Disclaimer: refer to chapter 1
Hey everyone! Here is chapter 3, chapter 4 should be out as soon as tomorrow. Thanks to my wonderful beta reader LilyZWnam77. Any suggestions on what you would like to see happen love to here any. Please R/R its so nice to see that people actually like your story lol. Well anyways on with the story
B
Chapter 3
"You okay?" Madison asked.
"I'm...I don't know anymore." He told them as he stared at nothing once again. The rest shared a worried look.
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"James." Lily tried lightly. She was there too? Why are they all looking at me, what did they see, please say they didn't see anything? They can't! He started rambling to himself. Sirius broke him out of his reverie.
"James what was on your back?" Sirius said, his voice full of nervousness, seriousness, and worry.
"What?" James asked, half understanding them and half not wanting to believe that they were there. He hated any confrontation; it always ended up with him hating himself, being hurt, or wanting to die.
"James, we saw your back while you were sleeping. Please tell me what you are hiding from us." Remus said pleadingly.
"I'm not hiding anything." James told them as he inched away from Sirius, unconsciously holding his left arm as if to protect him.
"James, please tell them." Madison pleaded with her brother. James looked at her. Everyone was looking at him now.
"Tell us what?" Lily asked.
"They need to know." She tried again.
"There's nothing to know." His voice was deadly calm.
"James, don't do this." Madison said, knowing that he already was trying to separate himself from their questioning.
"James, what do we need to know? Tell us... Come on, we will help you with whatever it is." Sirius said cautiously.
James, James, James...why were they constantly using his name before they asked him anything. "Don't tell them anything James! You're worthless, they don't even care! They're just pretending so they will know what's wrong and leave you. You know what will happen if you tell what I will personally do to you." His father's voice rang through him.
They were all watching him intently; it looked as if he was struggling within himself.
"Stop!" He called out to them, putting his hands over his ears, trying to block out the voice that always rang through his thoughts.
"James please..."
"Stop!" He called out again standing up trying to walk towards the bathroom. Sirius grabbed for his hand to bring him back. He caught it, surprising both him and James. James stood there in shock.
Sirius was holding his cut hand, which he had cut again last night out of anger. Pain was shooting up his arm from the pressure of Sirius's grip. It was hurting him, Sirius was hurting him. He quickly tried to release his grip from Sirius, but Sirius was determined not to lose his friend. He wanted to finally know what was wrong with James. All these years he had always been a little secluded, private even, and he knew something was wrong, especially this year when he had come back to Hogwarts from summer.
"Stop it, you're hurting me!" James let out finally.
"What?" Sirius was confused and he let James hand go. James immediately clutched the hand that Sirius had been holding. Sirius didn't move, shocked at James outburst. He was still standing up, and Madison was approaching him. James backed up away from her into a wall. He felt trapped. She was going to tell if he didn't. He knew it.
"Please Madison, go away! Stop!" she was close to him now. "Please, stop!" he yelled out to her as she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Not tight enough to hurt him, but to show that she still wanted him. James was shocked. He stood there, very still as Madison hugged him. No one ever hugged him, even as a child. His father beat him or tried to hurt him, while his mother was always drunk or stoned.
"Don't." He let out weakly, he felt weak now. The others just watched as James was crumbling before them just because of a hug.
"Please, stop! Get off of me." He was struggling against her, but the lack of food and sleep was really getting to him. Putting so much energy into trying to get away from her made him tired. Madison held him, still. As he sat on the dormitory floor, she sat down with him. She felt him tense beneath her arms.
"What's wrong James?' She asked letting go of him. That was his chance. He tried to scramble to his feet to get away from her. He looked around there was nowhere for him to escape, Sirius was still sitting on his bed, Remus standing by the bathroom and Lily blocking his way out the dorm door. He suddenly felt very dizzy, it felt as if he were spinning, his stomach felt empty his eyelids were sinking. He had to get to his bed. James took the two steps towards his bed and collapsed onto it. Finally exhaustion had caught up with him, as he fell asleep instantly. They all ran towards him, worried.
"He's asleep?" Sirius wondered out loud.
"You guys, I know he will tell you soon. I have to let him, but you should know that he suffers from insomnia. I don't think he has actually slept in awhile, so let's let him sleep." Sirius still sat next to his sleeping friend. He was still wondering what James meant when he had told him he was hurting him. This worried him. He needed to know! Lily sat down on Sirius's bed while Remus sat on his own. Madison still sat on the floor. She didn't want to move. She was still worried about the effect she had on James when she hugged him. If he was that scared of her, maybe he didn't want to be touched in any way. Truly, she didn't blame him but deep down she knew he needed to let some people in, he needed help whether he wanted to admit it or not.
Remus sat there, watching his friend sleep peacefully. He was still wondering about the dream that James had had last night and what it may have been about. Lily sat there staring at James' sleeping form. What was wrong with him, she didn't know, but she knew that she wanted to help, and after what she just witnessed, it wasn't going to be easy to get through to him.
About ten minutes passed in this silence when James stirred. He blinked a few times, and sat up. Everyone was staring at him again. What is going on? he thought to himself. Then everything came flooding back to him. Oh no! They are going to start asking questions again.
"James go back to sleep, you need some rest." Madison suggested to him. Why is everyone looking at me?
"Stop!" He called out to no one in particular.
"James, we all know something is wrong with you. Please tell us, we can help you." Remus said simply.
"Why does something always have to be wrong with me? I get it, okay? I'm not wanted. Never was. I get it now. Why do I even bother?" He started to mutter to himself. His friends listened to him go on since he no longer was talking to himself.
"Please dad, stop! It hurts; you're hurting me! Why don't you stop? You don't know what you are doing to me! Worthless, I know, I know! I get it now, I understand, just stop hurting me, I can do it myself! Look at what you do to me, look what you make me do to myself! I hate you! I hate me! Go away, you don't want me, no one does. You've said it enough. Where is it? I need it?" James got up. "Where is it?" He asked to them now. "Tell me where it is?" He was now shaking noticeably. "I need it!"
"What do you need, tell us." Sirius inquired to James.
"You know where it is, you're hiding it, don't do that to me I need it."
"Need what?"
"Stop, just give it to me. I wont stop, so it doesn't matter. Actually, I only need it once more, and then it will all be over... never have to see him again. Tell me where it is!" James yelled.
"Stop!" Madison yelled at him.
"You don't need it James! You have us, you don't have to do that to yourself."
"Yes I do! You don't understand... none of you do. Just let me do it, please let me do it. I don't want to be here anymore. I never have. I'm not wanted. I understand, he has told me enough. I get it." He rambled again.
"James I want you here" Madison looked to the others to help her. They all nodded and agreed, not quite knowing quite well what he was on about.
"You're lying, always lying." He said looking accusingly at them.
"Please give me it; you don't understand... it helps me."
"It doesn't help you. We can help you."
"Stop it! You can't help, I don't need you to help. I found a way already."
"That's not the right way to deal with things. Promise me you will stop."
"No!" He started shaking his head.
"James tell me what's happening, I want to know." Sirius tried with him. James was silent for a moment.
"You really want to know?" he asked disbelievingly.
"Yes, just talk to me." Sirius said looking worriedly at his friend.
"I don't know how." James mumbled.
"Alright, well how about we will ask you something, and you tell us what you want to. Just trust us. We're not going to hurt you."
"But you don't care." He said so seriously.
"James, of course I care. What would make you think that?" Sirius asked.
"He said you didn't care. Why should I believe you?"
"Who?" Remus now asked. They were all sitting around on the floor, facing him.
James looked down. "But he said."
"Who?" Lily asked. James looked up at her.
"I can't tell you. I don't want to tell you. Forget everything I said already, anything you might have heard. It doesn't matter. I was wrong. I shouldn't have said anything. I was lying. I just wanted your sympathy, sorry for worrying you. Madison, what you saw the other night was nothing, all right? Please, just forget it. I don't want you worrying over something that you shouldn't be worrying over. Those marks on my back were from Quidditch. I had an accident over the summer, and I hurt myself. I needed my broom so I could start playing again. My dad was mad at me that I had stopped playing Quidditch after I was hurt, and he was only trying to help me begin again, but I was being stubborn. Madison, please leave it at that, I'm really tired now. I haven't been able to sleep lately, so would you mind letting me sleep? Thanks. See you guys tomorrow at breakfast, thanks for trying to help me, it means a lot." James said this all so seriously as he shut the curtains around his bed.
Madison didn't know what to do; he was so close, now he had shut himself up again. She knew there was going to be no way that he would be talking anytime soon. So she walked out of the room, saying goodnight to everyone. Lily followed her, not knowing what to think. She knew what James said was a lie. Earlier he had said something about his father. She was going to talk to him soon; maybe if she told him how she felt he might open up to her more.
She fell into an uneasy sleep.
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Remus and Sirius both got into their beds thinking of everything James had revealed without thinking. Sirius wasn't as dumb as he looked. James father was hurting James, he didn't know for how long or why though. He also knew now that James was somehow hurting himself and he needed something, but what...? He didn't want to think of the possibilities of what he may be doing though. He then fell into yet another uneasy sleep. Remus was thinking along the same lines as Sirius, and he didn't fall asleep for quite awhile, just listening to James. By the uneven breathing, he knew James had yet to fall asleep. So he to tried to stay up as long as he could just listening.
James sat in the farthest corner of his bed, looking down at his self- inflicted cuts. I can't believe I was that close to telling them everything. What is wrong with me? They can't know. You know that James. He will just hurt you more if you tell. He thought bitterly at all these thoughts flooding his mind. Why was Lily there too? I didn't want her to know. She would never like me if she knew what I do!
After that, he sat still, not wanting to think to himself. Remus was still up. He could tell. There was going to be no cutting tonight. Remus, even if he were asleep, would no doubt be listening for anything out of the ordinary. So James tried something new. He began to trace quite hardly on the still raw cuts. The pressure hurt just as much as the blade slicing would have. He tried not to cry out in pain. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
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Thats all for chapter 3
Thanks to all my reviewers which is like 2 but I still love you neways
R/R please