Disclaimer: Same as always..I own nothing but my plot.

Hey sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. Anyways its here and it's the longest one so far 10 whole pages of typing yay! I was so proud of myself. So hope you guys all like it. I should be getting the next chapter out sometime within the next week. Aiming for before next Wednesday. So ya keep reading and R/R

Thanks,

Aries Chic

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"James..." Sirius broke his thoughts and he again looked up at his friends who were still standing there watching him with an emotion that he couldn't trace. Was it pity? Sorrow? Confusion? Sympathy? He didn't know. His arms were shaking; he was still tightly holding the razor in his hand. They slowly approached him not sure of what to do. They had never seen James like this before and weren't sure of how they could help him, or if he would even let them help him. "James you're bleeding, let us help you." Remus said worriedly looking at his friend. There was a moment's pause and than to their relief James nodded. They crouched in front of him. James tried to hide his arms from view, but it was no use. There was blood everywhere, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what happened and James knew that.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be all right

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit Tonight...

Chapter 7

Sirius watched his friend, worry etched over him. He really had no idea what to do. Blood was everywhere and Sirius tried not to panic at James's condition and make it worse. Remus was watching Sirius knowing what he was thinking about. This was really not good; they had to stop the bleeding before too much blood was lost. James was starting to drop his head, it was really too much for him, he was drowsy now and couldn't sit up any more.

Sirius sat next to him, and held his head in his hands keeping him up.

"James you need to talk to us." Sirius said after a moment. James looked up to him. Chocolate brown eyes meet steel blue ones. Sirius was stunned at the sight of them. He never got the chance to really look in James eyes since they were always diverting somewhere else. Now he could see pain, fear, guilt... they were not the usual cheery ones that he now knew he put up. The mask was down now and Remus and Sirius were looking at the real James.

Remus grabbed a rag and soaked it in water. Then he carefully placed it on James's forehead cooling him.

"Remus we have to stop the bleeding." Sirius said urgently as the blood was still coming from the cuts.

Sirius grabbed another wet rag and gently placed it over the deep gash on his left arm, while Remus removed the rag from James head and started soaking up blood from the right.

"We need to go to Madame Pomfrey." Remus said knowing they couldn't do this by themselves.

"No...please don't go to her." James whispered pleadingly.

"James, there's too much. She can heal them faster and much better." Sirius told him looking at him in the eyes, which again James diverted to one of his cuts.

Remus grabbed a loose towel and wrapped it around his right arm, happy that he stopped the bleeding there. But than noticed that James fist was still clenched. He paled visibly knowing what he was holding.

"James let go." He said.

Sirius looked up from the cut that he was tending to.

"Please open your hand." Remus said again. James shook his head and than winced from the pain shooting up his arm. He clenched harder hoping it would recede, but instead made it worse. Blood was slowly slipping through his fingers. Remus grabbed his fist trying helplessly to open James death grip.

"Please, open it. You're hurting yourself." Remus said now frantic.

Sirius now made a grab for his hand. Both of them slowly prying his fingers open. Finally the razor fell to the tile echoing lightly as it hit. It was silent, while everyone's attention was drawn to the little metal object. James went to grab for it, but Remus got it first. He hesitantly held it and than threw it in the sink away from them.

"Promise us you will stop cutting." Sirius said trying to look in James eyes. James looked down. No one had ever told him to stop this before. How was he supposed to just stop? He couldn't, he had tried before. Didn't anyone understand?

Remus saw him falter and then put his hand under his chin to raise his eyes.

"Look at us." Sirius said James looked directly at Remus.

"I...I." James began.

"Promise you will stop, you can't do this any more." Sirius tried again.

"I can't. It's not that simple, I can't just stop." He said, frustrated with them that they didn't understand.

"Yes you can stop." Remus said.

"No." James replied weakly. "I can't."

"If you can't do it for yourself, than can you do it for us?" Sirius asked him

"I'll..."

"Please?" Remus said pleadingly with him.

"I'll...I'll try, I can't promise that I'll stop, but I'll try." James said sincerely looking up to both of them. They sighed knowing that that was as much as they were going to be getting out of him.

The cuts had stopped bleeding, and they began to clean up the floor. James watched them cleaning up his blood, his mess. They shouldn't have to clean up after you. You did this to yourself. It's your fault. Everything is always your fault. The voice began again. You're worthless; they just pity you, that's why they're helping so much. Really, who would want to help you?

"I'm sorry. Please go away I'll clean up, it's my fault really, just like everything else." James began.

"James what are you talking about? Yes you shouldn't be cutting, but this is not your fault."

"Yes it is! Please go!" He yelled at them. They stared at him confused. The blood was cleaned up with a few spells but James still looked like hell. There were cuts everywhere. They had been so preoccupied with the bleeding ones that they didn't take notice to everything else. Scars, bruises and more cuts were littering his chest and stomach. Remus looked at his upper arm. Where he could clearly see four small bruises along with one a bit larger. They were fingerprints like this all over his arms. Remus came to the conclusion this was where he was held still. Sirius was looking at the scars that were in odd patterns everywhere.

James watched them. They were looking at him. Probably at all the bruises and cuts. He thought bitterly. Why aren't they leaving, they should be leaving? I told them to leave. He was confused.

"Why aren't you leaving?" He voiced aloud.

Sirius broke his gaze from one long scar and back to James face. He shook his head.

"Why would we leave?" He asked confused.

"You're supposed to leave aren't you?" He was now talking to himself. "He said they would leave me."

"James we're not leaving you." Sirius told him worried of why he would even think that.

"He said you would!" James yelled back at him.

"Who?" Sirius asked watching him. James looked down. They both instantly knew who it was.

"James you can't listen to him. He is wrong." Remus tried.

"But..." James started.

"Don't ever listen to what he tells you, he just wants to hurt you." Sirius interrupted.

"But he's right. Everything he says is right." James argued back. They were changing everything that was strictly told to him. It was just too confusing. Why weren't they doing what he said they would do?

"No, he's not right. He made you believe these things, but you can't, they're wrong." Remus told him.

James sat there taking it all in. After being told a certain thing for so long was it really your fault if you believed it. Now a new conflict was being battled in his head. Who should he believe? His father who beat these thoughts in him, or his friends who claimed they wanted to help him.

"James come on, you have to believe us. We want to help you." Sirius told him. James sat there in silence. He hated all this confrontation; it was what he most feared, besides his father. Really, how was he supposed to believe them if they could just leave him any minute? They're not going to leave you, they haven't so far. What's the risk; you know how it feels to be lonely so you won't lose anything. Sirius and Remus stared uneasily at him, as he seemed to be thinking. They weren't sure what he might do next. If he was even willing to have help. At times it seemed he wanted it, but others he would rather be left alone.

"Okay." James let out. They both stared at him.

"Okay what?" Remus asked.

"I want to stop." He said motioning to his arms. Smiles emitted the faces of his friends. That comforted James, knowing that stopping was the right thing do to, or so he hoped.

After everything was cleaned up and James arms were taken care of, the two boys helped him stand up. He was still in bad shape though, as he would not let them bring him to the hospital wing. His wounds would have to heal on their own but he had assured both of them that that was what he wanted. He explained how he needed them there to remind him, although at that time would not talk about what they were reminding him of. Sirius and Remus decided they were not going to push him to tell everything just yet, as he was just beginning to recover from everything.

James slowly walked into the dorm room and put a new shirt on covering everything. He had to admit he did feel better and didn't hurt as much now, although the fresh cuts were still burning with pain. He wouldn't tell Remus and Sirius this though because he felt that they didn't need to worry over everything.

Sirius and Remus stayed in the bathroom as James was getting changed. They looked at each other and sighed.

"This is going to be hard, Moony." Sirius said to Remus. Remus nodded knowing what he meant. Recovery from this was going to take awhile.

"We're going to have to watch him everywhere, keep him busy, you know? Keep his mind off of everything else." Remus began.

"We can't leave him alone too long or those thoughts will come back to him. He'll start again, and it could be worse next time. Did you see how much blood there was? He's so weak now; I'm scared for him. When's the last time he really has ate anything good? I'm sure he hardly ate at home. His mother won't cook and you know that." Sirius said, voicing all his concerns.

James sat on the bed listening to them talk in the bathroom. He had left the door open so he could clearly hear. It's your fault that they're so worried. Plus they're worried about you! You're worthless! Why should they even care? They do care. That's what you think now.

He held his head, trying to stop the thoughts. Sure, he had admitted that he had a problem to them, that he wanted help, that they were going to help him, but that didn't mean he was going to feel any different about himself. He hated himself for being beaten; he hated himself for having to be beat. He hated that his father was so mad that he would hurt his only son. He had nothing good to live for, so that's why he turned to the razor. Now it was being taken away from him. What did he have now? Friends who want to help me. What I should have turned to in the first place. What about Lily? Should I tell her? No, why would she care? She's beautiful, has everything to live for. Great friends, a great family, what would she want with you? You would ruin everything! James was holding his head again. "Why won't they stop!" He asked to himself. He looked up from where he was sitting. They weren't talking anymore. Then he saw it, the letter. It was lying on the floor still in its thrown position. He scrambled to get it, hoping that they had not seen or read anything of it. He then took it and stuffed it deep into his trunk. Sitting on the floor satisfied with what he did, he crossed his arms as if to protect him.

Then a thought occurred to him. He slowly walked over to his cloak that was lying on his bed. Slipping his hand into the pocket he once again felt the cool edge of the razor against his fingertips. Stop! Put it back, I have to get rid of it. Keep it, no one knows its there. Just keep it there and when ever you need a little escape from reality you will know its there for you. I won't use it. Just keep it there. James let go of it and went to sit back on his bed still waiting for his friends to emerge from the bathroom.

Sirius grabbed the razor out of the sink.

"We have to get rid of it." He said to Remus who nodded.

Sirius disposed of it into the garbage. Than they took every razor that they had for shaving and through them out as well. They would just use magic rather than use it.

"Not going to take any chances." Sirius said as he dropped his into the garbage. They then walked back into their room finding James sitting on his bed. He looked exhausted.

"When's the last time you've slept?" Remus asked. James looked up broken from his thoughts.

"I don't know." James said honestly.

"You look exhausted, you really need to sleep." Sirius put it.

"I know, it's just...I can't." James said looking at the two.

"Why not?" They both asked.

"I have bad dreams, or I just can't let myself fall asleep." He replied looking down.

"What do you dream about?" Remus asked.

James thought about it for a minute. Should he really tell them? His dreams were what led him to cut and remember his worst moments being replayed over and over through his mind. The voices were what really hurt him, slowly bringing him to hate himself. His dreams, if he actually did fall asleep would usually have him in and his father in them. The beatings in his dreams were just as bad as real life. He could feel every hit, kick, or punch laid on him. He shook his head from thinking about this again.

"I'd rather not talk about that right now." He said looking away from them. Remus and Sirius nodded. They were going to give him as much time as he needed.

James stomach growled and both guys looked at him once again. He hadn't eaten since this morning and before that he hadn't eaten a full meal in weeks. In truth he was starving, he just didn't want anyone to know that. He figured if he didn't eat much now that when he went back home he wouldn't feel as hungry because he would be used to having that feeling.

"Let's go down to the kitchens and get you something to eat." Sirius supplied.

"No, its okay, I'm fine." James tried.

"James, you're not fine, you're starving and you need to eat." Remus told him.

"I'm not hungry though. I'll eat something in the morning." Remus and Sirius looked at each other, then each lightly grabbed James arm and pulled him up. He was much to light for a grown seventeen year old.

James winced at the contact, but stood up nonetheless. He was weak at the moment and needed them for support. His right hand still had a cloth around it but had stopped bleeding. James cleaned it before they exited the dorm room and onto the stairs, not wanting anyone to know anymore about his situation.

Together the three of them slowly descended the stairs to the common room before James had to sit down again on a couch.

"I can't go down to the kitchens right now." He told them exhaustedly. Sirius sat down with him as Remus went to go get food for all of them.

James could feel student's eyes on him as he sat there with Sirius. Those who saw his encounter with Malfoy knew somewhat of what was happening to him. Then, those who were on the Quidditch team would look at him sympathetically every once in awhile. He hated it; it wasn't supposed to be like this. No one was supposed to be looking at him with pity or anything else. They were still supposed to think that he was his perfect self, the one everyone wanted to be like. Ya right, like that's every going to happen again. James thought bitterly.

Sirius was glaring at everyone who dared to stare at him and James. He knew what James was thinking with every stare, and he was scared what it may lead up to. James was someone who would bottle everything inside until he couldn't hold it anymore, than blow up at everyone or anything in sight. That was what happened today. He had so much going on inside of him that he was at a breaking point with Malfoy and than finally had had enough with his captain.

The two boys sat there in a comfortable silence waiting for Remus as the common room slowly started to empty.

Lily and Madison had walked back to their dorm after the Quidditch practice had ended. Lily was hoping she would see James in the common room but he was not there, so she and Madison slowly ascended the stairs up to their dorm.

Lily plopped down on her bed tired from the long day. Madison lay down next to her. The two girls just lay there quietly for a few moments before Lily began to talk.

"Madison, I'm worried about James." Madison turned on her side so she could face her friend.

"I know, we all are."

"I wish he would talk to me, but I know that we haven't really spoken much to each other in the past years."

"I feel the same way. I wish I was closer to my brother, then maybe I could have stopped a lot from happening to him. I feel as if some of that was my fault."

"It's not your fault." Lily said reassuring her.

"But it could be, I mean my father took out everything on him, while I was always gone somewhere else because I didn't want to be near any of them. I thought they were all just a bit crazy. When James became friends with the rest of the Marauders, I had always thought they had stayed at my house, so I didn't want to be near them because of how they acted at school. Really, though, James was all alone at home." Madison let out.

"I know that James is hurt at home now because of everything that was told today, but can you tell me what happened when you left my house the day before school?" Lily asked.

Madison told her of everything that happened to both her and James but didn't include the little bit of James and what he did to himself.

"I wish he would talk to someone sometimes. I think he thinks that no one understands and in truth we all probably don't but we could help him." Madison said to Lily.

"You know, before lunch we were talking through notes and he told me that he wanted to talk to someone, that he would talk to me, but then everything that happened at lunch he closed up again." Lily told Madison.

"I really hope he will talk to someone, anyone, before he..." She began and than looked at Lily.

"Before he what?" Lily asked kind of confused.

"Never mind." Madison told her quickly.

The two girls lay there in silence for a few more minutes before Lily broke the silence again.

"I really like him you know." She said looking at Madison. Madison smiled at her.

"Why don't you tell him?"

"Well we have never been really good friends and all and I don't just want to go out with him just to go out. I want to get to know him first a bit. Plus he probably doesn't even like me very much." She added looking away from Madison.

Madison watched Lily not sure of what to say.

"Should I tell him?" Lily asked.

"I think..." Madison began.

"If he doesn't like me though it will just be awkward and I don't want that. Maybe I'll just try and be his friend for now and find out who he likes." Lily interrupted a little downcast again.

"What ever you think is best Lily, but you should at least show him that you care. Trust me, he needs that. For some reason he thinks he's all alone and nobody wants to be with him or he won't let them be with him. He's been taught the wrong things for way to long.

"I'll talk to him tomorrow; see if he still wants to at least talk to me and all." Lily put in. Madison agreed with her. They were silent again.

"Do you want to go play a game of chess in the common room?" Lily asked. Madison nodded, and than the two girls made there way to the common room.

Lily looked around and saw James and Sirius sitting in their usual spot on one of the couches near the fireplace. The chessboard was set up near them. Madison saw Lily pause and than looked in her line of direction to find James and Sirius sitting there.

A wave of relief swept through her to see him sitting there. That meant that at least he wasn't hurting himself right now. She pulled Lily with her over to them.

"Hi James, Sirius." Madison began happily. They both looked up. James had watched Lily walk over to them with his sister but was surprised to see her there too.

Madison looked over her brother. Frankly he looked like hell, to put it lightly.

"Hello ladies." Sirius said, motioning them to sit on the couch across from them. James didn't say anything just watched the two of them. Lily smiled lightly at him as she sat down.

"You look tired." Madison told James. He nodded, not looking up, absent- mindedly crossing his arms. His right hand was in pain and he could feel it every time he moved it. He faced it away from them so they wouldn't see the now large cut across it.

Madison watched him seeing his movements and knowing what he was trying to hide although not knowing of all the new ones.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked. Her voice echoed in his mind. Was he okay? No! I wouldn't be okay without her there to help me. Although he would never admit that out loud. I'm Fine, why don't they understand. The voice in his mind reassured him though that he would never be fine. The wave of self- hatred flowed over him. You would be fine if you didn't do that! Shut up!

"James." Sirius broke him out of his thoughts. James head snapped up.

"I think you need to tell Madison something that you promised Remus and I." Sirius put in looking directly at him. Both girls looked at Sirius instantly.

"Umm..." James began. Great. Even more confrontation. This day was just going great for him. Sirius nudged him.

James slowly grabbed the armrest for support and began to stand up with great difficulty. He was exhausted and his arms were sore. He winced at the contact with the material and his palm.

They all watched him and then jumped up to help him. Once he was firmly on his feet, he and Madison made there way to a corner in the common room. Lily looked curiously at them before she began to talk to Sirius.

"What was that about?" She asked him. Sirius smiled at her. It seemed she really did care for James and he was hoping that she still liked him. This was his chance to ask.

"Lily can I ask you something?" Sirius asked. Lily nodded in response.

James walked away from them with his sister.

"What's happening?" She asked instantly.

He paused. "Well you see...after everything that has happened today, I kind of did something." He said holding his arms. She waited for him to continue.

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Leaving you off there. If any of you have any suggestions of something you would like to see happen I'll try and include it. Anyways thanks for all of you who reviewed last chapter.

Thanks to my wonderful beta reader LilyZWnam77 who made this error free for me. :)

-Hot-chik- I like your idea and I wanted to include somthing like that in one of the next few chapters or so. Not exactly sure of how many chapters it will be before there is a bit of romance and all. lol we will have to see. Neways thanks for the review.

-Aries Chic-