Disclaimer: nothing is mine that you recognize as always....

A/N- Finally got this one out yay! sorry it took so long ppls and this chapter is actually quite short compared to the others to, it just took along time to get it the way tha I wanted. Thanks to my wonderful beta LilyZWnam77 you actually make me want to write this. Thanks for all the great comments. Please can some ppl review for this its sad actually I only got 3 for the last chapter. o wellz....neways on to chapter 6 finally yay!

---this chappie contains cutting and alot of angsty moments srry if you dont like it. Dont read it than, but for those of you who want to continue to read which I hope is all of you I will stop rambling on and go on with the chapter! about time eh?

The song belongs to LinkinPark-Breaking the Habit which I'm actually deciding to call this chapter if neone really cares which you probably dont but o well. Neways its a really good song I love it and it fits really well to all of this chapter and what James is going through.

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Chapter 6- Breaking the Habit

Memories consume like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again.

James paced his dorm room staring at the letter and bloodstained razor that were thrown against the floor just moments before. Thoughts flooded inside of him. Then came the cruel voice of Malfoy telling everyone his life. The one that he hated so much and did everything and anything to hide it from others, including himself. The real him, the one that hurt and endured pain but was feeling less to any other emotion but that. He could still see all of their shocked faces, learning all...well some of James worst moments. Ones that shouldn't have been told, ones that he didn't want to be told and known to everyone. Now they knew that there perfect James Potter who nobody could hurt was actually being beaten? Who would of thought? What great gossip this was going to be if it ended up going around the school.

He slowly lifted up the bottom of his shirt. Spreading across his stomach were bruises, cuts, gashes from glass that had still yet to be cared for. He could only imagine what his back might look like. Then he saw the scars; those were what haunted him the most. On his right side was a faint but very clear one. He just stared at it, hating himself because it was his fault he had these. Memories of that night filled his thoughts. That night only now two summers ago, was by far one of his worst. That was the night his father first used the Crucio curse on him. This was followed by many more of these occurrences. When his father was really angry, or if he used it enough on him, that was when the curse would burn into him, littering his body with visible scars where it hit.

James stared at one bitterly. Even if it does fade, it will never leave me. He ripped his shirt off angrily revealing his toned, but broken, body.

Everyone thought he was so perfect, always smiling, could crack a joke randomly. Girls were swooning over his supposedly perfect life, including his looks, grades, family, Quidditch status and much more.

Now James stood in front of the bathroom. Was this what perfection looked like? Why would anyone wish it upon themselves if this was what happened. I never wished this, so why did it have to happen to me? He asked himself clearly confused.

His life seemed to be slowly crashing down around him. He was still dealing with his normal problems, but now people knew, his friends knew about his home life, Lily knew.

The only good way he knew how to escape from all of this was Quidditch. Now he didn't even have that. I ruin anything good I ever have.

James continued to look over himself, first at all the marks that were spread across his chest and back, then the bruises along his upper arms where his father had grabbed and held him. He could clearly see every bruise and he could feel them. Well, in truth, that was all he really knew how to feel, pain.

Next he looked at his arms. His shoulders to his wrists held self inflicted cuts. How can I hurt myself even more? He did know it was wrong what he was doing to himself, the look and pleading voice from Madison clearly showed him that this wasn't the right way to go about things. But at the same time it felt right, this was what he needed. Wasn't it?

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose,

'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused.

Now he was clearly confused. He really wanted to stop what he knew he was about to do. He had tried before, but it had always come back to him. Seeming so right but yet...wrong? Stop thinking! This is right! He yelled to himself

He stood there angrily looking at himself, fighting, fighting with himself to stop whatever to he might do. "I don't know what to do." He voiced aloud. "I hate that I have to think this way. Shouldn't I know what is right and wrong?" You know you need it. Just do it, go a bit further than usual, how much more could it hurt? It is what you want, so why does it matter? The voices were telling him this as he tried to block them off. As he was pulled to do what seemed right but yet wrong at the same time. He walked over the thrown letter, glancing over the writing, which instantly made any of his doubts and thoughts leave him. He angrily picked up the razor looking at it intently knowing what would be coming next.

Without a second thought he made up his mind completely, he knew what he was going to do. He did do it best and... You know you want to. You know you need to. The voice inside his head told him once again. Besides what else could he do to take away the pain? He had no other way but to add to it, so he could forget the real pain and replace it with the pain of hurting himself. Pain cures pain. He thought bitterly.

Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more, than any time before

I have no options left again.

James held the razor in his hand. He knew what he was going to do. He dropped the letter once again and walked into the bathroom locking the door. He sat down leaning against the counter for support. He looked down at the cuts already engraving his skin. Some were still burning his skin from not being tended to. Oh well, he didn't care anymore. He slid the razor over a small part of his forearm wincing as it touched older cuts. Watching as it easily parted his skin and blood started to slowly seep through the open wound.

Not satisfied because he couldn't feel it. James dug the razor back onto it pulling it upwards gasping as he moved the razor. Blood started to gush out of the deep wound. James was breathing hard, watching how his blood contrasted with the white tile.

He moved the razor angrily into his left hand, than began to slice it across his skin on his right arm. He wanted to feel the pain even throughout. He dug it in harder at an antagonizing slow rate. Feeling lightheaded with the amount of blood lost, he started to breathe faster and more unevenly. He continued to rip apart at his arms not caring that there was blood all over, He was worthless anyways, and why should he care? That's what his father told him, that's what the letter told him, that's what he now told himself. Why shouldn't he believe it? He dropped the razor no longer having the energy to use it against him. As he watched the blood drip away from him, realization hit him hardly.

"This is what he wants you to do!" He said so himself. He doesn't want you, he would rather you did this; hurt yourself until he drives you to go to far. Then your gone...he will be happy! "I can't do this." James sat there breathing hardly. This was what his father wanted. He wanted him to be gone. Now he understood. Why do you want to make it so easy for him to get what he wants? Show him that you don't need him, and don't believe what he says. Stop doing this to yourself. Stop causing more pain. He told himself. "I have to stop." He looked down at his battered arms. Doubt started to come back. But what if I do believe what he says. Really why shouldn't I? Even if I do stop...it's too late, nobody would care. STOP!" He was fighting with himself once again.

I don't know what's worth fighting for.

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be all right

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight.

"I can't do this anymore." James told himself and kicked the razor away from him. "I have to stop lying, I need help, I have to stop this...but how?" He instantly looked at the razor once again. "No!" He mentally scolded himself. "You have to stop." The other voice continued on inside his thoughts. But you have tried to stop before. What makes this any different? This is what you want. Don't throw it away yet...it has helped you through your worst times. Why get rid of it?

James reached over and picked his "cure" for everything up once again. One time more won't hurt anything. What could it hurt? I'll stop after this. I have to stop. James looked down at his bloody aching arms. He held the razor tightly in his palm, knowing that it would cut there and hopefully recede some of the pain he had already caused. He wasn't going to do this anymore this was it? He now knew he was wrong all along, he should have never turned to this in the first place, but yet he did.

I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends.

James sat there breathing slowly tightly clutching the razor, urging himself not to turn to it. He slowly used his free hand to grab the counter and pull himself up. He was weak, having lost a lot of blood. All he wanted to do was sleep but he knew he wouldn't, the voices would come back as always.

Finally, he stood. His blood was everywhere, it had never been that bad.

"I need to tell someone." He said to himself. Who would want to help you? It cut back at him. Looking at the mirror, his reflection across from him looked...empty. Seeing fully of what he did, he sat back down. He was back to self-hatred towards himself. Suddenly, the cold razor clutched tightly in his right hand seemed good again. Besides after doing this to himself he needed to punish himself knowing that that was what he deserved and what his father would do to him if he saw him in this state. His body ached though. "Why do I want to cause more pain, I don't get it?" His thoughts were broken when he sensed eyes upon him. He quickly looked up to see Sirius and Remus standing in the doorway. James looked down. There was no way to hide now. This is where you can find the much-needed help that you want so much. Ask for it. He urged himself.

"James..." Sirius broke his thoughts and he again looked up at his friends who were still standing there watching him with an emotion that he couldn't trace. Was it pity? Sorrow? Confusion? Sympathy? He didn't know. His arms were shaking; he was still tightly holding the razor in his hand. They slowly approached him not sure of what to do. They had never seen James like this before and weren't sure of how they could help him, or if he would even let them help him.

"James you're bleeding, let us help you." Remus said worriedly looking at his friend. There was a moment's pause and than to their relief James nodded.

They crouched in front of him.

James tried to hide his arms from view, but it was no use. There was blood everywhere, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what happened and James knew that.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be all right

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight…

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Alot to happen in the next few chapters and maybe actually...what is this romance? we will see haven't exactly figured out how I want to go into it yet.

Chapter 7 should be posted by Saturday or Sunday.

Please! R/R I promise I will love you all and any suggestions on what you would like to see or want to happen in the future please add it in your review. I want to see where you pplz want this story to go? Neways thanks again to those who did review it does help me want to write and know that pplz r actually reading this...

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