"Mom, I'm home," I said throwing down my backpack, kicking off my shoes and heading into the kitchen.
"Hey Sweetheart," She floated down the stair and gave me a hug. "How was your first day?" She looked hopeful. I hate it when she looks hopeful. She's always nagging me about making some real friends, she claims not having a social life is tragic for some one my age. It's never really bothered me, you know the whole anti-social bit really works for me.
I sighed taking a breath, I meant to say Mom it sucked, now lets talk about my side show act. Instead when I opened my mouth, words pouring from me. "Oh it was great. I really love my new teacher Mr. Fillmore, He's great and very funny and I think him and me will get along great. And this one girl her names Connie, she's really nice, she helped me all day long and she likes chess to, so we might do that together some time. And then there was this one kid, um Something Goldberg I don't remember his first name but it's not important seeing everyone calls him Goldberg. He's so cool, I ate lunch with him and his friends." Stupid, stupid, stupid, I kept thinking as I listened to myself, chess for Christ sake where do I come up with this stuff? I looked up at my Mom expecting to see her glaring at me, she would see through my charade. But no, she was beaming with happiness. I was lying through my teeth.
"That's wonderful baby, what did I always tell you. You just have to let people know what a sweet boy you are," Yeah Mom, forget your jocks or your all around best at everything, I mean who needs them when you have a sweet boy around to knock senseless. How inspiring.
"You were right Mom, Minnesota's great." I walked over to the fridge pulling out a snack. "I just had to give it a chance." I added for good measure.
"That's great sweetie," I left the room to avoid her seeing the eye roll I felt coming on.
"I'm going to go get at that homework, I wouldn't want to fall behind." I trudged up the stairs book back in tow. I sat down at my desk surveying my kingdom. Mom had most definitely been here. The room was spotless, even the boxes that I hadn't unpacked looked like they'd had a once over with windex. I hate nothing more than a clean room. I can never find anything when it's this clean.
I sighed resolving to un-do Mom's damage after I actually did come homework. I glanced over to find that I had covered almost everything before, which came as a relief. I could lie about my teachers, my social life and even my attitude. But you can't lie forever about your grades.
"Bye Les," Sir called getting into his car. I waved back walking down the steps to the curb. Have you ever had the feeling that you life just mirrored a moment from the 1950's? I get that a lot.
Well think about, I mean you got Sir. Him and me, were not all father/son moment inclined. Then there's my Mom, who's all about sitting around reading and making cookies and calling every one sweetheart. And the house, it's a two story colonial, with all the shutters and the perfect green lawn. Were a cut out from one of those fifties movies. You know were there's always the paperboy throwing the newspaper and some fat guy mowing the lawn.
I was so wrapped up in my musing I hadn't noticed the presence beside me. I glanced over studying the person who dares walk on my sidewalk. Oh boy.
Not the kind of kid you want knowing were you live to say the least. He was tall, a whole head taller than me. He had long dark hair and combat boots. I'm toast, I decided immediately. Should I say my goodbyes now or later? Which payment option do you prefer cash check or charge?
Wait a minute Les you dummy, I said analyzing the situation. He hasn't spoken a word or hit anything yet. Maybe you judge wrong, or maybe there are just too many witnesses around. I glanced around to find I was safe, tons of kids littered the sidewalks the entire stretch to the school. I shall live one more day. I kept varying my pace the rest of the distance. Only to find that he constantly matched it. I was in trouble.
"Bye," I mumbled as we parted for our different classrooms. Day two of school, I thought pushing through the crowded playground. How could I possible contain my excitement? Woohoo. It's like freaking Christmas ya'll.
My bitterness lasted me a good part of the morning. Eventually however I ran out of 'I'd much rather be doing blanks' and was forced to start listening as Mr. Fillmore lectured.
I couldn't help but start to wonder if teachers get special training on how to be boring. I mused shifting in my desk. I mean where else would they learn to perfect there "settle now kids, settle down."
"Now children we need to settle down, settle," Fillmore said yet again. I add another mark on my worksheet that makes fifteen times. That has to be some kind of record. Maybe I'll look it up in my copy of Guinness Book, He'd be a shoe in for lamest person ever.
Thankfully the bell rang right before we hit twenty. I was contemplating the best way to commit suicide when the lunch bell rang. 'Another day in that fun filled place, the cafeteria. Welcome back to our program.' I thought in my announcer voice. 'All right what to do this lunch hour, oh I know let's find dark man.'
Yes I'd already named my stalker. Okay, so he wasn't stalking me he just wanted to walk to school. But why did he walk directly next to me, sure it might have been because we happened to walk at the same pace, but maybe he was choosing to walk that slowly. And why did he choose to always match my pace? And why did he walk on my side of the sidewalk? Maybe he lives on that side of the street to. Or maybe he just wants me to think he lives on that side of the street. Maybe… Maybe…
Maybe he's a psychotic killer, that's right folks stick a fork in me it's over. I can see the headlines now, "I'm Connie Chung and tonight on the six a clock news, the sweet young boy viscously killed by none other than Dark man. Officials say there looking into to it. But did you see the mug shot of this kid, really I would kicked his butt. In other news…" I shook my head Connie Chung is so annoying.
I stop shaking my head and look up to spot none other than dark man. Sitting at my table, staring at me. I glare back. I know what your up to Dark man, and I will never surrender.
I'm forced to break contact when a large mass passes thought the middle isle. They're talking, loudly ergo throwing off my evil vibes. Can't they see that someone is trying to save their life from another's evil clutches???
"Hey are you going to eat that?"
"In your dream Goldie,"
"Come on, I'm hungry. You know my mom's got me on this psycho diet, you know what we had for dinner last night, steamed broccoli."
"Ah, man."
"Jess, thank you I'm glad some one feels my pain,"
"No man, at least with you being fat you take up room in the net. I was hoping you'd get fat enough that you could just fill it up. Then we might have a shot."
"Thanks for the touching sentiment. Now give me your pudding."
"Like hell," The one named "Goldie" (no relation to Hawn, trust me) went to grab the pudding. He lunged but the other kid was to fast.
"Let's see ya stop this," Another shorter kid yelled throwing an opened cup of chocolate pudding towards the pudgy kid.
It flew in slow motion, and landed on my head.
"Goldberg," Everyone chorused.
Checklist time, how to know your officially having the worst day ever. Did you start your day off wrong by being stalked by a psycho bully who is no doubt planning you demise this very moment, Check. Is your head covered in pudding, Check. Is your name David Lester Averman, Check.
It's official I've just had the worst day ever recorded. I'll have Dark man arrange a parade in my honor.
"Sorry about that," One kid said. I have no clue what he looked like; I was still removing pudding from my glasses.
"No, no thank you its just one more thing off my list of things to do before I die." I replied, not even a hint of sarcasm in my voice.
It took them a moment to get my joke and give me a sympathy laugh. I got up abandoning my lunch and Dark man, it was time to clean up and think up one hilarious story to tell when I get home.