoped that his former headmaster would be able to tell him something that would ease his mind. Of course, nobody had believed in Sirius' innocence before the events of the past weeks, nobody had doubted that he was rightfully imprisoned, but Remus felt especially guilty. He had not been a distant acquaintance, a former teacher or headmaster or colleague, he had been one of Sirius' friends. Sirius had done so much for him, had given him so much during their time at school, he had owed it to him to believe in that friendship. Instead he had cast it aside as if it was nothing.

A hand on his shoulder startled Remus out of his thoughts, and he was surprised to find Dumbledore standing next to him. He had not even heard the old headmaster approach.

"We cannot change the past, Remus. What is done is done, and all we can do is ask for our mistakes to be forgiven and allow them to make us stronger."

Remus nodded wearily and got up from the sofa.

"You are right, as always. Thank you Albus, for being so open with me. I'd better go and get Harry before Hagrid gives him some rock-cakes and I have to take him to the dentist again. I'd rather spare myself that drama at least for once. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Remus. I'll come to visit Harry the next weekend, if you don't mind."

"Of course not. Until then."

Remus gave another nod at his former headmaster and left the office.

Remus brooded over the things Dumbledore had told him for the better part of the next week. It was simply hard to accept, so very hard, that all the shards he still had to collect up had once been his life. He thought about Sirius a lot, and for the first time in more than five years he allowed himself to think of the good times they had, to think of their time at school and the close friendship they had developed. Those memories still hurt, but it was a different hurt than it had been before. Not so much painful, but rather a longing to have those times back. Which he couldn't, he knew that. He didn't even know if he'd have the strength of character to confront Sirius once it was possible. But that was still in the distant future, at the moment his friend's condition did not allow Remus to visit him. He had asked at St. Mungo's, after an hour of contemplating whether or not to place that call at all. He had indeed been a bit relieved as the nurse told him that Sirius would not be able to receive any visitors for the time being.

But no matter what Remus did, those thoughts always came up again once he had a couple of quiet moments for himself. Which was the case at the moment, because Harry was upstairs in his room, doing some math exercises. Remus had seated himself on the living room sofa with a book he had wanted to read for weeks now, but he hadn't opened a page yet. But just as he tore himself out of his musings, he heard steps on the stairs announcing that Harry was finished. Remus was glad for the distraction. Harry would probably want to go flying again, and at the moment Remus was even willing to get on a broom himself just to keep from brooding about Peter and Sirius.

A moment later Harry entered the living room, but to Remus' surprise the child did not wear his boots and jacket, and neither did he walk straight towards the door to the garden. No flying today, as it seemed. Instead, he went over towards the sofa, wordlessly pushed one of Remus' legs out of the way and sat down.

Harry was still more clingy than he had been before the kidnapping, he seemingly needed the physical reassurance that his godfather was there and would not let anybody harm him whenever he could get it. So now he cuddled close again, leaning his back against Remus' chest until his godfather wrapped his arms around the child and soothingly began to stroke his hair. But Remus had the feeling that right now this was more than the need for a good long cuddle, something was weighing on the child's mind and Remus was a bit anxious what that could be. But he'd give Harry some minutes to start talking on his own before he'd ask any questions.

"Can I ask you something?", Harry indeed asked after a couple of moments.

"Sure you can", Remus answered, not stopping his tender ministrations.

Harry hummed and hawed for another long moment, and Remus wondered with a frown what all this could lead to. Finally, Harry reached for Remus' right hand and intertwined the fingers of both of his small hands with Remus' before he began to speak.

"Was Uncle Janus mean to you?"

It took Remus a moment to overcome his surprise before he was able to answer.

"Why do you think that?"

Harry shrugged. "Because you don't talk to him when he comes to visit me. And when Eric put that dungbomb in my schoolbag last summer and I was angry with him, I didn't talk to him for a whole afternoon. But Uncle Janus must have played a really mean prank on you, because you're not talking to him for longer now."

He should have known that Harry would realize something amiss, he should have known. But what to do now? Harry had a way of asking questions, no matter about what, which mostly left Remus desperately searching for the right answer, if there even was something like a right answer.

"Janus didn't play a prank on me, Harry."

"But you don't talk to him. Why?"

Remus sighed.

"Because he did something I didn't like, something that hurt me and made me angry."

"Didn't he say he was sorry?"

"Yes, he did."

Harry frowned. "But if he said he was sorry, then why are you still angry?"

How in Merlin's name was he supposed to explain that to the child? But Harry didn't wait for an answer.
"Uncle Janus is sad."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I know it. He is fun when he visits me, but not as much as he was before. He looks sad when he comes here. And I don't want him to be sad. I liked it better when you two were talking to each other, that was a lot more fun."

Remus sighed and pressed his face onto the top of Harry's head. Of course it had been a lot more fun when he and Janus had still been on speaking terms. And Remus wanted those times back, and badly so. He wanted to have a normal relationship with his brother, he desperately craved the silent knowledge that his brother cared about him. That Janus loved him. Remus had been just one step away from giving in to Janus' attempt to hug him some days earlier, one step away from pushing everything that had happened aside in favour of superficially mending their relationship. But something had held him back. He had known that it would be the wrong thing to do, that he would regret giving in very soon. He simply had not been able to do it, though he had desperately wanted to. But how should he explain something to Harry if he didn't really understand it himself?

"I'm afraid that it's not that easy, Harry."

"Why not?"

"It's not easy to explain. I taught you to say that you're sorry when you've done something wrong because I wanted you to understand that what you did might have hurt somebody else."

Harry nodded, sticking out his lower lip and chewing at his upper lip in concentration to follow Remus' words.

"And I taught you that because I wanted you to see that a small mistake can already hurt a person, so that you don't make the bigger mistakes in life. The ones that really hurt the people around you. And those are the ones where it's simply not enough to say that you're sorry."

Harry turned slightly so that he could look into his godfather's eyes.

"Uncle Janus made such a big mistake?"

Remus nodded. "Yes, he did."

"When the bad men took me away and you came to bring me home?"

Again, Remus nodded, still running his hand through Harry's hair. "Yes, that's when it happened. But don't worry too much about that, all right?"

Harry shook his head.

"But I don't understand it. Will you never speak with Uncle Janus again?"

Remus sighed, lifted Harry up and turned him around so that he could look into the child's eyes.
"I'm angry with Janus, and I'm sad about what he has done, but I don't know what will happen between him and me. I don't really know it. You know pup, though you might think so, I don't always know what to do or what will happen. And right now I don't know what will happen."

He was startled to see tears forming in Harry's eyes, surprised because the child had not cried all that much during the past days. And though there was a strain between Janus and him, he had not thought Harry would feel it that strongly. But Remus often forgot how perceptive Harry was for a child of his age. Quickly he wrapped his arms around Harry and pulled him close.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"I don't want you and Uncle Janus to fight because of me."

Remus was startled and it took him a moment before he could speak again.

"Harry, we're not fighting because of you."

"Yes, you are! You're not talking with him since the bad men took me, you said so. If I had not let them take me, then you would still talk with each other. But now you don't talk, and he doesn't come here that often anymore, you both are sad about it, and all because of me."

Remus closed his eyes and pulled the crying child closer into his arms, hugging him tightly against his chest.

"Oh Harry, nothing that happened is your fault! It was not your fault that you were taken away, and what happened between Janus and me has nothing to do with you, either. You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. Nothing is your fault."

"Yes it is! I let the bad men take me, you and Uncle Janus got hurt and now you are fighting and don't love each other anymore. And it's all my fault! I'm sorry, Remus. Sorry that the I let the bad men take me, and I'm sorry that you and Uncle Janus are not talking to each other now. I'm sorry. I didn't want that. Please talk to Uncle Janus again, I promise I'll be good, but just make it all right with him again. Please."

Harry sobbed even harder and for the first time Remus experienced a situation with Harry which he could not handle alone. No matter what he tried to say or do to soothe Harry, the child simply did not calm down again. Instead he continued to sob into Remus' shoulder, not showing any sign that he would calm down again. Remus' first thought was to call up his father and ask him for help, but he did not know what Richard could possibly do to help him deal with Harry right now. The child kept on repeating over and over again that it was all his fault, that he was sorry and that he would do anything if Remus and Janus only started talking to each other again.

There was only one thing left to do, and as much as he didn't like it, Remus knew he had to do it. Quickly untangling himself from the sobbing child's arms he got up from the sofa and knelt down in front of the fireplace. After a moment of hesitation he reached for the floo-call powder and threw some into the flames, calling up his brother's house. After a moment of waiting, Serena' head appeared in the flames.

"Remus, hello. That's a surprise."

"Hello Serena. Is Janus there?"

She nodded and her head vanished from the fireplace, leaving Remus with an unobstructed view of Janus' living room, until after a moment Janus came into view from the left side and knelt down in front of the fireplace. There was a concerned frown on his face as he looked at Remus.

"Remus, is something wrong? Is Harry all right?"

Remus shrugged. "Not really. Could you maybe come over?"

After a short moment, Janus nodded. "Sure. When?"

"Right now if possible?"

"Erm...okay. Give me a minute."

It took him maybe twenty seconds to come rushing out of the fireplace after Remus had broken the floo connection, and he was looking extremely worried as he vanished the soot from his robes with a quick wave of his wand.

"What's wrong? Where is Harry?"

Remus gestured to the small boy on the sofa who by now had curled up into a tight ball, still sobbing openly. Janus immediately hurried over and placed his hand on top of Harry's head.

"What happened?", he asked into Remus' direction.

"He thinks it's his fault that we are fighting, and nothing I said or did could convince him otherwise. To be honest, I don't know what to do."

Janus sat down on the sofa next to Harry and lifted him onto his lap without another word. Slowly, soothingly, he rocked him back and forth and began rubbing circles onto Harry's back to get the child's attention.

"Hey, little one. Why are you crying?"

Harry shrugged, but as soon as he realized just who was holding him on his lap he buried his face deep into Janus' neck, sniffing loudly. His crying didn't subside, though, and he held on to his uncle in a dead grip. No matter what Janus tried, he could not manage to pry the child's arms loose from his neck, though he tried to pull him back and look him in the eyes. Remus saw that Janus was feeling just as helpless as he did, but he could not think of anything to do, so he sat down beside his brother and gently ran a hand through Harry's hair. Janus continued to rock Harry back and forth, but still the child did not stop his litany of how sorry he was and that he would do anything to make his godfather and uncle get along with each other again. Remus helplessly looked at his brother, searching for reassurance of any sign that Janus had the situation under control, but his found nothing.

Janus' gaze strayed around the room, and after a moment came to rest on the chest of drawers that stood under the window. He nodded into this direction, and Remus got up from the sofa. As he stood in front of the chest of drawers, he gazed back questioningly.

"What do you want?"

"The cards."

Remus frowned, but picked up the package of Exploding Snap cards that lay on top of the chest of drawers and returned to the sofa. He had left them lying there the evening before after he and Harry had played a couple of rounds. Still not knowing quite what to do, he sat down in an armchair and looked at his brother, but as he saw no reaction there he shrugged and shuffled the cards. He dealt for all three of them, though Harry still had his face buried in his uncle's shoulder. Janus shifted his hold on Harry slightly so that he could hold him with one arm, picked up the cards with the other and started to sort through them. Remus was still obviously puzzled, but he followed his brother's example and picked up his own cards. They began to play while Harry was still sobbing into Janus' shoulder, but as Janus' deck exploded a moment later the child curiously turned around to look at what the adults were doing. It tore at Remus' heart to see Harry's red-rimmed and swollen eyes and his still slightly quivering chin, but he wordlessly handed Harry a tissue and pretended to focus on his cards. Without looking up from his own cards, Janus addressed Harry.

"If you want to play along you'd better hurry up, little one. You're about to lose this game already."

Harry hesitated for a moment, looking from Remus to Janus and back again, but as he did not find an explanation for this strange shift of behaviour he hesitantly picked up his cards and sorted them in his hand, still sniffing slightly and a couple of stray tears still running down his cheeks. He was still sitting on Janus' lap, though, and so he turned slightly so that Janus could not look into his cards anymore. He had played that game with his uncle before, he knew that Janus cheated.

They played three games – Janus lost each and every one of them, one to Remus and two to Harry – before Remus went into the kitchen and fetched tea and sandwiches for them. As he sat down and they began to play their fourth game of Exploding Snap, Janus finally broke the silence that had been hanging between them.

"You're worried, aren't you?"

Harry looked up from his cards, turned around slightly towards his uncle, but then he turned his head and glued his gaze onto the cards in his hands again, his slim shoulders shrugging.

"Don't know."

"Remus said you're worried that he and I are fighting because of you."

A hesitant nod, barely noticeable. Janus still tried to sneak glances at his nephew's cards but Harry held his cards tightly and did not let him look into them. Janus threw a card onto the table and flinched as a thin stream of smoke started to rise. He hated it when he lost Exploding Snap games. And he lost often, no matter what he did. But that was not his main concern at the moment.

"And you think we are fighting because we don't love each other anymore. And that we'll keep on being angry at each other, and all that because of you."

Again, Harry nodded. Remus was watching them attentively and didn't pay attention to which card he was playing. In fact, he was just automatically playing out a card and didn't even notice that the stack of cards on the table smoked more and more.

"Do you think that Remus loves you?"

Again, Harry nodded. This time without any hesitation.

"And that I love you?"

Another immediate nod.

"But we both have been angry with you in the past. That doesn't mean we ever stopped loving you."

Harry fidgeted uncomfortably on Janus' lap, his cards forgotten for the moment.

"Yes, but that's different."

"Why?"

"Because when I did something wrong and you got angry, I said that I was sorry and then I got punished and things were okay again. But you're angry with each other for a long time already. And you don't stop fighting, though you have said you're sorry for what you did. Remus told me you did. But you just don't stop fighting."

Janus put his cards down onto the table and shifted Harry so that he was sitting sideward on his lap and he as well as Remus could see his face.

"Why do you think it's your fault that we are fighting?"
Harry shrugged, sniffing loudly as more tears announced their arrival. Janus pulled a fresh tissue from his robe pocket and handed it to him. Harry blew his nose and shrugged again.

"Because you are fighting since the bad men took me. If they had not taken me, you would not be fighting."

Janus ran a hand through Harry's hair and sighed. Remus got up from his armchair and sat down on the sofa next to his brother and godson. Janus continued as if he had not noticed.

"What would you say if I told you that you are the reason why we stopped fighting in the first place?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that Remus and I only stopped fighting with each other and started to get along better when you came to live with him. Do you remember how you were living with your aunt and uncle, the muggles?"

Harry frowned and nodded. "Not really. I know that I lived with them before I came here, but I don't really remember."

"You were small, it's no wonder that you don't remember. But you lived with them, and then Remus decided to take you out of there, and your grandpa asked me to help him. That is when we started getting along with each other."

Harry frowned.

"Why were you fighting before?"

"We were not really fighting, we simply did not get along with each other. We had been fighting often when we were children, and we never really made up."

"But why? And what has that to do with your fight now?"

"Because we never talked about what happened. You are worried that Remus does not want to talk to me, but he has a right to be angry with me. I was not always nice to him when we were younger. I hurt him, hurt him badly."

"Like the bad men hurt me?", Harry asked, unconsciously cradling the arm which Lucius Malfoy had broken against his chest. Janus shook his head.

"No, I didn't hurt him like that. I hurt him here." He placed his palm on Harry's chest, right above the child's heart. "I said mean things to him, did things that hurt him."

"But why?", Harry asked, his fingers nervously playing around with the sleeve of Janus' robe.

"Because I was scared."

Remus frowned at that unexpected statement, and Harry's head snapped up in surprise as well. His adoration for his uncle bordered on hero-worship, and he simply could not imagine that there was anything that could scare Janus.

"You were scared?"

Janus nodded. "Yes, I was scared. I was not much older than you are now when Remus got bitten by the werewolf. Everything changed all of a sudden, and nobody really explained to me what was going on. Our parents didn't know how to deal with it themselves at first, and so I really didn't know what had happened. I had heard stories about werewolves and I was scared because Remus was one of them now. I was scared that he would hurt me."

"But Remus can only hurt somebody when he is a wolf", Harry immediately came to his godfather's defence. "And he is only a wolf once a month. He would not hurt you when he is not a wolf."

"I know that now, Harry. But I didn't know it then. And nobody could really explain it to me. Mum and Dad were worried about what Remus was going through, and I felt that they didn't care about me anymore."

"They didn't?"

"Of course they did. It was just...it's difficult to explain it. They did care about me, I just thought they didn't show it enough. And I blamed Remus for it, because they were always worrying about him, not about me. I told myself that he was the reason why Mum went away, and why Dad paid more attention to him than to me, and because I didn't know better I vented it all out on Remus. I said mean things to him, I did mean things to him and I gave him the feeling that I wished he wasn't my brother. And when we got older, we went to different schools and didn't see each other that often anymore. We never really talked about what happened, and I never tried to understand what it means for him to be a werewolf. We hardly spent time with each other, and if we did, we didn't talk about anything personal because we always started fighting otherwise. And only when Remus tried to get custody for you we saw each other more often. And when you finally came to live with him we spent more time with each other, and we started to get along better.

So you are not the reason why Remus and I are fighting, Harry. You're the reason why we got along so well over the past years. But we never talked about our old problems. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

Janus was not all that sure if what he had said made any sense at all, especially to a seven year old child, but after a short frown Harry nodded slowly.

"I think so. But why are you fighting now?"

Janus cast a quick glance at his brother before he continued.

"I made a big mistake. I did something stupid and I hurt Remus again. And he remembered how much I had hurt him when we were younger and that we never really talked about it. He has every right to be angry with me, but whatever the reason is, it's not your fault. The only person who is to blame is me, because I was so stupid to hurt him again."

"But you said you're sorry."

Janus nodded and leaned back into the sofa. "Yes, I did. And I am sorry. But I can understand that Remus doesn't accept my apology. I did a really bad thing, and for some things it's not enough to say you're sorry. You can't apologize for everything, little one, I know that now. Sometimes when you make a big mistake all you can do is hope that the one you have hurt is a better person than yourself and is able to forgive you one day."

Janus was sure that Harry had not completely understood the last sentence, but it had not been meant for the child anyway. He was sure that Remus had understood it, though, and he only hoped that his brother also understood what he had wanted to say. But Harry's worries about the situation between his godfather and his uncle were seemingly not calmed completely.

"But that means Remus and you are still fighting. Why did you hurt him, Uncle Janus? Don't you love him anymore?"

With a sad smile on his face Janus pressed a kiss onto Harry's forehead.

"I do love him, very much so. I just never really showed him, that's why it's hard for him to believe it. But whatever happens between the two of us, it won't change that Remus and I both love you very much, all right? Nothing that happens has anything to do with you, and we'll do our best so that you still feel comfortable. But you have to give us space when we need it. And some time to work things out. Just tell us if things are bothering you too much."

Harry pulled a face and leaned wearily against his uncle's chest for a moment, thinking hard.

"I don't want things to be like that", he mumbled into Janus' shirt

"Me neither", Janus whispered before he could stop the words from tumbling out. But he didn't look up to see Remus' reaction. How to explain to a seven year old child that life did not always go according to what he liked? No matter how much he and Remus loved the child, they could not simply put all their problems aside because Harry did not understand the reasons for their fighting.

"And we don't do this to hurt you, Harry. But it has happened, and now it can't be made up within a day, it's not that simple. Give us some time, little one, that is all I ask of you."

Harry still didn't look as if he liked the idea of those changed circumstances in his family. He shrugged insecurely, not meeting Remus' and Janus' eyes. Remus ran a hand along Harry's cheek in an attempt to soothe.

"Absolutely nothing that happened was your fault, pup. That is something between Janus and me. I know that it's hard for you to understand, but I promise we'll do whatever we can to make it better again. We're both here for you, but we also need some time to settle things between us. All right?"

Again, Harry shrugged, but after a moment Harry got off his uncle's lap and settled on the sofa between Remus and Janus, leaning against his godfather's side.

"I still don't understand it."

Remus nodded. "Be glad that you don't, Harry. Janus and I will do our best to get things back to normal again. Just keep in mind that you can talk to us about anything if you don't feel well with it."

"All right."

Harry still didn't sound entirely convinced, and Remus did not expect him to understand what was really going on between Janus and him, not before he was much older than now. As much as Remus had pushed all thoughts about his brother and their problems aside, this day's events had shown him that he needed to confront them, and quickly. His issues with Janus were one thing, but though they were serious, he did not want Harry to suffer from them. He'd need to talk to Janus about what had happened. Remus still doubted that he could ever forget what had happened, he was not sure that the nagging doubt about Janus' feelings for him and his trust in him could ever be calmed completely, but they urgently needed to get back to a level of normality that would make Harry feel comfortable again. It was funny, come to think of it. He had accused Janus a couple of times of not understanding that he would never do something to hurt Harry, but he had done exactly that. He had refused to talk to Janus, had thought that as long as his uncle was still around Harry would not suffer under their fighting. But Harry was perceptive and had realized that something was amiss. Harry had been hurting and Remus had not realized it. He'd have to put an end to this, and quickly.

Janus stayed until after dinner that evening. Both brothers had followed a silent agreement that it would be better for Harry if Janus didn't leave again right after they told him that they would try to bring things back to normal. So instead they played some more rounds of Exploding Snap until Janus was so fed up with losing that he went into the kitchen and started to prepare dinner for them. Harry had been extremely gleeful that his uncle had not managed to look into his cards even once, but the day had tired him out and he had not protested against being brought to bed at half past eight, at least not with any of his usual vehemence. They had sat up with him for a moment before saying their goodnights and going downstairs into the kitchen again. There, Remus handed Janus a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter with an audible sigh. Janus watched him for a moment, as if something was going through his head and he didn't quite know how to put it into words. Remus could sympathize with that, he himself felt just the same.

"Thank you", was what he finally settled on. Janus put his cup on the table and frowned.

"For what?"

"For coming over so quickly earlier on. I really didn't know what to do when Harry just didn't stop crying."

"You really don't need to thank me for that. We should have known that he would realize that something was going on. We have to think about a way to stop this from disturbing him any further."

Remus nodded wearily. "Yes, that we have."

He slowly pushed himself away from the counter and sat down on a kitchen chair facing his brother. Silence stretched between them. Both were struggling to find the words, to find a beginning for this conversation, but none of them was truly successful. What were they supposed to do now, analyzing their entire relationship from the moment on when it had begun to fall apart? When was that moment, anyway? And how much of that could be undone, and with what would they – would Remus – have to learn to live? It was all far too complicated, far too confused and confusing to find a starting point. Minutes passed until Janus eventually put his cup down onto the table and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"I meant what I said earlier."

Remus shook his head to chase his own thoughts away. "Pardon?"

"I said that I meant what I said earlier", Janus repeated. "To Harry."

Remus frowned in an attempt to remember what his brother was talking about. Janus had said a couple of things to Harry which came to his mind, and he didn't really know what exactly Janus meant. His confusion must have shown on his face, because Janus elaborated further.

"Don't think that I haven't spent most of the past days thinking about what you said. And about what I did. I know that I was not the role model of a brother, and that I said and did a lot of things I should not have. If I'm honest with myself I never thought about what you had to be feeling. I didn't care about it, and even if I felt I overstepped a line I always made up a reason why you had earned it. Yes, I was a complete asshole, and truth be told I can't imagine any reason why you didn't explode a lot earlier. I can only tell you again that I'm sorry that I've hurt you with my behaviour, back then just as two weeks ago. When we were children I didn't think enough to care about it, and in the Riddle House I didn't trust you despite anything I knew. You made it clear that my apology was not enough for you and I have to accept that. But I meant what I said to Harry earlier. I know I haven't earned it, but I hope you can at least try to forgive me."

Remus wearily leaned his head onto his hands, massaging his temples with his index-fingers, trying to stave off the headache he was starting to develop.

"Do you even begin to understand how unbearable is to love somebody, to be constantly craving for that person's love and recognition, but to receive nothing – absolutely nothing – in return?"

Janus slowly shook his head. "No", he breathed out. "I don't know what that feels like."

"I wouldn't know either, were it not for you."

There was nothing Janus could respond to that, so he didn't even try. He watched his brother with what appeared to be a calm expression on his face, but inside of him a wide range of emotions was raging.

"There was nothing I wanted more than to accept your apology last week, but I simply couldn't, Janus. I want things to be all right between us, don't doubt that, but I just don't know what it takes to make me able to forgive what you did. To understand why in Merlin's name you did it. Can you tell me that?"

"Why I raised my wand against you? Because I was faced with either trusting what my partner told me or trusting in your integrity. I made my choice, and it turned out to be the wrong one. If I had given it more thought, I might not have done it, but fact is I didn't. Fact is, it shouldn't normally take me a lot of thinking to trust my own brother, but I can't change what happened."

Remus shook his head.

"That's not the reason. It's the end of the story, the reason lies where all this started."

"So the question is why did my best to make your life miserable when we were children? Because I thought you had earned it. It's that simple. You were taking them away from me, Remus. First Dad, then Mum, and there was nothing I could do to stop it."

"I did no such thing, Janus!"

Janus nodded.
"Yes you did. I didn't' say you wanted or planned it, but you definitely did it. Or what happened to you did it. That you had become a werewolf tore our family apart, you can't deny that. It wasn't intentional, but it happened. You were not to blame, but do you think I understood that at the age of nine years? Of course I was angry at you, furious that you caused all that. You were my little brother, I didn't want you to get hurt. And at the same time I was gleeful when I saw what you were going through because it showed me that I was not the only one who was suffering. I don't know if I can explain it, Remus. I don't know if it's necessary. I told you I hated you, I did my best to make your life miserable, and then I tried to keep away from you as much as possible. I told myself that I hated you and that you had earned what you were going through, but it never really worked. But in the end all that doesn't really matter, does it? If I can't really understand it all myself, how should I try to put it into words? I was a child, I was scared and hurt, and you were the perfect scapegoat. Maybe that's too easy an explanation, all too simple, but I just can't put it differently."

Janus inconspicuously wiped his left palm over his cheek, but Remus wasn't even looking at him and so didn't see the stray tear.

"I just want it to be over", Remus said. "I just want my family back, the way it was before."

"That's exactly what I always felt like. Don't make the same mistakes that I did, Remus. It won't be the same as it was before, never. If you accept that soon enough you might be able to see how we can all come out of this stronger than before."

For a moment Remus had to think about where he had heard that advise before. It took him a moment to remember that it had been Dumbledore who had said nearly the same to him a couple of days earlier. But what could he possibly say to that?

Janus got up from his chair and walked over towards the door. While leaving he spoke over his shoulder without turning around.

"If it's all right with you, bring Harry over tomorrow. I'm sure Serena would be glad to see him again without dragging Julia through half the floo-network."

Remus didn't respond, but Janus still didn't turn around. Instead, he shook his head once and made another couple of steps forward.
"Janus, wait."

Remus' voice stopped Janus, but seemingly was not enough to make him turn around. He didn't want his brother to see just how hard he was struggling to keep his composure. Only the slight heaving of his shoulders showed that he was not as calm and indifferent as he appeared to be. He heard Remus' chair scratch on the tiles as his brother got up, he heard Remus' footsteps until he came to a halt behind him, but still he did not turn around.

"Janus? Could...would you please turn around and look at me?"

Slowly, Janus complied. Remus was standing in front of him now, his expression betraying that he felt just as helpless as Janus himself did.

"Just how in Merlin's name did we get into this bloody mess?"

Janus only shook his head and cast his eyes downwards. "I don't know", he answered truthfully. "I simply don't know."

"I agree with Harry in one thing. I absolutely don't like the way things are right now."

"Me neither."

To say that Janus was perplexed when Remus suddenly made another step forward and leaned against him would be quite an understatement. He had not forgotten how his brother had shied away from the mere idea of a hug only two weeks before. But he saw how Remus was hurting, and he knew how that felt because he was hurting just as well. And as Remus stood before him now, something inside of Janus snapped, a dam which had held him back and had kept him away from Remus for so long finally broke. Things couldn't go on like they had for so long now, and he would not let Remus deal with all that alone. For a moment Janus felt as if he was frozen into place, but then he wrapped an arm around Remus' back and held his brother's head against his shoulder with his other hand. Remus leaned into him with a sigh.

"I don't know how in Merlin's name we are supposed to ever get out of this mess, but I don't want it to stay like that", Remus mumbled into Janus' shoulder. Janus didn't answer, he simply held his brother and hoped that this was a first step on their way to something akin to normality.

Remus just leaned into Janus, using the fact that his brother was half a head taller than him to bury his face in Janus' shoulder. He didn't know how things between Janus and himself were supposed to go on from here, there was still far too much they needed to talk about, things that needed to be said explicitly, just once, to get them out of the way, but he didn't care about that now. For now all that was important was that he stopped hurting. And that was just what the embrace did for him, it made the hurting stop. He didn't cry, he just basked in the feeling of for the moment having something which he had wanted for so long. Just for this one moment he could close his eyes and pretend everything was all right. Or would be – could still be – all right some day.

In the end none of them could tell for how long exactly they had been standing in the kitchen like that, but it didn't matter. Finally, Janus withdrew and held Remus at arm's length to look him up and down.

"Are you all right?"

Remus shrugged and nodded at the same time. "I think so. I will be, at any rate. Thank you."

Janus nodded. "I should thank you. Now, if you pack up the kid and come over tomorrow for lunch, you might have a chance to get some of Serena's famous chicken and ham pie. All right?"

"Sure. I wanted to drop in at the store tomorrow, but I wanted to go early, anyway. I'll see you then."

"Yeah, until tomorrow."

Janus looked at Remus for a moment longer, then he turned around and walked over towards the fireplace and flooed home. With a sigh, Remus sank down in his previously vacated kitchen chair. He still would have to have a long talk with Janus, maybe more than one, but not today and neither tomorrow. They'd have to give it some more time than that, broken trust wasn't mended all that easily. But for the first time in long weeks he thought that they could actually make it.