Nightwing: The Darkness

Chapter 9

DISCLAIMER: The characters and situations contained in this story are ©2004 by DC Comics Inc. and are used without permission for fan-related entertainment purposes only. This original work of fiction is ©2004 by Christopher W. Blaine and may not be reproduced without permission.

Three and a half years earlier…

He stopped in front of the building, a massive stone structure protected by gargoyles and the ever-present spirit of God, or at least that was what he had been led to believe for most of his life. Dick Grayson had never considered himself very religious, but at the same time, when he looked back on his life as a whole, he could see where he had at least tried to let the Almighty into his heart every once in a while.

He remembered how it was when Bruce had first revealed the "Secret" as he put it, that he was the Batman and that he wanted to make Dick his partner. The young boy had thought his prayers had been answered, that he would be able to right the wrongs that had been perpetuated against his parents and everything would be okay after that. Through Bruce he was able to bring closure to his feelings on his parent's deaths, but he never felt things were okay after that.

He held no grudges against God but had in fact learned over the years to be thankful for the things he had in his life. So many times as both Robin and Nightwing he had seen the worst in human beings, had borne witness to untold suffering and he knew that he had been blessed to have been found by Bruce. It was Bruce that gave him, more or less, a positive outlet for his feelings. He could not even begin to imagine what he could have become if left to the care of the state or even the Haly Circus.

He could have become a thief or a drug dealer. Worse, he thought, a murderer.

He caught his breath as he remembered that he was a murderer. Worse than that, he had condemned his guardian angel to imprisonment in Hell for a crime he had not committed.

Dick closed his eyes and prayed that God would make it just a dream, but when he opened them, the snow was still falling outside the church and he was still a killer.

The day Bruce had been apprehended by Superman, Nightwing had fallen to his knees and begged to be forgiven, but he never felt the lifting of guilt from his heart. He never truly understood why and for a little over three years he had avoided this confrontation, this showdown between himself and his Creator. But something new had come up and he felt the need to bare his soul once more for his Lord to look upon.

He craved judgment and punishment so he could move on, but it never came. In fact, if anything, his life was getting better. After Bruce's arrest and the public revelation of Batman and Nightwing's secret identity, Dick actually found that his life was less complicated. Super-villains for the most part avoided him, afraid that he would simply hire someone to take care of them (the rumors among many evil-doers was that the Bat family was changing to more lethal tactics).

Then about two years prior he began to date Helena Bertinelli, the Huntress. At first he thought it was simple lust, or a need to replace Barbara, but over time they both began to grow on each other. Helena had also become fond of Barbara and her death, along with the Batman's fall, had convinced her that if she did not change her ways she too would become a victim of what was being coined as "Gotham's Madness". And so it was a kinder, more compassionate Huntress that had captured his heart.

He had hoped that her presence would help heal the wounds in his soul, but even now he could still feel the pain. He had avoided talking to Bruce; unsure of what you say to someone who is willing to be crucified for your sins. He looked again to the church and realized that crossing the street and entering the building was turning out to be the hardest thing he had ever had to do.

He started to step off the sidewalk when someone grabbed his shoulder. The grip was not menacing; years of martial arts training had trained him to detect malice even in the lightest touch. Slowly he turned, half expecting to see an autograph hound. Nightwing/Dick Grayson was a regular celebrity in Gotham City.

What stood before him was a being that, if the stories were true, was older than mankind itself. He was taller than Dick by a full head, with pale gray skin that was accented by dark eyes. He possessed wings, a trademark of his kind and his golden armor shined like the sun. He knew, however, that if anyone were to look, they would not see him. His presence was meant for Dick only.

Zauriel was an angel, Heaven's former ambassador to Earth and a one-time member of the Justice League, long before Dick had joined. "Where are you going, Dick?" the angel asked. His voice was a deep baritone, almost musical in its tone.

"I thought I'd talk to your boss," Dick replied, shrugging off the hand. He did not like explaining himself to a being that probably already knew more about Dick's life than Dick did. Zauriel was one of the few beings in existence that actually knew what he had done. All sin was open to the eyes of the angel, yet he was bound not to speak a word of what he knew. For a human that would be a terrible burden and Dick had no way of knowing if it was any better for an angel.

"The house of the Presence is meant for those who are willing to release their sin and give it up in exchange for forgiveness," Zauriel explained.

Dick nodded. "Yes, I know…"

"You do not seek forgiveness," Zauriel interrupted. He took a deep breath, an indication that he was working hard to maintain his composure. Over the years Zauriel had become more and more conservative in his thinking. "You seek justification."

Dick was speechless for a moment and then shook his head. The angel had it wrong. "Listen, Zauriel, I appreciate the pep talk and all, but I've been going to church since I was a little boy. I think I know what I want to talk to God about."

The angel shook his head. "You have no idea how your arrogance wears my patience thin." He leaned down and folded his arms over his chest. Dick realized for the first time that Zauriel was huge by human standards and he did not seem to mind trying to intimidate others with that characteristic. Dick, however, had been trained by the best not to be intimidated. "You say you want forgiveness, but the Presence knows that all you want to do is argue your point, to somehow get a pass on your sin."

"Well, smart guy, if you knew me then you would know that I believe that my sins have been forgiven…"

"It is not automatic," Zauriel barked. "You humans get lazier with every generation," the angel snapped. Dick was taken aback by the sudden rage in Zauriel's voice, but then he had to admit he never truly understood the angel or his mission on Earth. Once he had been a Guardian, but he had failed that duty when he fell in love with his charge. Cast from his vocation, he wandered Earth for a time until he discovered a plot in Heaven to change the status quo. He enlisted the help of the Justice League and later joined the team for a short while.

After that Zauriel seemed to wander the world, exploring the mystery of humanity and why it was so different from his own existence. Now, after having spent so much time with humans, he appeared jaded and judgmental. Perhaps that was what he needed to be, Dick did not know; what he was sure of was that he was not very appreciative of the angel horning in on his private business with God.

If Zauriel knew his thoughts, he did not show it. "You want the Presence to tell you that what you did was alright, that humanity is better off for it, because that is what you believe. It is what you have told yourself so that you can look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, Dick Grayson."

"Hey, buddy, you may want to believe you're the Spectre or something…"

"You should be glad that the Angel of Vengeance has not come to see you, murderer," Zauriel said. The jab struck Dick in the heart and he nearly backed up a step. "You were given a gift, the gift of free will and in the end you chose to act like an animal. If you were truly sorry, I would escort you into the whole of the Presence myself and plead your case…"

"But?" Dick asked.

"You aren't sorry, are you?" Dick looked away and Zauriel reached out and grabbed his face, turning it back towards him. "You are still happy you did it, aren't you?"

Dick closed his eyes. "Yes," he whispered and all of the pain, guilt and anguish that had been bottled up inside of him for years came pouring out in one giant sob. "I am happy I did it. Despite what happened to Bruce and everything else, I'm glad I did it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"There can be no forgiveness for you, Dick Grayson. You don't want it."

Dick pulled away and stepped towards the edge of the sidewalk. There was no traffic at this time of night and the snow was falling lightly. It was quiet, a cold silence that you could taste in the air. "I asked for forgiveness; God knows that," he said in a low voice. "You know it!"

"Was it the Presence that you fell to your knees for, Dick Grayson? Was it really? I know what is in your heart and mind, you cannot lie to me. I am one of the first, created long before your kind was even an idea. I know the hearts of men."

Dick whirled around. "Alright! Fine! I asked Barbara to forgive me, to forgive me for not being there to protect her!" His anger welled up. "I came here to make amends with God, to talk to him to see if we can come to some sort of compromise. He let Barbara down and I fixed it."

Zauriel's features softened suddenly. "Oh, sad little man, you affix blame to He who is blameless. Your own sadness, your guilt has overwhelmed your sense of right and wrong. You do not deal with Presence; you accept Him."

"If God is good then why did Barbara have to die? Why? Can you answer that, angel?" Dick felt his blood pressure rising, but he did nothing to will it down. It felt good to let loose on the angel, to let him know just what a low down stinker he thought his boss was. "She deserved better than what God gave her."

"And murdering the Joker somehow made it better?"

"Yes, damn it! The Joker was a mistake, a fluke, an evolutionary misstep and I fixed it for God!" Dick turned and looked at the church, realizing there was no way he could enter it with a clean heart and mind. He could not kneel before the cross and ask forgiveness for his sins. If an angel could see through his lies, then surely the Lord would not be fooled either. "Why must the price be so high?"

"You are unworthy of an answer. Your life is wasted unless you open your heart and accept that what you did was wrong…"

No. It. Wasn't." Dick said slowly. "The Joker was a mistake…"

"How can you worship a God you find flawed? Your argument makes no sense, Dick Grayson. You foul the air around you with your lies and deceit."

Dick wanted to say more, but he knew that it was pointless. The angel would stop him from entering the church and so he turned and started to walk away. Zauriel called after him. "Open your heart, Dick Grayson. Understand that what you did was wrong. Yours is a special soul that nobody wants to see condemned."

Dick paused. "So I'm damned. It doesn't matter what good I do, or have done…it doesn't matter that I've saved the world a dozen times over? I'm damned because I killed a worthless piece of garbage that murdered hundreds of innocents?" He turned back to Zauriel. "If that's the price I have to pay, then so be it. It wasn't wrong!"

He stepped into her apartment and watched as she stepped out of the bedroom, clad only in the flesh she had been born in. Her silhouette reminded him of a redheaded woman he had loved so long before. Helena stepped into the light and mindlessly scratched underneath a breast. "You know, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone taking a long walk to decide whether or not to accept a marriage proposal," she said as she walked over to slide her arms around him.

She kissed him on the lips and did not feel the warmth that should have been there. Before she even spoke, she knew what his answer would be. "You don't want to marry me?" she asked.

He sighed and took a step back. She was beautiful and intelligent and he had to admit, he probably was in love with her, but that didn't matter. Helena had killed before, but she had made her peace with God and it was one of the reasons, he felt, that had caused her to change so abruptly. There was something about facing your crimes and accepting punishment that gave you a renewed sense of purpose.

Yet he still did not see what he had done to the Joker as a crime. Letting Bruce take the fall was a crime and it was something he wanted to pay for. He wished it would be so easy, that he could just walk into the Gotham City Police Department HQ and tell them he was the true murderer! But Batman had fixed it so that could never happen.

"It isn't that," he said finally. He saw that his life was about to change again, but not because of anything happy. There was no joy in this moment, this very instance in time when he should have been delirious with excitement about the future. Instead he saw red eyes staring at him from the darkness, beckoning him to join them. Helena was a radiating light, she was a path he could follow, but he feared that his damnation would spread to her.

He could see the look in her eyes and he knew that this was a woman who loved him deeply and somewhere in the back of his mind a voice told him that he could tell her the truth. If there was anyone on the planet that could understand what he was going through, the guilt and confusion, but also the need to let the world know eh was not wrong, it was her. She had killed criminals in the past and she would never be prosecuted for them. Why was it she could receive forgiveness and he couldn't?

"I do love you, Helena," he said finally. "But I can't marry you. I can't make that kind of commitment. I know how devout you are, how you want a wedding and a marriage that is…holy…"

"Dick, for God's sake, I'm not a nun. We have sex two, three times a day, sometimes more; it isn't like I'm that devout," she offered.

"How devout do you have to be?" he asked, and then he shook his head. "I'm not ready to be married," he lied. The truth was that he honestly wanted to say yes.

'I can't be in a relationship that is going nowhere, Dick," she said, tears forming in her eyes. She reached down for a robe that was draped over the couch and put it on, effectively putting a barrier between them. They both knew it was over, but they were somehow compelled to talk it into the ground. "Is it because of Barbara? Dick, I know you loved her…"

"Yes, I did," he said, holding up a hand. He wanted to tell her that he had thought he would never find love again after Babs had been killed, that he felt his life had been over. It was Helena that had brought light to his darkness that had convinced him that maybe Bruce was right, that he could make a real difference in the world. Maybe even figure out a way to get Bruce out of Arkham and have him accept it. "I loved her very much and I guess I've never gotten over her," he said. It was a convenient excuse.

"I don't want this to end," she whispered. "You're my life, my heart and my soul."

"I'm a damned fool," he told her and then slowly he turned around and moved for the door. He didn't look back or even say good-bye. They were useless gestures. The damage was done, but it was damage he felt was necessary. In this way she would have the opportunity to find someone else, someone who would love her and not drag her down the dark path. That was all he saw ahead of him as he walked down the stairs to the apartment building lobby; a tunnel of pure bleakness awaited him.

He took in a deep breath and moved forward, cursing the darkness and the light, both had betrayed him. The he started to think, if his soul was damned, what was the purpose. If he could not reconcile that what he did was wrong, what was the point of continuing on with life?

Two days later, the Huntress offered her resignation as an active member of the Justice League.

The League chairman at the time was Superman and he called an emergency meeting of the remaining members to vote on a roster change. "Without the Huntress," the Man of Steel started, "we are down one member and I have also learned that the Flash plans on leaving as well."

Nightwing remained quiet at the far end of the table, sitting at the chair that Batman had once filled. Nobody had said anything, but all were painfully aware that the romance between him and the Huntress was over and that it had been the main contributing factor to her exit.

Wonder Woman leaned forward. "I understand that the Flash has some suggestions for replacements."

The Scarlet Speedster stood up and smiled. He was Nightwing's best friend, but even he could not seem to get through the funk that surrounded the dark hero. He decided to try and make the best of it, keeping an upbeat attitude to see if maybe it would catch. "I'd like to spend more time in Central City since I'm officially moved there," he said.  The Flash had moved from city to city over the last few years, trying to find someplace he could truly call home. "My nephew, Bart, is old enough now that I think he could replace me on the team," he said. On cue, the door to the meeting room opened and the hero Impulse stepped in.

There were some polite introductions as the Flash read off the impressive resume of the other speedster. When it finally came to a vote, all voted in favor of having Impulse immediately replace the Flash. "But that isn't all folks!"

The Flash seemingly disappeared as he ran at super-speed to the other side of the headquarters and scooped up another individual. He popped back into view with a blonde-haired woman in his arms. "My nephew's wife, Cissie-King-Queen-Allen," he announced.

Nightwing looked up and saw the young woman he had once known as Arrowette, back in the days when she had been part of Young Justice. He noted, with some piggish male satisfaction that she had grown up quite well. In fact, she was beautiful in every sense of the word. A former Olympic athlete and a Rhodes scholar, she seemed mismatched with Impulse, her husband. While super-intelligent, Bart Allen was something of a mess, never able to commit to one discipline at a time. He had attended college for several years, but had no degree. "She is thinking about becoming the next Green Arrow," the Flash announced.

Cissie looked over at Nightwing and their eyes flashed. There was no doubt about the attraction, but he tried to push it out of his mind. She was much younger and married.

But then, he was damned already anyway, so what did it matter?

"She's reluctant to speak up," the Flash said, elbowing her.

Cissie blushed. "It's been awhile since I had the old fighting togs on, but Bart seems convinced I can do it…carry on my father's name," she said with very little confidence. This was the Justice League after all!

"I say give her a chance," Nightwing said without thinking. He realized then that he was already fantasizing about her and he was positive she had the same thought as him. Would he do it, would he really try to seduce the younger wife of one of is teammates?

Well, he thought, how much worse could it get for him?