Disclaimer: Same as always dont own anything but my characters and plot..which isn't that much..

"Lily can I ask you something?" Sirius asked. Lily nodded in response.

James walked over to them with his sister.

"What's happening?" She asked instantly.

He paused. "Well you see...after everything that has happened today, I kind of did something." He said holding his arms. She waited for him to continue.

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Chapter 8

"I didn't stop, I couldn't stop, and I want to stop now. I realized something earlier and than Remus and Sirius came in and they...and they helped me. I...I promised them that I would stop." He managed to get out. Madison smiled than it slowly left her face.

"You didn't tonight though, right?" He looked down again.

"James?" She asked pleadingly.

"I'm sorry." He let out. She looked up at him. He looked so truly lost it broke her heart.

She reached out for his hand, which he reluctantly let her take. She could feel the cut on it touch her skin. She turned his hand over so that the palm was facing up. She gasped at the engraved cut across his palm from clutching the razor. She lightly laced her fingers through his and held his hand.

"Is that all?" She asked in a hopeful voice.

He shook his head at her saddened face.

"Can I see?"

James looked around making sure no one was looking. There was a group of third year girls in the far corner who were engrossed in their own conversation. At the other side of the room there was a boy hurriedly rushing through his homework at one of the desks and than Sirius and Lily who were facing away from him. His eyes strayed on Lily for an extra moment that Madison took notice of.

He turned back to her and began to slowly lift up his sleeve, wincing as the fabric touched newer cuts. He grimaced at what he saw. His arm was puffy, as the new wounds hadn't even started to heal yet and were still open. Madison faintly let her finger trace over an old one that was now just a scar left on his arm. He winced lightly at the contact but didn't say anything.

Madison traced over the scar of an old cut. How could he do this to himself? How could he cause himself so much pain? He pulled his sleeve down before she could take in anymore.

"Please say your stopping this." She pleaded.

"I'm going to try but.."

"But what?"

"I don't think I can."

"You can James, you don't need it. You have me, you have your friends. We are all here for you and want to help you. You just have to let us in and help."

"I know." James said looking down again.

"I'm here for you. When ever you feel like doing that find me, find anyone and talk it out instead. Please say you will do that." She tried.

He nodded.

"I need to sit down." He said again.

That was when she realized how truly tired he did look. She helped him move to a separate couch away from everyone still.

"You haven't been sleeping, have you?" She asked him.

He shook his head, than placed his head in his hands. Madison sat moved closer to him. They were quiet for a moment before James broke the silence.

"I see him, I can feel it it's like he's right there. Than I wake up and I hurt even more because it's so real." James began. Madison let him continue without interrupting.

"I don't want to sleep, because then I will have to see him again. I don't want to see him." He said not mentioning the voices that spoke to him when he tried to sleep. They made him remember everything; they caused him to hate everything including himself. They are what really led him to cut. And as much as he wanted to stop, he new deep down that he wouldn't. It was just a matter of time before it began again.

"James you need to sleep, you're exhausted." Madison said as she slowly began to lightly rub his back. James still sat their head in his hands, trying to block out the voices. Madison could feel as she rubbed his back the sorer spots. He would occasionally tense up. It was soothing to him. It felt like someone cared? No one cares why even think it. She's my sister she should care. Where was she when everything else happened? She didn't care about you than. She left you with him. Why would she care? You're just the brother with all the problems. Why would she need you, she's better off without you. She's here now, doesn't that mean anything. It's pity, just like everyone else. Don't you see how they all look at you? They don't know how to act around you. You were better off when no one knew anything. James couldn't argue with them anymore. Besides they were right, he was alone and that's how it should be.

Madison unaware of what was going on in James mind tried to break the silence, but found she didn't have anything to say.

How do I get away? He mentally asked himself. Solitude was the best answer to anything. It allowed him to do and think whatever he wanted without being disturbed. You know how. Tell them your tired and go upstairs to sleep like a good boy. Wont they be so proud, thinking they're helping you. There normal unlike you, eventually they will fall asleep and you're own again. James tried his best to ignore this but how could he? You can't.

"James." Madison broke his thoughts.

He looked up and locked eyes with her. Madison looked into them not always having the chance to. Now she could see nothing. They were the same eyes but empty. James looked into hers and could see worry cross hers. He knew she was trying to find some sort of emotion within him. Well good luck trying there's nothing there.

He turned away from her and the two sat in silence until Remus came in a few minutes later.

"Lily can I ask you something?" Sirius asked. Lily nodded in response.

"Well, I was wondering..." Began Sirius.

Lily waited, as it seemed Sirius was trying to find the right words to say to her. After a minute of silence Lily was getting irritated.

"Spit it out will you."

"Okay, well you know how you had a crush on James for the past few years." At this she made a face. "Don't give me that face it was so obvious to everyone but him." Sirius stated.

"Okay so?" Lily said and motioned for him to go on.

"I was wondering if you still do? Since you don't really act like it much anymore." He said looking at her.

"Umm..." She began. What do I say? What do I say? Should I tell Sirius? I mean he is one of James best friends.

"Lily?" Sirius said bringing her out of her thoughts.

"Well... you see..umm..I...I don't really know how I feel anymore."

Sirius almost looked saddened at this remark.

"Why not?"

Lily thought of how she could possibly explain herself to him without fully saying that she did indeed really like James. Was it so bad to tell him the truth?

"Okay. Well before I think it was more of just a school crush or something like that. Now though I'm not sure what to think or do."

Sirius appeared to be thinking. Which was a scary thought to Lily.

"Lily do you like him at all though?" He asked once again.

Lily looked down. Should I just tell him? I can ask him other things to. Maybe he can find out if James likes you back. Said the little voice in her head.

"Yes I do like him, I like him a lot." Lily sat trying not to look at Sirius and cool down the rising heat on her cheeks. Sirius smiled at her.

"Please don't tell anyone though, especially not James." Lily looked at him now nervous.

"I wont, but I think you should." He put in.

"I want to, I really do but I can't." She said looking helplessly at him.

"Of course you can." Sirius said raising an eyebrow for effect.

"No I can't, I've never really been much friends with him before, and haven't even talked to him much. Don't you think it would be weird if out of nowhere I just asked him out? What if he says no, I would be so embarrassed and mad at myself." Lily rambled on. Sirius let out a soft chuckle.

"You worry to much you know that." He added. She let out an exasperated sigh.

"Well I've never done anything like asking a person out before. I don't know what to do? What if he doesn't want to jump into a relationship right away." She was starting to get anxious about everything.

"Lily calm down. First if you don't want to just ask him out, than why don't you become friends with him? Someone he can trust and wants to talk to. Than maybe move onto something more." He told her.

"That's actually a good idea, for once." She smiled.

"Hey! I do have more than one good idea occasionally you know." He replied back. There was a moment of silence before Lily voiced the question that had been running through her head all day.

"Sirius, what's up with James anyway? He seems more distant this year don't you think? I mean I know about his father now and I guess if I was in his position I would be acting like him to, but there seems to be something more that you all seem to know about. I want to be able to help him with what ever it is but I don't even know what the problem is." She let out frustrated that she couldn't help him.

"It's good to know that you care about him, but this is something James needs to tell you about. Trust me at the moment he has a lot of things to work out and he's just starting to sort them out the right way now." Sirius told her.

"Well I guess I will have to just wait until he wants to tell me, if he ever does."

"Don't worry, he will come around and maybe even talk to you. You know you two haven't exactly had the best or closest relationship before so give him some time."

Lily turned her head to the portrait hole hen she heard it opening. In stepped Remus with a plate full of snacks and another of the dinner that was served that night. Sirius got up and Lily decided to go with him. The three of them now walked over to where Madison and James were sitting. Remus handed the plate of food over to James who took it slowly, and than placed the other one on the table for every one else to eat.

Lily watched as everyone's eyes seemed to direct to James the minute he had placed the plate of food on his lap. He sat there for a minute staring at the chicken, mashed potatoes and salad laid out perfectly on his plate.

He felt numbness flow through his body. He couldn't eat this, he just couldn't. The food seemed as if it was taunting him, knowing that he couldn't eat it and enjoy it at the same time. Slowly his mind settled back to the middle of the summer.

He was seated at a long fine table right next to his father. At the moment his father was talking to someone high up in the ministry. He wasn't paying attention when his father had introduced him. It didn't matter anyway he was only here to make an appearance to the magical society. While his father just showed how much power he had over him, to make him come where ever and do what ever he wanted.

James looked around him at the others sitting at the table. Everyone seemed happy that it almost seemed fake to him. Well you don't belong here anyway.

He took notice to giggling across the table and looked up to see three girls probably around his age staring back at him. He glared at the three girls. He didn't want to be mean but just had to get out of there. His fathers voice than came ringing into his ears. He was still talking to the chubby man next to him.

"I say if you want to straighten out the boy, you have to show them whose boss. You know a little beating here and there and they should be good. Unless of course you have a bad one." He said this and looked at James disgustingly.

The man sitting next to his father looked James up and down.

"I see you have done a fine job with your son here than?" He asked.

"Yes, James here knows his rightful place in his house, don't you?"

James looked up to see his father's eyes piercing into him.

"Yes." He muttered.

"Well I see you have raised him well than. I only hope my son Billy here will turn out just like him." He said motioning to his son. A scrawny looking boy sat next to him looking at James with pity and fear for himself.

"Oh don't wish such a thing. No one would want a son like James, absolutely horrible. I feel like I have to teach him everything and than he has to get so many punishments because he messes everything up. It's a pity actually really all he does is take up space." The man laughed with his father at this. James turned his head away from them and looked down at his plate of food.

James was about to take a bite out of his chicken when his plate got snatched out from underneath him. He looked up to see his father smiling cruelly at him. James raised an eyebrow. Was this a joke? He asked himself.

"I said you are a waste a space."

"Okay?" James said and leaned his back against his chair.

"Honestly do I have to explain everything to you?" His father asked him. He gave a strange look to him.

"Umm..no?"

"See I told you, pathetic really, anyways I'm giving your plate of food over to Bobby." His father began interrupted by the man saying "Billy." "What ever. Well I'm giving it to Bill here because unlike you he doesn't appear worthless yet and isn't big enough to fill space like you." He pointed out handing the plate to Billy who looked at James sadly. James closed his eyes.

"Oh and don't be expecting food when you get home either. You don't matter so it really doesn't matter if you starve." His father and the other man had a good laugh over this and James cringed at both of their yellowing teeth. The rest of the night he sat in silence.

The two flowed home and Jams dreaded what was going to be coming next.

Smack!

He closed his eyes at the impact not even touching his stinging cheek. He opened them to see his father's outraged face staring back at him.

"What did you think you were doing? You were only there to make an appearance because at the last one people asked about you, although I don't know why. You think you can just eat what ever you want?!"

There was a silence where James knew if he answered he would regret it and if he didn't he would regret it. It was a lose-lose situation here so he decided he might as well voice his opinion.

"Well as it was a dinner party, I thought no one would mine if I ate some dinner, its not like I get dinner here." James stated as he felt another hit come across him.

"I didn't say you could talk back to me." James inwardly rolled his eyes.

"Well than DAD what can I eat?"

"Nothing in this house, you don't deserve to have food wasted on you as I said you are...."

"Worthless, I know, I know." James interrupted and got shoved into the wall for this.

"At least you're starting to know your place in this house." He said smugly.

James was about to walk away when he felt a punch go into his back. He stiffened from the pain of the impact to his other bruises.

"I didn't say I was finished with you yet JAMES!"

"Well I'm finished with you!" James yelled back trying to get up the stairs and away from him. He had almost made it to his room when he felt an intense pain start to dig into his back. He instantly fell to the floor. A stinging pain seared through him. This wasn't the first time he was hit with the Crucio curse. He was shaking from the pain but wouldn't scream out and give his father the satisfaction of actually hurting him. He lay there breathing in deeply as the curse was lifted.

"Get up!" Thomas yelled and kicked him in the back. James clenched his teeth so he wouldn't yell out.

"James get up!"

"James!"

James?

"James?" Sirius asked worriedly looking at his friend.

Startled James looked up to see Sirius, Remus, Madison and Lily all looking back at him curiously.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked.

James sat there gathering his thoughts and rubbing his back. He could feel the pain back there. That memory brought too much back to him. The food was still on his lap. He couldn't eat this. I can't eat this, I'm worthless, empty space, wasting food. His father's words rang through his mind. He will hurt me if I eat this. With that thought he pushed the plate off of his lap and watched it hit the wood floor. Food splattered everywhere. He jumped up everyone was still looking at him. Why do they always have to look at me!

"Stop!" He yelled out to them.

"James sit down." Sirius said calmly reaching out to him to help him sit.

James snatched his hand away.

"I don't want to sit, I don't want to eat, I can't eat this."

"James you really need to eat something." Remus encouraged.

"No! You don't understand I don't need to eat. Stop trying to understand me, you never will." He yelled back. He knew he was starting to draw attention to himself and that the others in the common room were now curiously looking at him. Don't draw attention to yourself; we wouldn't want that now would we? I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter if everyone knows; they won't care about me so why should I care about them?

"James we are just trying to help you." Madison said trying to lock eyes with him but to no avail.

James sat back down again, now clearly exhausted from his day.

"I know it's just I don't want to get hurt by him anymore and even if you are helping it's just going to make it even worse. Just let me handle it on my own." He told them.

"We are going to help you whether you like it or not. We know it is going to be hard but we want to help you and be there for you. You just have to understand that we are here for you and not in a bad way like you may think. I promise I wont leave you." Sirius told him and sat down next to him enveloping him in a big hug.

James closed his eyes as he felt his friends arms come around him it was funny how one simple hug could make him feel as if he actually mattered to at least someone.

When the two broke apart the boys departed to their dorm as Lily and Madison did theirs.

The girls both went up to bed not talking about what had happened. Madison fell asleep quickly, today had taken a toll on her and she could only imagine how James might feel at this moment.

Lily lay in her bed for quite some time brooding over everything and contemplating what she should do. She was still confused about everything that was happening to James, as she was not completely filled in about all the problems he was facing at the moment. Right before she fell asleep she came to the conclusion that she was not going to rush James into everything and just being friends with him would be fine right now although her heart ached otherwise.

In the other dorm James lay in his bed going over his day. It had really been a whirlwind of emotions for him. He had never had so many secrets about his life revealed in one day and it scared him of what the next day could bring. Would Lily find out about his cutting? What would she think about him than? Did she even like him at all because it didn't seem like it at times, but than why was she there?

That night James actually slept through most of it for the first time in along time. He still had a fitful rest though. He still had the same reoccurring nightmares that never seemed to leave him, but knowing that his friends know knew about most things and wanted to help him eased his mind in away. So he slept trying to forget about the events of the day and hoping that the next one would be better.

Sirius and Remus didn't sleep much trying to keep watch over James and making sure he actually slept a whole night for a change and didn't wake up to hurt himself more. They both knew they would be tired in the morning but somehow that seemed all right just to know that their friend might actually be alright tomorrow.

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A/N: I am soo sooo sooo sorry it took me this long to get this chapter out. I've been having alot of problems with my computer and than finally when it does work again and I go to log in it says error. Has that happened to anyone else? So than finally when I get on it has trouble uploading. I was going to cry when finally it appeared and I jumped for joy.lol well no there was no jumping but I was pretty happy to finally get this up here.

I'm going to try and get the next chapter out as soon as I can and thanks to Black's Gurl and FlamingArrow a.k.a GinnyWeasley for reviewing chapter 7. Those reviews helped me get this chapter out.

This chapter seemed a little more on the boring side to me, but everything said had to be said and it was more of a filler chapter for the ones to come. I've planned out the rest of this story and it should still be quite long. I promise there will be way more angst and even some romance to come soon!

Sorry if there was to many errors my beta isn't home at the moment so it was only edited by me but oh well.

Neways R/R please.

-B-