Salvage

The following weeks seemed to fly by, and Remus found himself struggling to keep up with their rapidity. There was so much he needed to fit into his everyday schedule, and seemingly so little time. Of course his main concern still was Harry. And though the smile and excitement slowly returned to Harry's eyes, though the nightmares didn't come every night anymore, Harry still needed a lot of Remus' attention. He stayed out of school until the first weeks of November. Surprisingly, Harry had been the one to say he wanted to go back to school, and Remus had taken it as a good sign.

It had been after their annual visit to James' and Lily's grave. Every year on the first of November, Remus and Harry went to the cemetery, had always done since Harry had come to live with Remus. They did not go just once a year, but November 1st was the only fixed date they did so. Remus knew that he could never truly tell or show Harry what living with his parents would have been like, but he did his best to make sure that the child knew who they had been – and where they were now. Harry knew a lot of stories about James and Lily, from their time at school and afterwards, and he knew what had happened to them as far as a child so young could grasp. Harry was always a bit more introvert after those visits, and this time he had been in his room for the entire afternoon and had then later come down to tell Remus that he wanted to go back to school. Harry had not given any explanation as to how he had come to that decision, but had said he was sure about it when Remus had asked.

Remus had been glad about it, but even with Harry back in school there had been many things keeping him more than occupied. He was back to working full time, just like before everything had happened. And he spent a lot of time with Janus lately. Janus had not yet started working again – did not yet know how his career would go on for him – and thusly had time enough on his hands. He spent a lot of time with Harry, but Remus and Janus also used the time they had to try and get all the things that had gone wrong into a working order again. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fun either. Sometimes, they had to put up a Silencing Charm so that their shouting would not wake Harry. There was still too much anger and hurt feelings between them for them to have a normal and calm discussion that would clear everything up easily and silently. But Janus and Remus had definitely learned their lesson from the past events. They did not let Harry hear their fighting, and though they didn't pretend everything was all right between them, they did their best to ease the tension whenever the child was around. So far, it seemed to work, at least for Harry. Remus wasn't so sure about Janus and himself, though. He had the feeling that things were gradually getting better, but on the other hand didn't know if he was right in that assumption. They never consciously sat down and started talking, often their being together just developed into talking and mostly into shouting as well. Mostly it was Remus who started with – sometimes unfair – accusations, but if he thought to provoke a certain reaction from his brother that way, he was mistaken. They were still desperately searching for a middle ground to move on, and it was harder than Remus had imagined it to be. But then there were those small moments when he thought that they were indeed moving forward. One evening, Janus had asked Remus about the wolf, for the first time ever since Remus had been bitten. And Remus had told him, everything he could think of. The transformations, the pain and the injuries, how this all had changed a bit for the better when his friends had become animagi for him, the Wolfsbane Potion and its affects. Janus had simply listened while Remus had been talking. Afterwards, Remus had had the feeling that now Janus at least understood a bit better. And they had for once not ended up shouting at each other or accusing each other. Those moments convinced Remus despite everything that they might still be on the right way.

So between Harry, his job, Janus, his father, and all the other small things that always came in between, Remus didn't even realize how much time was passing. For the first weeks, he had dreaded to receive a letter from the Ministry about what had happened to Harry. He knew that still there were many people who didn't want to see The Boy Who Lived raised by a werewolf, even after five years, and Remus had feared that those people would take Harry's kidnapping as the perfect opportunity to take Harry away from him. But it had not happened. Only when both Janus and Albus had assured him that though Harry's kidnapping would be investigated officially, the Department of Family Regulations would not be involved in anything, had Remus been able to calm down about it. Janus knew it from Lucas who had investigated a bit, and Dumbledore had addressed that issue in a conversation with the Minister himself, and the last had finally assured Remus. Harry would stay with him, they would not take him away. If there was one thing Remus truly feared, one fear that had only been enhanced by the past events, then it was the fear of losing his child. That was one thing he knew he could not live with.

So the months after the kidnapping had been straining on Remus, but that had also prevented him from thinking too much about other unpleasant things he'd have to face sooner or later. And one thing had completely slipped his mind: Sirius.

Albus kept him supplied with news about Sirius' condition, but it took until the middle of November until Albus brought the topic up in one of their conversations. Seemingly, now Sirius seemed fine and stable enough to receive visitors. Dumbledore could not have received a different reaction had he knocked Remus in the stomach. Did he really want to visit Sirius? And then what?

But in the end Remus knew that he had no choice, that he would have to see Sirius sooner or later. He'd rather face that now than in a couple of months or even later. He didn't know what would come out of this visit, but he simply had to try. And so he found himself travelling to St. Mungo's on his free Thursday morning while Harry was at school. He asked the nurse at the counter for directions and was finally led into a secluded corridor. Before he was allowed to enter the ward, however, he was led into an adjourning office where he had to fill out a form and his identity was checked by an Auror. It made sense, however. Sirius still had not received a trial, he had not been declared a free man, so he was still officially a prisoner of the Ministry. Remus' wand was confiscated, his pockets were searched, and as the Auror left a tall, balding man in a green healer-robe entered the office. He checked something on a clipboard and stretched out his hand towards Remus.
"Ah, Mr. Lupin. I'm Albert Sparrow, the healer in charge of Mr. Black's case. Professor Dumbledore already told me that we could expect your visit. He has been very helpful over the past months, the Professor. Provided us with very useful information about Mr. Black that helped us sort through his memories."

"How is Sirius doing?"

Healer Sparrow sat down behind the desk and shrugged slightly.

"Much better than when he was brought here. Much clearer." He took off his glasses and began to polish them with the hem of his robes. "But still. His case was extremely difficult to treat, Mr. Lupin. Is still extremely difficult to treat, actually. We were not only faced with erased memories, but also with falsely implanted ones that were meant to make Mr. Black react to a certain stimulus in a certain way. We used Occlumency and pensieves, as well as everything Professor Dumbledore could provide us with from Mr. Black's past, we even hypnotized him on a couple of occasions." He finished the polishing, put his glasses back on his nose and looked at Remus.

"But I'm losing myself in descriptions. Physically, Mr. Black is in a stable condition at the moment. Malnutrition during his imprisonment has left its marks on him, he is still underweight, but no more extremely so. I have to say, Mr. Black has a rather strong appetite."

A smile, then the healer continued.

"Mentally, his condition is as stable as we can get it at the moment. You have to understand that what we were trying to do was on the one hand trying to recover erased memories while on the other hand we attempted to find and erase false implanted memories. What made things difficult was that at first Mr. Black was not exactly cooperative, and there were other complications."

"What complications?"

Remus felt anxiety rise inside of him. Dumbledore had not told him about any serious problems that had occurred during Sirius' treatment, but maybe something had gone wrong. Maybe Sirius' mind had been permanently damaged by what had been done to him. What would happen if that was the case? And what did 'as stable as we can get it at the moment' mean anyway?

"I'll try to explain it to you. It happens rather often that when wizards tamper with other's memories, they do not merely erase certain memories but also plant false 'memories'. Though not often in an extend as it was done to Mr. Black. Now, finding out where exactly something has been erased in a person's mind is rather easy for a well-trained mind healer. Sometimes those memories can be brought back, sometimes not, depending on the strength of the charms that were used."

Remus nodded. He understood that part only too well, after all that was what had happened to him after Sirius' Memory Charm.

"What is far more difficult is finding the false memories. But mostly the perpetrators plant those new memories to replace something they have just erased. And example, maybe. If a muggle sees a wizard performing undoubtedly identifiable magic, and the Ministry is called to the scene, they will certainly erase the memory of what the muggle has seen. Instead, they might plant another memory, so that the muggle would not think he had just seen a person flying on a broom, but that he had seen a large bird, for example. If now a mind healer wanted to find the false memory, he'd try to identify where something had been erased. And if he could bring the memory of seeing a person on a broom back, the muggle in question would of course struggle to find out which of the two memories he had is the true one."

"The broom or the bird."

"Exactly, Mr. Lupin. And that is the point where a mind healer can find the false memory. Either the person whose memory has been tampered with can help himself – if he is lucid enough, that is – or the mind healer can use a pensieve or an Occlumency charm to find out what the person is struggling with."

"And you tried that on Sirius."

Healer Sparrow nodded, his expression solemn.

"Yes, we did. And he reacted violently to it. Mr. Black has a very strong mind, Mr. Lupin. And as soon as our healers started to break through the first mental barriers that had been erected, it all began to fall apart."

"What do you mean?"

"When we do something like that, we try to keep it as controlled as possible. Slowly, one intervention after the other. Normally, we don't have cases where so much has been tampered with as in Mr. Black's case. Now, when we broke the first Memory Charm on Mr. Black, it was as if he realized that there was something in his mind which didn't belong there." Sparrow shook his head. "And he seemingly wanted to get rid of it. He managed to break through other Memory Charms, and suddenly his mind was one confused mess of contradicting memories. There was nothing we could do to stop this chain-reaction. He had been relatively lucid when we started the treatment, but within a day he was not responding anymore. He was incoherent, talked nonsense, became violent against the healers and the nurses again. Plainly speaking, he was a mental nursing case at that point. To be honest, for a while we thought that this damage was permanent."

"Is it?", Remus asked, his throat suddenly dry. Sparrow shook his head.

"It definitely made progress slower and our task more difficult, but by now we're convinced that it's not permanent, no. In fact, Mr. Black is in a quite stable mental condition at the moment, as I said earlier. But a certain degree of confusion about what really happened and what has only been implanted in his mind remained, and that is a point where the best cure is having long conversations with people who know the answer to those questions. In Mr. Black's case, most of the memories affected by the Memory Charms were connected to his school-friends, his own person and the war. Professor Dumbledore talked to him once or twice already, and he recommended you talk to him as well. Mr. Black agreed, and I'm glad you were willing to come. It was necessary to let you know those facts about his condition before you go to see him, though. He might not be the same person you knew anymore, if either through the Memory Charms or through his imprisonment. We will have to see how he reacts to actually seeing you today."

Healer Sparrow got up from his chair and Remus took this cue and got up as well. He was led out of the office and over towards the door to Sirius' ward.

"Mr. Black knows that you're coming, he'll be expecting you already. But I think that an hour should be enough for this first visit, if Mr. Black does not tire before that. If you need anything, or if anything unforeseen happens, just ring the bell next to the door, somebody will come immediately."

Remus stretched out his hand.
"Thank you."

Healer Sparrow shook it.

"Good luck, Mr. Lupin. And thank you again for coming, I'm convinced it will help Mr. Black's recovery."

Remus felt slightly sick as healer Sparrow walked away and left him standing in front of the door. He breathed in deeply a couple of times and tried to still his erratic heartbeat. No matter how much he had thought himself prepared for this visit, he had to realize that this wasn't so. He was nervous, he was shaking, and he had absolutely no idea how to confront his former friend now.

With another deep and slightly shaky breath, Remus raised his hand, knocked on the door and entered the room.

It was a small ward, compared to the ones he had already seen in St. Mungo's on earlier visits. There was only one bed, the space where the second bed was supposed to be standing was occupied by a table and three wooden chairs. Of course, with Sirius in a rather healthy physical condition he would refuse to lie in bed all day. With a small smile Remus noticed that the bed was made orderly, in a way Sirius had never been known to do. For him, making a bed had always consisted of leaving it the way it was upon getting up, no matter who had tried to teach him otherwise over the years. His main argument had always been that wasting time on making a bed was absolutely senseless if he only lay down in it and thusly rumpled the sheets in the evening anyway. Remus asked himself just how much fun the nurses and house-elfs here had with Sirius. Copies of the Daily Prophet were stacked on the table, some magazines and a few books were lying on the windowsill next to the bed. A door to the left probably led to the bathroom.

Sirius was sitting on one of the chairs, reading today's paper with a cup of tea next to him when Remus entered. He looked better than the last time they had met. He had indeed gained a few pounds, though he still looked awfully thin. His hair had been cut a few inches, and was clean and untangled now. He was wearing clean plain black robes and looked up as Remus entered.

The last time they had met, both had been only one step away from murdering each other, and now a strange calm settled between them, just as if neither dared to break the silence in fear of another outburst. Finally, Remus forced a smile onto his face and walked over towards the table. How was he supposed to greet his former best friend? A formal handshake, as if they hardly knew each other? A hug, which would seem like a misplaced expression of a close friendship long gone? Remus struggled for a beat, but then he settled on the easiest version.

"Hello Sirius."

Sirius watched him wordlessly for a moment, then he nodded.

"Hello Remus."

Again, silence settled uncomfortably between them, until Sirius gestured towards one of the chairs.

Remus sat down while Sirius closed the paper and placed it along with the other Daily Prophets onto the empty chair.

"Do you want some tea?"

Remus nodded thankfully. "Yes, please."

Sirius took the second cup that stood on the table – probably had been placed there for his visit – and filled it with tea. He handed it to Remus and his blue eyes watched Remus attentively as he took a nervous sip. Just like Sirius had always watched everything that was going on around him, attentively, interested, taking in every detail.

"How are you feeling?"

It sounded empty, emotionless and hollow to Remus, but Sirius didn't seem to mind. He shrugged slightly. "All right, I think. It's gotten better over the past few days. It's still murky when I try to remember something specific and if one more of those healers starts brandishing a wand over me, I'll go nuts. It feels every time as if they were pulling out my brain through the ears and pushing it back in through the nose. It's not exactly a pleasure to know that someone else is meddling around in your mind, I can tell you."

Remus wanted to say that he knew only too well what it felt like to have a mind-healer snooping around in his mind, but he remained silent. He had been through that experience thanks to Sirius' Memory Charm. And he had certainly not come here to accuse Sirius of something he had done under the influence of Imperius. But maybe Sirius had thought along the same line, because he looked at Remus for a long moment, the expression in his eyes suddenly having a new quality which Remus could not really define. But after a couple of heartbeats he tore his gaze away and looked out of the window. Remus could hardly bear to look into the gaunt face of his one-time friend, to see the blue eyes which had always been radiant with mischief and a joy of living look hollow and haunted now. Remus had never been in Azkaban himself, but he had heard the stories. Janus had visited the prison a number of times while on duty, and Remus had had the opportunity to see how much this had disturbed his brother. It took quite a lot to unsettle Janus, to make him all jumpy and nervous, but Azkaban had always done that job. That had been enough to convince Remus that he never wanted to experience it first-hand, not if he could prevent it.

Remus could not bear the silence any longer, so he decided to break it.

"Healer Sparrow said it would help you to talk about the things that still confuse you."

Sirius shrugged and looked back at Remus again.

"Then we'd talk until next week at least."

"That bad?"

Another shrug.

"I try to think of something, have a memory in mind, and suddenly something completely different pops up and I do not know what is right and what is wrong. Gets a tad bit confusing after a while."

Remus didn't know what to respond to that. Both men sipped their tea in silence – again – and again it was Sirius who broke it.

"It might sound really…I don't know, awfully little, but I wanted to apologize. I know that won't make it undone, but I'm sorry. I wasn't fully in control at that time, but I'm sorry. I hurt Harry and I nearly killed you, that should never have happened."

Just like I nearly killed you, Remus thought. Only I never pointed my wand at you, instead I let you rot in a place worse than hell for years, thinking it was even better than you deserved. It is I who should be begging for your forgiveness.

One day, Remus hoped, he'd be able to look into Sirius' eyes and tell him exactly that. Right now, however, he could not. So he only shook his head at what Sirius said.
"There is no need to apologize, Sirius. It was not your fault. A lot of things have gone wrong, but nothing of that is to blame on you. Nothing at all."

Remus somehow felt lousy saying that. He felt lousy hearing Sirius apologies while he himself was not ready to even admit the wrongs he had committed. It must have shown on his face that something was bothering Remus, because Sirius cocked his head to the side and frowned.

"What's wrong?"

Remus shrugged.

"Nothing. It's just…I don't know. I didn't think we'd ever sit together like that again. It'll take a bit to get used to all that has changed, it's not that easy."

And suddenly, the words, his thoughts and feelings all just blurted out of him as if a damn had broken.

"Merlin Sirius, I am the one who should be sorry. I believed it, I believed it all and lived my life while you were in prison. I should have helped you, should have done everything in my power to get you out of there. I should have known you were innocent. I'm sorry, I can't tell you how much. I can't tell you how bad I feel about what I have done."

Something shifted in Sirius' expression then. The lines around his mouth grew suddenly more pronounced and hard, and his blue eyes pierced Remus with their gaze. It was scary how quickly his expression could turn from neutral to angry within moments. As he spoke, his voice was hard and cold, but strangely calm and didn't show any trace of anger. Disappointment maybe, but not anger.

"If you're just here to soothe your guilty conscience, you can as well leave now. I don't need you here just so that you feel better, I've got enough trouble with myself now as it is."

A pause.

"Go now, Remus."

Remus was startled at the sudden, unexpected change.

"Sirius, I…"

"Go! Leave me alone, Remus. I might be on the edge of being a nutcase, but I'm clear enough to know that I don't need your visits just because you pity yourself and me!"

Sirius slammed his fist onto the table so that the teacups clattered on their saucers. Remus actually flinched back from this sudden outburst. He had thought about a number of possible confrontations with his old friend, but none of his expectations had looked like this. Slowly, Remus got up from his chair and reached for his cloak which he had hung over the back. But he stopped his movement and looked into Sirius' eyes again. Remus knew that if he left now, he would never come back again. And if there was one thing Remus was sure about, then that he wasn't willing to sacrifice this chance now. It would haunt him forever, he knew that. Another purely selfish thought, but Remus knew that there was more to it.

"For fuck's sake Remus, I said leave! If it's just your guilt that made you come here, I don't want to see you again!", Sirius roared, hands balled into fists, and suddenly Remus felt his anger swell.

"No!", he shouted right back. Sirius looked surprised, but Remus didn't give him a chance to overcome his surprise and start talking. "No, I won't leave now, no matter how much you shout at me. I'm feeling guilty, yes. And my conscience hardly lets me sleep at night when I think about what happened to you. I should have done more to help, and I know I'll have to live with that guilt. And nobody, not even you, has the right to deny me those feelings. I might not have the right to bother you with them, but I will have to deal with them. And maybe visiting you was part of dealing with them, but that is not the whole reason why I'm here. You were my friend, Sirius, my best friend. Before the war started tearing us apart, that is. I don't know what you think about that, about me, if you can ever forgive me for doubting and not helping you then. But I want to help you now. Not because I feel guilty, but because you need help and I am your friend. Was your friend. Whatever. I want to help you get to your feet again, to lead a normal life. I neither see you as a charity case nor a way to soothe my guilty conscience. You're a friend in need, and I want to help you. If you let me. If not, tell me to leave and I'll do. But I won't go and leave you here believing I'm the selfish asshole you're making me look like now. Maybe there is a chance in all this for us to become friends again. Or try to. And I certainly won't let that chance pass unused."

He sank down in his chair again and leaned his head into his hands. "Merlin, I'm babbling nonsense. Sorry. Compared to you, my last weeks surely were not half as difficult, but still I feel completely confused. But I want you to know that I am not here because of me or my conscience. I'm not here because of me, I'm here because of you. Because I care about you, despite everything I might have said or thought during the past years. If you want me to leave, I'll go, but I really want to stay here."

Remus didn't really dare to look up, he kept his head leaned into his palms and breathed in and out deeply. For a moment, nothing happened. Then, suddenly, he heard Sirius chuckle softly from the other side of the table. Confused, Remus looked up, disbelief evident on his face.

"Care to tell me what's so funny?"

Sirius chuckled again, and after a moment had caught his breath enough to speak.

"I was just trying to remember when it was the last time that you gave me a good telling off."

Remus raised an eyebrow, but remained silent. Sirius had a distant look in his eyes and shook his head.

"For the life of me, I can't remember. And I don't think that any memory charm is the reason for that."

A smile stole across Remus' face.

"No, I don't think so either. Criticizing you was always like talking to a brick-wall. But do you know what? I can't remember, either."

"Thank you."

Remus' head snapped up.

"What? Why?"

Sirius tiredly ran a hand across his face. "They've been cocooning me here over the past weeks. The healers, the nurses, even the bloody house elfs. I'm not saying that it's bad, it's just…nobody here dares to contradict me, not in anything I say or do. I guess they're afraid that I'll fall apart as soon as something upsets me. I think I needed someone to give me a good telling off, to prove myself that I won't break immediately. Only I wasn't really expecting it, not yet."

Sirius smiled crookedly, though not with his eyes.

"It gets pretty lonely in here after more than eight weeks. I'm sorry, I didn't want to sound harsh earlier. It's just that I'm not really used to human company. Friendly human company. I've gotten suspicious, I think. I was looking forward to seeing you when the healer asked me if I wanted you here. this morning I became a bit more worried about it. I was looking forward to seeing you, but I didn't know how much has changed. How much you had changed. I still don't know, and the thought scares me a bit. But I'm glad you're here, despite everything."

Remus smiled.

"The two of us are a pretty sorry lot as it seems. Maybe it would be better to talk about those unpleasant things once you're completely up and about again, and once we're both a bit surer what to think about it all. I don't think we'll ever have a normal conversation if we start directly with trying to clear up the past twelve years all at once."

Sirius smiled and nodded. This time, the smile was a lot more honest and took a lot of the strain and harshness from his face.

"Sounds good." He breathed in deeply again, not looking directly at Remus. "How…how is Harry?"

Now it was Remus' turn to smile, though he did realize how much asking this question had cost Sirius after everything that had happened.

"He's holding up all right, it's getting better. At first he was clingy and scared, but it's better now." A thought crossed his mind then, a question that had been nagging on him ever since the night they had found Harry.

"Can I ask you something, Sirius?"

Sirius frowned, but nodded.

"Sure."

"In the Riddle House, you told me Harry was dead. You seemed to believe it. Why?"

"If only I knew for sure. I definitely remember that when I…", his voice caught and he looked out of the window for a moment to keep his composure. "When I got worried because I couldn't reach Peter that night, I went to Godric's Hollow. The house was in ruins, partly collapsed. The Mark was in the sky. I…there was James, he was the first I saw. I knew he was dead, somehow I immediately did, but he just looked so alive. As if he was sleeping. But he'd have never been sleeping on the floor like that, not after a Death Eater attack. And his glasses were broken. Lily was in the nursery, that's the next thing I remember for sure. The room was a mess, part of the ceiling had come down. Lily was near the door, but I didn't see Harry anywhere. I searched for him, that I remember. I think I searched the bed, but he wasn't there. And in the corner, you remember, the one with his playpen and the table where Lily used to change his diapers?"

Remus nodded.

"That all wasn't there. I dug around in the debris, but didn't find him. And…I don't know. I think at one point I decided to go after Peter. Harry was nowhere else in the house, I thought he must have been in his playpen when the ceiling came down. I think I believed he was dead at that time. But I just don't know if I was ever told the truth and Malfoy erased it later after they caught me. I would have never taken Harry from your house if I had known it was him. If I was convinced he was dead, chances were bigger I'd just take him from you without thinking too much about it. After all, how could I kidnap somebody who was dead?" He laughed mirthlessly. "But maybe I was never told the real truth, I just don't know. I've been thinking about that night over and over again. It drives me mad not to know what really happened, but I just can't remember. I tried, with the healers, to find out what was true." Another shrug. "It didn't help any. I don't know what I thought while I was in Azkaban, I just don't know. Dementors don't leave you with a very sharp memory."

Remus had the answer he had been searching for, so he didn't want to torture Sirius any further with digging through his unreliable memories. Luckily, at that precise moment he remembered the pictures he had brought.

"Do you want to see some pictures?"

Sirius' eyes immediately lightened up remarkably. "Of Harry?"

Remus nodded. "Of course pictures of Harry. I brought them, because…well, I didn't know…after all that happened - I was not sure how much you remembered and if you even wanted to see me or know more about Harry."

Remus could not quite read the expression on Sirius' face at that moment, but he realized that his blue eyes were not looking into Remus' but staring at the stack of pictures Remus had pulled out of his robe pocket.

"I'd love to see the pictures."

Remus smiled and moved his chair over slightly so that he could look at the pictures while Sirius held them. He handed his former friend the stack of photographs, and while Sirius' eyes glued themselves onto the first picture, Remus watched Sirius' face. The top photograph was the most recent picture of Harry which he had brought, a picture taken shortly after Harry's seventh birthday. It showed the child in the back-garden with his new broom, just about to mount it and lift off. A smile started to spread over Sirius' face without him probably even knowing it as he watched the photograph.

"He looks like Jamie", he finally said, his voice breaking with emotion. Remus breathed in deeply and swallowed against his tears. It had been years since he had heard anybody use that nickname for James. In fact, only Sirius had ever done so, Jamie being a reminiscence to his year-long friendship with James even before they came to Hogwarts. Long before 'Prongs' came into being. Remus had not thought he'd ever hear anybody use that nickname for his deceased friend again. Remus nodded. "Yes. And he's just as stubborn when he doesn't get his will. That kid's got a temper, I can tell you."

For the next twenty minutes the two of them worked through the stack of photos, reliving past birthdays and Christmases. Sirius was rapt up in watching Harry on those pictures, and Remus was glad that at least some of the initial ice between them was broken. They didn't talk much, mostly Remus told Sirius how old a picture was and when and where it had been taken, but they didn't need anything more at the moment. This was not about them - not yet, Remus told himself - this was about Harry. After half an hour of photos, a nurse opened the door and interrupted them.

"Mr. Lupin? It's time to leave, Mr. Black needs a lot of rest now."

"Yes", Remus nodded. "Thank you."

As Remus got up from his chair Sirius reluctantly handed back the photos.

"Thank you, Remus."

Remus frowned, a bit confused as to what Sirius was thanking him for.

"What for?"

"For taking care of the kid when I could not. For letting me know that he's doing all right with you."

Remus watched him for a long moment, saw the slightly glassy way his eyes were shining, had been shining ever since he had looked at the first picture of Harry. With a shaky smile, Remus stepped back towards the bed and handed Sirius the pictures.

"I made those copies for you, Sirius. Keep the pictures."

Sirius' eyes widened as he looked between the pictures in his hands and Remus, to and fro again. "For me?"

Remus nodded and smiled. "Yes, for you. I thought you would want to have something of Harry, something to keep. I mean...until - until you meet him, that is."

"Meet him?" Sirius' eyes had the size of saucers now as he stared at his former friend. "Meet him?", he parroted.

Remus blushed slightly and moved uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Well, I thought...you know, that you might want to meet him. Once you're out of here, I mean, I would not want him to meet you in a hospital, he's not particularly keen on hospitals. But I thought you would want to see him."

Sirius shook his head, but not as much as a negative answer than in disbelief.

"You want me to meet him? Me? But...I mean, after everything that happened..." He shook his head once more. "If you're doing this because you think you owe me something..."

"No", Remus interrupted immediately before they ended up shouting at each other again. "That's not it. Yes, I have a bad conscience, I'm sad and angry at myself because I let all that happen, but that is not the reason why I do this. You are his godfather, James had something in mind when he made you that. He wanted you to be a part of Harry's life, and I certainly won't stand in the way. I don't think he could be harmed by having you in his life. He's a bit shy at the moment, but once he gets to know you I'm sure you two will get along fine. I'm sure."

Merlin, why was he so nervous all of a sudden? Remus wanted to kick himself for babbling like that –again – but the words had simply tumbled out and now he shuffled from the left to the right in the nervous tension that suddenly filled the room. Remus didn't like that silence, and before he even knew what he was doing, he had started to talk again.

"If it's all right with you, I'd come back again at the end of the week."

Sirius nodded shyly. "I'd be glad if you'd come again. If you want to, that is. It is getting a bit boring here after some time."

Remus smiled, relieved. "I'll see that I can get Dad or Janus to take care of Harry for the afternoon. See you on Sunday, then."

"I'll be here. I don't think they let me out of here before that."

"You will get out of here in time. And if you need something, just let me know."

"Thank you, Remus."

Remus just nodded and smiled. "You're welcome. Now why don't you try to get some rest?"

"I might be a bit confused up there", Sirius gestured at his head, "but that's doesn't mean you can give me the old Pomfrey-quotes without me noticing. Rest is quickly becoming my least-liked word in here. Even the house-elfs use it."

"Saturday", Remus said with a smile.

"Saturday", Sirius repeated. And, more lowly, "I'm looking forward to it."

With another smile Remus picked up his cloak and left the room. The last thing he saw before he left was Sirius taking up the stack of pictures again, looking at the first one with a transfixed smile on his face.

Remus closed the door to Sirius' ward behind him and leaned against the wall until he was sure that his shaking legs would carry his weight again. If possible, he never wanted to go through something like that again. Dr. Sparrow's explanation of what would await him behind this door could not have prepared him for the harsh reality. Sirius was so different, the changes Azkaban and the hands of the Death Eaters had left on him were visible in his every move, in his every gesture and expression. The guilt Remus felt for this suffering threatened to choke him every time he thought about it, so Remus had done his best to push those personal thoughts aside for the time he had been in the ward.

And yet there had been moments when Remus had been able to glimpse a bit of his old school friend behind the broken body and ruined mind he had become now. A smile here, a short flicker of the eyes there, hardly longer than a second or two each time, but they had given Remus the feeling that maybe something of their once so strong friendship could be salvaged. Maybe.

"Mr. Lupin? Are you all right, can I do something for you?"

Remus looked up and found Healer Sparrow standing in front of him, scrutinizing him with a somewhat concerned gaze. Remus had not even heard him approach. How long had he been standing here, anyway? He quickly shook his head.

"No, thank you doctor. I'm all right. It was just...I don't think I was prepared for this. You said he would be different, but -"

"Are the changes that strong?"

Remus shrugged.
"On the one hand yes, after that long a time in Azkaban. And on the other hand...there were moments when it felt as if he had not been away for longer than a day or so. If it's already that confusing for me, how bad must it feel for him?"

Healer Sparrow nodded and folded his hands over the clipboard he was carrying.

"I told you, it was difficult and time-consuming to even get him into the state he is in now. Do not doubt for one moment that it's hard for Mr. Black, and it will even get worse once he starts dealing with all the unpleasant things that are still held back in his mind at the moment. But he won't be able to do this alone, Mr. Lupin. He will need people to rely on, friends who help him get through this. Mr. Black needs the reassurance that he is not alone with his problems, that there is something worth fighting this fight for."

Remus sighed and leaned back against the wall.

"I'm just not sure I'm the right person for it."

The healer's features sobered and hardened at those words.

"Then you'd better not visit him again, Mr. Lupin. If there is one thing Mr. Black does not need now, it's any kind of personal setback. If you think that you are not strong enough to help him through this, or if you plainly are not willing to do so, then you'd better not come back."

Remus shook his head.
"No, that's not the problem. I want to help him, I want to be there for him, but I'm worried that he'll throw me out once he realizes how badly I let him down while he was in prison. I don't know if it would be good for his recovery to go through that."

Sparrow leaned against the wall with one shoulder as well, looking at Remus intensely before he spoke again.
"While there are surely quite a number of unpleasant memories still to be uncovered in Mr. Black's mind, I think he knows the basic facts about the time of his imprisonment quite well. When we decided to take his treatment to the next step and confront him with people from his past, we considered well what exactly we would do. We prepared Mr. Black for your arrival, and he was willing to see you. He was looking forward to seeing you. He thought about it before he agreed, and thusly I am sure that he is also aware of certain rather...unpleasant memories in connection with you. Those are things the two of you will have to discuss at the appropriate time. But it seemingly was not reason enough to say he didn't want to see you, that makes me rather optimistic that your presence helps his recovery. Mr. Black will make it known if he doesn't want you to visit him, but at the moment I have no reason to think that he'll do so at any time in the near future. As I said, he was looking forward to seeing you, and I'd appreciate it if you came back. As I said, Mr. Black needs all the help he can get now."

Remus nodded and pushed himself away from the wall. "Thank you, Healer Sparrow. Sirius and I agreed that I come back on Saturday."

"That sounds like a good idea. Until Saturday then, Mr. Lupin. If anything else occurs, I'll let you know before."

"Thank you. Goodbye, Healer Sparrow."

"Goodbye, Mr. Lupin."

Remus flooed from St. Mungo's directly to his house. Harry was still with Janus, but at the moment Remus needed some time for himself to think about this day's events. Janus would bring Harry over later, and if he didn't then the child would sleep over at his place. It would not be the first time, and Remus knew Harry in the best of hands with his brother.

So when he arrived at home, he made himself a big cup of hot tea, took it to the living room and lay down on the sofa with a sigh. So that was Sirius, he thought. Funny. He had dreaded the moment when he would meet his former friend for weeks, and now it had happened completely different than Remus had imagined it to. His former friend had been to hell and back, but he for sure was not in any way limited in his mental abilities now. On the contrary, he had seen through Remus' façade as easy as he'd have years back, when they still had been friends. Sirius didn't want his pity, that much this one visit to St. Mungo's had shown, and neither did he want Remus' visits just because Remus was trying to soothe his guilty conscience. But could Remus really offer Sirius anything else? His help, his friendship, yes, but how much was this still worth to Sirius?

If his presence would help Sirius' recovery, then Remus would gladly help. But what would come afterwards was a completely different question.

"Remus?"

Remus jumped and spun around at the same time, nearly knocking himself off the sofa in his surprise. His heart beating wildly in his chest Remus sat down again, leaned back against the cushions and looked up at his brother. Janus was watching him with a slightly worried expression.

"You okay there?"

"Yes, I'm all right. You just startled me a little."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. I thought you had heard me floo in."

Quite unceremoniously, he lifted Remus' feet off the sofa and sat down heavily. "You looked a bit lost in your thoughts just now."

Remus rearranged himself on the sofa now that his leg-space had been taken. He didn't raise his head to look into his brother's eyes.

"I've been thinking about Sirius."

Janus nodded.

"How was it?"

"Meeting him?" Remus still didn't look straight into Janus' eyes. "I don't know. Strange would be an euphemism. One moment we were dancing around each other, not really knowing what to say, the next we were yelling at each other. I really don't know what to think about it."

"And what will happen now?"

Remus shrugged. "I'll go visit him again, on Saturday if you or Dad can take Harry then. The healer said it would help Sirius to talk with people he once knew, and Sirius said he was looking forward to me coming again." He shrugged again. "I really don't know what will happen, Janus. If I can somehow help him by my visits, then I'll gladly go to St. Mungo's as often as I can. Everything else we'll have to see once he is fine again and out of hospital. There is still a trial he has to go through, and nobody really knows what will come after that. I would be far too confusing to think about all that now."

Finally he looked up at Janus and found his brother looking straight back at him. He attempted to smile, but Janus didn't move one facial muscle.

"And you? I hope you had a better day than I did."

Janus shrugged and shook his head at the same time.

"Not really. Shortly after you brought Harry over, Lucas came rushing out of my fireplace, and I swear I've never seen him so angry before. I was glad that Harry was already in the garden, otherwise he'd have another trauma to deal with."

"What happened?"

Janus sighed. "Malfoy. The hearing about his involvement in Harry's kidnapping and what happened at the Riddle House was today."

Remus remembered. Janus had told him that there would be a hearing, but he had forgotten that it would take place so soon. Though his hopes that the man would be uncovered as a Death Eater and punished accordingly had not been very high.

"It didn't go well?"

Janus shook his head.

"You could say that, yes. That bastard has about a dozen lawyers, and you can imagine that they're the best money can buy. And I don't even want to know what else his money bought over the past weeks. Lucas said that after how the hearing went, he'd be surprised if any charges were pressed against Malfoy, let alone that it goes to court."

"What? But you identified him, and so did Lucas. The both of you recognized him in the Riddle House, you testified that under oath! They can't ignore that, can they?"

"No, but the problem is that he wasn't arrested that night. The Death Eaters who were taken into custody pretend that they've never even heard his name, and they all have very good lawyers who know every trick to keep the Ministry from questioning them under Veritaserum. So far successfully. From what it looks like now, they'll get away with a relatively short prison sentence for conspiracy and without any further unpleasant questions about Malfoy's involvement."

Remus frowned. "Bribery?"

Janus nodded, his expression serious. "The only explanation I have. The Ministry is not immune against something like that, though I could not tell you where exactly the money went to. But I'm convinced the whole thing is not entirely clean."

"But what about your testimonies?", Remus repeated.

"Were taken into consideration, of course." Janus' voice showed clearly what he thought about that. "But it's Malfoy's word against ours. We did not see him, I only recognized him by his voice. He did not contradict when I called him Malfoy that night, but that doesn't have to mean anything. And surprisingly, he's got an alibi which is as good as perfect. It's his word against ours, and in case of doubt…"

"In dubio pro reo", Remus finished for him. Janus nodded again.

"Exactly. So as long as we don't have any proof of his being there, there will be no further investigation of his involvement. And we don't have any proof."

"Shit. He can't just get out of this without any punishment at all."

"That's what it looks like now, if we don't miraculously find something incriminating against him."

"Which we won't."

"Probably not, no." Janus waved his hand as if to ward off those thoughts. "But let's not talk about that any further, I'll only get angry otherwise."

Remus crossed his legs and took a sip of his cold tea.

"What about you, anything new on how you'll continue after your leave of sickness?"

Janus shook his head. "Nothing specific. Not in the Department of Mysteries, though, that much is for sure. To many intrigues, too much vital information that is kept from you. Lucas said I changed too much over the past years to be still working there, and I think he has a point in that. I talked to Alastor Moody last week."

"Mad Eye?" Remus frowned. "About what?"

"Auror training. Ryder suggested that I might like working in Auror training. I have the qualifications, so I wanted to talk to him about if there's a perspective for me in the Department."

"And?" Remus tried to imagine his brother teaching young students who had just recently left school about the Dark Arts. He could not quite picture it, but that didn't mean Janus would be the wrong person for such a job. He had the knowledge and the qualifications, if he also had the patience and didactic skills would remain to be seen.

As an answer to Remus' question, Janus shrugged again.

"It sounds good. Mind you, that eye of his will surely drive me mad, but otherwise it sounded good. Moody will give me a tour of the Department next week, then I'll take some time to consider it. But I have to start working again soon, I'll go mad without anything to do."

"Already tiring of family life?"

"No, but I need something to occupy my mind. Call it a mental challenge. But enough of that for now, I'll let it roll around in my mind and tell you as soon as I've decided."

Remus nodded.

"You're right. The pup behaved well today or was he his worst seven year old self? And speaking of it, where is he?"

"At the moment he's probably ruining our kitchen in an attempt to help Serena with cooking dinner. You ought to teach him that throwing half the food to the floor is not the way it's meant to work. But he was the perfect little boy today, don't you worry. No temper tantrums, no panic attacks, nothing at all. He didn't even ask when you'd finally be home."

Remus smiled. "Let me guess, you let him fly for nearly the entire afternoon."

"You said it was okay to let him go flying, I don't see where your problem is."

"No problem at all, I'm glad there is something that seems to help him. Shall I fetch him after dinner?"

"Why don't you come over as well? Or are you not in the mood for company? Harry can sleep over at our place if you'd rather have some time on your own right now."

Remus shook his head.
"I don't know what brooding about it for any longer would bring now."

"Fine, then you'll come over for dinner. No contradiction. Dad will be there, too. Because much unlike both our days so far suggested, there is something that needs to be celebrated."

"Celebrated?"

Janus nodded, and suddenly there was a grin on his face which Remus didn't quite know what to make of.

"Yes, celebrated."

Mentally, Remus ran a check of possible birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or other reasons for a celebration which he could have forgotten, but came up empty-handed. He raised an eyebrow in silent question, but either Janus was not accessible for such subtle hints, or he was plainly ignoring him. Remus sighed.

"You care to tell me what we're going to celebrate, or will I just show up and wait for the first round of toasts?"

The grin on Janus' face widened even further and slowly Remus began to wonder whether his brother was finally going mad.

"Serena is pregnant."

That would explain the mad grinning, of course. Remus felt a grin of his own tug at the corners of his mouth.

"Pregnant?"

Janus nodded.

"Yes, pregnant. Is this becoming a new habit, that you repeat everything I say as a question?"

Remus just shook his head and stared at his brother for another moment, then he bent over and wrapped his arms around Janus.

"Congratulations! Wow, that comes as a surprise. I didn't even know that the two of you had been planning another child."

He withdrew, and Janus scratched his head.

"Well, actually we weren't really planning it as such. Not yet. It just happened, but it's…I'm over the moon, excited, happy, whatever you want to call it. It's perfect."

"When is the baby due?"

"End of May, the doctor said. Serena dragged me there yesterday, though she knows quite well how much I feel out of place there. But everything is fine so far, that's the main thing."

"Does Dad know?"

Janus leaned back and folded his hands behind his head.

"Told him this afternoon and I already thought he was about to break my ribs, so hard was he hugging me. Now the only one who doesn't know anything is Harry. I wanted to leave that for you. You're good at explaining things to him, you know?"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"If he'll ask again where the babies come from, I'll buy him a book this time. I won't go through telling him all that again."

"I don't think he'll ever forget your last attempt at informing him about the facts of life. Neither will I, come to think of it. Seeing you beet-red and embarrassed was very enjoyable indeed, I wish I had had a camera at hand then."

"It didn't help any that you were laughing your head off while I was going through the most embarrassing moments of my life."

"Sorry, but it was just too funny. But I think Harry understood what you wanted to tell him."

Remus sighed deeply.

"I really hope so. Right, then let's floo over to your place and save your wife from Harry's kitchen rage."

The two brothers got up and went over towards the fireplace. Before Janus climbed into the flames, Remus stopped him once more.

"Boy or girl?"

Janus shrugged. "Serena didn't want to know. But I have a feeling that it's going to be a boy this time."

With that, he flooed away and didn't see the grin on Remus' face. Janus had thought Julia would become a boy until the moment he'd been first handed her in the delivery room and the midwife had told him in no uncertain terms that it was quite obvious that he had a daughter and not a son. So Janus' feelings on that matter might not be all that trustworthy. He'd ask Serena about it at the next given possibility.

As he stepped into the flames, Remus shook all the unpleasant days about Lucius Malfoy, Death Eaters, the events in the Riddle House and even his doubts and worries about Sirius off of him. Just for tonight, he was going to think about nothing but the upcoming dinner with his family. He thought he had earned it, just for once.